Still Life with Strings (27 page)

“Who, April?” I ask, my
brow furrowed.

Eyes still closed, he
shakes his head and whispers, “No, not April.”

I suck in a sharp
breath. Emotion immediately grips me, clogging my throat. I can’t speak, so I
simply step out of the room and close the door softly behind me. It seems I’ve
just been dealt my own little memory bitch slap. Upstairs in my bed, I lie
beneath the covers and stare at the sparrows on my wallpaper.

Those sparrows mean so
much more to me than most people even realise.

For the first time in
years, I think of a girl long past and cry myself to sleep.

The next morning I almost regret having
given Patrick a chance. It takes forever to wake him up, and he’s hung over as
fuck. The living room smells like a brewery, so I have to open all the windows
as wide as they’ll go to let the stink out.

Once I’ve wrangled him
into having a shower, I go get my phone to call my old friend Cheryl. She works
as an administrative assistant at the rehab clinic I booked myself into way
back when. Thinking about it, it should be time for me to get a new tattoo to add
to my collection soon.

When I get her on the
line, I beg and plead and practically promise her my left kidney to get her to
find a place in the clinic for Patrick. In the end she finally finds a way to
squeeze him into a three-week stay. I really hope he stays the course. If he
leaves, then I wash my hands of him.

There’s only so much
you can do for people before they have to take control of things themselves. It
feels like I’ve barely had time to breathe as I rush into work after getting
Alec to drive Patrick to the clinic.

I have a
two-and-a-half-hour break in the middle of the day between the conference and
the evening concert, so I go home to put my feet up for a while. I’m at a deli
getting a chicken salad wrap made up when my phone buzzes with a text.

Shane: Hey Bluebird. You
want to come over tonight? Xxx.

A little thrill goes
through me at his question as I remember our time in the hotel yesterday. I do
want to come over, but I don’t text him back right away. There are a few
misgivings rising to the surface of my thoughts, telling me I should slow
things down with Shane. I mean, fuck buddies are only supposed to get together
every once in a while, right? But with us it seems we’re seeing each other
practically every day.

At my house I’m hoping
to relax and watch some mindless daytime television. It doesn’t seem like I’m
going to get my way as I step inside the living room to find April lounging on
the couch, snogging the face off some guy. They’re going at it so much that
they don’t even hear me come in. I have to cough extra loudly to get their
attention.

Immediately they hop
off each other, and I grin, eyeing the guy. I could definitely refer to him as
a boy,
thankfully
, because he looks no older than eighteen or nineteen.
He’s got the whole skater style going on.

“Sorry to interrupt,” I
say, folding my arms and shooting April a raised eyebrow.

She fumbles with her
T-shirt, fixing it back in place. “Uh, this is Chris. Chris, this is my older
sister, Jade.”

“Pleased to meet you,
Chris,” I say, flopping down onto an armchair and opening up my wrap. I take a
big bite, chewing as I ask, “So, where did you two meet?”

“He lives in the
apartment next to Lara’s. We met when I was leaving her place one day,” says
April, a small smile on her lips. She seems nervous. She must really like this
boy, and he’s actually an appropriate age. I could jump for joy right now.

“Cool,” I say, just as
she gets up from the couch and motions for Chris to do the same. He rises, his
cheeks flushed with obvious embarrassment. They’re about to leave when I tell
her, “Oh, by the way, Shane gave me tickets for you to see him play. Do you
still want to go?”

April looks at me, and
then her eyes flick to Chris. “Nah, you can have them. I’m good.”

Well, no one could ever
say my sister didn’t have a flighty side. A new boy on the scene, and she’s all
but forgotten about her little crush on Shane. Although it’s probably a good
thing. It could get slightly weird, given I’m having sex with the man.

The front door opens
and shuts, signalling their departure, and I let out a contented sigh. Peace at
last. When I’m done eating, I let Specky in and she sits on my lap, keeping me
company as I watch a Dr. Phil rerun. Is it just me, or is he getting bitchier
in his old age?

After a while I take
out my phone and read Shane’s last text again. I feel bad leaving him hanging,
but I really don’t know how to reply. In the end, I bite on my lip and start
typing.

Jade: I’m going to be
working late again. Can we wait a few days? Miss you. X.

I hit “send” before
realising that asking him for a few days’ break from each other and then
telling him I miss him is a bit of a contradiction. It’s true that I miss him,
though. It’s just that what happens when we’re around one another scares me.

My phone buzzes.

Shane: Miss you, too. Like
crazy. A few days will kill me. Tomorrow?

I can’t stop my heart
from speeding up when I read this. I mull over how to respond for a minute.

Jade: This is only supposed
to be a casual thing. I want to see you, but I think we’re letting ourselves
get serious too quickly. It frightens me…

Whoa. Talk about frank
honesty. I feel incredibly nervous after I hit “send,” not knowing what he’s
going to say to that, but I need to get it out there. Seconds later my phone
starts to ring. Oh, no. He’s calling me. This can’t be good. Forcing the
shakiness out of my hands, I pick up the phone and answer.

“Hey.”

“Babe,” says Shane, his
voice low and full of affection.

“What?” I respond,
unable to disguise the note of anxiety in my tone.

“You’re fucking adorable,
but you need to stop overthinking this.”

“No,
you
need to
stop being so nice to me,” I blurt out, and he chuckles.

“What? You want me to
be a bastard instead?”

“That’s not what I
meant. You’re being all attentive and stuff, and I know exactly what you’re up
to.”

There’s a smile in his
voice when he replies, “Okay, enlighten me, then?”

