SWAY (Part 1) (15 page)

Ryan crinkled his forehead. “Well, yeah…I thought I made that clear when I told you I didn’t want to be with anyone but you.”

“I know, but you never officially asked me so...”

Ryan laughed. “I didn’t know I needed to officially ask you. I thought it was understood.”

“I guess,” I shrugged. Wow. I
understand
that I’m your girlfriend now. I thought that was a horrible way to recognize that he wanted to commit to me. He chuckled and it made me realize the sour expression I had on my face. I chucked it, becoming straight-faced, limply looking back at him. He was beaming.

“I can ask you, if you want me to.” It might have seemed like a trivial detail, or a ridiculous third grade notion, but I wan
ted Ryan to ask me to be committed to him. To know he was committed to me.

I smiled at him in a way that let him know that was exactly what I wanted and then James, the school security officer, a
ppeared in my view, startling me. He knocked on Ryan’s window. “I need ya to get back to class. The bell’s ‘bout to ring.”

“Alright.
Thanks, James.”
Yeah thanks James! Your timing couldn’t have been better
,
I groaned in my brain.

21

On our way to his house, I stared expectantly at Ryan, waiting for him to ask me
the
question. I could tell by the way he was smiling at me that he was going to make me wait.

When I walked into Ryan’s house, my breath caught when I saw the enormous photograph hanging on the wall.

“What is it?” Ryan asked, panicked.

“That!” I pointed.

“My mother,” he grumbled. I knew she had to have been pissed about the article in
The Banner
and that this was her not-so-subtle way of getting back at me for it.

The girl Ryan had taken to prom was stunning. Her shiny black hair was cut in a bob at her jaw line, parted to the left. She had electric blue eyes, blood red lips, and pale, flawless skin. She wore a strapless, dark blue, floor length gown, which fit her body
impeccably. Ryan was wearing a black tuxedo with a tie and cumber bund in the matching shade of her dress.

My stomach tied itself into thick knots. I imagined Valerie knew seeing the two of them together would surely make me sick. Ryan stepped in front of me, blocking my view, but unsuccessfu
lly ended my bout of jealousy over it. Over her. Over the two of them together.

“I’m sorry.” He put his hand on my cheek. “You know I never would have hung that up, right?”

“I know it wasn’t you, but she’s so pretty,” I whined.

“I guess,” he mumbled. I couldn’t tell if he actually felt indiffe
rent or if he was only trying to convince me to get over it. I stuck out my bottom lip and pouted, suddenly feeling sad and self-conscious, knowing he had been out with
her
. Seeing how beautiful they looked together was hard because of the way I felt about him.

“Didn’t you see her?” I reasoned.

“Yeah, I saw her,” he grumbled.

“I thought the girl would be pitiful. You know—couldn’t get a date. I didn’t suspect you’d taken perfection to prom.” 

“She’s not perfect.”

“I wish I were
that
imperfect.”

“Annie.” Ryan’s eyes tried to coax me into dropping the subject. I must have looked like I needed more convincing.

“
You
are amazing, beautiful, smart, and funny and I’m so into you that not even your idea of perfection could convince me otherwise.” He quickly kissed my forehead. “Now I’m going to go get rid of this thing.” He took the picture off the wall and carried it outside.

I questioned Ryan about
her
when he returned. I felt I had to after seeing her. The “poor girl’s” name is Katie Hardwick. I figured out Ryan’s mother setting him up with Katie was more for her benefit than Ryan’s. Katie’s family was wealthy, old money, which meant they had the type of social connections Valerie would love. But it was a group she would never be invited to join. Only marriage granted entrance. It was embedded in tradition and snobbery and I found it funny that as wealthy and attractive as Valerie was, there were still people out there who felt she wasn’t good enough.

Katie’s mother was a socialite and spent her time organi
zing charitable events, sort of like Valerie, only on a much larger scale. Her father ran a corporation that had been passed down through several generations.

