Stuff White People Like (24 page)

Choosing the right film can be tough. If you choose something that is too obscure or foreign you will be viewed as a threat, but choosing something too mainstream might make you look like a simpleton. The best thing you can do is to choose a film that is reasonably well known but is still considered artistic. Fortunately, there is a series of DVDs called the Criterion Collection that provides you with a handy list of films that are all acceptable to give as your favorite.

You might have noticed that many films are released in a regular edition and a Criterion Collection version. The latter is almost always more expensive, contains special features, and is conveniently packaged in a different way, which enables its owner to more easily display their superior knowledge of film.

If you tell a white person that you have recently purchased a DVD, nothing can deflate them faster than telling them you got the regular edition.

“I just bought
Rear Window
!”

“Criterion Collection?”

“No, the regular one.”

“Oh.”

Watch as their face drops along with their opinion of you. The only way to gain back their respect is to continually ask to borrow their Criterion copy of movies that you already own. This reminds them that they are more “into film” than you are, and you need them to help you figure out the correct way to entertain yourself.

107 Natural Childbirth

The early years of a white person are exceptionally important. The severity and frequency of problems during this era can be directly tied to the amount of therapy and counseling required later in life. Because of this, white people are trying to do whatever they can to keep their children natural and happy, and this begins at birth.

In spite of thousands of years of human history, white people like to believe that they are the first person ever to have a child. Or at least the first to have a truly gifted, beautiful child. For white people, birthing is now a spiritual experience that must be treated appropriately. This means candles, water, doulas, and relaxing music. Modern white birth is essentially an extreme yoga class with more screaming, and it only ends when a child pops out.

This also means that the birth should take place without the aid of pain-relief drugs. It is essential that white children are born into a completely drug-free environment. This ensures that they will have a more powerful experience when they start taking drugs in high school.

When the birth is complete, everyone is left with a child, the smell of incense, self-satisfaction, and a placenta. Normally everything but the placenta will remain, but in recent years white people have started the interesting practice of eating this piece of afterbirth. Though theoretically this is cannibalism, many white people view it as the best in organic food. This is because during pregnancy white women will not eat sushi, drink alcohol, smoke, dye their hair, or engage in any other activities that might endanger the child. The result is an allegedly delicious, organic, grainfed placenta. It is unknown whether it is acceptable for vegans to eat this.

After learning that a white person is pregnant, it is a good idea to provide a list of recipes for placenta. Even if they do not plan to eat the placenta, they will view you as progressive and open to new things. If you can fake a recipe from your own culture, it is a certainty that the white person will use it, even if they were not planning on it. Other acceptable gifts include candles, a baby sling, and/or a
Nature Sounds
CD.

108 High School English Teachers

Though white parents do a good job of introducing their children to culture, literature, and creative writing, they can only take them so far before the inevitable rebellion sets in at 12 or 13. At this point, the parents must hand off their child to a high school English teacher, who is responsible for educating the child in literature, art, creative writing, and New York City.

Many white people will have up to four different high school English teachers during high school, so how do they choose the “one”? While you would think that this is a complicated procedure requiring the forging of a deep bond, ungraded poetry, and the lending of extracurricular books, it really isn’t so complicated. The way that a white person identifies the “chosen one” is dependent entirely on who guides them through
The Catcher in the Rye.
Simple as that.

The high school English teacher is instrumental in leading white people toward arts degrees and eventually careers in law, nonprofit, and media, or as high school English teachers. The latter course represents the “white circle of life.”

The importance of high school English teachers goes far beyond everyday life. They have inspired such classic films as
Freedom Writers, Dangerous Minds,
and
Dead Poets Society.
In fact, white people are so convinced that teaching high school English can make a difference that the U.S. government created “Teach for America” to accommodate the overwhelming demand from white people to teach underprivileged children about the importance of Faulkner.

But how is this information of any use in day-to-day dealing with white people? Its value is twofold. First, white people who are unhappy with their jobs will often say they wish to go to graduate school or to teach high school English. So whenever a white person is complaining to you about their job, giving them the advice to become a high school English teacher is always welcomed and appreciated. But most important, you can use this as an easy way to determine what type of white person you are dealing with. If you ask, “Who was your favorite teacher in high school?” and they respond “My gym teacher,” then you are dealing with the wrong type of white person. If they say “math” or “science” you should investigate further to see if you are actually speaking with a white person.

109 Native Wisdom

We’ve already seen how white people love religions that their parents don’t belong to, but that doesn’t mean that they will only take life advice from that religion. White people all seek wisdom from anyone who is from a different culture. For over fifty years, the undisputed champion of wisdom has been the Native American.

White people are loath to convert to any set of beliefs that fails to blend in with modern furniture, so they will rarely align themselves as Native American. However, they do appreciate the tips and advice passed on by Native American elders.

This advice is considered to be particularly powerful to white people who claim to have Native American ancestry. “The parable of the wolf and the hawk is particularly applicable to me since I’m one thirty-second Cherokee. It has really helped me to resolve the issues I’ve been having with my friend over whether or not it’s ethically acceptable to eat vegan food cooked in pots that have touched meat. I am at one with him now.”

If a white person ever tries to pass on Native wisdom to you, it is best that you nod in agreement. If they have Native ancestry, it’s advised that you ask them a few questions about it.

110 Trying Too Hard

If you like something—anything—there is a 100 percent chance that there is a white person out there who likes it more than you. It doesn’t matter what it is—Mandarin, sushi, marijuana, African music, hip-hop, television, Madagascar, or jai alai.

It is widely accepted that all white people feel the need to be an expert on something. Most white people will be satisfied with being recognized as the expert among their friends, but there are others who need to take it to an entirely different level. Encountering one of these people can be a jarring experience, and if you do not handle the situation just right you can quickly lose their friendship, or worse, appear arrogant to a group of white people.

The story is always the same. You will be in a group of people and casually mention something like “I really like Jimi Hendrix,” then out of the corner of the room you will hear “What’s your favorite album?” Just as you are preparing to give your answer, the person who asked will jump in with a rapid-fire series of questions: “Do you have
Loose Ends
? How much vinyl do you own? Did you get the bootlegs with B. B. King and Jim Morrison? Did you read
Electric Gypsy
?” and before you know it you are reeling and feeling as though you are the victim of some sort of inquisition. Your first reaction might be to call the person a nerd and tell them to “take it easy.” Though that might bring about a short-term laugh from the group, it will engender hate and resentment from the white person you have burned.

In the rare instance where you feel as though your knowledge is on par, do not, under any circumstance, engage them. You cannot win.

111 Portland, Oregon

Portland, Oregon, is essentially a
Lord of the Flies
scenario with white people in the Pacific Northwest instead of children in the South Pacific. In both cases, we have a situation whereby a homogenous group of people is left alone in an area with no one to keep them in check. Eventually the euphoria and self-congratulation devolves into savagery and murder.

Statistically, Portland, Oregon, is the whitest metropolis in the United States, and unsurprisingly, it’s also the most bike-friendly, vegan-friendly, GLBT-friendly city in America.