Surviving Regret (25 page)

She smiled, sadly.

I flushed the last of my drugs away. I feel bare, exposed that I have nothing to hide behind now. I’ve got to deal with everything head on. I’ve got to rely on myself from here on out if I’m ever going to do right by Macy again. Even our could-be baby. For Steven. For all of us.

“I love you, Landon,” Macy said.

“I love you too.”

I went home to Canby for Christmas. It was quiet for the most part. I felt lost. I’ve been numb for so long I forgot what normal feels like. I’ve been getting high for years and not had to truly participate in life. My mom cries almost every time she sees me, asks herself where she went wrong raising me. I reassured her this has nothing to do with her. This was all on me. Dad gives me a sympathetic smile when we pass each other in the house. He knows I’m going to get help and I’m going to fix this one way or the other.

Macy and I slept together every night that I was home last week. It was the only way I could sleep. Not having something to relax me every day is leaving me with some anxiety. My biggest fear is that I won’t be enough for her. It’s not the darkness that scares me anymore; I’m used to that. It’s the light. It’s her.

For the first time in a very long time I’m seeing things clearly. I have to fix this for myself. To prove to Steven and everyone else that I can do it. That I’m worth it.

Back at school I’m sitting on the bench in the locker room lost in my own world. I know I’m not playing in the Bowl but I’m still part of this team and I’m not leaving them high and dry. So I’ve been practicing with them every day.

Cash comes in and claps me on the shoulder. “You want to have a beer tonight? Just one?”

I shouldn’t but one won’t hurt me. Plus, I’ll be with Cash and I know for a fact that that’s all he’ll let me have.

“Yeah.”

“Wanna go to Taylor’s?”

“Sure thing.”

Cash and I change and make our way to Taylor’s. It’s time I come clean with Cash. “The NCAA pulled my scholarship.”

He nods, “What are you going to do?”

“My dad hired a lawyer but for now I can stay in school, just have to pay for my tuition. I might have to pay back what they gave me too… but I can also petition to have the suspension lifted after the first of the year since the toxicity report showed such low levels. Coach says the suspension will be lifted for playing next year but could be sooner if I appeal. My dad appealed.”

“That’s not too bad then. I mean they could have kicked you out of school, couldn’t they?”

“I suppose.” I hate that I’ve done this to my life. What the fuck was I thinking? Oh, that’s right. I wasn’t. “I’m not going to the game.”

Cash frowns at me. “Why not?”

“It’s just… it’s hard, man. I feel like I let everyone down.”

“You did.”

It’s the truth.

“What does not showing up say about you? What kind of message does that send to the team?”

He’s got a point and I nod. I don’t answer him though. Cash has always been straightforward with me. He doesn’t bullshit. He flipped the tables and now I see it from his point of view and I know then that I’m going to that game. To be there for him and my brothers.

December 30, 2013

San Antonio, Texas

Valero Alamo Bowl

Being back with the team seems a little unreal and nightmarish at the same time. I didn’t want to go and I don’t feel like I should even be here surrounded by them. I didn’t think I deserved to go but after Cash talked me into it and pointed out that I was still a part of the team whether I was suspended or not I thought it was best to support my team.

Coach was actually proud of me.

“It’s about time you got your head out of your ass, son,” Coach Lander says with a smile, trying to put me at ease.

I put my hands up letting him know this wasn’t all me. It wasn’t me at all. I would have never done this without Cash. “Well, if it wasn’t for Cash giving me a pep talk… I wouldn’t be here.”

He waves his hand dismissively. “Doesn’t matter. You’re coming around, Landon, that’s all that matters. We’re gonna get through this. I promise you. Next year is a whole new season. You’re biggest season ever. NFL scouts will be watching your every move. You’re always in the limelight but hopefully with your appeal it will be overlooked.”

I nod in agreement, knowing he’s probably right. “Do you think they’d actually overlook this?”

“It’s been overlooked before. You’re not the first player in the NCAA to have a drug problem, Landon. Look at the NFL.” He laughs. “Everybody makes mistakes.”

