Suffocate (10 page)

Chapter 22

Luke

The sound of pouring rain is making the difficulty of paperwork even harder.

No it has nothing to do with the fact that Stuart isn’t who I thought he was. At all.

“Nurse Hart,” Doctor Sheldon calls out rounding the corner.

Oh God. Not now.

“Dr. Sheldon.”

“Pleasure to see you,” he says flashing his blindingly white smile.

Bet those are fake too.

I offer a smile in return.

“So I was thinking. I have two tickets to the Opera next weekend and a little birdy told me you happened to be off.”

I’m shooting the bird when I find out who it is.

My lips fold tightly together, so he continues. “I think we should go together. Grab dinner before. A drink after. What do you say?”

“Doctor Sheldon, you’re needed in surgery.” the overhead announces.

“Guess you gotta go,” my voice tries not to sound victorious.

“I do. But think about it...” he strolls away.

On an annoyed grunt, I return to the paperwork. Clicking my pen relentlessly, Charlotte suddenly appears next to me. “I don’t think it’s the pen.”

I roll my eyes and try to concentrate back on the paper.

“Did Dr. Sheldon just ask you out again?”

“Yes.”

“Are you going to go?”

“No.”

“Wanna talk about why you’re going mad man on then pen?”

“No.”

“You sure?” she pushes.

“I’m sure.”

“But—”

“Drop it.”

“But—”

“I said drop it!” I snap putting the chart down loudly. Her eyes widen and I quickly try to redeem myself. “I’m sorry. I didn’t get much sleep last night. And I had a huge fight with my...with someone...and with the rain I know we’re going to be flooded because for some reason when it rains people think the roads are meant to speed on.”

Never fails. Rainy nights are busier than icy nights. What do you mean how much ice do we see? Can you not pick apart my sentence right now?

“Incoming,” Charlotte tosses her head as the ambulance pulls up rushing someone in. Before I have time to respond, the sight of the patient causes my body to freeze blinking away the disbelief.

“Come on.” She elbows me to pick up the pace knowing they’re going to want us.

As quickly as I can I swipe my phone open, push two buttons, and fly off behind her to do my job.

Chapter 23

Stuart

The pounding on my door causes me to wince as I lift my beer back to my lips.

I don’t give a shit if my building is on fucking fire. I’m not answering the door any more today. Maybe never again. I’ll just stay in my apartment and drink myself to death. Don’t do that. Don’t call me over dramatic. Fuck you for that.

Suddenly there’s a rattling against the door knob and I know who it is since there’s only one person with my spare.

C.J. rushes in with Erin behind him, the panic on both their faces alarming, but not enough to drag me out of how I’m feeling. “Why didn’t you pick up your fucking phone?”

“I’m not really in the mood to talk to fucking people, let alone see them. So if you could just let yourselves back the fuck out that would be appreciated,” I snidely remark tipping my beer at them before taking a swig.

“There’s an emergency!” Erin shrieks. Looking at her un-phased she yells again, “With the family!”

“Well it’s not with you because you’re here yelling in my fucking face—”

“Don’t curse at my girl,” C.J. protectively says. I roll my eyes and mock him, which forces him to ask, “How many beers have you had?”

“Three,” I answer before shrugging. “And whatever was left in my whiskey bottle.”

“Bro!” C.J. snaps at me. “Why the fuck—”

“No!” I yell pointing my bottle neck at him. “I have had enough of everyone up my ass today! So explain why the fuck you’re here or get out!”

Surprised C.J.’s mouth goes agape. Erin immediately fills in, “I’m gonna go against my natural instinct of chewing you the fuck out and say get up and get your shoes on. Luke sent me a text.”

The mention of his name has my full attention even if it doesn’t deserve too. “That said what?”

“Just our code.”

“Code?” I sound skeptical.

“When Luke started working as a nurse he decided it would be best if he decided on a short code to send out if it was family in the ER, so we could drop what we were doing to get there.”

“What’s the code?”

“Heart NJ.”

“You heart New Jersey?”

“You’re a moron,” Erin snips. “Heart for Hart, N and J for our parents. The people who let anyone into our home and be family, with welcoming arms. Something Luke has kept up since they died. Now get your shit together and let’s go.”

Nodding I put the beer down and look at C.J. who has a fire in his eyes that I’ve only seen a couple times before. Not in the mood to talk to him about what happened I push past him, grab my shoes, and follow them to the car.

The ride over is filled with nothing but silence creating for an even thicker amount of tension. As soon we we’re parked and heading towards the doors to the ER section, Erin says, “I don’t understand. Maxx and Logan are fine. The Kid is fine. Tony’s fine and Lex is in Jersey.”

“See.”

“Shut up.” She waves me off. “We’re all okay, so who the hell could it be?”

“Maybe it’s him,” C.J.’s suggestion causes my body to tense up.

“He was fine when I saw him earlier,” I admit and Erin shoots me a small wink making C.J. wary.

