Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals (5 page)

Q.
Where did you get your shirt?

A.
Urban Outfitters. Why?

Hipsters have one of the most distinctive looks among Heterosexuals. Hipsters favor skinny jeans, vintage shirts, colorful sneakers, thick-rimmed glasses, boots, “ironic” facial hair, and an attitude that says, “I don’t care how bad I smell. Wanna read my zine?” If you’re walking down the street and you see someone who looks like he’s in a 1980s workout video; looks homeless but has an iPhone; or looks like he’s stepped out of colonial times, you’ve most likely spotted a Hipster. If it’s the latter, you might have just spotted an Amish person, in which case I have no suggestions on how to approach him, as my knowledge of Amish culture is limited to
For Richer or Poorer
, starring Tim Allen and Kirstie Alley.

Hipsters often come from very wealthy backgrounds, but have chosen old clothes, dirty hair, and musky body odor as their ultimate form of rebellion against their type-A parents. Or they’re European.

Hipsters
love
having a cause. Causes include gay marriage; the environment; Darfur; AIDS; hungry children; the homeless; the war; or Arcade Fire going too mainstream. Hipsters are also extremely vocal against gentrification in the areas where they are responsible for said gentrification.

A too-cool-for-school vibe, but they’d never use that term, or even the word
cool
, because they’re too cool even for that.

Anything embraced by the masses, including
American Idol, The Bachelor
, Katy Perry, Russell Brand after he married Katy Perry, anything on CBS.

Hipsters love migrating to cities such as Portland, Seattle, and Austin. Also, anywhere with a used record store and a coffee shop run by people who don’t make eye contact with you.

Hipsters usually live in ghettoized areas that cater to their Hipster way of life. In these habitats, you will find boutiques selling clothes made of organic cotton; lots of kale; gift shops that sell nothing but handmade soap; bars that serve Pabst Blue Ribbon; and a population where 40 percent of both the men and women look just like Michael Cera.

Food trucks; gelato; espresso; old-fashioned soda made with cane sugar; not having cable; talking about not having cable; knit caps; vests; naming their wireless networks after characters from
Twin Peaks
; claiming they were one of the first people to join Instagram; plaid; girls who look like Natalie Portman in
V for Vendetta
; boys who look like Daniel Day-Lewis in pretty much anything; paisley prints; irony.

Bank of America; acting like their parents; shopping malls; Julia Roberts movies; processed food; children; the book
Tuesdays with Morrie
; country music; and saying, “cool beans.”

The term
Frat Boy
refers to men belonging to a fraternity, a college-based social group that works as a social members-only club, and puts young men in one house full of beer and unacknowledged homoerotic tension. Fraternities have all sorts of secret rules and activities, and one cannot simply join, but must earn admittance through humiliating activities that include anything from streaking across campus to getting paddled on the butt with a big wooden stick. Again, it’s worth stressing that this is a
Heterosexual
activity. The Frat Boy is a male who is either
currently in one of these fraternities or is an alum of a fraternity who hasn’t been able to get over his glory days or get a job.

Frat Boys favor comfort over style: hats worn backward; expensive watches; boxer shorts with Homer Simpson’s face printed on the butt; baggy pants; and T-shirts from places like American Eagle and Hollister. Nine times out of 10, a Frat Boy is wearing at least one article of clothing with a team number printed on it for absolutely no reason whatsoever. In some cases, Frat Boys who are no longer in college and are forced to join the real world will throw on a suit and tie for the daily grind. But you’d better believe that the Green Bay Packers T-shirt he wore all weekend without washing is getting a third act the minute he gets home.

A Frat Boy can come from anywhere, but once he joins a fraternity, it will completely change his life for better and worse. The better being making lifelong friends, and the worse being liver failure and flunking out of Notre Dame all before his second semester of sophomore year.

Beer.

Unbearably “fun.”

Smart cars; anything considered “cute.”

See Spring Break (
page 142
).

Enter at your own risk. You know how when you leave dirty socks in your backpack for a few days, and then suddenly it’s the weekend and you’re like, “I’ll wait until Monday to bring in my bag,” and then Monday comes and your car smells like Mickey Rourke after a jog through the desert? That’s how a Frat Boy’s habitat will most likely smell.

Naked women; keg stands;
*
beer; TV shows about monster trucks; epic Saturday nights; nicknaming one’s penis something like the General or Captain Corona; porn; movies in which cars
explode; movies in which entire cities explode; movies in which people explode; and did I already mention beer?

Sushi; documentaries;
The New Yorker;
wearing a shirt; blogs about performance art; this book.

Many Heterosexuals are outspoken supporters of liberal causes and politics. Generally, these Heterosexuals are savvy urbanites who have donated at least $50 to National Public Radio within the past six months and carry around a
Fresh Air with Terry Gross
tote bag to prove it.

Outspoken Liberal Heterosexuals usually look just like everyone else, except maybe slightly more stylish, considering their frequent exposure to gay friends.

The greatest thing about being an Outspoken Liberal is that you can be from anywhere you want to be. However, those from Georgia or Louisiana should be prepared for skepticism.

Basically anything that Rush Limbaugh would consider “un-American.”

Good listeners, or at least they’re good at positioning their very trendy glasses on the tip of the nose and making an expression that looks like they’re listening.

Close-mindedness; inequality; Jeff Foxworthy.

Open-minded places, such as Vermont, San Francisco, and the literary theory section at Barnes & Noble.

Aesthetically pleasing and unique spaces, including lofts, old buildings converted into houses, and homes with colorful histories and enlightening stories the Outspoken Liberal can share at dinner parties (i.e., “You know, this was Buster Keaton’s house for like two months before he drank himself to death”).

Activism; singer-songwriters; film festivals; feminist poetry; pictures of Michelle Obama gardening; Internet-based comedians; Dylan Thomas quotes as Facebook statuses; dogs named after any character in
To Kill a Mockingbird
; NBC Thursday night comedies; Showtime; iPads; iPhones; iTV; iMac; iCed coffee (see what I did there?); and Aaron Sorkin.