Steeling My Haart (27 page)

“You know, Em, seeing you in the store
with Adie and Leo was hard. Adie was so sweet. I hate to admit that I was
relieved that the kids weren’t biologically yours. I have dreamed many times of
having a beautiful little blonde-haired child with you and in some of the
harder times in my past, this was all that had kept me going. I looked and
looked but couldn’t see much resemblance to you in Adie’s tiny face and now I
know why.”

“I wanted to kiss you so much that day
and tell you everything, but I just needed to know why you never came for me. I
am stupid though. I know I could have come back, but I need to tell you some
things and I don’t think you are going to like what I have to say.” She sobbed.

        
“Shhh,
sweetheart, I’m here and it’s going to take a lot to push me away again. I love
you. I realized on Christmas Eve just what you still meant to me. I watched
your patience with those adorable children and saw how they both love you. How
could they not, though? Emma, you have blossomed into an amazing woman and you
wouldn’t believe the regret that poured over me for the last eight years. I
felt instantly guilty at spending these last few months wallowing in more
self-pity that the average human would deal with in a lifetime. What you have
sacrificed to give those children a loving home and a future, even though you
are on your own, humbled me beyond words. You are so brave, so caring. It hit
me just how selfish I had been by not swallowing my cowardice. I left you on your
own and for that I am truly sorry but I’m here for you and those adorable
infants, I want to be part of your future if you’ll let me? Please believe
that.

        
“Did
you realize you snore?” he said, trying to lighten the mood.

        
Wiping
her eyes and blowing her nose, Emma laughed slightly. “I do not,” she
protested.

        
“You
do. On Christmas Eve I realized you’d fallen asleep on the sofa when I heard the
cutest soft snores echoing across the room. The nicest feeling in the world was
when I took you to your room and put you to bed.”

        
“I
remember you telling me you loved me. I though that was a dream but when I woke
yesterday to find your letter I knew I hadn’t dreamed it.” She confessed.

“I thought you’d heard me because you
smiled in your sleep.”

“I did?” She raised her eyebrows.

“Yes, you did. And Emma just so you
know for the last eight years, ten months and seventeen days – not that I
was counting – my heart has been empty. I’m beginning to feel it filling
up again, and that’s all down to you, sweetheart.”

Emma was totally blown away.
 
She realized that at some point during
his confession he had distanced himself from her. She understood, the magnetic
pull of her soul to his growing too strong to resist, but they needed to clear
the air before she would be ready to move on. She wanted to go and comfort him
but there would be plenty of time for that later and she hoped he would be
willing to stay with her tonight.

        
“I
truly feel the same. I’m here now, and if after we’ve finished talking tonight,
you still want me I’m yours,” Emma stated quietly as she looked up at him over
the table. “I’m still confused as to why you were in Vegas, though? Why didn’t
you come to New York and see me there?” she questioned.

        
“I
had my reasons and if I’m being truthful I didn’t have a clue until that day it
was you I was supposed to be meeting. It was neutral ground and I was going
anyway to test the water with officially branding all this,” he gestured around
the diner with his hands. “And I’d also been recommended this lawyer I needed
to speak with and I was assured she would be attending the conference as a
guest.” He half smiled and winked at her. “I still need help and would be honored
if you’d do the work.”

        
“Of
course I will,” she said after letting Charlie’s words sink in. Just as her she
spoke as her stomach growled loudly. They both laughed out and the tension was
broken with the distraction.

        
“Okay,
okay I’m sorry.” He chuckled as he slid out from the booth. “I get the hint!
Give me five and I’ll be back.” He headed out to the kitchen, first holding out
his hand and tenderly stroking her damp cheek as he passed. He had explained
earlier that he had asked his regular chef if he wouldn’t mind working for an
hour or so this evening. So when he entered the kitchen, it was all ready to
go. It only took a few minutes for him to prepare the food and he came back
into the main diner with a plate in each hand and brought two perfectly cooked chicken
and avocado salads to the table. “I have it on good George authority that this
is your favorite.” He grinned.