In a low mumble he questions, “You saw him earlier?” I nod. “Alone?”

“The first time.”

“What do you mean the first time?” his voice tries to remain calm.

Maxx quickly waddles over with both Kellars at her side. “What the hell?”

“I don’t know.” Erin shrugs. “But you know he wouldn’t type that on accident.”

“I’m kind of freaked out,” the Kid mutters sliding his hands in his jeans.

“What do we do?” Maxx questions concerned.

“We wait.” Erin sighs, pointing to the seats.

“If I sit down, I’m not getting back up,” Maxx fusses.

“Are one of you Stuart Ducane?” the Nurse behind the counter pipes up.

With my stomach now in my throat, I step forward. “Yes ma’am.”

“Your son was relocated to the NICU.”

“Son?!” They croak behind me.

In a trembling voice I whisper, “The N—N—NICU?”

“The Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. Your wife—”

“WIFE!” They shriek and I run a hand through my hair.

“Not my wife,” I correct her politely.

“She was in a car accident and is in the ER. If you follow Nurse Trina to the left, she can take you to see your son and give you an overview of the situation you are facing,” she calmly states.

Somehow I nod and drift towards the woman she instructed for me to, the voices of the family I love so faint, I’m not sure if they’re actually talking or I’m imagining.

“Mr. Ducane?” My head nods and she tries to offer me a sympathetic smile. “Can you follow me this way please?” The two of us head towards the back through a set of doors and down a fairly empty hallway, “Your wife—”

“Friend,” I correct her.

Even that’s wrong, but now’s not the time to correct that.

“Was in a violent car accident. The police will be speaking with you shortly, but to my understanding one driver was texting and ran a red light causing a collision. Your friend’s vehicle spun and had contact with a power line starting a fire.” My knees start to wobble and she dips to catch me before I hit the ground. “Whoa there. She’s in the ER, but because of the accident they had to perform an emergency surgery to remove the baby to give it a chance.”

“And...and is my son...is my son,” the words get caught in my throat as we step into the elevator.

“He’s about 35 weeks. That’s premature and right on the cusp of potential problems. At the moment he’s stabilized and you’re allowed to see him, but you will be asked to scrub up first and will be limited in the amount of time you can be with him. Do you understand?”

Her words flow into my ears but don’t settle. Feeling the liquor burn it’s way up my esophagus I swallow it back down with the fear that my life wasn’t actually over before, but is now.

Following her directions, she walks me through the hand washing process before leading me to my son. The second I lay eyes on him in his protective casing my knees buckle and the nurse catches me again.

“Whoa there,” she softly says. “Careful.”

My shaky hands land on the outside of his current home, tears silently dripping from my eyes. Politely she states, “I’m going to leave you alone with him for a moment. Alright?”

I nod having lost all capability to speak as I stare onto the last bit of hope I have at ever being less selfish. With a trembling jaw, I continue to let the tears leak out of me trying to keep my sobs silent. On a sniffle I shut my eyes and begin a silent prayer to save my son and his mother.

This might be too much to ask you, but can you pray or light a candle or kiss a lucky penny for us too?

Chapter 24

Luke

Finally having a break, I rush to the waiting room where I see my family gathered and the one face missing that should be. Upon sight they all start loudly fussing at me at once forcing the woman behind the desk to shh them.

“Do not shh me,” my sister snaps.

“Ignore her Delores, she’s in shock,” I insist and the woman on the phone returns to her conversation.

Erin gives me a sassy look and in exchange receives my parental one. Backing down she folds her arms and whispers, “She could have asked nicely.”

“You’re yelling in her office. She doesn’t have to ask nicely,” I inform her sitting down in the room beside them.

“What the fuck is happening?”Kellar says leaning forward.

“Mouth,” the Kid mumbles. When he receives a glare in return he shrugs. “I guess you get a pass considering the circumstances.”

“What exactly
are
the circumstances?” my sister pushes again. “He’s got a wife?”

“He doesn’t have a wife,” C.J. speaks up.

“Oh now you wanna speak up?” Erin gripes at her boyfriend.

“Then who is she?” I curiously question myself.

“Look, it’s complicated—” is all that comes out of his mouth before Maxx pops him in the arm with her hand. “Ouch!”

“No one is allowed to say that phrase in this family any more. Everything we do is complicated. It’s a given at this point.” She fusses.

Tony chimes in, “She hit me for it too.”

“It’s not my place to explain,” C.J. declares.

“No. It’s mine,” Stuart’s voice joins the conversation.

A small gasp comes out of everyone.

I heard yours too.

“But...I need to start with Luke in private. Can I talk to you?” he questions in such a pained voice I can’t resist him.

Doesn’t mean I’m going to forgive him for keeping secrets from me or for treating me like I was one. It just means I want to know what the hell is going on. It also means I get to tell him alone the status of Sara. It took a lot of convincing to let me be the one to do it, but I cashed in favors all around for it.

