Stuff White People Like (10 page)

But not everything is political. Public radio also features
This American Life,
hosted by Ira Glass. For white women without a television, he is considered the ideal man (ahead of Jon Stewart). The program features a collection of white people doing stories about minorities and the wrong kind of white people. It is very entertaining and is the safest and easiest way for white people to learn about these groups.

There are many other shows, and literally anything you hear is an appropriate and excellent topic of conversation, provided you announce that you heard about it on NPR before approaching the subject. For example: “I heard this fascinating piece on NPR about chlamydia. It got me thinking, do any of you have an STD?” Normally this would be a very offensive question, but phrased in the context of NPR it is considered acceptable.

Overall, the lesson here is that if you want your time with white people to go smoothly, there are few things you can do that are more effective than listening to public radio.

45 Asian Fusion Food

In much the same way white people often believe that adding truffle oil to something will always make it better, there is a long-standing belief that adding “Asian” to anything is an improvement. The most popular things for white people to infuse with “Asian influence” are furniture, film, animation, interior design, personal style, children, and perhaps most important, food.

It is true that many white people demand especially authentic Asian food and will often seek out the most authentic experiences. However, these restaurants generally do not feature staff who understand the question “Yes, but did you use these same pots to cook any meat? You see, I’m vegan, and I cannot eat any vegetables that were prepared in pots that have been used to cook meat.”

An Asian fusion restaurant is a fantastic compromise where white people can use chopsticks and get definitive answers about the use of gluten in the food, all while being surrounded by modern black furniture and Asian-inspired art.

With their beautiful wait staff, décor, and trendy music, these restaurants are the equivalent of a white guy with an Asian girlfriend and a Chinese or Japanese character tattoo that says “truth.”

The bar at an Asian fusion restaurant will also feature a full list of drinks that are made with exotic Asian liquors like soju. White people cannot resist the opportunity to prove to their friends that they are not only wine experts, but true connoisseurs of sake. If you need to gain their trust, ask for a recommended drink—they will love it.

Because of their high cost and small portions, these locations are best used for formal dinners. As such, if a white person invites you to one, it can be appropriately interpreted as a romantic gesture.

46 The Sunday
New York Times

Mornings are exceptionally important to white people, as witnessed by their love of brunch places. However, some white people never go out for breakfast on a Sunday morning. The reason? The Sunday edition of
The New York Times.

A perfect white Sunday generally works like this: Wake up at around 8:45; if the paper has been delivered, retrieve the paper and begin a pot of coffee. If the paper has not been delivered, a white person will go out and usually buy the supplies needed for breakfast—bagels, orange juice, lox, cream cheese, or waffle mix. Some white people even pick up freshly brewed coffee with the paper!

Once coffee, food, and the newspaper have been procured, white people put on extra-mellow music (jazz, classical, or, for the cooler ones, ambient trip-hop or something along those lines). They then proceed to read each section of the paper, stopping periodically to tell their partner about the interesting news they have just seen. “Looks like another civil war might break out in Africa” “Did you see that the Met is doing
Tristan and Isolde
?”

White couples usually fight over who gets to read the Sunday
Magazine
first. How do we know this? They will tell us repeatedly about how they always fight over the Sunday
Magazine.

But note well that the sports section will always remain perfectly creased and unread, unless they have a teenage son. So on Monday morning, if you need to impress your co-workers, choose to talk about something you read in the
Book Review,
the
Magazine,
or Sunday Styles.

All white people are expected to read the Sunday
Times.
You are given an exemption during your early college years, but by age 22 it is pretty much law.

47 Liberal Arts Degrees

When white people go to college, they tend to study what are known as the Liberal Arts. This includes actual Art, English, History, Classics, and Philosophy. These can, of course, be broken down further into Film, Womyn’s Studies (yes, the spelling is correct), Communications, Gender Studies, and so forth. It is important to note that a high percentage of white people also get degrees in Political Science, which is pretty much like Liberal Arts, and only seems to have the word
science
in it to make white people feel better about themselves.

These degrees enable white people to spend four years of their lives reading books, writing papers, and feeling great about themselves. It is a known fact that Liberal Arts students firmly believe that they are doing you/society a favor by reading Proust and not getting a job. They then protest for reduced tuition, more money for the arts, and special reduced student rates on things like bus passes.

But what about the white people who study Science, Engineering, and Business? Unless they become doctors, they essentially lose white-person status (which can be regained only by working at a nonprofit).

So why would white people spend all that time studying and working to get into college if they are just going to read books that they might have read in their free time? Because white people have it made. They can take that degree and easily parlay it into a job at a nonprofit, in an art gallery, or in publishing. If the pay is low, no problem—their parents will happily help out with rent until they magically start making six figures or nonmagically turn 40.

White people can also take that degree and go to graduate school, and eventually become professors or adjunct professors. They will still require parental support. If they are
really
ambitious and need to make money, they can take that degree and go to law school.

But the real reason white people need these degrees is so that they can sound smart at parties. Of course, it trickles down to making connections, getting hired, knowing rich people, and so forth. But ultimately it all begins by saying, “Reading Henry James was the most rewarding part of undergrad.”

Using this to your advantage can be very difficult as attempts to talk about the books they skimmed while hungover can mate them hate you for exposing them. It is best to say that you were a first-generation college student and your parents demanded that you study math, chemistry, economics, or computer science. You had to read Joyce on your own.

48 Whole Foods and Grocery Co-ops

White people need organic food to survive, and where they purchase this food is as important as what they buy. In the community, Whole Foods stores have replaced churches and cathedrals as the most important and relevant buildings in society. There are some regions that do not have Whole Foods but do have an abundance of white people (college towns). In these situations Whole Foods can be substituted with a local co-op grocery store.