Sunrise(Pact Arcanum 2) (33 page)

“Nicholas, the love of a mortal is the most terrible, most painful price we pay for what we are,” Lorcan said, his voice tinged with honest sadness. “You can never allow it to happen. To even try to let yourself feel such a thing is an unimaginable nightmare.”

Nick swallowed. “What do you mean?”

“Mortals die, Nick. It’s what they do.” Lorcan’s eyes bored into him. “To attach yourself to them is to watch them grow old and feeble while you remain forever young. You will see their love turn to envy, then resentment, then hatred, as they are forced to confront their own mortality reflected in your eyes. You will lose them all, and the longer you try to hold on to them, the harder it will be to accept when they finally slip away.

“I can’t even begin to envision how terrible it will be for you, linked mind to mind for life with a Sentinel. A human might make the choice to join you in eternity, but not one of them. Even if you wanted to, you couldn’t turn him. He’s immune. Eventually, he’ll die, and you’ll be left alone, with only your perfect memory to remind you he was ever there.” Lorcan reclaimed his glass and took a long draught. “Trust me when I say it isn’t enough.”

Nick struggled to find words to express himself. “What does a Nightwalker know about love?” he asked finally.

Lorcan’s gaze was full of pity. “From what I know of Luscian and his methods, your conversion must have been horrific in the extreme, but that’s the exception more than the rule in our culture. Did you think we were just monsters, Nick? Mindless killers without any shred of decency or humanity?”

“Something like that.”

“You’re wrong. Even without the soul to restrain the Red Wind, there is still a measure of joy, of happiness we can aspire to. We were all human once. We remember those emotions. And after a few decades, most of us learn sufficient self-control to let ourselves feel the finer sentiments, such as love. That sense of connection is precious to us. We need those bonds of affection and friendship to keep us from becoming the ravening beasts you think we are. Without them, there would be nothing to hold our civilization together.

“Duty and honor can only take us so far. Without some warmth to soften the cold passage of time, we would all seek the sunrise after just a few lifetimes in the dark. How else could the Triumvirate have collected so many allies, despite the Court’s persecution, if we didn’t want to be more than we are?”

“I didn’t think of it that way,” said Nick, grudgingly.

“I’m sure you didn’t.” Lorcan finished his glass and then stood and moved to sit beside Nick. Taking Nick’s hand in his, he said, “Loving one of them is torture, Nicholas, worse than any punishment we could ever impose on each other. Believe me, I know.”

Nick gazed directly into the Nightwalker’s eyes. “Who was it?”

“His name was Connor. We met when I was young, not even a century old. He was everything to me—the soul I didn’t have.”

“Did he know what you were?”

“Eventually I told him, after we’d been together for a couple of months. He kept asking why I wouldn’t come to see him during the day. Afterward, he avoided me for weeks while I watched him from the shadows. Finally, he stood outside and called my name. He knew I’d be there. I came out of the night to stand next to him, and we talked. He said he didn’t care what I was; he loved me all the same.” Lorcan’s eyes unfocused as he remembered. “That was the first time I fed on him while he was awake. Just enough for the blood magic to open the bridge between us so I could taste his love for me and let him understand what I felt for him.” His gaze sharpened. “We were together for four years. I kept wanting to turn him, but he wasn’t ready, and we always thought there would be more time.”

“What happened?”

“The only thing that could happen. He died—a casualty of the wars at the turn of the seventeenth century. It was during the day, or I would have been there to bring him into the darkness with me. The pain and the guilt and the grief I experienced at losing him were unlike anything I’ve ever felt, before or since. I would have stepped into the sunrise so many times if my Master had not forbidden it and placed me under guard. The others knew the danger of my attachment. They warned me, but they couldn’t do anything to prevent it.”

“Why are you telling me this, Lorcan?”

“Because it’s all I can do for you,” he said. “I can’t save you from your Sentinel link, but I can warn you, as I was warned, against letting yourself become too dependent on him. Accept his mortality and hold yourself apart, or you’ll find yourself wanting to bury yourself in the ground next to his grave.”

