Stuff White People Like (14 page)

A great way to make white people feel good is to tell them about situations where poor people changed how they were doing things because they were given the “whiter” option. “Back in my old town, people used to shop at Wal-Mart, and then this nonprofit organization came in and set up a special farmer’s co-op so that we could buy more local produce, and within two weeks the Wal-Mart shut down and we elected our first Democratic representative in forty years.” White people will first ask which nonprofit, and are they hiring? They will be so filled with euphoria that they will invite you to more parties so you can tell this story to their friends.

WARNING: It is
essential
that you make it clear that poor people do not make decisions based on free will. To suggest anything to the contrary could crush white people and their hope for the future.

63 Expensive Sandwiches

Having already covered breakfast and dinner options, the question remains: What do white people like to do for lunch? The answer: eat expensive sandwiches.

If you need to find a cache of white people, get yourself to a sandwich shop. Generally these places aren’t open for dinner, have a panini press, and are famous for their bread. There are always vegan options and the selection of meats and cheese is mostly from Europe.

The waiters and waitresses in these places are highly coveted by the white population. They are not quite as cool as bartenders, not quite as snobby as coffeeshop workers, but still artsy, young, and more than likely to be a musician/artist/writer (since they only have to work from 11:00 to 3:00).

If you are in the position where you need to take a white person to lunch for business or pleasure, saying “I know a great sandwich shop” will always bring out a smile. The white person will then tell you about the great sandwich shop in the town where they went to college and how they had a crush on a waiter, or that there was a special sandwich they always ordered. This will put the person in a good mood.

It’s important to note that this type of restaurant is best for business or friendship situations, as it is very neutral and does not carry romantic connotations as sushi and breakfast do. So if a white person that you are interested in decides to invite you for a sandwich, do not assume it will lead to any sort of sexual conduct.

These sandwiches generally start at $8.99. Remember that whenever a white person says they want to go to a sandwich shop you are looking at at least a $15 outlay after tip and drink, $20 if the place has a good selection of microbrews.

Also note: White people will wait up to 40 minutes for a good sandwich.

64 Recycling

Recycling is part of a larger theme of stuff white people like: saving the Earth without having to do that much.

Recycling is fantastic! You can still buy all the stuff you like (bottled water, beer, wine, organic iced tea, and cans of all varieties), and then when you’re done you just put it in a
different
bin from your other garbage. And boom! Environment saved! Everyone feels great. It’s so easy!

This is important because all white people feel guilty about producing waste. It doesn’t stop them from doing it, of course. Deep down they believe they should be like the Native Americans and use every part of the product or beast they have consumed. For many white people this simply means putting plastic bags into a special drawer, where they will accumulate until they are eventually used to carry gym clothes or a bathing suit. Ultimately this drawer will get full and will be emptied only when the person moves to a new home. Advanced recyclers use them as garbage bags.

If you are in a situation where a white person produces an empty bottle, watch their actions. They will first say, “Where’s the recycling?” If you say, “We don’t recycle,” prepare for some awkwardness. They will make a move to throw the bottle away, hesitate, and then ultimately throw the bottle away. But after they return, look in their eyes. All they can see is the bottle lasting forever in a landfill, trapping small animals. It will eat at them for days, so at this point you should say, “I’m just kidding, the recycling is under the sink. Can you fish out that bottle?” And they will do it 100 percent of the time!

The best advice is that if you plan to deal with white people on a regular basis, either start recycling or purchase a large blue bin so that they can believe you do it.

65 Coed Sports

White people love being outside, but they don’t often have time for marathons or ten-mile bike rides. The answer is to play coed sports. This provides white people with a valuable opportunity to make friends with other white people and maybe even find a date.

Many white people play in their first coed league in college. It is considered good form to talk about how you played in one of these leagues, when the best player on your team was a girl. This will make everyone feel better and remind them of the benefits of supporting women’s athletics.

As white people move into careers, the coed leagues become important tools for bonding with co-workers and making valuable career connections. Popular coed sports include kickball, softball, flag football, and soccer. Although kickball used to be kind of cool, it’s sort of played out. So unless it’s work-related, it’s not really worth joining a kickball league anymore.

On the surface, these events seem like friendly contests, with everyone having a laugh. But danger lurks, and within them exists the possibility to ruin your reputation and hard-earned status with white people. It is key that you properly match your athletic ability to your surroundings.

If you are a poor athlete, rest easy. Coed sports were made for you! But if you are reasonably skilled in sports, you have to be extremely careful how you approach your coed matches. If you try
too
hard (bowling over a female catcher, throwing a kickball
extra
hard at someone), you come off as an aggressive, crazy maniac. On the other hand, if you don’t try at all, you come off as a jerk who thinks they are above the game. The only solution is to approach it like a point-shaving basketball player—play hard enough to be convincing, but not hard enough to win.

If you follow these rules, you will find yourself invited to the mandatory postgame drinks at a local bar, where you will be photographed many times.

66 Divorce

If you are in a room with more than five white people it is a statistical certainty that at least two of them have divorced parents and at least one has an ex-wife or husband. The divorce rate among white people is sky-high, and it is one of the most easily exploited aspects of white culture.

The combination of alcohol and stories about divorce is the easiest and most efficient way to gain the trust and admiration of a white person. If your parents never divorced and you are required to lie, do not worry about being called out. White people spend most of their day waiting for opportunities to complain about their parents, and they will likely only ask questions about your scenario to be polite. Say whatever you like, they are only waiting for trigger expressions to enable them to return to their own story. Popular ones include
unhappy, work, affair, tough time at school,
and
tied down.
Say any of these and the white person will immediately redirect the conversation back to their situation.

When the night finally ends, you will be operating on a friendship level that normally takes eight to ten months.

If the white person is actually going through a divorce, do not be too concerned. A lifetime of difficult breakups has prepared them for the event. They are well equipped to become the center of attention for their friends and family. The best thing you can do in this scenario is to constantly reassure the white person that they deserve better. It will comfort them instantly. This is due to the fact that all white people believe they deserve more than they have. Hearing it from someone else helps to confirm the injustice of fate and gives them hope that they will eventually receive the sexual and career payday that is long overdue.

Finally, if you have a deceased parent do not bring it up when white people are talking about divorce. You will immediately be crowned the winner of the pain party, but you will also make all the white people feel bad for making such a big deal out of nonfatal divorce.

67 Standing Still at Concerts

Music is very important to white people. It truly is the soundtrack to their lives, meaning that white people are constantly thinking about what songs would be on the soundtrack of their biopic. The problem is that most of the music white people like isn’t especially dance-friendly. More often the songs are about pain, love, breaking up with someone, not being able to date someone, or death.

So when white people go to concerts at smaller venues, what do they do? They stand still! This is an important part of white concertgoing, as it enables you to focus on the music, and it will prevent drawing excess attention to yourself. Remember, at a concert everyone is watching you, just waiting for you to try to start dancing. Then they will make fun of you.

The result is Belle and Sebastian concerts, which essentially look more like a disorganized line of people than musical events.