        
“Yes,
it is, thank you,” Emma replied bashfully and they both tucked into the meal.

 
       
When
they had finished eating, she told him just how she was bursting with pride at
how much he had achieved and he was also filing her in on the times he had been
so close to approaching her. He even confessed to having paid George extra to
have him deliver her breakfast that weekend she had looked after the kids for Lily.

        
“Lily
said at the time she thought I had a secret admirer when George had delivered
my breakfast. If only she were still here and I could tell her,” she said with
sadness in her voice.

        
“You’ll
have to tell me one day all about Lily,” he suggested. “She seems like she had
been a good friend to you over the years.”

        
“She
was the best and she helped me though a lot of bad times. Your name was a curse
in the early days, but if she could have met you, I’m sure she’d approve.” Her
gaze fell to her plate and she now just started to shuffle the food round it.
“I was all she had until she met Gary, and now look what’s happened. It’s so
unfair that those beautiful kids now have to be brought up by a failure like me
instead of their mom and dad,” she said mournfully.

        
“Hey
you are far from a failure, sweetheart, if only you could see what I can,” he
said and she shifted the plates from the center of the table and leaned in, kissing
her on the forehead. She looked up at him with pain and sadness deep in her
heart. .

“You don’t know everything, Charlie,
and I’m afraid you’re going to hate me when you know.” She lowered her head.

        
He
firmly lifted her face up by holding her chin between his finger and thumb. He
lowered himself so he could see her eyes clearly. “I want to be here for you.
Don’t hide it from me, sweetheart, I can handle it. So long as I have a chance
at having you back I think I can handle just about anything.”

        
“I
was pregnant, Charlie. A couple months after you left me I found out I was
pregnant with your baby,” she blurted out. She saw the air immediately leave
his lungs and watched as his face drained of color. He leapt from his seat
opposite her and started pacing the floor at the side of the booth, running his
hands frantically through his hair.

        
“No,
oh, God, Emma. No. What did I do?” he muttered to himself. Quick as a flash, he
knelt by her side and took both of her hands in his, with such a sincere look
on his face he said, “I am so sorry, sweetheart. I was careless and I never
thought until after… Oh, what have I done to you? I left you alone then had you
have had to deal with all this by yourself.

“What did we have? What happened?” he asked
suddenly and she watched him brace himself for her reply.

        
“I
lost it.” She sniffed out as he stood immediately taking her into his arms; she
was not sure whether he sought to comfort her to take comfort from her. “I was
around nine weeks pregnant, and I had no clue until it was all over.” She
halted as the emotion took over and her throat closed up with the lump that
refused to go away.

        
“Em,
sweetheart, I can’t tell you how sorry I am that you had to go through this all
alone,” he said his face etched with deep regret. Emma flinched as she the
heartbreak cloud his face.

       
“It
was all my fault. I should be the one who’s sorry. I went through a hard time
after you left. I let myself go, stopped eating, drank a lot, basically abused
my body to the point it couldn’t sustain our baby. I am so sorry, Charlie, you
have to understand. That’s why I couldn’t come back to you. I just never knew
how to tell you what I’d done. I’ve lived with the heartbreak every day and now
I have Adie and Leo, it just seems more important than anything I prove to
them, and Lily, I can do this.” Her voice waivered on the last few words as she
let go of everything she had hidden away for so long.

        
Charlie
fell silent and all she could do was hold onto him whilst she let go. Tears
streaked down his face, too, and she saw him frown. She knew he didn’t blame
Emma for any of this and her heart broke again to think she had lived with this
for all those years. She knew there were no words she could say that would make
him feel any better right then so she just held him and finally let herself
mourn their loss, as he mourned with her.

