Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals (22 page)
Read Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals Online
Authors: Jeffery Self
6. Jerky is the state fruit of Alabama.
True
False
7. Paula Deen should run for president.
True
False
(Before you answer this one, think about how much fun those debates would be.)
8. I, Jeffery Self, find Heterosexual Herbivore Alicia Silverstone to be a bit much.
True
False
9.
Marley and Me
is a documentary about Bob Marley and Mimi Rogers.
True
False
10.
Kale is so “in” that Hipsters have started to resent it.
True
False
ANSWERS:
1. F; 2. F; 3. T; 4. F; 5. T; 6. F; 7. T; 8. T; 9. F; 10. T
*
Alicia Silverstone is a Heterosexual who was quite famous in the mid-1990s after starring in the successful comedy
Clueless
. She was
great
in this movie and went on to have a successful film career, but around the time that she started talking about natural childbirth on every talk show she went on, her career sort of peaked and now she mostly pops up at antifur fund-raisers and anywhere that supports public breast-feeding. By the way, why the hell haven’t they made a
Clueless 2
yet?! It is still not too late, Hollywood insiders!
*
A chili cook-off is a daylong cookout where numerous teams compete to prove that they have the best chili recipe there is. My dad and I used to go to the chili cook-off in my hometown together. A lot of people would camp out, but we neverdid, most likely because any time my dad mentioned camping, I assumed he meant my performing a Bette Davis impersonation. We’d always attend the competition and sample all the entries, leaving with historically bad gas and stomachs that still haven’t started feeling right again.
*
The All Hail Kale is an actual salad sold at Veggie Grill in Los Angeles—which is a fabulous place to spot famous Heterosexual Herbivores like Casey Affleck, Avril Lavigne, and Candice Bergen.
*
I listened to a podcast once where Rachael Ray admitted to drinking a bottle of wine all by herself every night and then “just running it off on the treadmill” the next morning before hosting her live television show. My kind of girl.
W
HILE ONLY A SELECT NUMBER OF
H
ETEROSEXUALS ENJOY THE
musical styling of country music singer Martina McBride,
all
Heterosexuals agree on many of the same things. For example,
all
Heterosexuals have seen the James Cameron movie
Titanic
, and if you ever come across a Heterosexual who claims he hasn’t, then he’s either lying or has suffered a serious case of amnesia, in which case, call 9-1-1 before it turns into a situation like the movie
Fifty First Dates
starring Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler, a movie about a guy who falls in love with a girl who has suffered amnesia, and every time they hang out he’s forced to make her fall in love with him all over again. If there’s one thing more exhausting than Drew Barrymore, it is Drew Barrymore playing someone who can’t remember anyone she knows, where she’s from, or how to open a can of SpaghettiOs.
