STARTING OVER (2 page)

Doug was dead. When the sheriff's department had notified her, she hoped there was some sort of mistake. For weeks she delayed the memorial service as she prayed for a miracle. As long as there was a possibility that her husband had somehow managed to swim to safety, she refused to believe he was dead. But as all the small islands and deserted oil platforms were searched with no evidence that Doug had made it to them, Kate's optimism began to waver. With every day that passed without good news, another piece of her confidence drifted away until, at last, she was forced to face the probability that Doug would not be coming home . . . ever.

The memorial service had done nothing to relieve her grief or help her accept Doug's absence from her life. But it had been necessary to have some sort of ritual that would help her and his parents attempt to lay his memory to rest. It didn't have the finality of a funeral, but considering the circumstances, the words of farewell and the flowers tossed onto the waves were all they could do.

Her parents had insisted that she go home with them. And Kate no longer had the strength to object. For almost two months she'd done little more than sleep and help with the daily operations of running the barbecue restaurant her parents had owned and operated since before she was born. She'd tried to fill her waking hours so she wouldn't have to think, because she knew she was incapable of making a decision . . . any decision, no matter how small. She needed the comfort of a parental cushion protecting her from reality. And she needed time.

But for the past few days, thoughts—logical, nagging thoughts—had begun pushing into her mind. Kate's wound was still fresh and painful. The healing process would take longer than a few months. But the temporary sanctuary of her childhood home had helped her gather her strength so she could carry on.

And carry on she must. She had more than just herself to consider. Her baby—Doug's baby—deserved the best start she could give it. Kate realized that the longer she stayed in Austin, the longer she would be putting off the inevitable. She was thirty-six years
old, too old to hide behind her mother's apron strings and pretend she was still a child. Especially not when she was about to become a mother herself.

Kate wiped her hands on a dish towel and tried to soften her words with a smile. "Thanks, Mom. I've really appreciated staying here with you and Dad, for the last two months, but I've got to go home."

"But, this is your home."

"No, not anymore."
She stood up and stretched the aching muscles of her back. "I've got to go back to Lake Jackson and make some major decisions. There's my house to consider, and the business. I'm not sure if I can manage it, or even if it's worth it, but Doug worked so hard to make our company a success that I feel I owe it to him to at least make the attempt. And if that fails, then I'm going to have to find a way to support myself and my baby."

"Kate, dear, you don't have to worry about money. Surely Doug's insurance—"

"I can't count on that," Kate interrupted. "Unless the local authorities decide to officially declare Doug dead, I'll have to wait for seven years before the insurance policy will be paid. Which means, I'd better have a source of income."

She lifted trembling fingers to press against her temples. There were so many things to arrange in the six weeks left before her child was born. For the past fourteen years she had depended on Doug to make all the major decisions, and before that, her parents had influenced her choice of everything from clothing to college courses. Now, for the first time, Kate would have to be the one to take the responsibility for her own future . . . and her baby's.

Instinctively, her arms crossed over her bulging midriff, cradling the unborn infant. Although she was tempted to curl up and cry for the rest of her life, Kate knew she had to be strong for her baby. All her plans, all her dreams had been changed in the split second that her husband's helicopter had crashed into the Gulf of Mexico off the coast of Texas. Doug would never see his child, never hold the baby in his arms or hear its laughter. Now she would have to raise their child alone. But she would make sure their son or daughter knew Doug through her own memories. She believed Doug was looking down on her, sending his love and telling her to get on with her life. He wouldn't be around to help her, but she would make him proud.

"You shouldn't be making any major decisions right now," her mother informed her, echoing the same caution a dozen other well-meaning relatives and friends had issued in the past few weeks. "You should take it easy until the baby is born. Your hormones are going to be all messed up anyway, so you shouldn't trust your judgment until things get back to normal."

But Kate couldn't believe that things would ever be back to normal.

EVERYTHING LOOKED normal. A few days later as she drove down the tree-lined road leading into her neighborhood, everyone was going on with their lives as if nothing unusual had happened. Didn't they know that life would never be the same? Weren't they aware that all the happiness had gone out of the world the day Doug died?

But no, it didn't seem to matter to anyone but Kate. Children were playing in the front yards, men were washing their cars in the driveways, and women were on their knees pulling weeds from the flower beds. Everything looked so normal.

Even her own house betrayed her in its casual acceptance of the loss of its owner. The grass had been freshly mowed, and it was apparent from the brightness of the blooms in her flower beds that her yard had been well taken care of by the boy next door.

Kate pushed the button on the garage door opener and waited as the heavy door lifted. There, parked in the shadowy interior as if Doug were home, waiting for her, was the almost new, sparkling white Cadillac that had been Doug's pride and joy. For a long moment, she sat in the driveway, the engine of her ancient economy car idling roughly before she pushed the button a second time and let the door slide closed. Even though there was plenty of space next to his car for hers, she decided she would leave her car in the driveway. Seeing Doug's beloved Cadillac every day was a pain she could avoid, at least temporarily. Right now she had to take things one at a time.

Leaving her suitcases in the car until later, she walked along the brick pathway to the front door. Large, red-veined caladium leaves lined the sidewalk, and the heavy fragrance of the tiny white blossoms on the waxed-leaf
ligustrum hedge hung in the air. A fat gray squirrel scampered down the rough bark of an ancient live oak tree that spread shade over most of the lawn. Kate's sharpened senses noted it all, but instead of appreciating the beauty of nature, she resented it. Everything should look as gloomy and depressed as she was feeling. It was as if nothing had changed.