The huddle of the two broken figures
painted a sorrowful picture for over an hour. The evening was turning to night
and Emma suddenly realized the diner wasn’t the most comfortable place to be falling
apart. She was aware that he had lifted her from the floor where they had
settled and sat her onto the bench seat at the side of the booth. He reached
for a napkin and carefully mopped her cheeks dry, planting a tender kiss on
each cheek as he did. He gathered their things, leaving the plates where they
were as he shot a quick text someone.

        
He
helped Emma into her coat and led her out of the diner and to his truck. She
was feeling pretty helpless at the moment, trying to find the words to make him
feel better. As he climbed in the driver’s seat, he leaned over and lifting her
chin he simply said, “I love you, Emma, always have, and always will.” And
started the truck, turning out of the parking lot and towards home. They drove
in silence across the small town, all too quickly reaching their destination.

        
She
could see that the further he was driving form the diner, the more nervous he
was becoming.

        
Emma
had been silent the whole ride over, gazing solemnly out of the window but in
so much of a world of her own that she hadn’t realized where they were. As he
hit the remote on the dash of the truck the automatic gates of his home sprang
open. Emma gasped as she realized where they were. “Is this your place, too?”
she asked. “I came here the day I saw you at the diner and was blown away with
the stunning house that someone has built here.”

        
“Guilty
as charged, sweetheart,” he replied and as the gates opened wide enough to let
the truck pass through. A series of well-placed automatic lights illuminated
the tidy driveway. The house was then flooded with light and it looked even
more amazing. He drove the truck into the large subterranean garage he had
installed and she was surprised to also see several high-powered cars and a
couple of motorbikes in there, too.

“Are these all
yours?’ she asked, astounded at the fact she had way underestimated how
successful he had actually been.

“Yes, they are all
mine, but I still prefer driving around in this old girl. She is full of the
best memories.” He offered a small grin. “Now you’ll have to excuse the state
of the house, it’s still far from finished, and I’m basically living in the
front two rooms right now. I can’t decide what to do with the rest of it yet.
Maybe someday I might get some help with designing a home. It’s lacking a
feminine perspective in my opinion.”

        
He
led her up the modern staircase into the expansive hallway of the house above.
Even just the framework of this house was stunning. He watched as she took a
moment to take it all in as he led her to the front annex. There was so much
potential to make such a wonderful home in here. They walked across the empty
and cavernous space to a small part that had been boarded off and as he led her
through the wooden door, a cozy apartment-style space was uncovered.

        
He
had made great use of the smaller area he had sectioned off to live in. The décor
was simple, but warm and Emma noticed the large overstuffed chair and L-shaped
beige fabric couch that separated the living area form the small kitchen area.
There were two doors off this main space on the opposite wall leading to what
she assumed might be his bedroom and bathroom. The wall to the right was a
floor to ceiling window that took in the best of the view of the garden. It was
warm, even in the cold, winter weather they were experiencing. There were
little by way of personal effects, though, and over on the wall toward the
doors he showed her that there were two pictures he had hung. There was one of
him and his mom and another one of her, sitting in the old auto shop. It was
one that she had never seen but it captured her perfectly. And it touched her to
the core that he had it on his walls.

        
He
approached her from behind as she was reminiscing back to the old days. Placing
his hands gently on her shoulders, he spoke quietly. “I meant what I said back
there, sweetheart. I love you with all my heart.” She turned at his words and
smiled slightly.

“I love you, too. So
much, but how can you still love me after what I’ve done?”

“You didn’t do a
thing, sweetheart. Please understand that. These things happen and it obviously
wasn’t meant to be our time to be parents. And how can I not love you? I am the
one not deserving your love after I just walked out and left you. I thought in
my heart it was the right thing to do, but I know now I have wasted the last
eight years without you. I want to make it up to you, and if you’ll let me back
in I never want to be apart from you again.” She saw the love for her radiate
from him as he spoke.

“Do you remember the day we first met?
I remember it like it was yesterday. It was half way through the first semester
after the summer break, not long after my fifteenth birthday. You had blossomed
over the summer and as you came breezing into the cafeteria it felt like the
air had been knocked out of my lungs.” He paused and Emma noticed, his breath
hitched with the memory in the same way as it had back then.
 

