Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals (4 page)
Read Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals Online
Authors: Jeffery Self
Usually prefers migration to European cities where ridiculous fashion is socially acceptable and cigarettes are still considered chic instead of, y’know . . . cancerous.
ABITAT
This Heterosexual’s habitat is usually rather modest, as most of her income goes into the aforementioned shoes and overpriced drinks served in chilled martini glasses. However, her sense of style makes up for her meager surroundings, and she can usually turn any old New York City walk-up apartment into something right out of your local Anthropologie window display. Likely because she usually works at your local Anthropologie.
URN
-O
NS
Men with a sense of style; men with vacation homes; men who in any way could resemble Mr. Big; being compared to anyone from any French film ever; being mistaken for being French; pretending she knows how to read French when at a French restaurant; any sort of modern art museum that serves wine; getting asked directions by tourists and giving them, even if she has absolutely no idea what she’s talking about.
The Top 10 Things You Should Know about the Single Wannabe Carrie Bradshaw Female
1.
She ate tasteless pasta for an entire month to be able to afford the shoes she’s wearing; please compliment them.
2.
She will never get onboard with Sloane Crosley, but will never suggest it is because she’s jealous.
3.
She actively avoids the term
old maid
or the card game of the same name.
4.
When reacting to a friend’s engagement, her enthusiasm is always fake, but she never acknowledges that.
5.
She
loves
romantic comedies.
6.
She
hates
romantic comedies.
7.
Drunk texting is often a preferred method of correspondence. Such texts could include one to an ex-boyfriend: “I still can’t believe your audacity,” or to a female friend: “You’re my gurl, Casey.”
8.
Never ask about her sister with the house in East Hampton, the CEO husband, and that amazing job in publishing. She’d rather not go there.
9.
She secretly wishes it were actually President
Michelle
Obama.
10.
Never, ever, ever even suggest that Sarah Jessica Parker and Carrie Bradshaw aren’t the same person.
URN
-O
FFS
Sports bars; khaki pants; the subway; reality television that isn’t on Bravo; New Jersey; carbs.
T
OPOGRAPHY
Metrosexuals are an enigma of the species. On the surface, they’re groomed, dressed, and displayed in a way that leads some to believe they’re Homosexuals, but underneath the Kiehl’s moisturizer, 2(x)ist underwear, and basic black Marc Jacobs polo is a very attractive and pleasantly scented Heterosexual.
&
A
Q.
Do people ever assume you’re gay?
A.
Of course. Every day.
Q.
Are you OK with that?
A.
I don’t really see the comparison. Hey, I just made a goat cheese–and–fennel quiche. Would you like a bite?
OW TO
S
POT
Look for glamorous metropolitan male fashion (a lot of fitted shirts and pants with labels written in Italian), tailored suits that
show off his toned body, as well as hair products that smell like Carson Kressley’s house on Fire Island.
ACKGROUND
Metrosexuals come from all walks of life. They could be raised in the city, the country, or suburbia. The only requirement is that they get the hell out of wherever it is they’re from, migrate to a major metropolitan area, and buy all the DKNY they can possibly afford.
HILOSOPHY AND
B
ELIEFS
Jon Hamm = God.
ISPOSITION
Metrosexuals carry themselves with an air of mystery. They know better than anyone that a brooding, serious demeanor goes really well with their charcoal Diesel mock turtleneck sweater that hasn’t even come out in stores yet.
VERSIONS
Baggy pants; body odor; Supercuts; Panda Express.
IGRATION
P
ATTERN
Metrosexuals love migrating to other big cities and can also enjoy sleepy New England towns, as long as they’ve brought a copy of anything by Fitzgerald and there’s a bed-and-breakfast that’s been profiled in the
New York Times
travel section for having a varied selection of aged bourbons.
Think you’ve spotted a Metrosexual? Here are some helpful questions to ask him.
A Metrosexual would never wear boxers because he favors fitted pants and, to a Metrosexual, the only thing worse than scrunched-up boxer shorts in a pair of fitted slacks is when his DVR doesn’t record
Top Chef
.
Any Metrosexual will be able to answer this. Period. End of story.
Anything less than two and he’s disqualified. Anything less than one and he’s a wild animal.
Anything less than four and he’s disqualified. Bonus points if the Metrosexual can tell you what a paraffin dip is!