Nick felt his entire world unraveling as Lorcan spoke, and he struggled to hold back tears. He had always known nothing could happen with Scott, known that without a shred of doubt his best friend was totally devoted to his wife and child. Their friendship would be the relationship to be cast aside if Nick ever forced the issue. He knew that objectively, but it was completely different to hear it out loud from a stranger. He pulled away from the Nightwalker’s touch. “Why should I believe any of this? This could just be a ploy to drive a wedge between us.”

Lorcan hesitated. “I could show you.”

Nick frowned. “Meaning what?”

“I could let you touch my memories of him. You can see for yourself what it was like for me.”

Nick gasped. “You would let me into your mind?”
It has to be some kind of trick,
he thought.
There’s no way I will ever let one of them touch my mind again.
He shivered at the memory of Luscian’s psyche as it brutally forced its way into his thoughts, the intimacy of that violation.

“If you promise to restrict yourself to the memories I offer you, I will trust you not to try to steal any sensitive information.” Lorcan smiled. “And as far as I can tell, you managed to acquire more knowledge about the inner aspects of the Court of Shadows from Luscian than I will ever know.”

“You weren’t supposed to realize that.”

“I pay attention.”

I can’t believe this. Why am I even considering it?
Nick rubbed his hands together, as if for warmth. “You’d really do this? Open your mind to me?”

“I wouldn’t do it for a Nightwalker,” said Lorcan with false enthusiasm. “But if you can’t trust a Child of the Dawn, who can you trust?”

Nick smiled weakly, but his thoughts were racing.
Well, damn. He doesn’t want this either. Why is he offering then? Could he actually be telling the truth? Maybe he’s right, and this is something I do need to see.
I’m probably going to regret it in the morning, but what the hell. He already told me I don’t need him anymore for the negotiations. I’m a Third Order telepath, and he can’t be more than Second. If he does something out of line, I’ll crush his mind.
“Then I’d like to see what you have to show me.”

Nick felt a tendril of Lorcan’s thoughts snake out to him and he responded, forming a psychic link between them. Although not as deep as the Sentinel link, it was strong enough. Surprisingly, the other vampire’s mind was warm and inviting, and somewhat uncertain—nothing like Luscian’s cold, reptilian thoughts.

Nick watched as Lorcan reached into his memories and drew forth the night he and Connor had met. The Nightwalker’s grief burned brightly in his mind as he let the memory wash over him. Nick was entranced, feeling every second of the Nightwalker’s grief and despair as the tragedy unfolded before him.
“So now you know,”
Lorcan sent wearily along the link, after it was over.
“Was it worth it? Do you finally understand?”

Nick understood perfectly. Scott was out of reach and nothing would change that, not from now until the day he died. There would be no confession of love, no flash of desire, none of the things he idly fantasized about.
God,
he thought,
he’s just like me, all alone, lost in the dark. Is this all I have to look forward to?
Suddenly, he wanted to make Lorcan understand, to share the secret desire he had held in his heart for so many years, the flame that Lorcan had just proven would someday consume him. Reaching into his own memories, he showed the Nightwalker everything—all the memories of Scott he had kept carefully hidden, even from himself.

When he had finished, Nick realized what he had done.
You fool,
he raged at himself silently,
you’ve given him the perfect weapon to use against you. You might as well have signed Scott’s death warrant.
The Court of Shadows would probably move against them as soon as Lorcan made his report.
How could you think that a Nightwalker would sympathize with you?
Tears of frustration and fear welled in his eyes.

Lorcan gently turned Nick’s head until they faced each other. As he wiped away Nick’s tears, Nick blinked at the intimate contact, unsure of what it meant. Then Lorcan leaned forward and kissed him, and he stopped caring. Once his shock had worn off, Nick responded greedily to the kiss, his hands cradling the Nightwalker’s head.

Lorcan broke away from him suddenly. “I ... I’m sorry. I didn’t ...” he stuttered, flustered for the first time since they’d met. “I shouldn’t have—” He broke off as Nick leaned forward and kissed him again, wrapping his fists in the older vampire’s shirt and pulling him closer.

Nick pulled back and stood, dragging the Nightwalker up off the couch with him. He gently pushed Lorcan backward, guiding him to the bedroom. Only when Nick had him pressed up against the bed did Lorcan try to take charge again. “Nick,” he said. “I didn’t mean for—”

Nick kissed him hard, just to shut him up. Then the Daywalker pushed Lorcan’s chest, toppling him backward onto the bed. Climbing onto the mattress, Nick straddled him, his fingers tugging at the buttons of the Nightwalker’s shirt.

