Stone Cold (27 page)

He took Hannah by the hand and they walked to the front door. Once outside, Josh pull
ed her close and proceeded to give her the longest most passionate kiss he’d ever done.

“I’m going to miss this the most. Please write to me as much as you can and kiss the letters with lipstick. It’s the closest I’ll be able to get to the real thing. You can bet I’ll be putting my lips on yours and imagining how they look, feel, and taste with every letter you send.”

Hannah thought that was one of the sweetest things she’d ever heard from a guy. She’d expected that by this point in their parting, she’d be crying but no matter how hard she tried, not one tear would surface. She’d hoped that Josh wouldn’t notice as they said their final goodbyes.

Chapter 21

Hannah felt a sense of relief when Josh left
for basic training. She missed him, but not in the way she should miss someone she was in love with.

The close call she’d had with him the night before he left made her realize even more how much she wanted to wait for the right guy. She wanted to wait for Conall.

As hard as she tried, she still hadn’t cried about Josh leaving. Instead, she felt a sense of freedom, a rebirth of sorts that boosted her spirits in a way she hadn’t felt in months, maybe even years.

It was December and the holidays were fast approaching. Josh was supp
osed to get leave near the end of March so that gave her several months to relax and interact with friends and family. She was also looking forward to making the trip to see Aunt Grace once again and the prospect of seeing Conall.

Over the past few years, Hannah had learned how to control her emotions when it came to the yearly attempts to meet him. At first she’d been greatly disappointed with each unsuccessful try, but with each passing year, she felt like they were making progress and would eventually be there at the same time.

As promised, she’d written Josh at least one letter per week since he’d left. She’d even sealed it with a kiss with bright pink lipstick just like he’d asked. It made her laugh to think about all the teasing he was sure to have taken when his buddies saw him kissing her lip imprint on each letter.

He’d written her too and his letters were much more from the heart than hers. He told her over and over how much he loved her and missed her and couldn’t wait to see and touch her again.

Hannah had written more about what she’d been doing and less about her feelings towards him. She told him about the sporting events she went to and about her volleyball matches. She told him about the dances and what she was doing with her friends.

The emotional comments were saved until the closing paragraph and were kept short and sweet and along the lines of, “I miss you, I’m looking forward to seeing you, love you, see you soon. Hannah.”

She’d hoped he was too busy to notice her enthusiasm about him and their reunion didn’t match his.

Be
fore she knew it, her 18th birthday had passed. It was the end of March 2002 and Josh was supposed to be home in two days but his training had been extended until the end of April.

This change of events played into her plans very well. If he’d come home at the beginning of the month she wasn’t
sure how she would’ve been able to get away for her trip to NYC while he was home.

If things worked out this tim
e and Conall was there, she’d be able to spend time with him before Josh got home two weeks later.

*****

Time rolled by and it wasn’t long before Sara confirmed with Aunt Grace that she was in good enough health for their annual visit and once again, they were on their way to NYC.

Hannah was the most relaxed she’d been in weeks.

Sara remarked, “Hannah, you seem to be really excited about going to the city today. It’s nice that you can be so happy when Josh is away. How do you do it? What’s your secret? I think you’re handling his absence better than me.”

She thought to herself, “If my
mother only knew. The secret is that I don’t have any deep feelings for him. The secret is that I’ve fallen in love with a boy I met only briefly a few years ago and haven’t been able to forget about since.”

Instead she said,
“There’s no secret really.”

Hannah thought about leaving it at that but something inside of her wanted the truth to come out. She was tired of shouldering h
er thoughts alone. She wanted more than anything to confide in her mother about everything. It was now or never.

“I don’t think I…” She hesitated to go any further.

“What don’t you think? What’s on your mind my darling daughter?”

Hannah sighed.

“Okay if I tell you something you have to promise me you won’t get mad or upset and that you’ll keep an open mind.”

Sara
had that concerned look in her eye that she always got when she was expecting to hear bad news.

“You can tell me anything, you know that and I promise not to make any snap judgments, fair enough?”

“You promise?”

“I p
romise.”

Hannah could feel the knot building in her stomach. She wanted to be sure to choose her words very carefully.

“I’m not sure I have the same feelings for Josh that he has for me. I’ve been feeling this way for a long time, maybe even back to the start of our relationship but I kept trying to tell myself that I’d eventually start to love him like he loves me but it just isn’t happening.”

She was looking out her
side passenger window waiting for her mother’s crushing response.

Sara
needed a moment to take in what she’d just heard. She didn’t know quite where to begin. This had caught her completely off guard and she wondered what else she didn’t know about her daughter.

She began, “I wish I’d known you felt this way much sooner. It’s no secret that I love Josh as if he was my own son but you come first Hannah and always will. I want you to make your own decisions about who you want to date and I’ll just have to get over it like everyone else.”

