Still Surviving (22 page)

“Rock star?” The smirk she was leveling my way made me laugh hard enough I felt it in my stomach.

“Yup. You with your fancy car and mad musical skills. A girl can get all sorts of swoon going for a rock star.” She took my hand in hers and gave me a lopsided smile.

“Nice, so you really are just using me for all my fame and fortune.” My sarcastic comeback made her throw her head back and laugh, drawing my attention to her throat. Tiffany’s alabaster skin was flawless. I let my gaze follow along the line of her pale blue V-neck t-shirt. The ink on her chest becoming visible just at the seam making me wish I could see what lingered below. The material of her thin cotton shirt fit snug against her breasts and tiny waist. She was so small, so fragile.

“You know I love you for more than just your good looks and bank account,” she teased me, but she had no idea how those words affected me. How those words had the ability to knock down years of built up cement brick around my heart. She gave me a nervous smile. “Well?”

Her question snapped me out of my thoughts. “Well, what?”

“You’re supposed to tell me how nice I look and where the hell we’re going.” She laughed at my obvious inadequacies. This dating shit… I wasn’t sure how I felt about it.

Tiff’s hair was up in a messy looking bun, the sharp line of her bangs as always sat perfect at her brow line. I noticed she had on a skirt and I smiled. “You wore a skirt for me?”

“I did. You like?” Her red stained lips spread into a giant grin. She was always beautiful no matter what she had on or how she chose to paint her face. Every side of Tiffany I got to uncover was just as remarkable as the last.

“I do… easy access.” I chuckled as she swatted at my arm.

“You’re an ass.” Tiff’s words had no bite since she spoke them through laughter. “Are we going to stand here all day, or are you taking me on a date?” She smirked.

“After you.”

Hand in hand and fingers intertwined, I led her to the car. It was mid-day, and the warm, un-fall like weather would make today even better. Once we were settled in the car and on the road I decided to tell her my plan. Just in case she hated the idea, I’d have time to figure something else out.

“About this date… I wanted to give you another best.” My normal confident candor waivered and I almost didn’t recognize my own voice.

“This sounds big.” Her hazel eyes were wide with excitement, and I prayed what I was about to say didn’t fill them with angry tears.

“The last time you went to Lagoon with your sister was important… special for you.” I watched as Tiff’s smile fell just enough that my stomach began to turn. I was already fucking up, and this date hadn’t even started. “I mean you haven’t been there since she passed away… so that memory was ruined. Tiff, I want to fix it. Let’s go there. Let’s go there and be stupid and young and remember your sister. Let’s remember everything that was good about her and you and your family… let me take you there, Tiff.”

Her eyes began to fill with tears, and her hands trembled in her lap. I splayed my right palm over her small hands and was almost able to completely envelop them. She sniffled and stuttered a laugh, causing the tight grip of fear to release from my ribcage. “You want to go to an amusement park?”

I nodded. “You’re last best was ruined. I want to make you a new one. One that is solely ours. Is that okay with you?” My smile pulled widely across my face. Tiffany’s lips mirrored mine as she nodded in agreement.

“I think that sounds amazing.”

“You sure?” My nervousness abated as she sat up straighter and wiped the tears from her eyes, owning the moment.

“Yes.” The hazel pools of her eyes rested on mine. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me. I told you, Angel… you’re worth everything.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

Tiffany

T
HE PADS OF MY
fingertips wiped at the tears on my face. Seth was more than I ever thought possible. This date… he couldn’t have picked a better way to show how much he really wanted this… wanted us to work. My heart skipped as he took my left hand in his and squeezed gently.

“You okay?” he asked with a soft smile.

“I really am.” My thumb grazed his, and he released a heavy breath.

“Good.”

Seth’s dark, almost black, hair fell across his forehead. The dark gray Rouge Wave band T-shirt he had on hugged his chest and fit snug on his biceps. The muscles in his arms were prominent as he gripped the steering wheel. The silent power he wielded sent a fissure down my spine. The thought of having him above me, his strong arms holding me, giving me what I needed, giving me a piece of him, it was all I could think of as I watched him from the passenger seat.

Deftones played from the stereo, and he turned up the sound. We drove like this all the way to Lagoon. Something about music, and how it drew Seth out, made me smile. I felt like I was in his private church as I watched and admired how he tapped to the beat, hummed along, and, at times, sang full force. I loved how he reacted to the notes. I got to witness him, in his own element… and he was magnificent.

“Do you mind if we park across from the park?” he asked as he pulled into a grassy field.

“Not at all. The parking lot is a shit show.”

He laughed at my comment and pulled the car under the canopy of trees that surrounded the small meadow.

“Are you excited?” He turned the ignition off and turned to look at me. His eyes were more gray today than blue. The dark color of his shirt reflected within his irises.

“Excited doesn’t even cover it.” I was a mixture of excited, nervous, and a bit scared. My fingers traced the raised skin on my arm; the familiar feel of the thin lines caused my body to tense. My eyes fell to my lap, and my hands started to shake. I let the lids of my eyes flutter close as I took three deep breaths. I could feel his eyes on me, waiting for me to fall apart. But I wouldn’t. He wanted to heal me; he wanted this to be a special day.

“She’d want you to live, Tiff. She’d want you to forgive yourself.” Seth’s voice was soft. The touch of his fingers on my cheek didn’t surprise me. My tears fell silently, and I knew he would wipe them away. Each syllable he spoke spurred something deep in my soul. I’d lost so much time. I wanted to start over again, and he was giving me that chance. He was showing me the way.

“How do you always know what to say?” My eyes opened, and I gave him a watery smile.

