Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals (24 page)
Read Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals Online
Authors: Jeffery Self
Fifty Shades of Grey
?
This is a trilogy chronicling an S&M relationship between two Heterosexuals that was originally written as fan fiction for another literary Heterosexual staple known as the
Twilight
series, which profiles a group of teenage vampires and werewolves who have a lot of sex for people their age.
Fifty Shades of Grey
takes readers on one woman’s journey into sexual exploration, opening up Heterosexuals’ eyes to the kind of shocking sexual adventure that Madonna calls “a Tuesday.”
Fifty Shades of Grey
So Popular Among Heterosexual Females?
The short answer is because it is something sexy to think about, but the long answer is much more complicated and would require me to tie you up and whip you, neither of which I’m prepared to do at this time. Sorry! I’ve got a mani/pedi appointment at two.
Of course, Heterosexuals read other novels besides
Fifty Shades of Grey
, just not in recent history. One thing that never changes, though, is the Heterosexual’s passion for magazines. Heterosexuals love magazines, and a lot can be learned about the Heterosexual culture from the ones they read.
Second to Hugh Hefner himself,
Playboy
is one of America’s oldest and creepiest institutions.
Playboy
, without the boobs and franchise of hit reality television shows that I watch pretty much anytime I’m at home and awake.
No one likes to know where Kristen Stewart buys her smoothies more than Heterosexuals. Jamba Juice, by the way.
Unlike myself, Heterosexual Males actually use these 200 pages of gorgeous male bodies for . . . fitness.
Two words: Oprah Winfrey.
Geared toward metropolitan Heterosexuals who read this while drinking delicious, overpriced espressos and looking down on the Midwest.
Mom porn.
Two hundred pages on the perfect summer top.
This barely makes the list, as it is technically a magazine geared toward Metrosexuals, however, spend more than a minute with it, and you’ll realize it’s literally the gayest magazine since Neil Patrick Harris’s monthly newsletter.
*
Where the Heterosexual goes to find out just how fucked up our world is on a week-to-week basis.
To be perfectly honest, I have never even touched a copy of
Sports Illustrated
, but I assume it’s about sports and possibly illustrations.
A platform for famous Heterosexual singers to make such regrettable statements as John Mayer’s “I’d never have sex with a black woman.”
Where Heterosexual Hipsters find out what they’re supposed to be obsessed with this week.
Where readers can find a glowing review of this book that praises author Jeffery Self as the next Danielle Steel!
*
For Heterosexuals who enjoy gay people telling them what to do with their home.
This magazine is full of teen heartthrob photos and is most popular among teenage Heterosexual Females. However, I’m fairly certain the first time my family suspected I was gay was when all six copies of
Seventeen
with Leonardo DiCaprio cover stories went missing from my sister’s room and turned up hidden between my box spring and mattress.
The Top 10 Modern Heterosexuals You Should Know
1. Meryl Streep:
The most important Heterosexual of all time.
2. Meryl Streep’s mother:
The second most important Heterosexual of all time.
3. Oprah:
Duh.
4. Barack Obama:
He is the first African-American president, and he is also really good friends with Oprah! (See above.)
5. Sarah Palin:
She was almost elected vice president of the United States, but more importantly is the only woman to have been played on television by both Tina Fey
and
Julianne Moore.
6. Cap’n Crunch:
One of my personal favorite Heterosexuals.
7. Tom Cruise:
Yeah, I know.
8. The inventor of Nair:
Beloved by Heterosexual Females, as well as a very unique subset of Heterosexual Males, including both
Jersey Shore
’s The Situation and former California governor and all-around meathead Arnold Schwarzenegger.
9. Julia Roberts:
She is and always will be the Heterosexual’s Sweetheart.
10. Sandra Bullock:
She is and always will be the Heterosexual’s Other Sweetheart.
Many of the world’s most important people are Heterosexuals, but only a handful of Heterosexuals are the world’s most important people. Kind of trippy to think about, huh?
Those last two names are considered Heterosexual Royalty and are arguably the most important women in history. They are esteemed and beloved icons within the Heterosexual community and the closest thing America has to princesses. At some point in their lives, every Heterosexual must answer the very difficult question: “Am I a Julia Roberts kind of Heterosexual or a Sandra Bullock kind of Heterosexual?”
As a rule, most Heterosexuals just innately know but, for some, this is one of the hardest decisions a Heterosexual will ever have to make. I, myself, have grappled with this question for years and have recently come to the conclusion that while I love Sandra, my heart belongs to Julia. Unless, of course, Sandra Bullock is reading this book, in which case, Julia who?
Call me, Sandy!
You’re my gurl!
For Heterosexuals (or anyone else) who cannot decide, I’ve created this very easy-to-answer series of questions to help you or the Heterosexual in your life figure out this extremely pressing matter.