“I feel so guilty about leading him on for so long when I’ve known in my heart that he’s not the right one for me. I didn’t want everyone at school to be mad at me because they all think we’re the perfect couple and that I’d be crazy to let such a great guy go.”

“I can see how you’d feel that way, and maybe some people will be upset but they’ll have to get over it. He does seem like the perfect catch to many girls Hannah, but obviously not to you. You don’t have to feel guilty for being true to your own heart.”

Hannah was amazed at her mother’s response. She thought for sure she’d be devastated by the news and it would make her feel like she had to stay with Josh to please her.

Sara
was more than a little heartbroken but she had to keep that to herself. She was sad that Josh was not the one but happy that Hannah was confident enough in her own feelings to be able to discuss them with her and ultimately make her own decisions in life.

“So what are you going to do?”

Hannah was slow to answer. “I don’t know yet but can we please keep this between me and you for now? I haven’t told anyone else, except for Gina.”

“Yes of course we can. I won’t tell dad either. This is your business and your decision alone to make. I’ll support you no matter what you decide to do.”

This couldn’t have worked out better. Hannah was relieved to have finally told another person about her problems. She knew her mom would never tell another soul. She felt like they’d taken a major step in their relationship. Her mother had seen her as an adult for the first time, able to make her own decisions about how she wanted her life to be.

*****

They arrived at Aunt Grace’s and after visiting for a bit, Hannah excused herself to “go shopping” as she’d done the previous year.

She walked
briskly toward the park and started to feel butterflies in her stomach when she saw the benches.

The thought that Jack might be lurking somewhere nearby crossed her mind and she had every intention of staying near the crowds of people just in case. It seemed highly unlikely he would try to mess with her again after Gina nearly sent him to the hospital with her self defense moves.

That was one of the scariest moments of Hannah’s life and she didn’t care to relive that any time soon. Still, she couldn’t help smiling when she remembered the look on his face when Gina kneed him in his privates or when she’d hit him on the back of his neck knocking him to the ground.

She wondered if she’
d ever be able or willing to tell her mom about that experience.

“Chances are that one is going to stay
in my memory only,” she declared to herself.

S
he’d been sitting there for an hour when Hannah had to accept the fact that Conall wasn’t going to be there, again.

“Whoever said the third times a charm?”

*****

After this trip, Hannah had gotten a lot closer with her mom. She knew it was because she’d confided in her about her relationship with Josh and her mother was finally treating her like an adult.

Josh had come home but it was only for one week. The investigation into the 9/11 attacks was ongoing and he had to report to his assignment sooner than expected. She didn’t have the heart to end things with him when he had to go away again so soon.

As promised, her mom had been supportive and remained objective and uninvolved.

Josh was none the wiser, unaware of her lack of feelings and commitment to their relationship.

She was looking forward to
starting college in a few months and the challenges and new opportunities it would bring not to mention all the new friends she’d make.

Gina would be going to the same school as Hannah but they decided it would be too hard on their friendship if they were to room together
. They would still hang out as much as possible though. The rest of the summer was spent saying goodbye to friends at parties. It was sad but exhilarating at the same time. They were all finally moving on to a new phase in their lives.

Hannah had met her roommate
Megan Frye before the first semester began and thought they were going to get along really well. They seemed compatible enough and there was no reason to think otherwise.

When they mo
ved in together however, she quickly gained a new perspective on how first impressions can be deceiving.

It was as if Meg
an had two personalities. The first time they met she was soft spoken but talkative. She seemed sweet and friendly with an outgoing personality and was willing to work together maturely to be able to find ways to live in harmony in such a small space. They talked about boys and she seemed to have self respect and shared similar boundaries with Hannah where relationships were concerned.

Unfortunately, things changed rapidly.
Not more than two days into the semester, Hannah realized that it had all been just a front. Megan was talkative, but in a loud, obnoxious way. She was an extreme partier, drunk nearly every night. During one of her drunken episodes she’d removed all of her clothes and was walking up and down the hallway in their coed dorm naked until one of the guys covered her up with his jacket and guided her back to her room.

The last straw was when she started bringing random guys into the room at all hours of the early morning and had drunken sex with them not more than five feet away from Hannah
while she was trying to sleep.

She wasn’t a prude, but enough was enough.

Before the semester was out, Hannah had found another room with a better roommate, Lana Rhys, and never looked back.

She and Josh continued to exchange letters and she was feeling okay with things the way they were. There was no point in rocking the boat because as long as they weren’t together in person, she didn’t think about it muc
h. Josh had so much on his mind he didn’t have time to question where things were going.

The first semester was over in no time and
Hannah was home for the holidays. It was a series of parties and celebrations with her friends and family that lasted until after the New Year.

The second semester started without much fanfare and Hannah didn’t feel like a freshman anymore. Her 19
th
birthday was near and her friends had decided they wanted to throw her a huge party at the end of March.