Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals (14 page)

   
Depending on the time of day the wedding is taking place, you will be expected to dress up. I recommend wearing a suit no matter what, because it’s always better to be the best-dressed guy there than “that guy who showed up in the Madonna Confessions Tour T-shirt and white jeans.” In my defense, the invitation said
casual
, and you know that, Katherine.

   
A reception will follow, where people get extremely drunk and make total asses of themselves; however, that doesn’t mean you have to, as well. A local deejay named something
like Skeeter or Mickey Jive or Pooter will be on hand, or, in the case of a more expensive wedding, a live band with a wedding singer covering some of the most beloved and romantic Heterosexual songs of all time, songs like “Faithfully” by Journey, “Could I Have This Dance” by Anne Murray, or “Funky Town” by Lipps Inc.

   
At the reception, food will be served, as well as a wedding cake with miniature figurines of the bride and groom on top. No matter how funny you think it might be to position the bride figurine’s face on the groom figurine’s crotch, that is a
really
bad idea. Even though people might be egging you on and even though you may have had so many tequila sunrises that you left all sense of dignity in Funky Town, it is a
really
bad idea. A bad idea that can serve as the final straw with someone you spent four years living with when you first moved to the city and whom you used to call your best friend.

   
The reception will end with the bride throwing her bouquet to a swarm of single women. The Heterosexual tradition is that whoever catches the bride’s bouquet will be the next to get married, and the women around you will take this
extremely
seriously. It is best to simply stand back and let the ladies fight it out in what, to the untrained eye, will resemble a Civil War reenactment.

   
Eventually the bride and groom will leave, and everyone will throw either rice or birdseed on them. The tradition of throwing rice has become less PC, as it has been discovered that when birds eat it, their stomachs explode, and people stopped being cool with that sometime in the late ’70s. The bride and groom will drive away in a car that has
Just Married
written in soap on the back window. They will go off on a honeymoon to start their lives as husband and wife, and despite the fact that the bar might still be well-stocked, you are expected to politely make your exit and not demand another tequila sunrise, and under no circumstances should you call the bartender a “self-hating shit-tard” when he announces that the bar is closed and refuses to serve you.

All in all, if you follow these rules, Heterosexual weddings can be a lot of fun. It’s a beautiful thing to experience with the Heterosexuals in your life, and will serve as a great place for Heterosexual Watching, and sometimes for accidentally pissing off your best friend. Katherine, just call me. We should be able to talk about this. Please.

So, no matter what you did at their wedding, your Heterosexual friends have gotten married, and they’re now husband and wife. Your relationship dynamic might change dramatically, as a Single Heterosexual Female and a Married Heterosexual Female can be very different kinds of animals. The girl you used to call at midnight on a Wednesday and say,
“Let’s get margaritas!” might not respond as enthusiastically as she once did; instead, she might offer up the excuse that she has to work in the morning and that she and her husband just started watching the latest episode of
White Collar
. In more extreme cases, what tends to follow marriage is the ultimate shift in the Heterosexual lifestyle: childbirth.