Kate drew in a ragged breath and struggled to insert the key into the lock. She knew the house would offer her little peace as each knickknack and every piece of furniture would remind her of Doug. But there was a certain degree of comfort, along with the pain, in the memories they evoked. She didn't brother turning on the lights. Inside the sprawling brick home, it was cool and refreshingly dim after the brightness of the sun outdoors.

Slumping onto the couch, she leaned back, letting the cushions support the weight of her throbbing head. She wished she could fall back on the Scarlett O'Hara logic and not think about things until tomorrow. But she knew she had put off facing the facts for too long. There were several items that needed her immediate attention, particularly the household bills and the accounts payable and receivable from the company. Hopefully, there would be outstanding income that would help her make ends meet for the next couple of months. The only payments she had kept up on while she was away had been the mortgage and the utilities. Even the Cadillac's notes were three months late. But for the moment she didn't see any hope in catching up on them. They were too high and money was too scarce.

"Why, Doug?" she cried. "Why did it have to happen to you?
To us? We had everything going for us. The business was picking up. We had a baby on the way. How am I going to be able to manage alone?" Tears that hadn't been far from the surface for the past three months filled her eyes and trickled down the sides of her face. There was so much to do, and her energy was at an all-time low. The accident combined with her pregnancy made her moods unusually extreme and kept her from clearly sorting through her problems. One thought ran into another until it all seemed hopelessly tangled.

She realized the sun had set, and the darkness of nightfall was beginning to envelope the room. Soon it would be time for bed, and still she had resolved nothing. Although she wouldn't have minded not moving from the couch for the rest of the evening, Kate forced her reluctant body to stand up and move to the kitchen table. Along the way, she flicked on enough lights to chase away some of the shadows that persisted in haunting her and picked up a notepad and a pen.

She wished she had the luxury of an extended grieving period. But the cold, hard truth of the matter was that she would have to pull herself together and try to get on with her life. The baby was due in the middle of June, and it was already the first week in May. That meant she had only a few weeks to get the business back in operation or it would lose whatever contracts that might be pending. She had turned all of the current projects over to a friendly competitor, but she knew she was running a risk of not being able to woo those contracts back once she got the business restarted.

The oil business was particularly fickle, and the large corporations' loyalties would lie with whoever could get the job done as quickly as possible. Time was money for them, and for her. Every day the C-Breeze helicopter sat on its pad could be costing her thousands of dollars down the road.

She and Doug had worked hard to start their own helicopter transport business twelve years ago. Texas had been floating on a wave of black gold at the time, and any oil-related occupation was guaranteed to prosper. It hadn't taken them long to pay off the loan on their first helicopter, but just as they expanded their fleet to add a larger, newer chopper, the bottom dropped out of the market and dozens of low-producing rigs were capped off, reducing the activity in the entire Gulf but particularly off the Texas coast. Not as busy as before the fall, C-Breeze had still managed to make a few runs every week and continue to show a healthy profit.

As soon as the business began to provide a steady, comfortable income, Kate had, at her husband's insistence, left the management of C-Breeze to him. She hadn't minded handling the bookkeeping and even enjoyed keeping in touch with their clients. But Doug had been so proud that his wife didn't have to work. Because of the unstable economy, most of their friends and relatives were forced to rely on two incomes to keep up their standard of living, and it became a matter of principle that Doug could provide for his family.

He had told her it would be good for business if they were to mingle with the country club set. So Kate had learned how to play bridge and scheduled regular tennis games with the wives of oil company executives. She had expected to hate it, but she had enjoyed the exercise and the companionship. But to keep from feeling she was totally wasting her time, she became involved in several charities, especially those involving children or the elderly.

Her days had been full and satisfying, particularly because she felt she was contributing to the community and, at the same time, the welfare of C-Breeze. Kate accepted that perhaps she could be more valuable to the company out of the office than by spending eight hours a day at a desk.

So, it had been years since Kate had taken part in the day-to-day operations of C-Breeze. Suddenly, it was all on her shoulders. There was not even a secretary to rely on to carry part of the load. The young woman who had been handling the light office work had quit several months before Doug's death, and he had been relying on temporary help.

Which meant that not only would Kate have to manage the company, but she would have to handle the office work until a replacement could be found.
In fact, the only thing she wouldn't be doing was flying the helicopter.

Of course, now the company would have to rely on its old helicopter since the new one had sunk to the bottom of the Gulf at a spot where the water was too deep and the cost too prohibitive to seriously consider trying to salvage the craft.

The business's insurance company had immediately paid off, but the amount had barely covered the balance of the loan on the expensive Bell 206 helicopter. However, knowing she wouldn't have to worry about those payments had taken quite a load off her mind. The old helicopter would probably require a little work to get it back into shape, but at least it was free and clear.

Kate took a break from her list-making to heat some soup for a late dinner. Even with her mother's melt-in-your-mouth desserts and her father's savory meals, eating had been more of an obligation than a pleasure. Since the accident, Kate's appetite had disappeared completely. But she was forcing herself to follow a balanced diet for the baby's sake, even though it sometimes was almost impossible to swallow past the lump that seemed to be permanently lodged in her throat.

A tiny twitch vibrated through her, followed a few seconds later by another, then another.

"Okay, okay. I'm eating," she spoke aloud, an infrequent smile softening the worry lines that had become etched in her forehead. She spooned the soup into her mouth until the bowl was empty and the baby's hiccups had stopped. Resting her hand on the rounded bulge she assumed was either the baby's head or its rear end, Kate sighed. "I wish you were already here, so I could hold you and talk to you. In fact, it would be awfully convenient if you could inherit your father's skill at flying that helicopter. I sure could use a good pilot, and I don't think there's an overabundance of them around here."