Stripping Asjiah I (15 page)

“Aww, you going to treat me like a regular customer huh?” Money stretched his arms out on the side of the bench and watched me work.
“That’s what you are, right?” We swapped shoes as I picked up the other one and began lacing it. “So what are you really in here for?”
“I told you, I was depressed so I came to shop, it’s therapy for me.” Money got up and walked towards the mirror. “Do you like these?”
“Yeah, I already have them.”

I loved his style. He must’ve known we had the shoe in his size because he came prepared to wear them. Dressed in a white Nautica shirt with black writing and black jeans, the Nike’s went perfect with his outfit.

“Cool, I’ll take em’.”
“You gotta date or something?”

“Yeah, you. I’m going to Cedar Point after graduation tomorrow and you should come with me.”
“$104.95.” I held my hand out and watched as he flipped through the stack of fifties in his wallet. “I can’t.”
“You can’t or you won’t because of CJ?”
11

“This has nothing to do with him. I just have someone I need to go see after graduation; maybe some other time.” I handed him the bag and tried not to laugh as I saw Tori making kissy faces behind his back.

“Ok. Well I’ll get up with you later.” Money turned around almost bumping into her.

“Hi Money.”
“What up Tori?”
Tori leaned against the counter as we watched him walk away. “He’s cute.”
“Yeah I know.”

Tori sipped her Starbucks and sat down on the floor behind the register. “So I got my letter back from Central today.”
“Did you get in?”

“Yes ma’ am. I start in September. I wish you would come with me but it’s cool because now I have an excuse to come to the Atl!” Tori snapped her fingers in excitement.

“When do you leave?”
“August. I can’t wait.”

ChApTER TWENTy

“You know it’s amazing that he made it through the surgery. I was certain that he wasn’t going to pull through.”

“I’ve never seen that much blood before. I didn’t think we would be able to patch him up.” The first- year med student tried to shake off the images of her first trauma as they waited for the elevator.

“Luckily we weren’t swamped that day and we were able to rush him to the OR. If he had stayed out there any longer he would’ve died.”
“Well, let’s see how our miracle patient is doing today.” The bells sounded as they arrived at their floor.

A light breeze greeted the ladies as they opened the door to the room. Silence replaced the sound of the heart rate monitor giving both of them an uneasy feeling.

“Turn on the light.”

Running her hand across the wall she was able to find the light switch and immediately she wished she hadn’t turned it on. They looked on in disbelief at the empty bed and the open window.

“Call security.”
*****
6/5/2000

“Graduation was depressing and I didn’t want to go. I kept looking out in the crowd hoping to see you or daddy sitting there, hoping all of this has just been one big nightmare but I was disillusioned again. I fought back tears as I watched the rest of the students smile and wave at their parents and I kept wondering if you could really see me from up there. I wish God granted special requests and allowed you to come back to earth for special events like this but I guess that only happens in the movies.

Angel was there along with CJ and his mother and she offered to take me to dinner afterwards but I didn’t want to go. Tori and Monica both had house parties but I knew I wouldn’t have enjoyed myself if I went. Both of their mom’s look at me as a daughter but it’s not the same. I know it sounds crazy but I didn’t want to impose on their time. It would’ve taken too much of my energy to be there and try to keep myself from breaking down. Money invited me to go to Cedar Point with him but I didn’t want to do that either. It seems a little backwards but there was nowhere else I wanted to be right now but right here with you.

Keyshia didn’t show up to the ceremony. I guess she had other things to do with her time. I haven’t talked to her since I witnessed her TV debut. I would say that she’s embarrassed but I know that’s not the case and she’s avoiding me. I don’t have the energy to fight with her anymore, if she wants to fuck everyone from East Tech, Max Hayes, South, Kennedy, and everywhere in between then that’s her business.

Your mother wasn’t in attendance either. Although our relationship is semi-cordial I’ve given up trying to make things right with her. I thought my graduating would trump her having foster kids but clearly I was mistaken. She told me that she couldn’t find a baby-sitter and that she would have to drag all of them down here with her. Blah, blah, blah, I’m over it.

I feel so alone, no one understands what I’m going through so I just place everything in a box and close it off in the dark corners of my mind. I got to spend eight years with you. That wasn’t enough time; we didn’t get to go shopping together, talk about my first date, buy my first bra or get our hair and nails done together.

It seems the older I get the more this affects me. The more I’ve realized all the little things that you are going to miss. Who will be

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there when I get married? Who will be there to give me away or walk me down the aisle? Who will be there to hold my hand when I have my first child?

I don’t think he realizes just how much he took away from us when he killed you. He couldn’t have thought about us. I wonder if he knew we were in the house. What if one of us would’ve walked outside, would he have killed us too, or would he have stopped? I wonder what prison is like. Is it true that the inmates target other prisoners who have committed sexual crimes against children or killed their wives? If it is then I guess daddy is in trouble. Do you think he’ll get raped?

I heard that he said it wasn’t premeditated and that he didn’t mean to do it. How can you not mean to kill someone? I killed Cash and I knew I was going to do it. I was anxious, excited, I couldn’t sleep the night before. I watched his eyes roll in the back of his head as he hit the dresser and this sense of calm washed over me as he lay on the floor. I think I was smiling.

Does that make me a monster? Should I be in a cell along with daddy for what I did? Or is there a special place that they put kids for committing crimes like mine? It makes me a little scared because I didn’t know I was capable of doing something like that. I fear myself cause at times I am filled with so much hate, so much pain, I’m afraid one day I’ll lose control and won’t be able to suppress it. Isn’t there a word that they use to describe someone who is able to put certain events out of their mind and act as if they never happened? I think the word is sociopath. Maybe Marie was right after all; maybe I am just like my father.