“I don’t. I just know what it’s like to hate yourself, to hate what you’ve become… and, at some point, you have to let that go.”

“And you have?”

“I’m here, aren’t I?” He took a stray piece of my hair between his thumb and forefinger, placing it delicately behind my ear.

“You’re here.” He
was
here. He was pushing his limits, creating a new way of living and it was time for me to do the same.

S
ETH AND
I
STOOD
out like a whore in church. Our heavily tattooed skin, dark hair, and multiple piercings seemed to freak out the locals. In the three years that I’d known Seth, I’d never seen him look as awkward as he did now, sitting across from me with a large funnel cake in front of him. He frowned at the copious amounts of powdered sugar, and I was unable to suppress my giggle. His stormy blue eyes met mine, and he grinned.

“What the hell is this?” He gawked at the fried bread.

“It’s a funnel cake.” My laughter got louder as he poked it with his finger.

“It looks unhealthy.” He smirked at me while I pulled apart the warm sticky bread with my fingers and popped a piece in my mouth.

“All the best things are,” I said with a full mouth of gooey deliciousness. “I promise, one taste and you’ll be hooked.”

“I could say the same about you.” His full lips pulled into an impressive smile, and I felt the blush creep across my cheeks. I swallowed and found that his eyes had fallen to my mouth. I could almost feel his lips on mine, his tongue taking what it wanted from me. I had to clear my throat to break the spell he had me under.

I balled up my napkin and threw it at him. “You’re really smooth, sunshine.”

He laughed openly. The palm of his hand rested on his chest as his shoulders shook with amusement. He caught his breath and claimed my stare.

“Let me try a bite.” His smirk was sinful.

I pulled a piece of the sticky cake from the plate and brought it to his lips. His eyes never left mine as he took the small bite, his lips lingered at the tips of my fingers, and my heart hammered in my chest.

“Good, right?” I smiled through my nerves.

He wet his lips, taking a taste of the left over powdered sugar that coated his bottom lip. “Hella fucking good.“ His smile pulled across his face. “You ready for one last ride?”

His eyes flicked to the large wooden roller coaster behind me. My entire childhood I was terrified of this ride, but that last time, the last time we were a family, I finally chose to ride it. This day had been just as it should be. Even though we were older and the majority of the people here were half our age, Seth and I made this ours; we made this day something we’d never forget. We rode every ride and acted like we were sixteen again. Seeing Seth so unrestricted, having him just like this… he was real. He was real, and I was letting go. Anna’s death wasn’t something I could hold all the blame for anymore.

“I’m ready.”

Those two words lit Seth’s smile. His wide grin met his eyes. “Fuck yes!”

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

Seth

T
IFFANY’S WHOLE BODY SHOOK
as we stepped out of the roller coaster cart.

“You going to make it?” I chuckled and she threw me a hateful glare, making me laugh harder.

“That was so scary.” She took my hand in hers as we walked toward the front of the park.

“I think you screamed the whole time.” The humor in my voice was thick, and she tightened her grip on my hand.

“I did.” She laughed at her admission. “Thank you for making me ride it.”

“I didn’t think I was actually going to have to pick you up and put you in the cart, though.” Tiff’s eyes darted to the ground with embarrassment. I pulled her close and draped my arm over her shoulder. “Don’t worry, I think I only pulled a few muscles.”

“Ha-ha very funny, Seth, you should be a comedian.” She looked up at me dryly.

The clouds started to move in over the mountains earlier while we had waited in line for the roller coaster. The air had turned chilly, and it looked like our date was about to get rained out. We’d decided to call it a day and head back to Salt Lake and have dinner. A crack of lightning lit up the sky, and Tiffany jumped.

“Shit, we need to hurry.” She picked up her pace, and I matched her stride as we made our way out of the park.

The thunder rolled across the valley as we ran to my car, and all I could think about was how today was so much more than I could have ever wanted. Being with Tiff, watching her feel free, young… I felt truly alive for the first time. Like I wasn’t just still surviving, like I was actually living in the now, and the past was just a small, black smudge that no longer existed.

I hit the ignition on my remote starter. I was regretting my idea to park across from Lagoon. Even though it was free to park here, and the shade of the trees would keep my black interior cooled, it appeared to be a moot point with how quickly the weather had changed. Tiffany’s skirt was made of a soft looking material that made me think of T-shirts, but I was sure she was feeling the cold on her legs as we ran.

She squealed as giant, cold drops of rain started to fall. I laughed as I scooped her up and threw her over my shoulder. “We’re going to get soaked, hold on.”

“Seth,” she whined. “You’re going to break your back, put me down.” She giggled as I smacked her ass.

“You’re as light as a feather.” She really was. She was so petite it was easy to toss her around. I tried not to think about how that turned me on.

“Yeah, I doubt that.” She giggled, and I picked up the pace as the rain started to fall harder.

I was happy to see the car was running as we advanced closer. Tiffany’s body pressed against the entire length of mine as I eased her to the ground. My heart pounded when she gazed up at me with hooded eyes.

“Don’t look at me like that, Tiff, my restraint is wearing thin. I’m not above having you right here in the rain.” My smirk was arrogant. I turned and opened the driver side door.
“Just like Honey”
by The Jesus and Mary Chain played on the stereo.

“What if that’s what I want?” Tiffany’s words were whispered. The rain had begun to fall in torrents and the thin, light blue shirt she wore clung to her skin, the dusky pink of her nipples just barely visible. No bra. I swallowed. My eyes drifted across her body, the skirt she had on, now drenched, hugged her thighs, the V between her legs made my blood start pumping, the animal in me was winning.

“What are you doing?” My voice was tight as I tried to control my breathing; the pain of my arousal pressing against my jeans was acute.