Lorcan caught Nick’s hands in his. “This isn’t why I came to see you tonight, Nicholas,” he said with a hint of desperation.

Nick nodded knowingly, his red eyes locked on Lorcan’s green.
You’re not a monster, and you truly understand how I feel.
“But you’re not going to turn me down, are you?” His mouth twisted into a lazy smirk, supremely confident.
One night. I can be yours for one night.

Lorcan swallowed, unable to look away as his own eyes changed, his fangs extending as his control began to slip. “No,” he whispered, his voice deepening. “No, I’m not.”

Nick flipped off the lights with telekinesis, and finished stripping Lorcan out of his clothes. As he lost himself in the familiar anticipation of a night of pleasure, he allowed himself a single moment of doubt.

How broken am I, when someone like you makes me feel safe?

CHAPTER 42

Nick woke in the dead of night, a nightmare slipping from his conscious mind like wisps of smoke. He took a deep breath and tried to calm his racing heart. Then he settled more easily into Lorcan’s tight embrace and laid his fingers over the Nightwalker’s arm, which was wrapped around his chest. Suddenly he started, realizing he wasn’t alone, and remembered the events of the night before. He felt for the faint traces of the psychic link they had shared a few hours earlier and saw flashes of Lorcan laughing along with the smiling young Irishman who had been the Nightwalker’s former lover. Resisting the urge to pry further, he withdrew from the Nightwalker’s mind and carefully lifted Lorcan’s hand away from his chest. Rolling over to face his latest conquest, Nick gently stroked Lorcan’s cheek.

After watching Lorcan sleep for a few minutes, he slipped quietly out of bed and pulled on his discarded sweatpants before taking a seat in the chair across from the bed. He considered his opponent of the past two weeks. The whole time he was traveling with the Journeymen, Lorcan had made it plain to Nick’s vampire senses that he was interested in becoming better acquainted, but never so obviously that Scott caught on. Nick was surprised Lorcan had been so resistant once Nick finally gave in to his advances. Perhaps Lorcan was telling the truth, after all.

It was strange to think that a soulless Child of Darkness would come to offer him advice without expecting something in return. Nightwalkers usually had a dozen motives for anything they did, most of them malevolent, but Lorcan had seemed so sincere. It was hard to believe that any of his words were part of the act, and the memories he had shared were too painful to be falsified. Maybe, for once, the Nightwalker was exactly what he seemed.

On a whim, he rose from his chair and dug a sketch pad and charcoal pencil out of his travel bag. Making himself comfortable again, he began to draw, using the skills he had acquired from Rory during the Burning. He had completed a dozen sketches of Lorcan’s sleeping form before the Nightwalker stirred. When Lorcan finally opened his eyes, Nick wished he had pastel crayons as well, to capture the vivid green of his irises.
Well, maybe I can fill them in later.
He continued to draw, his eyes darting from the vampire before him to the sketch pad, while the Nightwalker watched silently. Only the whisper of charcoal on paper disturbed the silence. After a few minutes, Nick stopped and put the pad and pencil down on the coffee table. They regarded each other appraisingly.

Finally, Lorcan broke the silence. “Come back to bed, Nick.”

Nick smiled. “Why?”

“Because I asked you to,” said Lorcan.

Nick continued to smile, but he lowered his mental shields just enough to allow the Nightwalker to witness his amusement at Lorcan’s transparent attempt to wrest away control of their tenuous relationship.

Lorcan sighed, accepting the less dominant role. “Because I want you.”

Nick shucked his sweatpants and slid naked into bed. Lorcan rolled Nick’s body to face away from him. Then he inched forward and wrapped his arm around Nick, molding his body to the Daywalker’s back, their legs intertwined. Nick felt Lorcan’s warm breath on his throat as the Nightwalker laid his head in the crook of Nick’s neck.

“This wasn’t supposed to happen,” Lorcan whispered.

Nick laughed.
Right, that’s convincing. Try again, lover.
“So the negotiations weren’t just an excuse to get your hooks into me?”