Stuff White People Like (28 page)

When it comes to the inhabitants of Tibet, white people are pretty sure that the entire nation is made up of cool Buddhist monks who know martial arts. These men are perhaps the most respected people in white culture after bicycle mechanics and indie rock musicians.

For these reasons, white support of Tibet is absolute. It is scientifically impossible to meet a white person who doesn’t support a free Tibet. This means that you have a subject that is guaranteed to get a favorable response from white people. If a conversation with a white person ever turns to politics and you are feeling slightly uncomfortable, it’s best to immediately say, “Can you believe what’s going on in Tibet?” Problem solved.

Also, if you are working in a predominantly white environment, it’s probably best to put a “Free Tibet” bumper sticker on your car. It won’t really open any doors, but it doesn’t hurt.

125 Nintendo Wii

Video games play a very interesting role for white people. Many white males are very into the Xbox 360 or Playstation 3, on which they play games like Final Fantasy, Grand Theft Auto, Halo, Gears of War, and Rock Band. If they tell you that they play “a lot of Madden,” you are speaking with the wrong kind of white person. However, on the whole white people have very specific tastes in the types of video games they like.

Almost all of them grew up playing Super Mario Bros. on the original Nintendo, and when you bring up the topic of modern video games they will almost always say, “They are too complicated now, I don’t play them. Except for the Wii.”

Launched in 2006, the Nintendo Wii has reignited white interest in video games. The Wii, which features motion controls, does not require any special skill beyond flailing your arms. The system also accommodates up to four players, meaning that it has become an excellent replacement for board games at dinner parties. White people are known to gather around the TV and spend hours playing Wii Bowling, Wii Tennis, or maybe even Mario Party.

The main reason the Wii has tapped into white culture is the creation of “Mii’s.” These are little avatars that can be used as characters within games. After spending most of their lives creating themselves through the purchase of haircuts, glasses, and tattoos and the growth of facial hair, white people love the idea of being able to re-create their “look” on the Wii. However, virtually all white Mii’s end up the same—white skin, glasses, and a choice of messy hair (male), long hair(female), bangs (female), or bald(male).

White people who do not own a Nintendo Wii especially enjoy telling people how much they want to get one. White people who do own Wii’s quickly tire of them and only end up playing when friends come over.

If you know a white person with a Wii, it’s never a good idea to buy them a game. Instead, you should try to get yourself invited over to play. They are desperate for the company.

126 Conspiracies

Conspiracies occupy a very interesting place among white people. They almost all believe in one conspiracy or another, but choosing the wrong conspiracy can make you look like an idiot while choosing the right one makes you look like a savvy revisionist historian.

Generally speaking, the type of conspiracy most beloved by white people involves the American government working with some sort of multinational corporation to extract money or resources from a poor nation. Any conspiracy involving Cuba, Central/South America, or Southeast Asia is generally acceptable. Your ability to back this up with any sort of book evidence will help to reinforce your status as a smart individual.

Conspiracies around 9/11, aliens, Jewish bankers, and the moon landing are generally frowned upon by white people, and your belief in their existence will get you labeled as an idiot; no matter how hard you try, it will be impossible to recover.

127
The Simpsons

When searching for common ground with a white person, a mention of
The Simpsons
is a sure-fire bet to start a lively and engaging conversation. But simply stating that you like
The Simpsons
is a recipe for disaster. You have to be prepared to list the specific period in which you enjoyed the show or else you might be seen as someone with poor taste.

The Simpsons
highlights the concept of “jumping the shark,” which is one of the most important phenomena in white culture and one of the best methods for determining the cultural significance and knowledge of a white person.

“Jumping the shark” is a phrase that was coined after an episode of
Happy Days
in which Fonzie, a lead character, jumped over a shark. Many people point to that as the moment the show stopped being worth watching.

Ever since that time, white people have been obsessed with accurately noting the exact moment that something stopped being relevant. By being able to judge this with the most detail, a white person is able to be seen as a sharp critic of popular culture and one that deserves to be heard. But, as with everything in white culture, there are a lot of rules and you have to be careful about what you say.

