Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals (12 page)

On the opposite end of the spectrum, Heterosexual Females prefer much more strategic approaches to mating. However, if a Heterosexual Female seriously likes the male, she will actively try to seal the romantic deal, oftentimes resorting to ultimatums; as a reference point, listen to Beyoncé’s hit song “Single Ladies,” in which she tells the male in question that if he liked “it” then he should have put a ring on “it.” The “it” in question here is obviously her ring finger, but it’s a bigger message than this, the message being that Heterosexual Females rightfully know what they want and go for it. Also that Beyoncé is Fierce with a capital F.

This early interaction sets the tone for the entire mating process. When the female portrays herself as shy, subdued, or hard to get, the male must woo her with mixed CDs,
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greeting cards that play Taylor Swift songs, and phrases like
deep connection
. This process can prove to be immensely expensive and tiring for the male. In the case of a more aggressive Heterosexual Female or one with the helpful assistance of alcohol, the female may come on quite strong, igniting a more fast-paced mating process
that is usually welcomed by the Heterosexual Male. This female is sometimes deemed by society as “easy,” which is considered both highly derogatory and a reason for giving someone a reality television show.

The Heterosexual Female beautifully decorates herself with makeup, trendy clothing, jewelry, styled hair, and perfume. A good indication of the female’s interest in the male is just how much time she’s spent on her appearance. If a Heterosexual Female shows up on a date in sweatpants and a Mets cap, it’s safe to assume her interest is relatively low or that she is a lesbian of the butch persuasion. However, if she shows up dressed like Sandy in the last scene of
Grease
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after she gets all cool and sexy and wears a leather jacket and Rizzo may or may not have lost the baby she was freaking out about in the scene before, it’s safe to assume the female is either very interested or secretly a drag queen.

While this activity is practiced by both genders, the female nearly always outperforms the male. In order to weed out the duds, many females will research a possible mate on Facebook, discovering everything about his past and present, his favorite movies, and how fat he was in college. Warning: Heterosexuals should wait a minimum of two weeks before poking their possible mate and an additional three weeks before following him on Instagram. (Too many filtered photos of brunch dishes and your neighbor’s puppy have never helped anybody find the love of her life, ladies!)

This can come from Facebook-stalking or from a good old-fashioned conversation; either way, when the female discovers an interest of her male counterpart, she will often use this to her advantage, claiming to also have enjoyed the first three seasons of
The Wire
and that, she, too, thinks Jet Skis are “totally awesome.”

This practice can prove both successful and highly dangerous. My friend Colleen once really, really liked a guy and discovered from some serious Facebook-stalking that he was extremely into dirt bikes. I immediately warned Colleen that men with dirt bikes are just one step above men who wear raccoon tails from their belts as a fashion accessory. She didn’t listen and instead claimed to be obsessed with dirt bikes, too. Colleen was in an arm brace and leg cast within a week. By lying and not being her true self, Colleen not only screwed things up with a guy she really liked, but also injured herself so badly she had to miss
The Sound of Music Sing-Along
at the Hollywood Bowl, which we had tickets to go to the following weekend. So guess who had to go out in public as Kurt von Trapp in lederhosen without his Brigitta anywhere in sight? Whatever. It’s fine, Colleen. I’m over it now.

Other Heterosexuals randomly meet their mates at social functions due to happenstance or fate. Such social functions include bars, hip-hop listening parties, the park, or cocktail parties. At some point in all of our lives, we will find ourselves at a Heterosexual cocktail party.
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Do not panic and do not be alarmed
. That is the all-time worst way to begin the evening. Or any evening for that matter. Panicking at cocktail parties is like sitting through an entire episode of
The Good Wife
: After a few glasses of wine, sure, it seems like a good idea, but ultimately it just isn’t worth it.

A Heterosexual cocktail party can be lots of fun if you know what to expect; some of my favorite nights have been at Heterosexual cocktail parties. Obviously, they serve as a great place for some in-depth Heterosexual Watching.

Heterosexuals love those trays of cheese that have already been sliced when you buy them from the prepared-food deli case at the store. Even if they’ve gone to the effort to move the presliced cheese onto actual dishware, do not be fooled; this cheese was cut long before they bought it, and, no, that wasn’t a fart joke. Farting at cocktail parties, by the way, is usually frowned upon.

Good question. A bottle of wine is a perfectly respectable gift,
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and if you want to think outside the box, consider a scented candle or a decorative figurine. Heterosexuals love those candles that smell like baked goods and any sort of Precious Moments figurine. Gifts to avoid include edible clothing of any kind, Rita Wilson’s
AM/FM
CD, or, worst of all, do not regift the bottle of peach liqueur the hosts gave you for your birthday. I don’t care how much space it is taking up in your freezer; they will remember, and they will be hurt.

It isn’t going to be your taste, but ignore that and enjoy it. A little John Mayer never hurt anybody. Well, actually, I think he hurt Taylor Swift and I can only assume Jennifer Aniston, but who
hasn’t
hurt Jennifer Aniston? I promise that is the last time I’m going to bring up John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston.
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