“You’re making this
‘arrangement’ into a relationship, a serious relationship, and that’s not what
I agreed to.”

When I dived into this
thing head first without a thought for my sanity, I never considered he’d be
sly like this. And the fact of the matter is, my heart loves that he’s being
sly. My heart is a needy thing that wants to be lavished with attention.

He lets out a long
sigh, and it sounds like he’s fiddling with a piece of paper or something. His
voice is low and serious when he says, “That’s not what I’m doing, Jade. I
can’t help it if I’m into you and I get carried away. Tell me where the
boundaries lie, and I’ll stick to them.”

I bite on my lip. He
sounds like he means what he’s saying. “Okay,” I reply warily.

There’s a beat of
silence before Shane says, “Are you at home or at work?”

“I’m at home.”

“Should I come over so
we can discuss this in person?”

“No,” I answer, almost
too fervently. “I have to get back to work soon. Let’s just talk on the phone.”

Because if I see you in
person, I’ll only want to kiss you, and then no talking will get done.

“Okay, stick it to me,
babe. What are your rules?”

Oh, God, did I mention
how much I like his telephone voice? It’s so deep and masculine, like a cup of
warm chocolate. And when he calls me babe like that? Fucking hell. It’s not one
of those contrived terms of endearment, it’s like it just slips out so
naturally and he can’t help it.

“Well, I suppose only
seeing each other every couple of days would be a good rule,” I say.

“How many days is a
couple?”

“Um, three?”

“Right. So I can’t see
you for another two days?”

I hesitate, realising I
don’t like the sound of that, either, but I soldier on nonetheless. “Yeah.”

“That’s going to be
hard. What if we bump into each other when you’re working?”

“That’s fine. When I
say ‘see each other,’ I mean, like, you know…”

Jesus, am I blushing?

“Fucking?” Shane
finishes for me, a raspy note in his voice.

“Yes.”

There’s a muffled sound
of him moving and then, “Okay, what else?”

“No, uh, public
displays of affection when we bump into each other.”

“I can’t touch you?” He
sounds disappointed.

“No, you can’t.”

“I like touching you.”

“And that’s something
that couples do. We aren’t a couple.”

“Fine. Anything more?”

“I think that’s it.
I’ll let you know if I think of more.”

Specky, who had been
snoozing on my lap, wakes up and hops down onto the floor before scurrying into
the kitchen. I stand and follow her, opening the back door to let her out.

Shane clears his
throat. “So then I suppose I won’t see you until the night you and April come
to see me play.”

Oh, for God’s sake, why
does he have to sound so sad…and so appealing?

“Actually, there’s a
change of plans needed there. April got herself a new boyfriend and has no
interest in coming to the orchestra anymore. I think I might ask Alec along. I
know he’ll agree to it if I tell him Avery will be there.”

Shane laughs. “Sounds
like a plan. Will you stay with me that night?”

My reply comes out low
and shaky. “Sure.”

He seems happy again
when he says, “Brilliant. I can’t wait.”

I laugh, loving how
quickly his mood can improve, especially since it’s the prospect of spending
time with me that improves it. Again, my needy heart is reaching out for some affection,
and it’ll take whatever it can get.

“Right. I’ll see you
then, Shane.”

“See you, Bluebird,” he
murmurs, and then hangs up.

That night during my
shift, when my break comes I decide to go outside for some fresh air. There’s
an emergency exit to the rear of the first floor that leads out to a metal
staircase. I’m not supposed to, but it’s where I normally go when I need some
quiet time. I’ve been uncharacteristically accident prone tonight, letting a
glass smash onto the floor and almost spilling wine on a woman who was ordering
drinks from me.

It’s all because of
Shane.

The merciless man is
turning my entire life upside down. Perhaps not in a way that anyone can see,
but my head is a complete mess because of him. I pull a cigarette from my
pocket and light it up. Lara let me steal one from her bag in the staff room. I
don’t normally smoke. I only do on occasions like this when my nerves are at
me.

I take a long, deep
drag and stare out at the tops of the trees in the gardens behind the concert
hall. If I listen carefully enough, I can hear the wind rustling through the
leaves like the trees are whispering secrets. The smoke flows out of my mouth,
a wisp of fog snatched away by the darkness.

Hushed conversation
drifts up from below, and I peer down to see two people standing just outside
the backstage exit. I’m leaning against the railing, so if either of them
looked up, they’d see me right away. It only takes a second for me to recognise
one of them as Shane, and the other looks to be his father.

“Why won’t you speak to
her?” I make out his father’s words. He’s dressed casually, so he’s clearly not
here to see the show.

Shane drags his hand
through his hair. He’s wearing the tuxedo that all the men in the orchestra
wear during performances, a black coat with tails, a white shirt with a white
bowtie. I momentarily note how handsome he looks in it, how much it suits him,
before he replies to his dad, “I told her I was through after the other night.
How could she think it would be a good idea to invite Mona and Justin to her
event?”

“Your mother didn’t
realise how upset you’d be. Besides, we saw you on the television the other
morning. You said you’d be playing a duet with Mona for the orchestra’s new
season. I can’t see how you can be mad at her when you’ve agreed to work with
the woman.”

Shane steps forward
angrily, and his dad takes a step back. “That’s got nothing to do with it. And
for your information, I wasn’t told about playing with Mona until it was
announced to me quite inappropriately live on the air. I expect that kind of
carelessness from the orchestra management. I shouldn’t have to expect the same
from my own mother.”

“She’s very sorry,
Shane. She hasn’t been herself since you stopped taking her calls.”

“Good. She deserves a
taste of her own medicine.”

“She’s your mother. For
God’s sake, have a heart.”