I leave to go to Atlanta in August. I’m excited that I got in but sad that you won’t be there with me. It seems that for every happy thing I experience there is a down side to it as well because of your absence. And it’s not only you, I miss daddy also. I miss our family. I wish I could convince Angel to come with me but I know he won’t. My biggest fear is losing him. I don’t know what I would do if something happened to him.

I’m still trying to talk CJ into coming with me but he says he has some loose ends to tie up. I’m getting really tired of people and their half ass excuses. I don’t understand what’s so hard about it. Get yo’ money, have Donte and Mike hold shit down here and leave. I’m sure it’s not that simple but he could at least put forth the effort. I would do it for him if it was the other way around but it’s clear that I’ve put more of myself in this relationship than he has.

Sure the gifts are nice, the trips that we take, but he fails to realize that I can take care of myself. I have a job, I have my own money, but I guess it makes him warm on the inside to think that he’s taking care of me. I just don’t want him to end up dead or in jail, I’ve been through enough of that already. He underestimates me; he thinks I’m some girly girl who needs her hand held. If I recall I’m the one that did all the work. All he did was have his cronies clean up the mess I made.

I could make just as much money if not more than what he’s getting out here. If I had Angel’s connect I could go to Atlanta and really shut shit down. If I did choose to get in the game I would probably sell weed, because theres too much time involved with that white, and I have other plans besides sitting in a cell.

As you can see my mind is some of everywhere and I know I’m supposed to be happy but it’s hard when I keep thinking of everything I’ve lost. This is supposed to be a beautiful day. I’m sorry for talking about all this negative stuff. Your baby girl has finally graduated. I know you’re in heaven smiling down on me. This is for you.”

I placed a copy of my diploma along with the lilies I bought on her headstone. The wind blew causing the tree branch to brush against me as I walked towards the car. “I love you too.
^”

ChApTER TWENTy-ONE

It’s been about two weeks since I started kicking it with Money. It wasn’t anything major, we were just friends. I hadn’t seen CJ since a few days after graduation, he said he had to run down to Cincinnati and I didn’t ask for what or why. I learned when dealing with a dope boy, the less you know about their activities the better.

“Here answer this for me momma.” I read the caller ID then handed the phone to Hope.
“Hi.” Breathing heavily into the phone Hope placed her hand on her hip and waited for a response. “Hi Muh-nee!”

“Can I talk to Asjiah?”
“A-ja?”
Shaking my head I told her to pretend I wasn’t here.

“A-ja not here. You bring me can-dee?” I couldn’t control myself as I watched her parade around my room demanding sweets.

“Give me the phone momma, hello?”
“You think that’s funny?”

“I’m sorry, but you should’ve seen her, it was so cute.” I picked Hope up and carried her back downstairs.
“Is that your daughter or something?”
“Whose daughter? When did you ever see me come to school pregnant? Does it look like I’ve had a kid?”
“No, but with them hips you can pop some of mine out if you want to.” “Oh, you trying to knock me up before I go to school huh? Is that your plan?” Laughing I opened the door and sat Hope down in the hallway. “Would it work?”
“No it wouldn’t work.” Laughing I went in the bathroom to wash my hands.

“So am I going to see you today?”
“Do you want to see me today?”

“Why do you always have to be so difficult? You know I do. I’ll be at your house in about twenty minutes.”
I didn’t have the chance to protest as the receiver went dead in my ear. Smiling I grabbed a Popsicle out the freezer and handed it to Hope. “You’re such a pretty girl momma, go look at yourself in the mirror.” “Her hair looks nice, you did a good job.” Looking over her glasses Marie acknowledged my work.
“Thanks.”
“You know I’ve only tried to do what’s best for you Asjiah. Make sure that your head stayed in your books instead of in one of these boys laps.”

“Wow. You know a simple I’m proud of you would work. Congratulations on making it this far or something like that. Instead you pretty much tell me that all you wanted was for me not to suck somebody’s dick. Thanks.”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Then how did you mean it because for some odd reason you think I’m out here hoeing or something and I don’t know where you get that from. I’m a good kid. All I wanted was for you to love me and you act like it kills you to even be near me.”

Marie stared back at me speechless. The silence between us was broken by the sound of the phone.
“Hello?”

“This call is originating from a California State Federal Prison; you have a collect call from: “Sean.” “Press one to deny the call, press five to accept the call.”

My heart stopped as his name replayed over and over in my head. I couldn’t

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recall the last time I heard him speak, hearing his voice sent chills down my spine.
“Press one to deny the call, press five to accept the call”
The automated voice repeated itself giving me the option to terminate or accept my father’s call.
“Who is that?”
Marie’s voice made me jump as I disconnected the call and put the receiver back on its base. “Nobody.”
*****

I stared out the window in my room trying hard to get his voice outta my head. “You have a collect call from: Sean” A part of me wanted to revert back to the little girl that used to make him crack open sunflower seeds for her or put together her Christmas gifts. I wanted to tell him how much I missed him but the other part of me was filled with hate. How many other times had he called here?

Even if I did want to talk to him, Marie wouldn’t let me. She had it in for my father since day one. She couldn’t understand what this light-eyed smooth talking white boy could possibly want with a black girl. She said he had the devil in him; that he couldn’t be trusted, but my mother didn’t see it like that. She fell head over heels for his Sicilian charm and after they graduated from college there was no question that she would follow him around the world and that’s exactly what she did.