Stuff White People Like (32 page)

Buying local certainly has the most significance for white people, but that does not mean that they won’t travel great distances to seek out new and exciting food. Knowing where to get the best cookie, French bread, or macaroon is of critical importance among white people, and being able to tell someone where to get the “best cupcake in the city” is considered an essential element in being an expert on local food. However, attempting to tell someone about a bakery that is no longer considered “cutting edge” will result in mockery that might last for months and possibly a year. To put it into context, that would be like telling someone about a great new Irish band called “U2.”

144 Modern Art Museums

The majority of travel done by white people is justified by their need to find themselves or, occasionally, to serve in some sort of charity project. But when white people take a trip for pleasure they are required to visit a modern art museum.

Nothing justifies a visit to New York or London more than the promise of a visit to MoMA or the Tate Modern. So much so, in fact, that if a white person travels to the UK for seven days and visits an art museum on the first and then spends the next six watching television in their room, the trip is considered to be a cultural success.

But what about regular art galleries or museums? Except in the case of parents with very young children, these are regarded as tourist destinations reserved for the wrong kind of white people. Returning home from Paris and declaring you saw the Mona Lisa is met with the same level of respect as returning home from McDonald’s and declaring that you ate a cheeseburger. These museums are filled with sculptures and paintings of mostly religious artwork and gaudy gold painted frames that would look terrible next to designer furniture. That’s right, white people love modern art because it fits in better with their furniture. Simple as that.

Though few can afford well-known artists, white people harbor dreams of somehow being able to afford the work of young artists before they become famous. This is the same way they feel about indie rock. But unlike music, buying into the right young artist will yield both respect and financial gain, perhaps the two things most beloved by white people (see #73, Gentrification, for further evidence).

But again, even the practice of buying actual art will elude many young white people. So they are left with only one recourse: the gift shop. A white person in a modern art museum gift shop is not comparable to a kid in a candy store. They’re more like a drug addict in the evidence room.

Prints, art supplies, T-shirts, posters, books, postcards, knickknacks—it’s an entire room devoted to a collection of things that serve as evidence of both good taste and a visit to the museum. If you are in a city with a well-known modern art museum, you can literally buy
anything
from the gift shop and a white person will love it. No other retail chain, not even IKEA, can offer that kind of security.

145 Cheese

Wine and cheese are a great pairing for any white event: dinner party, gallery opening, or presidential-debate party. But, as with all things, white people are expected to have an extensive and deep knowledge of cheese, cheese regions, and proper cheese pairings.

The uses for cheese in white culture are almost limitless. It is an important part of any expensive sandwich, an essential hors d’oeuvre, and a required salad topping. Knowing your way around a cheese plate can help to improve your standing with white people in an instant. But professing a love for the wrong kind of cheese will quickly paint you as the wrong kind of person.

Anything presliced is unacceptable, anything manufactured by a major dairy producer is unacceptable, and even being aware of “American cheese” is considered highly problematic.

It is best to treat cheese like indie music in so much as it’s best to like cheeses that no one has ever heard of. Also, it’s a very good idea to have obscure alternative cheeses for common food situations. For example, if a white person says, “I love fresh Parmesan grated on my gnocchi,” you should reply, “Even if it’s authentic Parmesan, I really think a pecorino is just so much nicer. It adds a nuttiness that you don’t find in common Parmesans.” This is also effective when talking about grilled cheese sandwiches.

These adjectives are commonly recognized as the best for cheese:
nutty, sharp,
and
rich. Smoky
can go either way and is best avoided.

If you are planning on hosting an event with white people, it’s a good idea to head over to a gourmet store and visit its cheese section (don’t worry, they have them). Ask the cheese guy to recommend a plate. Take notes on what he says, then repeat at party to a rapt audience. If you are able to introduce a white person to a new cheese, it’s like introducing them to a future spouse. They will remember it forever, or at least until they get bored.

146 Therapy

Before an explanation of therapy, it is essential to explain a few key principles about how white people operate.

First, any time that a white person succeeds it is entirely because of their hard work and natural talent. It may take a few questions to get them to admit this, but trust me, they all believe it. They will tell you how they worked hard in high school to get into college, worked hard in college to get a good internship, and have been busting their ass for years to hold their current position. No one gave them a free ride, they earned it.

On the other end of the spectrum, every single white failure can be attributed to parents.

Because of this split, an entire industry known as “therapy” has popped up to help white people try to turn those failures into successes.

A therapist is a person who listens to white problems and basically promises not to tell anybody else, like the friend all white people wish they had but know they don’t. This therapist will meet with a white person one to five times a week depending on the severity of the problems.

During the session they will ask questions and allow the white person to vent all the problems they are having with relationships, jobs, and family. When the allotted time is up, the white person will pay and then return to their life.

On the surface, you may think this is something to be ashamed of and you should never ask a white person about therapy. However, all white people require therapy. The only difference among them is that some are still waiting to begin. It is perfectly normal to see a therapist, and white people are very comfortable talking about how they are undoing the damage done by their parents.

It is
not
recommended that you ask white people what they talk about in therapy. This is not because of the personal nature of the conversations, but rather because they could start to see you as a free alternative who might be able to deliver ethnic wisdom.

147 Public Transportation That Is Not a Bus

When white people talk about their favorite things about New York City, they will almost always mention the subway. They will go on and on about how they were able to get from their hotel to the restaurant to their friend’s place without a car. Most likely the conversation will continue with them talking about how jealous they are of people in New York who don’t have to drive.

White people all support the idea of public transportation and will be happy to tell you about how subways and streetcars/trams have helped to energize cities like Chicago and Portland. They will tell you all about the energy and cost savings of having people abandon their cars for public transportation and how they hope that one day they can live in a city where they will be car-free.

At this point, you are probably thinking about the massive number of buses that serve your city and how you have never seen a white person riding them. To a white person a bus is essentially a giant minivan that continually stops to pick up progressively smellier people. You should never, ever point this out to a white person. It will make them recognize that they might not love public transportation as much as they thought, and then they will feel sad.

When it comes to the subject it’s best to understand that white people do not recognize public transit as a viable option until a subway line is built that runs directly from their house to their work. Until that time, public transportation is a luxury only for New Yorkers and Europeans, sort of like opera.

148 Dive Bars

For white people who do not like to dance, a local dive bar is acknowledged as the best place to spend a night out. For those of you who don’t know, a dive bar is a place with cheap drinks and minimal decoration that was formerly frequented by those who dislike white people.

The dive bar is a treasure trove of authenticity: authentic people, authentic light beer, authentic urinals, authentic beer mirrors, and authentic imitation red leather on the furniture. In spite of their love of interior design and modern furniture, and their taste in art, white people cannot get enough of the dive-bar atmosphere. This is because white people like to believe that they are still working class, or at the very least able to relate to the noble proletariat that frequents a dive bar.

A common fantasy is for a white person to “discover” a dive bar and quickly become a fixture at the place so that the regulars will accept them as one of their own. Of course, one of the defining features of a good dive bar is that the locals actually hate the white people who frequent the bar. This is something that will become more and more pronounced as the bar and the neighborhood evolve.