Read Stuff White People Like Online

Authors: Christian Lander

Tags: #General, #Humor, #Topic, #American wit and humor, #Popular Culture, #Adult, #Popular culture - United States, #Race identity, #Whites, #Satire And Humor, #Topic - Adult, #Race awareness, #Whites - United States

Stuff White People Like

BOOK: Stuff White People Like
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Contents

Title Page

Dedication

1 Coffee

2 Religions Their Parents Don’t Belong To

3 Film Festivals

4 Assists

5 Farmer’s Markets

6 Organic Food

7 Diversity

8 Barack Obama

9 Making You Feel Bad for Not Going Outside

10 Wes Anderson Movies

11 Asian Girls

12 Nonprofit Organizations

13 Tea

14 Having Black Friends

15 Yoga

16 Gifted Children

17 Hating Their Parents

18 Awareness

19 International Travel

20 Being an Expert on Your Culture

21 Writer’s Workshops

22 Having Two Last Names

23 Microbreweries

24 Wine

25 David Sedaris

26 Manhattan (and Now Brooklyn, Too!)

27 Marathons

28 Not Having a TV

29 ’80s Night

30 Wrigley Field

31 Snowboarding

32 Veganism/Vegetarianism

33 Marijuana

34 Architecture

35 The Daily Show with Jon Stewart / The Colbert Report

36 Brunch

37 Renovations

38 Arrested Development

39 Netflix

40 Apple Products

41 Indie Music

42 Sushi

43 Plays

44 Public Radio

45 Asian Fusion Food

46 The Sunday New York Times

47 Liberal Arts Degrees

48 Whole Foods and Grocery Co-ops

49 Vintage

50 Irony

51 Living by the Water

52 Sarah Silverman

53 Dogs

54 Kitchen Gadgets

55 Apologies

56 Lawyers

57 Documentaries

58 Japan

59 Natural Medicine

60 Toyota Prius

61 Bicycles

62 Knowing What’s Best for Poor People

63 Expensive Sandwiches

64 Recycling

65 Coed Sports

66 Divorce

67 Standing Still at Concerts

68 Michel Gondry

69 Mos Def

70 Difficult Breakups

71 Being the Only White Person Around

72 Study Abroad

73 Gentrification

74 Oscar Parties

75 Threatening to Move to Canada

76 Bottles of Water

77 Musical Comedy

78 Multilingual Children

79 Modern Furniture

80 The Idea of Soccer

81 Graduate School

82 Hating Corporations

83 Bad Memories of High School

84 T-shirts

85 The Wire

86 Shorts

87 Outdoor Performance Clothes

88 Having Gay Friends

89 St. Patrick’s Day

90 Dinner Parties

91 San Francisco

92 Music Piracy

93 Rugby

94 New Balance Shoes

95 Beards

96 Having Children in Their Late Thirties

97 Red Hair

98 Noam Chomsky

99 Non-Motorized Boating

100 The Boston Red Sox

101 Scarves

102 Cleanses

103 Self-Deprecating Humor

104 Integrity

105 Pretending to Be a Canadian When Traveling Abroad

106 The Criterion Collection

107 Natural Childbirth

108 High School English Teachers

109 Native Wisdom

110 Trying Too Hard

111 Portland, Oregon

112 Free Health Care

113 Che Guevara

114 The New Yorker

115 Non-American News Sources

116 Subtitles

117 Premium Juice

118 The ACLU

119 Plaid

120 Platonic Friendships

121 Reusable Shopping Bags

122 Acoustic Covers

123 Dave Chappelle

124 Tibet

125 Nintendo Wii

126 Conspiracies

127 The Simpsons

128 Avoiding Confrontation

129 DJs

130 Carbon Offsets

131 Following Their Dreams

132 Not Having Cash

133 Adopting Foreign Children

134 LEED Certification

135 Expensive Strollers

136 Singer-Songwriters

137 Eating Outside

138 Books

139 Music Festivals

140 Glasses

141 McSweeney’s

142 Hardwood Floors

143 Bakeries

144 Modern Art Museums

145 Cheese

146 Therapy

147 Public Transportation That Is Not a Bus

148 Dive Bars

149 Self-Importance

150 Rock Climbing

How White are You?

Acknowledgments

Photograph Acknowledgments

About the Author

Copyright

To my mother, Jennifer,
who by nature of being born
in England granted me an ethnicity

1 Coffee

There is no doubt that white people love coffee. Yes, it’s true that Asians like iced coffee and people of all races enjoy a cup. But it is a certainty that the first person at your school to drink coffee was a white person. It was obvious that they didn’t enjoy it, but they did it anyway, until they liked it—like cigarettes.

As white people begin to age, a genuine taste for coffee will emerge. During this time white people will also develop a self-proclaimed “addiction.” This leads to them saying things like “You do
not
want to see me before I get my morning coffee.” White guys will also call it anything but coffee: “rocket fuel,” “java,” “joe,” “black gold,” and so forth. It’s pretty much garbage all around.

It’s worth noting that where white people buy coffee is almost as important as the drink itself. For the most part, white people love Starbucks, although they will profess to hate how the chain is now a multinational corporation. This hatred is often sublimated by their relief at seeing one in an airport. The best place for white people to drink coffee is at a locally owned coffeeshop that offers many types of drinks, free Wi-Fi, and some sort of message board that is peppered with notices about rooms for rent and bands looking for bass players.

White people are given extra points for buying Fair Trade coffee, because paying the extra $2 means they are making a difference while their peers are drinking liquid oppression.

2 Religions Their Parents Don’t Belong To

White people will often say they are “spiritual” but not religious. This usually means that they will believe in any religion that doesn’t involve Jesus. The most popular choices include Buddhism, Hinduism, Kabbalah, and, to a lesser extent, Scientology. A few even dip into Islam, but that’s much rarer, since you have to make real sacrifices and actually go to a mosque.

For the most part, white people prefer religions that produce artifacts and furniture that fit into their home or wardrobe. They are also particularly drawn to religions that do not require a lot of commitment or donations.

When a white person tells you “I’m a Buddhist/Hindu/Kabbalahist,” the best thing to do is ask how they arrived at their religious decision. The story will likely involve a trip to Thailand or a college class on religion.

3 Film Festivals

White people can’t get enough of film festivals, especially Sundance, Toronto, and Cannes. This love can be due to a number of factors.

Fact #1: 90 percent of white people have taken a film class at some point in their life.

Fact #2: White people like feeling smart without doing work—two hours in a theater is easier than ten hours with a book.

Fact #3: If white people aren’t going backpacking, they generally like to travel with a specific purpose.

Fact #4: 75 percent of white people believe they either have the potential to or will become filmmakers/screenwriters/ directors at some point.

BOOK: Stuff White People Like
4.42Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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