I don’t know what I was expecting Ryan to say about Katie. I didn’t find any of it surprising. She was simply Valerie’s idea of a dream girl for Ryan. I probably shouldn’t have, but I felt like I needed to know every detail about prom, so I pushed him a little to tell me about it.

“It was fine. I told you I would be miserable without you and I was, so can we please stop talking about it—
and her
. I’d just rather forget the whole thing happened,” he groaned.

“I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“You didn’t. It was something my mother talked me into doing. Nothing more. She set it up and I agreed, because at the time it didn’t matter to me who I went with. At that point, my date was just a formality. Then you and I got together and it was too late for me to get out of going with her. It didn’t mean anything. It was just one date. I haven’t seen her since.”

“Okay,” I said softly, taken aback by his defensiveness.

“Now,” Ryan smiled, rubbing his hands together. “Let’s rewind. This is not how this afternoon was supposed to go.” He got us up off the couch and nudged me toward the door.

“Wow. I really don’t like how it’s going now,” I a
nnounced.

“Trust me, Annie,” Ryan whispered over my shoulder.

Once we were outside, he closed the door behind us. “Pretend we just got here,” he instructed. I wanted to laugh, but smiled instead.

“Wow that was fun, being at the school, like, ten minutes ago,” I declared. He shook his head b
efore opening the door.

I went in and sat down on the couch, expecting him to join me, but he disappeared behind his bedroom door for a few seconds, retur
ning with a mischievous look on his face. 

“Are you going to ask me to be your girlfriend now?” I que
stioned with a big smile.

“Nope.”
He meticulously shook his head no.

“Ugh, when are you going to do it?” I whined.

“Later, because right now…” he paused to smile at me. “I have a surprise for you.” His eyes were excited, hinting at a smile.

“What is it?” I was almost laughing because of his eager expre
ssion.

“It’s a surprise,” he teased. 

I smirked.

“So, do you want to know what it is?”

“Yes.”

“How badly?” he chanted. 

“You’re going to make this hard, aren’t you?”

He laughed. “I wouldn’t do that, love.” He would, too. I mashed my lips together. I didn’t want to play anymore where
that
word was concerned. I did want to hear him say it, but sandwiched between two other words. I sighed, and then lied through my teeth.

“I don’t care what it is, actually. I think I’m just going to go home now.” I reached for my phone and keys.

“You didn’t drive,” he reminded me, deliberate smile on his face.
“How are you going to get home?”

“I’ll just drive your car.”

“Okay.” He got the keys off the counter, and let them dangle from the tips of his beautiful fingers. “Call me when you get home to let me know you made it safely.”

He’d caught on to my game.
I had to figure out how to turn this situation around and quick, because he wouldn’t be giving in easily, either. I took the keys and shoved them into my pocket, but lingered there in front of him, deliberating. 

“Can I kiss you bye?” I asked warmly.

Apprehension flashed in Ryan’s eyes, letting me know I was on the right path. “Sure,” he answered lightly, trying to seem unaffected.

I smiled and slid my hands up his chest, past his neck, and into his hair. As I looked at him I got sidetracked, absorbed in his stare, the intensity of his eyes, the softness of his features and the color and shape of his mouth.

Ryan wound his arms around me and I had become so distracted looking at him that it startled me. I shivered. He grinned for a half second, because of my reaction. 

“I thought you were going to kiss me bye,” he mumbled, almost against my mouth. He was so close that I could feel the v
ibration of his words echoing in his throat before landing against my mouth and tingling my lips.

When I kissed Ryan, I had no idea that we would end up on the couch wound around each other making out until we were breathless. That Ryan and I would begin undressing each ot
her, and he’d see the pretty, pink bra I’d put on that morning. That I would find out what Pam meant when she talked about my body feeling ready for sex.

I had no idea that feeling would make me want to chuck my plans, namely the one to wait until I knew Ryan loved me, u
ntil he said the actual words to me, until everything was aligned; head, heart, body, and just do it.

After I blurted out that I wanted him to make love to me, I
knew I’d ruined everything by Ryan’s reaction. First, he stopped kissing me and then he stopped breathing and then his hands released their grip on my body as he moved away from me. All the intensity was gone—on his part anyway.