        
“I
first noticed your long, dark hair that framed your cute sun kissed face and as
you turned I was pulled toward your deep brown eyes.” He continued, slowly
reaching for a strand of her silky hair and rubbing it slowly between his
fingers.

“As you turned to
face me, I noticed how you caught me watching you.”

“I remember,” she
whispered. “I was holding my breath. I hadn’t ever noticed you before but you
were just so gorgeous sitting there alone. I remember the sun shining on your
hair, lighting it up like you were on fire. That’s why I called you Blaze. I
never got to tell you that. You looked like you were on fire that day and then
when you finally touched me it felt like I was on fire. Your touch set my skin
ablaze.”

“I always wanted to
ask why you called me that.” He smiled at her.

        
“I
had felt like we were united in a silent, but powerful connection across that
crowded space and for a time everything seemed to freeze around us.”

        
“I
felt it too. You were looking at me with such wonder in your eyes that I
couldn’t look away. I think I even loved you then, Charlie.”

        
“I
was determined to get to know you and was about to come over to talk to you
when you broke the connection first. One of your friends began to click their
fingers in front of your face.”

        
“I
remember that. I could have committed murder that day!” Emma laughed. “You were
transfixed and I remember you flashing me such a beautiful crooked smile just
before I looked away. I think I even blushed.” She cringed at the memory.

        
“You
did, but when you smiled back it melted my heart. I felt like you had seen me,
like really seen into my soul and taken a large part of it with you as you
walked away that day.”

        
“Ditto,
Mr Haart. I remember you came back taller than most after a growth spurt during
that summer. I always thought you were the most good looking guy at school.” She
blushed at her confession. “Your blue eyes always got you a bit of attention
from the girls at school. I also remember how your body had developed too.” She
grinned.

        
“I
remember, I’d had to take on a few heavy jobs after school to help pay the
bills. I needed to make sure that my mom and me could survive. Mom was so
crippled with arthritis that she couldn’t work a lot of the time. I never had
much time to socialize and you know I was only staying at school until I was
old enough to leave legally.”

        
“You
now that was a huge reason why I fell in love with you. You are the most
selfless person I know, Charlie, and I hope you never change.”

        
“Really?
I honestly thought you didn’t know who I was,” he said. “I had watched you from
a distance for months after that moment, rarely seeing you because our
schedules never seemed to cross. I had been satisfied with those glimpses
because I knew a girl like you wasn’t in my league. You never would be.”

        
“Why
did you think that? It took me months to pluck up the courage to ask you out!”

        
“You
were one of the popular girls and way above anything that I would ever be. So, I
was stunned when you approached me at the end of that semester and asked me
out. You were as pure as the driven snow, you always have been. Did you know
that you gave me a reason to fight and keep fighting against the odds and from
that moment? You drove me onwards, and had succeeded in encouraging me to
finish my high school diploma via distance learning. With your help I graduated
and you gave me all this,” he said as he swept his hand around the room.
 

        
Emma
turned to face him and instead of replying, she stood on her tiptoes and kissed
him hard on the lips, the need for reassurance and connection with him
overtaking everything. She was a lost cause at the contact. She wanted to deepen
the kiss and as he softly licked against her lips, she opened them slightly
letting him in. He didn’t hold back and kissed her in such a way that she felt
every bit of desperation and tenderness, but she knew deep in her heart that
this was it for her. It was like he had caused a spark to erupt into an inferno
as she responded to his kiss. Gripping him tight by the back of his head and
feathering her fingers through his hair, she moaned loudly as he ran his hands
up her sides and took off her jacket in one swift movement.

        
He
led her slowly backwards to the couch and as she laid back, her hair fanning
out around her head, he was dumbstruck at her beauty and vulnerability.
Suddenly the room felt too quiet and he remembered one of the surprises he had
prepared in case she came back. He was hoping that they might work through
things and the evening was panning out just as he had hoped and he wanted to
night to be perfect. Quickly standing and shedding his outer clothes, he discarding
them clumsily he reached for his iPod remote.