Julia or Sandra? The Great Question of Our Time
1. When you first saw
Pretty Woman
, you thought:
A.
Who is this woman? She isn’t all that pretty.
B.
This is the greatest romantic comedy I’ve ever seen.
C.
Maybe I want to be a prostitute.
If you answered B, you are Team Julia. If you answered A, you are an asshole. And if you answered C, you should really think twice before you go down that road.
2. When you watched the scene where Julia Roberts dies in
Steel Magnolias
, you:
A.
Thought about someone you’ve lost, but then started thinking about what you wanted for dinner.
B.
Didn’t cry.
C.
Threw yourself at the television and screamed, “Take me instead!!”
If you answered C, you are without a doubt a Julia Roberts fan. If you answered A or B, you are a heartless monster.
3. When did you first hear about Sandra Bullock?
A.
Speed
.
B.
While You Were Sleeping
.
C.
When she won an Oscar for that movie about the giant black teenager.
Pretty much any of these answers make you Team Sandra. However, if you answered C, you’re probably a racist. Just sayin’.
4. Your house is on fire, and you’ve already rescued all your valuables, sentimental items, and pets. You have one minute to run back in and grab one DVD off your shelf. Which do you choose?
A.
Runaway Bride
.
B.
The Proposal
.
C.
The Barbra Streisand remake of
A Star Is Born
.
If you answered A, you’re Team Julia. If you answered B, you’re Team Sandra. If you answered C, you’re a Homosexual.
5. Which breakup broke your heart more?
A.
When Sandra’s husband cheated on her with that woman covered in tattoos.
B.
Julia and Benjamin Bratt.
C.
Julia and Lyle Lovett.
This is pretty obvious. If you answered A, you’re Team Sandra. If you answered B, you’re Team Julia. If you answered C,
you’re out of your mind, because that was the weirdest relationship in the history of everything. Or you’re Lyle Lovett.
Knowing whether the Heterosexuals you’re dealing with are Team Julia or Team Sandra will help you better understand where they’re coming from in all areas, from the economy to how they feel about that scene where Julia Roberts wears a fat suit in
America’s Sweethearts
.
There are many fictional characters in pop culture that are thought to be Heterosexuals due to what we’ve been told by movies, books, our parents, and the liberal media. However, as with all potential Heterosexuals, their true orientation is always up for debate. Recognizing the Heterosexual and Non-Heterosexual traits in the fictional characters we all know and love can substantially strengthen your ability to spot the Heterosexuals in your own life. Also, pondering Cruella De Vil is just a nice way to spend any afternoon. Right, Glenn Close?
This woman sacrificed her ability to breathe underwater and wear nothing but seashells over her breasts—
all
for a man. If she’s not a Heterosexual, I don’t know who is.
If you’ve ever gone camping, you’ve probably pooped outside. Also, you’ve probably seen signs with photos of Smokey the Bear. We’re asked to believe that he’s a bear that somehow became a licensed forest ranger and can somehow always keep his hat on. If you can get past that (and you can if you try), you’ll see that Smokey the Bear has
a lot
of Heterosexual qualities. For one, he
loves
being outdoors, which is a very common trait among Heterosexual Males, and also, he
loves
not wearing a
shirt while he does it. Have you ever seen a Heterosexual Male wandering through the woods
and
keeping his shirt on? No. I didn’t think so. Smokey the Bear is as straight as an arrow; his counterpart, named Winnie, however, is a much different story.
Another bear, but much more delicate and sensitive. Winnie is not a Heterosexual, and I think that’s as obvious as his addiction to honey, which is a real problem, by the way. None of his friends are addressing it, and I’m not calling Piglet an enabler, but I’m not
not
calling him an enabler, either. Y’know?
This is a Heterosexual. How do I know? There is no gay male on planet Earth who would happily consume that many empty calories from a sugary drink without at the very least adding vodka.
This is a gay guy in drag if I’ve ever seen one, and believe me, I’ve seen one!
This Tolkien character isn’t a Heterosexual. How can I tell? He’s clinically obsessed with jewelry and has one of the thinnest bodies I’ve seen on a male since everyone was posting those nude photos of Daniel Radcliffe on my Facebook wall. Speaking of which, why did y’all stop doing that?
People have raised an eyebrow at this confirmed bachelor who’s been suspiciously single for as long as I can remember, but I can attest firsthand that he is indeed a Heterosexual. I’m not going into details on how I know this; just trust me, based solely on the fact that I haven’t been legally allowed into Disney World since 1992.
See how easy that is? Try it for yourself! Open up your favorite book, or turn on your favorite cartoon and hone your Heterosexual-Watching skills all from the comfort of your own home!
Ding-Dong! Who’s there? Oh! It’s another pop quiz!