If you choose to declare that something jumped the shark too early, you risk looking as though you are lying in an effort to seem smart. If you miss some key episodes you will be mocked as a snob who doesn’t really understand the show or its values. For example, saying “I think
The Simpsons
jumped the shark after season two” will be met with laughter and taunts about your faux snobbery.

However, declaring that something jumped the shark too late will make you look uncultured in your taste for the show and you will lose all respect.

The safest route is to say, “I was obsessed with the first few seasons. My favorite episode is still ‘Mr. Plow.’” But if you must declare a shark-jumping moment, the best bet is to say that the show jumped between the two “Who Shot Mr. Burns?” episodes. That’s far enough along to cover most of the best episodes, but not so far that it includes some of the wilder plot lines.

Note: If a white person says something that doesn’t seem to make sense and they slightly change the sound of their voice, chances are that they are quoting something from
The Simpsons.

128 Avoiding Confrontation

When white people have a problem with someone they generally prefer a solution that does not require any face-to-face confrontation. White people really do hate a significant portion of the population, yet for some reason they are petrified of doing anything that might make someone hate them back. It is a strange paradox.

Normally when a white person has become frustrated with a person or situation they will choose to bottle up their rage and complain extensively to friends and relatives. It is the dream of every white person to be able to resolve all conflicts by complaining to unrelated parties. Because of this, white people are able to endure years of frustration and anger without saying a word in the hopes that everything will just work itself out without having to make a scene.

This concept can seem a bit complex and likely requires an example. One situation feared by white people is to find themselves near someone who is very talkative and friendly, be it at work, with a neighbor, or on an airplane. On the surface, it would seem as though a friendly, talkative person would be beloved by all, but this is simply not the case with white people. For the most part, white people only like talking to people they already know, and when this option is unavailable they prefer to listen to music, read, or pretend to be asleep. So when they find themselves having to pretend to be nice to a very outgoing person who bores them, they are in quite a pickle. They know that they cannot tell the person to shut up without being perceived as a jerk, so instead they rearrange their life and activities in an effort to avoid this person until their secret wishes for them to leave will come true. Sadly, they rarely do.

Generally, ignoring the problem is preferred by white people, but occasionally they will be pushed too far. When a white person reaches the breaking point, they will write a letter or an email to the person who has wronged them. The email will likely be well thought out and produced over the course of a few hours with many sentences apologizing for being in conflict. White people will say they prefer this method so that they can get their thoughts presented more clearly, but in reality it’s just easier to avoid talking to someone. Once the email has been received and replied to, the healing process can begin and the friendship can resume.

This is essential knowledge if you ever find yourself in conflict with a white person. Do not confront them directly, as they will back down, agree to everything you say, and then immediately start talking about you to their friends, who will all turn on you. Direct confrontation is viewed by white people as a sign of instability, with the possibility that you might punch them. It is very difficult to recover from if you are not drunk at the time.

The best method is to wait as long as possible to see if the white person will send you the olive-branch email. If they don’t, and you have reached your own breaking point, wait five more days and send it yourself. They will appreciate your utilization of the tested white method of conflict resolution.

129 DJs

Within the world of white people, there might be no better job than DJ: knowing a lot about music; playing vinyl; no real musical talent required; and constant recognition of how great you are for knowing about music. It is perfect.

In the same way that every white person believes they would make a good photographer or writer, every single one believes that they would make a fantastic DJ. Because of this, white people have elevated DJs to the same status as actual musicians in the hopes that one day they can join the ranks.

Approximately 60 percent of white people will be in a band at some point in their lives, and the remaining 40 percent will attempt to be DJs. They generally follow the same trajectory. At first, they will choose a DJ name that will depend on the style of DJ they want to be. If they are really into hip-hop and want to be accepted into the community, they will likely choose a “thug” name like DJ AK-47 or DJ Gatz. If they love hip-hop but sort of understand that they are hopelessly white, they will choose a funny name like DJ Optimus Prime or DJ Snork. Once they have settled on a name they will begin by buying all sorts of hip-hop vinyl and putting together mix tapes for their friends with a lot of scratches to show their “technique.” They will seek out only the most underground remixes and will likely produce a poor-quality “mashup” in which they’ll mix a hip-hop song with a pop instrumental.