Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals (6 page)

Anyone with the name
Bush
(and that includes the beans); country clubs; racism; jokes about fat people (unless they’re Republican congressmen, then bombs away); deep-fried anything; PC computers; Westboro Baptist Church; corn dogs.

The Outspoken Conservative Heterosexual is a male or female who is basically the opposite of the Outspoken Liberal. He/she leans to the right on political and social issues. These Heterosexuals put “traditional values” before all else, and yet they still find Bristol Palin endearing.

The Outspoken Conservative comes in many different shapes, sizes, and colors. However, the majority are Caucasian people who love anything with an American flag printed on it.

Outspoken Conservatives are usually raised by other Outspoken
Conservatives, and often come from places where people wear hats sized by the gallon.

A deep love for “traditional American values” and ground beef.

Vitriolic patriotic chic.

People named José; Kathy Griffin; anyone who has ever been a judge on
Project Runway
; the “liberal media”; JCPenney; the word
choreography
; mosques; men who refer to Dame Judi Dench as “my diva”; the phrase
Happy Holidays
.

The nearest Cracker Barrel.
*

Outspoken Conservative Heterosexuals can be found all over; however, many have chosen states such as Alabama, Georgia, Florida, and Tennessee to call home. Most flock to areas surrounding the Heterosexual shopping mecca known as Walmart.

Domestic beer; photos of women holding guns; Bill O’Reilly; organizing protests against effeminate cartoon characters; beauty pageants; buying in bulk; supporting their country; when people thank Jesus after winning an Oscar or the Super Bowl or a Golden Globe; any chance they can remind you how much they support the troops.

The West Coast; hippies; Jane Fonda; gay marriage; holistic medicine; the Tony Awards; single-parent homes; tarot cards; food they cannot pronounce; me.

This Heterosexual Female surrounds herself with gay men. Why? Because she likes to have a good time. She is usually single, employed, and eager to do anything her gay best friend Chad says. Through Chad, she will discover Cher’s early cover songs, how to infuse her own tequila, and why it’s not OK to wear flip-flops in a gay bar (or anywhere for that matter).

She dresses a little flashy, in an attempt to compete with the gay men she is surrounded by. She can be found sporting bold colors, excessive makeup, and sometimes even sequins on a Monday. If she knows one thing, it’s that you’ve got to get up extremely early to outdress a drag queen.

Her parents are still married; that’s why her standards have remained so high when dating. She worries that she’ll never find a love as strong as her own parents’, so until that day comes, she’ll be watching early Diane Keaton movies with Chad every night. (By the way, am I the only person who’s dying to be friends with Chad? He sounds great.)

The perfect friend and the perfect person to sing “Summer Lovin’” from
Grease
with at karaoke.

When she gets drunk, her mood changes from a fun, bubbly time to the biggest headache in Chad’s life. It will become Chad’s responsibility to drag her out of the bar, kicking and screaming, and force her into a cab, in which she will most likely vomit before asking Chad, through heavy tears, if he thinks he will ever sleep with her, even just once.

Other females who threaten her relationship with Chad.

Wherever Chad brings her.

You guessed it. With Chad.

Shirtless photos of Matt Bomer, calling herself Chad’s “Grace,” an eclectic taste in music, being compared to Scarlett Johannson, and Chad.

Chad’s new boyfriend, Jake.

There are also numerous other smaller groups within the Heterosexual community, including the following:

Thanks in part to quirky celebrities like Zooey Deschanel, Heterosexuals have coined the term
adorkable
. I know what you’re thinking: what an obnoxious word. And you know what? You’re absolutely, 100 percent right. However, this spotter’s guide wouldn’t be complete without mentioning this adorably nerdy girl who decks herself out in clothes her mom wore in high school, the girl who can play ’90s Nickelodeon theme songs on her ukulele, and the girl who carries a Hello Kitty lunch box for a purse.

This Heterosexual Female is 50-something, and, thanks in part to extremely vocal celebrities like Jamie Lee Curtis, has vowed to be fabulous in her middle age. Furthermore, this Heterosexual Female makes it her mission to let literally everyone know about this by constantly shouting, “I’m 50 and fabulous!” any time she’s had even half a glass of chardonnay.