Stuff White People Like (20 page)

91 San Francisco

San Francisco is one of the top U.S. destinations for white people in terms of both travel and living. It is universally agreeable and is a safe discussion topic for any situation.

White people like to vacation in San Francisco because it has beautiful architecture and fantastic food and it is near the water. They like to live in San Francisco because of its abundance of nonprofit organizations, expensive sandwiches, and wine; its political outlook; and, most important, its diversity.

Since many white people either live in, plan to move to, or closely identify with San Francisco, it is imperative that you know how best to deal with them.

The city of San Francisco has a very multicultural population that ranges from white to gay to Asian. Within white culture this is known as “ideal diversity,” since it both provides exotic restaurants and preserves property values. The presence of gays and Asians is imperative, as it provides two of the key resources most necessary for white success and happiness.

However, it is important to be aware of the fact that regions outside San Francisco feature many people who are not white, gay, or Asian. They are greatly appreciated during the census, but white people are generally very happy that they stay in places like Oakland and Richmond. This enables white people to feel good about living near people of diverse backgrounds without having to directly deal with troublesome issues like income gaps or failing schools.

Still, the presence of other minorities is welcomed by white people for so many more reasons than just statistics! Much in the way that white people in Brooklyn feel a strong and unfounded connection with the Notorious BIG, white people in San Francisco feel the need to identify with rappers from the East Bay. Interestingly enough, the farther they venture from San Francisco, the stronger their need to represent their region.

“Oh man, I went to the Too Short show last night. So hyphy man, so hyphy. You should come by sometime and we’ll ghost-ride the Prius.”

When you are presented with statements like this, the best response is to say, “Berkeley is close to Oakland,” and the white person will likely nod and throw up some sort of West Side hand sign.

Though it is exceptionally easy to put someone from San Francisco in a good mood, there are some caveats. When talking to a white person who lives in San Francisco, it is best not to bring up New York City. Though they live in a world-class city, San Franciscans have a crippling inferiority complex about New York, and even hinting at that will make them very sad or very defensive.

Fortunately, there is a foolproof method for quickly returning the conversation to a positive, trust-building tone. No matter how much you have offended someone from San Francisco, you can always make them feel better by asking how they feel about Southern California. They will instantly talk of how it is filled with crime, pollution, hegemonic culture, and the wrong kind of white people: “I swear California is like two separate countries. I am so thankful that I live in the cultural center of the West Coast.” This will allow them to reassert their superiority and leave the conversation with a positive feeling about themselves and about you.

92 Music Piracy

White people have always been renowned for having ridiculously large music collections. So when file sharing gave white people a chance to acquire all the music they ever wanted, they felt as though it was an earned right and not a privilege.

When (not if) you see a white male with a full iPod, ask him if all of his music is legal. If he does not immediately launch into a diatribe about his right to pirate music, you might have to nudge him a bit by saying, “Do you think that’s right?” The response will be immediate and uniform. He will likely rattle off statistics about how most musicians don’t make any money from albums, that it all comes from touring and merchandise. So by attending shows, he is able to support the musicians while simultaneously striking a blow against multinational corporations. He will proceed to walk you through the process of how record labels are set up to reward the corporation and fundamentally rob the artist of their rights, royalties, and creativity. Prepare to hear the name Steve Albini a lot.