Stuff White People Like (5 page)

White people can also take passing interest in film, politics, music, or art from these cultures. When they actually meet someone from that culture, or at least who has parents from that culture, they cannot wait to engage you in all the details that they have learned. “Have you heard the new Andy Lau CD? It’s awesome!”

It is imperative that you recognize how special and unique this white person is for knowing about your culture. Acceptable responses include “Wow, I’ve never seen a white person order chicken feet” or “How did you find out about that film? I didn’t think they had dubbed/subtitled it yet.”

These responses will fill white people with that self-satisfaction they need. Also, the responses serve as reminders that they are not racist, which also makes them feel terrific.

21 Writer’s Workshops

It’s no secret: White people want to be writers. Why wouldn’t they? They could work 10 hours a week from a country house in Maine or New England, get called a genius by other white people, and maybe get a book made into a film. Every single white person harbors this dream. No matter what they tell you, all of them have at least one chapter of a novel or memoir stashed away somewhere.

Being a marginally crafty race, white people will often seek out every possible route to achieving this goal, and one of the most popular methods has been writer’s workshops. These are expensive mini go-to-school-type vacations where you talk with a published writer (often someone you haven’t heard of, but they have a book on Amazon) who will tell you how they became a writer. If there is time, they will listen to you read your stuff and tell you that it’s good but it needs work on (a) structure, (b) characters, or (c) dialogue. Then they will collect their check and go back to their country house or studio apartment in New York.

22 Having Two Last Names

In recent years, white people have loved giving their children two last names. This is a direct result of white women thinking it’s sexist and outdated to take their husband’s name. It is also sexist that the child would carry the name of only one parent, especially since the unnamed parent is the one who carried the child for nine months. The only logical solution is to give the kid a split last name. White people can’t get enough of it!

As a result, we have children growing up named Elijah Sadler-Moore.

While it’s true that many Spanish-speaking cultures do this, oftentimes their names are crazy long but are shortened into sweet one-word nicknames like Pele. Also, there is a historical precedent.

As this is a recent phenomenon, we have yet to see what happens when one split-named person marries another split-named person. Does their kid end up with four last names?

There are some concerns that collegiate lacrosse and soccer jerseys are going to look pretty strange in the next few years.

23 Microbreweries

White people don’t like stuff that’s easy to acquire. Beer is no exception.

They generally try to avoid beers like Budweiser, Labatt’s, Molson, Coors, and Heineken because if it’s mass-produced it is bad. Pabst Blue Ribbon is given a pass because it doesn’t advertise, has a cool can, and is one of the cheapest beers around. When white people are young they like to say how much they like Pabst because they can’t afford anything else, then say it tastes great. If you want to make a white person laugh when they bring up Pabst, just say, “You know, they only give the Blue Ribbon to first place…even if it was handed out in 1893.”

But Pabst is most definitely the exception and not the rule.

When white people need a beer, they turn to microbreweries, which seem to be located almost exclusively in New England, California, Oregon, Quebec, and Colorado. Being able to walk into a bar and order a beer that no one has heard of makes white people feel good about their refined beer palate.

A friend of mine once met a white guy who brought a notebook with him to every bar. He would then keep a record of all the beers he drank and his experience with them. He called it his “beer journal.”

Also of note: Most white people want to open a microbrewery at some point. One that uses organic hops.

24 Wine

There are a lot of cultures that like wine, but the way white people like wine is on a whole different level.

Within white culture, you are expected to know what a good wine is, what wine is not acceptable to like, and the names of prominent wine-growing regions. But because there are thousands of wineries, thousands of wines, and a limited time to try them or learn about the subject, white people often need to fake knowledge. If they are exposed as not being knowledgeable, they will look like fools and their peers will consistently make jokes about them liking Boone’s Farm, Thunderbird, Wild Irish Rose, or Cisco. This humiliation can crush a white person for years.

When a white person offers you wine, you take a small sip and then say, “Ooh, that’s nice. What country is it from?” Then they will say the name of the country and you say, “I love wines from that country, I would love to get a villa in the wine region there.” White people will nod in agreement as they all want to have a second home in a wine region like Napa, Tuscany, or Santa Barbara.

It is also a good idea to say that your favorite wine is from a small winery called [make up a name like Spotswood, Red Duck, or a random Spanish-sounding name] in [Australia, Argentina, France, California, or Chile] that is hard to find in whatever country you are in. White people will be impressed that they have not heard of this wine and will consider you to be a very smart person. They will also make a note to try to find that wine, and when they can’t find it, your status will rise even higher.

Wines that are acceptable: red, white (less so).

Wines that are unacceptable (unless to be consumed in an ironic fashion): white Zinfandel, wine in a box, rosé, fortified wine, Arbor Mist, Chinese cooking wine.

25 David Sedaris

For many of you, this item will be confusing, as you will be wondering who exactly this David Sedaris is. He is a humorist who writes for
The New Yorker
and has several books, including
Barrel Fever
and
Holidays on Ice
.

His stuff is kind of funny, but white people go crazy and will pay hundreds of dollars to hear him read from his own book. Let me say that again: they will pay money to see someone read from a book they have already read. They know the jokes are coming, they know the punch lines, but they feel the need to hear the author actually say them.

White people universally love David Sedaris, so if they ever ask you, “Who are your favorite authors?” you should always reply, “David Sedaris.” They will instantly launch into a story about how much they love his work, and the conversation will go from there, and you won’t have to talk about books anymore. This is also safer than saying Jonathan Franzen, Dave Eggers, or Shakespeare. White people are very divided on these authors and might actually ask you questions about why you like them. Stick with David Sedaris and you can’t lose! If they do press you, just say, “I read a lot, and I never laugh out loud when I read, but Sedaris is just brilliant.”

This advice will make white people respect you, trust you, and be more willing to invite you to their parties.

White Annotated Bibliography

Dave Eggers,
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
“Honestly, I’m not afraid to call this the book of our generation. He captures all that we are and aspire to be.”

Jonathan Safran Foer,
Everything Is Illuminated
“The book is incredible. The accented English literally jumps off the page and demands to be read out loud.”

Michael Chabon,
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay
“His first book was good, but I think he really comes into his own as an author with this novel. It does this amazing job of combining all that I remember loving about comic books with all that I love about prose fiction.”

Henry James, all books
“If you send me to a desert island, just make sure I have a page of James’s delicate prose in my back pocket. I promise you it can keep me entertained and thinking for months.”