Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals (28 page)

   
You’ve seen
Knocked Up
, right?

   
How’s my dawg?!

   
I wasn’t sure about Lena Dunham, but then I was like, wow! she gets me.

   
Want a beer?

   
Yo, bro!

   
Sorry I’m late. Dealing with my mother-in-law.

Prepare to exit your comfort zone; you are now entering Heterosexual territory. To help you along, I’ve dramatized an assortment of possible conversations with Heterosexuals.

Non-Heterosexual:
Hello, Gary.

Heterosexual Male:
Hi, Richard. How are you?

Non-Heterosexual:
I’m well! I just got done watching the first season of
Ally McBeal
on Netflix streaming.

(The Heterosexual scratches his head and stands awkwardly, not saying anything. The Non-Heterosexual can either remain silent, run away, or offer one of the following changes of subject.)

“But you know who’s great? Gavin DeGraw.”

“Hey, did I tell you my sister-in-law is pregnant again?”

Or the always dependable: “Could you go for some wings?”