He’s right. They do. It’s just never felt like this before.

“I’d like to actually talk to the guys before they go out on the field. Think that would be okay? I’ll make it quick.”

He smiles proudly. “We’d love it, son.”

After the team finishes with the warm up Coach calls all the players together. He gives his speech about doing what we’ve been doing the whole season.

Play together as a team.

Be brothers.

You sweat. We sweat.

Fast hard finish.

Win the day.

Same thing he’s said to us all year but today it means something different to me.

His eyes flick to mine and I nod letting him know I’m ready and still want to do this.

Suddenly I’m nervous. I’m sweating even though it’s pretty chilly in here, my hands are shaking and my stomach flips around. I’m standing beside Cash, who nudges me with his elbow and gives me a head nod. I close my eyes for a brief second and take a deep breath. This is for Steven, for me, for my team, for my friends and hopefully my soon-to-be wife if I can get my shit together.

“Landon,” Coach calls my name.

The guys open a pathway for me so that I can stand in the center. All their eyes are on me. I tuck my hands in my warm-up pants. I’m not playing so there is no reason for me to suit up but I’m here for my team and wearing my warm-up out is the right thing to do.

“So, I know most of you are looking at me and shaking your heads at how stupid I’ve been these last three years. I’m doing the same thing. I feel stupid for what I’ve done. Some of you think that this is even normal for me. I
promise
you it’s not. I’m not this guy. The problem is I’m not even sure I know that kid I used to be. Life has a way of doing that to you. If I had to say when that change happened, I’d say it was my senior year of high school. Three years ago after Canby High School won the state championship… that night I lost my best friend in a car accident. He…” I feel my chest constrict with pain. “He died because I was being stupid.”

I look around the room to the guys. Some of them are in shock. Some are shaking their heads. And some are looking at me with pity in their eyes and I hate that the absolute worst.

I shake my head. “I’m not telling you guys this because I want your pity. I’m telling you guys this because you all deserve an explanation as to what the hell I’ve been doing with over these last three years. I don’t deserve to be here. Steven should be here playing with you guys. He deserves to be here. I know some of you think I should be too, that the past doesn’t matter.” I shoot a glance at Cash and he gives me a reassuring smile. “I made a bad decision that night. We were all celebrating but I couldn’t wait until we got to where we were going. I was drinking and smoking and carrying on. I thought it would be a good idea to hang out of the sunroof. I felt like I was flying.”

My eyes mist over. I’ve never talked about that night. Once I talked about it with the police I never spoke of it again, not like I am now.

“A car was coming around the bend with their high beams on and it blinded us all. I was being begged to get down but when I was trying to get down I dropped the joint I was smoking down Steven’s back. He was yelling at me to get it, it was burning him. I couldn’t because I couldn’t put the words together fast enough. The next thing I know the car had come to a complete stop. It was eerily quiet and I knew in the pit of my stomach that something was seriously wrong. When the fog cleared from my head I sat up and that’s when I saw the way Steven was trapped in the car and how much blood was there. I
prayed
.” I take a deep breath and rub my nose. “I
prayed
so damn hard that he would be okay. That just because he was trapped in the car once help arrived they could save him.” I shake my head as the tears start to fall. I don’t care in this moment that my teammates, my brothers, see me crying. “All the praying in the world didn’t save Steven. He died before help got there. I believed I killed him. Later it came out the guy in the truck that we hit was so drunk his blood alcohol level was three times the legal limit. There was no saying who hit who in this accident.”

Cash stands up and guys make a path letting him get to me. He wraps his arm around me and for the first time in three years my life finally feels right. I finally got all of the past off my shoulders. I’m finally starting to deal.

I rub my eyes with the backs of my hands as new tears are coming, or already there. This isn’t easy to say. “What we all have here is a team, a bond, a brotherhood that molds us to who we are. I feel… no… I
know
that I wasn’t there for you all these last few years but I’m here now. I’m not numbing the pain and the emotions away. I’m going to deal with them head on and get help if not for myself, for you guys.” Cash shifts beside me, and I look over at him. He has tears in his eyes. “No matter what. I’ve let relationships that meant the world to me go and I’ll never do it again.”