“What is it? What’s wrong?” I breathed, confused.

“I can’t do this,” he said, his breath staggered. Then he quickly got up and put his t-shirt back on. I felt completely humiliated. I’d just been rejected by a guy who probably hadn’t ever turned anyone down for sex before.

Ryan stood halfway across the room with his back to me. Tears quietly rolled down my cheeks. I couldn’t help crying. I hadn’t ever felt so deeply self-conscious in my life. I wondered if it was the words I’d chosen that scared him away, but I felt like that’s what it would have been, not just sex.

I quietly slunk back into my shirt and sat with my hands twisted together in my lap, bent over, staring at them, wishing I could disappear or that I had driven my car. Then I remembered I had his keys in my pocket. I could make a run for the door, but I couldn’t outrun him. That is, if he even attempted to come after me.

I wanted to know what happened. I didn’t think I had done anything wrong. I mean, things were progressing in his f
avor. I wasn’t going to make him wait for me any longer.

Ryan’s fists were balled up and he was still breathing hard. He wouldn’t look at me. “This isn’t what you wanted—how you wanted it to happen. On a couch,” he reasoned, still not looking at
me. “It wouldn’t have to be on the couch,” I offered meekly, implying that there was a more suitable place nearby.

Ryan paced in front of me. “It would be
really
easy for me to take you in there right now.” I wasn’t looking directly at him, but I could see that he was pointing to his bedroom.

He moved closer to me. I looked up at him. “And I want to.” His eyes met mine, but quickly fell away. I imagined he saw the tears. He paced again. “I
really
want to,” he mumbled.

There was a reason he wasn’t going
to. “So, why don’t you?” I asked modestly, almost inaudibly, wiping my eyes.

He sat next to me, hesitating for a moment. I couldn’t look at him. I knew I might completely lose it if I did.

“I don’t want you waking up in the morning with regrets, because we acted impulsively. I wouldn’t want you to feel like it was rushed, or that I robbed you of something—cheated you out of the experience you’ve been holding out for, and losing it at four-thirty in the afternoon on a couch that my mother picked out isn’t exactly how you imagined it, I bet.”

It sounded ridiculous when he said it like that, and I did agree with him on that part, but we still could have gone to his room. “No, it’s not what I imagined, but,” he held his hand up, keeping me from saying the rest.

“Even if I took you in there,” he pointed to his room again. “It wouldn’t be right, not today, not like this. I care too much about you to do that to you.”  

I was afraid he didn’t want me to say anymore because I
told him I didn’t want to have sex until I was in love and if I was ready then it meant that I was in love with him. Maybe he wasn’t ready for me to be ready because he wasn’t in love with me. The thought petrified me.

“That’s really the reason?” I mumbled.

“Yeah,” he groaned. “The
only
reason.”

I put my hand on his. “Thank you.” I did feel better. “I promise not to hate you in the morning.”

Ryan chuckled, and then his mouth formed a dazzling smile for me. “I’m sorry I made you cry. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, and trust me; I do want you—to be with you.”

Our eyes locked and he brushed his fingers over my cheek, and then leaned in and softly kissed my neck just once before he whispered, “I’ve never wanted anything more in my life.” The words sent electric chills through me, reigniting for a moment the fire I felt before.

It made me feel good to know that Ryan respected me enough to do what was best for me. Even when I couldn’t do it for myself.

We somehow managed to recover from the predicament I’d caused and return to normal.

“Can I have my surprise now?” I asked.

“Yes. Close your eyes.”

Ryan placed something in my hands.

“Now open them.”

It was a black velvet box with a red ribbon neatly tied at the top. I knew it contained some kind of jewelry. My eyes widened and my head instantly curved so I could see his face.

“Open it.” He gestured toward the box and sat down next to me. I tugged the ribbon’s end causing the neat bow to fall open. I pulled up the top of the box and gasped.

“Do you like them?”

“Are you kidding me?”

“They’re two carats.”
Two carats
. “Each.”