“Yeah,” I follow him back towards the double doors he came through.

The two of us head down the hallway in silence not saying anything even as we climb into the elevator. However the second the doors shut, an unmistakable sob escapes Stuart. He buckles.

“Babe,” my voice reactively says while my arms fly around him to hold him up.

Stuart’s arms tighten around me, embracing so tight I can barely breathe. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” Unsure of what to say I just let him continue to stay wrapped around me hugging him back as tight as possible. He continues sobbing the apology in a hoarse voice.

I don’t wanna tell him. I should’ve let the doctor.

The doors open on the floor where NICU is located and we drop from each other’s embrace. However to my surprise, Stuart tightly grips my hand as he leads me to the corner of the waiting area. I sit down beside him, our hands still joined, and let out a simple sigh.

“I owe you more than an apology,” he begins trying to stop the tears. “I owe you more than I’ll ever be able to make up to you in several life times, but I can at least start with the truth.” Seeing that he has my full attention he begins, “Sara and I grew up in the same town. She was actually C.J.’s neighbor. We weren’t best friends or anything but friendly enough. She moved to town around the same time C.J. did. After my final break up with Jack I went over to her apartment. Made her believe I was coming over so she wouldn’t be lonely in a new city when the truth was I didn’t wanna be alone. I had already been drinking but we drank more. One thing lead to another and I had unprotected sex with her.”

My jaw hits the ground.

Why isn’t yours on there too? Did you know?

“Which was stupid on all fronts. I mean, she’s the first and only girl I’ve ever actually slept with. It was awkward. Weird. And uncomfortable. Afterward I didn’t know what to do so I left. My plan was to never call her again, but a couple weeks later, she called me and told me to buckle up, because we were going to be parents.”

Unsure of what to say I whisper out, “Wow.”

“And she wanted a relationship, which is when I had to break the news to her that I was gay. We fought. A lot. She said some very hateful things and refused to let me help with anything. We’ve been fighting custody issues for months. Finally she threw down the final straw when said she was packing up her shit, moving back to Maryland and would do everything she could to deem me as an unfit parent. To keep my parental rights from me, and before you say that it was an empty threat, let me assure you Sara doesn’t make empty threats. And C.J. isn’t the only one with strings to pull in that department. So instead of waiting for him to come through like I knew he would, I caved. Fear of never seeing my child forced me to cave. Selfish fear of her telling my parents something I had worked hard to keep from them caused me to give in. She wanted me to commit on paper in a contract that I wouldn’t engage in any sort of romantic or sexual activities until the baby was born.”

“Why?”

“Revenge. Spite. The chance to convince me that I’m not gay and it’s just a phase...” He shrugs. “Didn’t matter. There wasn’t any reason I couldn’t sign those papers. It had felt like you barely looked at me like that before that night I walked into the ER.”

“I had always looked at you,” I confess quietly.

“Then you blew me off and I knew it was for the best. But I’m fucking selfish and couldn’t stay away from you. Even for the sake of my child,” he says harshly to himself, clearly still self-loathing over it. “But I just...you...” his eyes drift back up to me. “You’re you.”

Trying not to be offended I bite, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’ve got this magnetic field around you and people can’t stay away. And you wanna take care of everyone and it’s beautiful. Then I saw the look on your face when I offered to take care of you and something inside of me told me it was my job to be the one there for
you
.” My own heart aches at the confession. “So I risked it all. And I hid us as best as I could, but in the end...it didn’t matter.”

“You were stuck choosing between the love for me and the love for your future son?”

“I tried to have both,” he whispers slinking into the chair. “And I’m afraid now I’m gonna end up with neither.”

Squeezing his hand tighter I ask, “How is he?”

“Breathing,” he says optimistically. “I’m not sure. They say he looks better than expected for what he went through, but they wanna keep him for a few days and monitor him.” Stuart shakes his head slowly. “I don’t think I can do this alone Luke.”

With a soft smile I nod. “You don’t have to. You’ve got a whole family downstairs here for you.”

“And you?” He strokes the back of my hand with his thumb. “Do I have you here with me?”

“Yes.” I bring his hand to my lips and plant a kiss. He smiles, but I shake my head. “But I have to tell you something first.” The relief washes away and he raises his eyebrows. “Sara....Sara didn’t make it Stuart.”

His hand loosens as the air that looks like it was in his body leaves. “But...but...”

“We tried everything we could. I swear. She was in a severe state by the time she came in. I can’t give you details, but let’s just say her chances were low when she got here. The baby’s too. I’m sorry.” Tears start streaming from his face and on instinct I wrap him up tightly against me, fingers rubbing down his back as his cries pour out harder than before.

I remember I held Erin like this when our parents died. I promised myself I’d never let my family have to experience death like that again. And I’ve failed. I know it’s not my fault, but I can’t help but feel like it is. I feel there’s more I should’ve been able to do. To protect him. To save him from the pit I can see him spiraling into.