All the guys including the coaches stood, clapping and then they all took a few steps closer and as a family, as a team, we became one.

Macy and Madison flew in last night but we weren’t able to see each other because Cash doesn’t know Madison is here. I was able to get them front row seats. My phone beeps and I pull it out of my pocket.

Madison:
Where are you?

Me:
At the stadium. Want to see Cash before the game?

Madison:
I was hoping you’d say that.

Me:
K. Meet me down by section A and I’ll get him out there.

I walk over to Cash, “Can you do me a favor and not ask any questions?”

Cash shrugs.

“Go to section A.”

“Huh?”

I smile. “Just go to section A.”

He looks at me like I’ve completely lost my mind. “Alright.”

The opening ceremonies and the team bands have done their things. I still have yet to see Macy. Did she not want to come after all? Is she too disappointed in me for fucking up and not being able to play?

I spot Madison back in her seat and I jog over to her.

“What are you doing here?”

“I came to find Macy. I know you didn’t come alone,” I say confidently but there is doubt creeping in.

“Oh, yeah, uh,” Madison is fumbling with the right words to say. “She’s in the bathroom.”

“I’ll wait for her. I need to talk to her.”

“Don’t you have to be on the field?”

Why does it feel like she’s trying to get rid of me? “No. I’m not playing.”

The marching band comes on and I see Macy down on the sidelines. “What the fuck? You said she was in the bathroom.”

“Ladies and gentleman, here to perform your national anthem, Ms. Macy Thomas!”

“What is she doing?”

Madison hands me a folded up piece of paper. I quickly unfold it wanting to find out what’s going on.

The note has been kissed in blood red lipstick and the words “Just watch.” Are written in Macy’s handwriting.

Chapter Twelve

December 30, 2013

Macy

I’m so glad that Mom and Dad purchased a plane ticket for Madison to get to Texas with me. If she wasn’t here by my side I don’t think I would be able to sing in front of the crowd at today’s game.

As soon as my eyes opened this morning I was running for the bathroom. When I finish getting sick I climb off the floor and splash some cold water on my face and brush my teeth.

Madison sticks her head in the door. “Are you okay?”

I nod and I feel nauseous again from the taste of toothpaste in my mouth. “Just nervous.”

She steps in and rubs my back. “You’re going to be fine.”

I know she’s right but I’ve always had stage fright. It’s the reason why I would never be able to try out for
American Idol
or any of those kinds of shows.

“Let’s get you ready to see Cash.”

It’s the perfect distraction that I need. It takes my mind off of singing in front of thousands of people. I take my time helping her get ready. I fix up her hair, do her makeup and even pick out the clothes she’s going to wear. Then I work on getting myself ready. I curl my hair like I did with Madison’s. I go a little lighter with the makeup but stain my lips blood red. After getting dressed in jeans and my Ducks jersey with Landon’s name and number on it I walk over to the nightstand near the bed. I’ve always wondered why they keep a notepad and pen in the drawer, well now I know why. I rip a piece off, kiss it and then write the words, “Just watch.” I fold the piece of paper up and hand it to Madison.

“Give this to Landon before I come out.” She nods and sticks it in her purse.

We arrive at the stadium with the passes that Coach Lander gave me. It gets us access to the locker rooms. The cab ride here with Madison was quiet. I was afraid if I opened my mouth that I would throw up.

Madison goes to find her seat and I follow the instructions that Coach Lander gave me. A few security guards stop me along the way and I just flash my pass and they let me through. I’m hanging out in the locker room waiting for Coach Lander to come and get me.

Cash taps on the door before he opens it. He looks so handsome in his uniform. “You good?”

I shrug and fidget with my hands. “I’m nervous as hell.”

He wraps me in his arms. “You can do this. When you get out there find that one thing in that crowd of thousands of people and shut the rest of the world out.”