Stronger than You Know (13 page)

He clasps his hands together. “I don't want you to be mad at your aunt. She was trying to help.”

“Well … I wasn't ready to say anything. She took that away from me.” I tighten the towel around my legs for something to do.

“Well, I'm glad she did. I mean, I'm not glad because of you, but I'm glad that I know, because I thought I'd completely blown my chance with you.” His body leans toward me so slightly that I'm not sure he moved at all.

“I don't know how to explain what living with my mom was like, and I don't think I'm ready to. Not yet. But it's awkward for me … I mean, I have a hard time with men … being around them and stuff.” My heart races, but I'm determined to continue. “And me having a hard time with that … has to do with my mom not, um, not protecting me from them … at certain times.” I can't
believe
I got that out.

“I'm sorr—”

But I silence him by holding up my hand, and I actually smile.

“I'm not really a man.” The teasing that I love is in his voice again. “I mean, I'm barely seventeen. I'm only a junior in high school. And I'm not a big guy. So I don't think I fall into that category.”

His smirk eases some of the tension, but I can't find any more words right now.

“This is hard, 'cause I don't want to scare you away,” Justin says, “but I want you to know how I feel.” He pauses, sliding his fingers over his watch strap. “I don't like any other girls. And since there are no other girls I really want to hang out with, I'd like to hang out with you.”

The words float between us as I fight to find something to say. “But what if I can't … I mean, what if we start, and then I freak out, or I still don't work right, or …” There are a million ways I could screw this up. I rest my chin in my hands and stare at my feet, determined to find the strength I just felt with Daisy.

Justin crosses his legs and he leans back. “I like being around you. In silence, in non-silence, whatever. If you get sick of me, let me know so I can back off. But I wanna stick around.”

“But …”

“Joy, maybe you don't like me the way I think you do, or maybe you don't want to hang out with anyone.” He scoots closer. “I'm just looking for a friend, that might—”

“A friend that might lead to more.” I rest my cheek on my hand so I can see him to try to read his face so I know what he's thinking.

“But only when you make the move.”

“Oh, so really, this is just a ploy to make sure that I don't run away from you again. And that I'll have to be the one to put myself out there to move forward?” I smirk.

“Is Joy teasing me?” He chuckles.

“A little.” I'm lighter. Just with our conversation. With giving him some of my history.

“Well, you're right. But I'm putting myself pretty far out there too. The thought of making you uncomfortable … that just sucks. So, yeah. You tell me when you want to hold my hand or when you want to
kiss
me …” He smirks. “Because eventually you'll want to kiss me.”

“Well, don't you two look cozy.” Daisy plops herself next to me in an oversized set of sweats. She slides her arm through mine and rests her head on my shoulder. “Most people don't get me, Joy. But you do.”

“I don't get you at all.” I rest my head on hers.

“Justin's a nice guy. He's been a good friend of mine for a long time. He was my first kiss.”

I suddenly feel like I'm in the middle of two people I shouldn't be in the middle of. Were Justin and Daisy together? But they're not now, so why does their possible history make me feel like I don't want to be here anymore?

“That's great, Daisy,” Justin says. “Way to add some awkward into the convo. How much have you had to drink tonight?” he asks.

“Just a couple of shots. That's all.” She makes a face.

“Just enough to drag Joy into the lake.” He leans forward to look at Daisy.

“She ran with me, Romeo.” Daisy's eyes widen.

“My uncle's here.” I stand up. “I gotta go.” I don't look back. Just walk toward Uncle Rob's car.

“Wait, Joy, I think you …” Justin starts.

“'Night, Justin.” I wave at him. “Thanks for the swim, Daisy.”

I open the car door.

“Can I call you later?” Justin asks.

“It's late. I'll see you tomorrow.” But I don't look at him, and I'm not even sure why. I'm just … It's all suddenly confusing—just when I got my feelings straightened out.

“You're wet.” Uncle Rob stares as I climb in the car.

“Oh, your car. I'm so sorry.” I try to pull myself off the seat, but there's nowhere to go.

“I'm not worried about the car, Joy. How did you get wet?”

I smile wide. “I ran off Daisy's dock. It was amazing.” The exhilaration of flying through the air and hitting the cold wall of water hits me again. I'm brave.

