Stuff White People Like (4 page)

This knowledge is important if you ever find yourself needing to gain the acceptance of white people. If you see their kids playing peacefully, say, “Oh, they seem very focused. Are they in a gifted program?” at which point the parent will say, “Yes.” Or if the kid is lighting a dog on fire while screaming at his/her mother, you say, “My, he/she is a creative one. Is he/she gifted?” To which the parent will reply, “Oh, yes, he’s too creative and smart for school. We just don’t know what to do.” Either situation will put a white person in a better mood and make them like you more.

WARNING:
Never
under any circumstances imply that their child is less than a genius. The idea that something could come from them and have less than greatness is too much for them to bear.

17 Hating Their Parents

This topic ties into a number of other items, but there is no denying that white people hate their parents. There is nothing you can do to prevent this.

If you are a strict parent who makes your kid have a curfew, do homework, and not smoke weed, then you are almost guaranteed to have them scream at you, write poems about how much they hate you, and relate to songs by bands from Orange County and Florida. Eventually, they forgive you and thank you for the tough upbringing, but still resent you because their high school experience wasn’t a carbon copy of
The O.C.
or
My So-Called Life.

On the other hand, if you are a super-laid-back parent who lets your kid go to parties and drink in the house, and you smoke weed together, you are only delaying the hatred. Because these kids eventually end up doing something stupid with their lives—dropping out of college, trying to become a painter, or spending time in a Thai prison. At which point, they hate you for being too lax and not caring enough.

But note that this hatred can be used for gain. White people love to talk about how much they hate their parents, so if you are in a situation where you need to gain a white person’s trust, ask about their parents. But under no circumstances should you try to one-up them, regardless of whether or not you were an orphan, were abused, or watched your parents get shot. If you bring this up, the white person will never talk to you about their problems again, and your chances for friendship will be ruined.

18 Awareness

An interesting fact about white people is that they firmly believe all of the world’s problems can be solved through “awareness”—meaning the process of making other people aware of problems, magically causing someone else, like the government, to fix it.

This belief allows them to feel that sweet self-satisfaction without actually having to solve anything or face any difficult challenges, because the only challenge of raising awareness is getting the attention of people who are currently unaware.

What makes this even more appealing for white people is that you can raise “awareness” through expensive dinners, parties, marathons, T-shirts, fashion shows, concerts, and bracelets. In other words, white people just have to keep doing stuff they like,
except
that now they can feel better about making a difference.

Raising awareness is also awesome because once you raise awareness to an acceptable though arbitrary level, you can just back off and say, “Bam! Did my part. Now it’s your turn. Fix it.”

So, to summarize: you get all the benefits of helping (self-satisfaction, telling other people) but no need for difficult decisions or the ensuing criticism. (How do you criticize awareness?) Once again, white people find a way to score that sweet double victory.

Popular things to be aware of: the environment, diseases like cancer and AIDS, Africa, poverty, anorexia, homophobia, middle school field hockey/lacrosse teams, drug rehab, and political prisoners.

19 International Travel

White-person travel can be broken into two categories—First World and Third World.

First World is Europe and Japan, and man, this travel is not only beloved but absolutely essential in the development of a white person. Every white person takes at least one trip to Europe between the ages of 17 and 29. During this time they are likely to wear a backpack, stay at a hostel, meet someone from Ireland/Sweden/Italy with whom they have a memorable experience, get drunk, see some old churches, and ride a train.

What’s amazing is that all white people have pretty much the same experience, but all of them believe theirs to be the first of its kind, so much so that they return to North America with ideas of writing novels and screenplays about it.

Upon returning home, they will also find an affinity for a particular beer or liquor from a country they visited. They use this as an excuse to mention their travels when at a bar. “Oh, I’ll have a Czechznlishiyush Pilsner. You see, that was my favorite beer when I was traveling through Slovenia and the Czech Republic.”

The second type of white-person travel is Third World. This is when they venture to Thailand, Africa, or South America. Some do it so that they can one-up the white people who only go to Europe. As with Europe, white people like to believe they are the first white people to make this trip. As such, they should be recognized as special and important individuals.

That’s right, by going to a country, riding around on a bus or train, staying at a hotel or hostel, and eating, they are doing something important for the world.

If you are someone who lives in a country that white people like to visit, there are some things you can do for personal gain, the best of which is to make them feel fantastic by saying how you’ve never seen a white person before, and that you are amazed by their iPod—“A device that plays many songs? Impossible!” They might give it to you, then you can sell it for profit. Repeat as necessary.

20 Being an Expert on
Your
Culture

White people are pretty conflicted about their culture. On one hand, they are proud of the art, literature, and film produced by white culture. But on the other, they are very ashamed of all the bad things about white culture: the KKK, colonialism, slavery, Jim Crow laws, feudalism, and the treatment of Native Americans.

One way they can make up for the shame is by becoming marginally acquainted with foreign cultures. It is generally acceptable for a white person to learn a few terms in a language spoken primarily by nonwhites (such as Chinese, Tagalog, or Portuguese). They can then use these phrases to order certain “more authentic” dishes in restaurants.