All Metrosexuals manscape. A Metrosexual thinks of back hair the same way I think of Debra Messing in dramatic roles. I know that a few exist, but that doesn’t mean I ever have to see them.
ABITAT
Metrosexuals keep their homes spotless and orderly. If you enter a Metrosexual’s den that is unkempt or dirty, you have walked into a crime scene, and you should immediately leave and call the police.
URN
-O
NS
Girls with a distinctive fashion sense (Metrosexuals want their relationships to look like a photo spread in
Details
magazine); speakeasies; women who let them pick out the wine; cigars; modern art (even if they don’t get it);
Mad Men
; anything made out of alligator skin; Victoria Beckham.
URN
-O
FFS
Applebee’s, country music, the state of Florida.
T
OPOGRAPHY
Two Heterosexuals, a male and female, who are married. These Heterosexual pairs are usually distinguished by rings on their left ring finger, patience in dealing with others, visible frustration, and the constant use of
we
.
Recently, I sat down with a Heterosexual Married Couple named Frank and Alice who have been together for twenty years.
Me:
Hi, Frank. Hi, Alice. Thanks for sitting down with me.
Frank:
I’m happy to do it.
Alice:
I
am, too, Frank.
Frank:
I know that, Alice. I was speaking for both of us.
Alice:
Well, I’m perfectly capable of speaking for myself, thank you very much.
Frank:
I know that, Alice.
Alice:
And you didn’t even mention me. You said, “
I’m
happy to do it.” Not “
we
.”
Frank:
The
we
was implied.
Alice:
Then you should have said
we
.
Frank:
And if you could speak for yourself then I shouldn’t be the one to have to speak for you.
Alice:
I was going to speak if you would just shut the fuck up for five seconds!
Me:
So, what would you say is the hardest part of marriage?
Frank and Alice:
Communication.
*
OW TO
S
POT
The Heterosexual Married Couple varies in appearance. Newly married couples maintain healthy, attractive appearances; however, once the marriage has reached roughly the 10-year mark, the couple’s devotion to their appearance becomes less and less of a
priority, eventually resulting in the wearing of sweatpants and the nightly television viewing of whatever is playing on TLC, which, let’s be honest, is probably something about conjoined twins.
ACKGROUND
While background is not a major factor in the life of a Heterosexual Married Couple, their upbringing can sometimes come into play when they’re fighting. Key phrases, such as “You sound just like your father” and “You’re turning into your mother” can end a disagreement between a Married Couple faster than whatever began it, which, it should be noted, is
always
the Heterosexual Male’s fault.
HILOSOPHY AND
B
ELIEFS
Many Married Couples include two people with extremely different views and beliefs. It took my own mother something like 15 years to tell my father that she was a closet Democrat and that she hates baby back ribs (two things that, as a rule, go hand in hand).
ISPOSITION
Married Couples can go from happy to not happy in a matter of seconds. A couple might be having a great day, but then the male might say something stupid about Claudia, the female’s best friend, and all hell breaks loose. Married Couples must be able to say, “I’m sorry. I’m stupid. I was wrong. You’re nothing like Satan, and neither is Claudia.”
VERSIONS
Infidelity. The biggest threat to a Married Couple is that woman who works in the man’s office, who is always wearing those low-cut blouses that are three sizes too small and who smells like cigarettes mixed with Bath & Body Works, or that guy who works with the woman and who looks like a sexy Woody Harrelson and is always suggesting they go jogging together. These types of Heterosexuals are called home wreckers or Angelina Jolie.
*
IGRATION
P
ATTERN
Married Couples love to travel, mainly because when you live with someone 24/7, you run out of things to talk about, so migration offers conversation starters like, “Hey! Look at that fountain!” and “I like the Chinese food at the mall back home
a lot
better than all this crap in Asia.”
ABITAT
A Married Couple’s habitat brings characteristics of the two Heterosexuals into one place. Usually the female’s taste prevails over
the male’s, and his golf trophy from eight years ago is forced into a room called the Man Cave.
*
URN
-O
NS
When he does the dishes and she pretends to enjoy
The Expendables 2
.
URN
-O
FFS
When their DVR forgets to record whatever Bravo reality show they’re most into—usually
Top Chef
.
T
OPOGRAPHY
A Hipster is a Heterosexual Male or Female who rebels against popular culture and favors styles, tastes, and interests that are of the utmost hipness.
Q.
Are you a Hipster?
A.
No. I’m an individual. One of a kind.