He surprised her by
showing her the playlist of some of their favorite songs he admitted to putting
together yesterday after she agreed to meet with him, ones that had meant
something to them years ago. As the first notes flooded the room, she sat
upright and a look of understanding crossed her face. “Oh, my goodness,
Charlie, it’s our song!” she squeaked out. “I haven’t been able to listen to
this in years.” The happiness on her face was now evident and he stalked over
to her with purpose and as he reached her he took her face in his hands, whist
he rested one of his knees on the sofa between her legs, leaving the other on
the floor to steady himself.
 
He
leaned in, causing her to fall back the cushions. He took her lips on his and
kissed her with a passion she hadn’t felt in a long time. He drew his tongue in
long strokes, in and out of her soft mouth. He was caressing her tongue and
lips with his as he tasted her. She could feel his arousal hard against his
jeans. She couldn’t stop herself groaning and writhing beneath him as she
became increasingly aroused.

        
Breaking
the kiss, he lifted her from the couch and took her in his arms, “I’m not doing
this on a couch again, but now is the time to tell me if this isn’t what you
want,” he said breathlessly.

“Charlie, take me to
bed. Now. I have never wanted anything as much in my entire life. It’s been a
long time since I have wanted anything as much. I.LOVE YOU. And I don’t think I’m
capable of loving anyone else as much as I do you. If that isn’t enough of a
reason then…” she was abruptly halted by a pair of hungry lips descending on
her mouth, greedily taking everything she had to offer. After he silenced her,
he lifted her until her legs were straddling his waist.

        
He
strode purposefully over to the doors and opening one of them with the hand
that had been supporting her legs, he kicked it open and switched on the dim
light, revealing a stunningly simple bedroom. In the center was a huge bed,
made up with a soft looking white comforter and a huge pile of pillows. She
immediately noticed bunches of red roses were adorning almost every available
surface. The music that was playing the iPod seemed to be playing softly in the
background. It was such a romantic sight.

        
“I
am so turned on right now, Charlie, I can’t believe you have done all of this
for me. The flowers are beautiful and every little detail you have remembered.
Blaze its perfect.” She said in a low voice, thick with arousal.

        
“You
only deserve the best, Em, you really do. Now will you let me show you just how
much you mean to me? I haven’t done this in so long but I intend to show you
just how much I love you tonight. I forgot how much you affect me, just by
being you, sweetheart. And tonight you are mine, and I intend to make this the
night we remember for the rest of our lives.” He groaned out as she looked up
at him with hooded eyes full of love, desire and promise.

        
As
he laid Emma gently in the middle of the bed, he shed his clothing quickly and
stripped down to his underwear. She watched as he took her in. He had bulked
out a lot since she last saw him. She pondered that it must have taken him
years to gain the perfectly chiseled abs and shoulders. His body was a
testament to the hours he must have spent working out.

        
“Like
what you see, sweetheart?” He chuckled at the look on her face as she took him
in.

        
Emma
leaned up slightly and ran her hands up and down his defined six-pack and
groaned at how amazing it felt to finally have her hands on him again.

“Oh yes, Charlie you are goddam perfect.”

“Well thank you,” he said as a faint
blush crept up his cheeks,

“Seriously, is all this muscle this for
real? You must spend hours in the gym? It’s hot by the way… Just so you know.”
She said.

        
Chuckling
as he sat back he said, “Well I’m glad you like it. I had to do something to
release the frustration and pent up energy I’ve been carrying around since I
stupidly left my girlfriend all those years ago. I regret every minute of that
time Em and the only way I’ve been able to keep it together is to burn myself
out until I collapse. I’m now hoping we can find a better way for me to blow
off steam,” he replied as he lowered his mouth to hers and kissed her on the
mouth.