Uncle Rob's jaw drops. “I … Do you know how to swim?”

“Nope. And I jumped anyway.” It feels huge.

“I'm not sure what to say.” But there's a smile tugging on the corners of his mouth. He's proud of me, which feels almost as good as the jump. “Where are Tara and Trent?” he asks.

“No idea.”

He lays on the horn just as they run around the corner of the house.

Tara climbs in the back without a word. Trent waves to Uncle Rob, points toward the road, and starts walking up the driveway.

Justin is still standing there, watching me through the window. I wave, and he waves back. A perfect, simple gesture to end our evening.

Uncle Rob starts to back out of the driveway and rolls down his window. “Get in the car, Trent.”

“
Joy
.” Trent widens his eyes at me. “Doesn't like the smell of beer.”

“You were
drinking
?” Uncle Rob's driving slowly and Trent's walking alongside the car.

“One beer, Dad. It's not a big deal.” Trent shrugs as he walks.

“It is to me. We'll talk later.” Uncle Rob rolls his window back up. I've never heard his voice that tense.

I rub my hands up and down on my wet shorts, hoping for some warmth.

“Did you have fun, Tara?” Uncle Rob asks.

“I guess.” But Tara's whisper barely carries from the backseat.

“Wait.” Uncle Rob's eyes scan me again. “Where did you get the dry shirt?”

Oh. Right. The story might sound weird. “It's Justin's, but he had a shirt on under this shirt, and I changed somewhere private. It's not … I mean, it's no big deal.” I shake my head.

“I didn't know you'd invited Justin.”

“I didn't. He and Daisy are friends.” The weirdness of Justin and Daisy pricks at me again.

“And what are you and Justin? Or should I not ask that?” His hands grip the steering wheel a little more tightly.

“We're … It's all really confusing,” I admit.

He chuckles. “Well, relationships being confusing is something that won't change for a while.”

“Oh.” That's not very comforting.

“I just wanted to make the point that some things are complicated for everybody.”

“Thanks.” I breathe in the smell of Justin's shirt again. It smells like a citrus-scented laundry detergent and something else that's all him. I suddenly wish I'd told him to call tonight.

TWENTY-FIVE

Straightening the confusion? Or making it worse?

I leave the house alone the day after my first Daisy party, still a little high from the feeling of jumping off her dock.

Tara rode with Trent, which is weird because he just started dating a different girl, and I know she's tired of him being with so many people. But I spot Justin at the end of the driveway and suddenly I'm glad Tara rode with her brother.

“Hey there,” Justin says as soon as I reach him.

“Hey,” I squeak, still feeling a bit raw and exposed after telling him what I did last night.

“I want to talk, Joy.” His voice is low, making him sound more serious than I'm used to.

We slow down until I'm barely shuffling.

“I'm glad I got to see you last night,” he says.

“At Daisy's,” I say stupidly.

He shrugs. “I used to party with that group a lot. All last year. I don't anymore. Not often. A week night seemed like a good night to touch base with all those friends again.”

“Why not anymore?” I ask.

“It just stopped being fun. That's all.”

“And you and Daisy.” I watch our feet for a few steps. “I didn't know …”

“Daisy and I are
just
friends, and only sort-of friends. I mean, she's a cool girl, I've known her forever, but she has the attention span of a hamster.”

I laugh. “What does that mean?”

“It means she's nice, but hard for me to be around. I may be ADD, but I don't hold a candle to her. It's just … the way she said things last night. I thought you might have gotten the wrong idea.” His hands are in his pockets, and he slants his body toward mine as he speaks, making me feel like he might want to be closer still.

“I'm not upset or anything. I mean, we're not …” Why can't I just tell him I like him, but that he shouldn't feel trapped with me because I don't know how to be with someone the way he wants to be?

“I thought we were past you not understanding how I feel about you.” His voice is almost a whisper, and I feel like I've hurt his feelings. “I like you. You're the girl I want to hang out with, and if it leads to more that would be great. If it doesn't … This is still where I want to be.”

My heart thumps harder with his honesty. This can be like jumping in the lake. Maybe being around him will be less scary if I take control. Isn't that what we decided last night anyway?

I let out a breath and reach my hand to take his. His fingers are warm and the closeness of him feels … My knees go weak it's so good.

I can hold his hand. I can let go. Things can happen when
I
want them to because he's okay with that.

“You're smiling,” he says, giving my hand a squeeze.

I should be able to look at him now. I pull my head up and our eyes meet. “Yep.”

“Thanks, Joy”—he bumps his shoulder against mine—“for giving us a chance.”

“Thanks,
Justin
,” I tease. I don't want to be treated differently. Well, I guess I do, but I don't want it to
feel
like I'm treated differently.

“Can we get together later?” he asks.

“I have kung fu.” With how Justin and I are moving forward and how I'm barely back in good with my family after disappearing, I need kung fu right now.

“So, you're the smart girl, which is hot. And now you're the kung fu girl, which is also hot.”

My cheeks heat up.

“That's kind of awesome. Would it be weird if I stopped by?”

“It's sort of the thing I do with my dad—I mean, with Uncle Rob and Trent.”

“Okay.” His voice is all relaxed.

He seems totally okay with me saying no. I can do that. I can say no, and we'll still be fine.

“If you want to call him Dad, why don't you?” I love how Justin just puts everything out there.

“He's not …” I stammer. “I mean, they're not my parents. They already have two kids and …”

“And?” He pauses to stare at me. “I bet they'd love it.”

“Maybe.” My heart fills to bursting at the thought.

“Thanks for letting me walk with you,” he says as we start across the school parking lot.

“I can't believe how good you are at this.”

“This what?”

“Just …” I squeeze his hand. “This. You know. Talking.”

“Oh.” He kicks a stray rock under a car. “Dad insisted we all go to counseling when Mom wanted to leave. And then more after she left. He was worried, that's all. Once you get in that habit of keeping things in the open, it sticks with you.”

“I didn't know your mom left. I'm sorry.” Feeling bad for him because his mom left is so foreign. I spent nights praying my mom would leave. Guess his mom didn't want him either, just in a different way. A way that let him go, instead of keeping him trapped.

I'm honestly not sure which is worse.

Trent has a girl backed against the lockers. He's touching the side of her face and she's eating it up, but the look on his face is one I recognize, and it isn't one she should be happy about.

I'm glad I didn't see him like this when I first moved in. He would have scared me even more.

“Trent?” I call out, but I know I might be too quiet even though the halls are practically empty.

His shoulders slump before he looks my way. “What?” His voice is impatient, annoyed.

“I'm walking home, and Tara has a ride.” I have to clear my throat to continue. “I just wanted to let you know.”

“Fine.” He eyes leave mine and go back to the girl in front of him. He whispers, but I can still hear. “Looks like I have the car to myself. Want a ride home?”

She giggles as he puts his arm around her waist.

I turn and walk away, wishing I knew him better so that I could talk to him about the possessive way he looks and holds the girls he's with. But really, what would I say?

Tara and I sit on the floor of my room with our after-school snack. Aunt Nicole bought Oreos, and we've taken the whole bag. I'd never had an Oreo before but now they're my favorite.

“So how are things with you and Justin?” She stares at the cookie in her hand.

I frantically chew and swallow another bite so I can answer. “I don't know. I think good. I like being around him.” My face turns hot at the thought.

“And what about …” I hear her suck in a deep breath. “Brandon?”

“I don't like Brandon. You like Brandon.” He's not even on my radar except that I know Tara likes him. I grab another cookie and stuff the whole thing in my mouth—it's the easiest way to make sure I get the right amount of all the parts.

“It doesn't matter.” She nibbles her Oreo as if she's only allowed to eat one and is trying to make it last forever.

I chomp a few more times before I'm able to answer. “Well, it
does
matter. If he doesn't like you, then you should like someone else.”

She laughs. “Just like that, huh?”

“Wouldn't it be easier?” I ask.

“I love you, Joy.” She puts her arms around me. “Of course it would be easier, but things don't always work the easy way. You should know that.”

A subtle weight rests on my shoulders. I do know that.

“Another cookie?” She holds one out to me.

“Definitely.”

I guess even though Brandon maybe likes me, Tara and I are okay.