SWAY (Part 1) (11 page)

“You know.
Careful
.”

“Oh.” I looked at Pam. “We're not—we haven’t.” I shook my head and turned back to look at Ryan again.

“You’ve got way more restraint than I would have, sweetie.”

I sighed. “And I have a feeling it’s going to get painfully harder, but I want to wait until I know he loves me. I just don’t think I could do it before then.”

“I’m proud of you for waiting, and I’m glad you know what you need from Ryan before you can take that step.” She held her hands up, shaking her head. “I’m not going to give you a speech about it, because I know you understand just how big a step it is.”

Pam and I had had several conversations about sex. She
told me that boys don’t always need the same things girls do before having sex, and that sometimes girls don’t realize they needed more from the boy until after. She warned that boys could be more casual about it, and selfish. “Sex for them is sometimes more about accomplishing something than it is about feelings or relationships,” she told me. “It isn’t just physical for women. Our hearts and minds are just as involved as our bodies. Love and trust and a sense of safety are keys to having a successful sexual relationship, which has nothing to do with the physical act at all.”

She’d also told me that my body could feel ready, but that if my head and heart weren’t aligned with that feeling it could leave me wounded or disappointed afterwards and that she would never want that for me.

“Ryan says he’s okay with waiting, which is surprising. He’s used to getting it instantly. I don’t know why he would wait around for me.”

Pam smiled at me, shifting my hair behind my ear. “Ma
ybe that’s why he wants to wait for you, because you value yourself. It makes him realize he should value you, too. That can’t be the case with the girls who hand it over instantly. What real value could he find in a girl like that?”

“I guess you’re right,” I mumbled. That did make sense to me.

“Of course I’m right,” she giggled and moved to sit down. “Justin will be relieved to know you haven’t done it yet, either,” she admitted passively.

“What?” I turned and glared at her. “Were you fishing for information for Justin?” I felt betrayed.

“No sweetie, I—, I just—.” She stood back up. “He’s just worried about you is all. I wasn’t asking for him. I was asking for me,” she explained, putting her hands on my shoulders, boring her puppy dog eyes into mine. “Justin told me some things about Ryan that concerned me.”

I smirked. “Of course he did.”

“He cares about you. So do Larry and I. You know that. You’ve been Justin’s closest friend for most of his life and the bottom line is that he doesn’t want to see you get hurt. But it seems from what you’re telling me, Justin may have misjudged Ryan, or maybe Ryan’s different with you than he’s been with other girls.”

I understood what she was saying, but the bottom line for me was that I didn’t want her reporting to Justin about my sex life. He sure didn’t share when he lost his virginity with me. I had no idea about that part of him. I stayed out of his relationships and he would need to do the same with mine.

Pam saw anger flash in my eyes and offered me something to cool my temper. “He and Eve are sleeping together.”

“No way!”
I gasped.
I did have a lot of restraint
. She even had religion on her side. She
really
was supposed to wait until marriage. “How long did they wait?” I asked, my tone heavy with curiosity. 

“I can’t be sure. He won’t tell me exactly, but I do know
that prom night wasn’t the first time. You can’t tell him I told you,” she begged. “Eve would be so embarrassed.”

“I won’t say anything,” I promised, but felt like I needed to see Eve, to see if she looked any different to me. I know it’s ridic
ulous, but I wondered if I would notice a change in her appearance. I turned around to see if I could catch a glimpse of her somewhere in the yard, but the only thing I saw was that Ryan had amassed a crowd of girls.

They were so absurd. Giggling and whispering to one a
nother, probably about what they’d be willing to do in order to be with him. I didn’t like them gawking at or flirting with Ryan when they knew he’d come with me. One of the girls had the word Juicy stamped across her butt, and was practically strangling the neck of a wine cooler bottle. That made three strikes. She was flirting with my date, didn’t drink beer, and used her butt as ad space.

“See, like that. What could Ryan possibly see in
that
?” Pam asked, cringing.
Something he’s not getting from me
, I thought, secretly hoping he hadn’t already gotten it from her.
Yuck
.

The longer I stood there, the more it began to bother me.
And then I suddenly felt a twinge in my chest, it almost hurt. My heart beat faster, a rush of heat sprinted through my body, changing my mood.

My breath quickened, becoming uneven. Watching those girls put their hands on Ryan made me want to do something I normally wouldn’t, something vengeful that felt like punishment,
without the use of a weapon, of course.

“Oh my god,” I mumbled as I realized what I was feeling. I was jealous.
I
was jealous, which wasn’t like me at all. I saw David with girls all the time when we were together and it never made me feel like this. I looked away from them to try and calm myself down. I didn’t like this feeling at all and needed it to go away. With skanks like that following Ryan around, knowing I could trust him would be important.

I couldn’t keep from looking again, which only made the feeling worse. I kept focused on Ryan and mumbled to Pam that I would be back. I dropped my shorts, removed my tank top, fluffed my hair, snatched my bottle from the table, and started down the steps.

I didn’t look at Ryan as I walked past him. I didn’t want him to think I was bothered that he was talking to other girls. I put myself in the middle of a group of boys that Eve and Justin were talking to.

“Hey,” I butted in, barely able to hear my own voice over the thick sounds of my thudding heart.

“Hey…Annie,” Justin said warily, looking as if he was struggling to keep his eyes focused on my face, which I found amusing. Eve barely cracked a smile, staring me up and down. I did the same to her. She didn’t look any different to me. There wasn’t a visible sign that she was no longer a virgin, like a V with a line through it on her forehead. 

She was a little green now, actually. She obviously didn’t
care for me being around Justin in a bikini. I didn’t want to make her any more uncomfortable so I situated myself on a chair by the pool and laid back. Waiting.

One of the boys who’d been talking to Justin sat on the edge of the chair next to mine and began talking to me. I suddenly felt better, calmer. I smiled bigger than necessary as he introduced himself, solely because Ryan was watching. Justin also watched us, seeming unnerved, trying to be discreet.

I allowed this boy my undivided attention as he spoke, verbally ignoring that his eyes were focused on my chest. His name was Cole Ritter. He was a senior and played football. And that’s about all he got to tell me before Ryan appeared.

He slapped hands with Cole.
Of course he knew him
.

“This is Annie,” Cole told Ryan proudly, as if I was his own d
ivine discovery.

Ryan smiled brilliantly at me, winking. “Hello, Annie.”

I played along. “Hey,” I said, my tone lazy. I smiled weakly; seeming uninterested.

Cole nudged Ryan and raised his eyebrows, saying som
ething under his breath that I couldn’t make out. They both smiled, but Ryan’s hands curled into fists. Cole nodded with certainty, making a bizarre hissing sound as he exhaled.

Ryan looked him directly in the eyes as he spoke. “That’s not g
oing to happen,” he said sharply and held his hand out for me to take. “She came with me and I’ll be taking her home.” He lifted me from the chair as Cole apologized; sounding almost desperate as he explained that he didn’t know I was with Ryan. 

“And just so you know, she’s not that kind of girl,” Ryan added before pulling me away. He walked so fast that he was close to dra
gging me behind him. Then he just stopped. Flustered and rigid, his jaw was tight as he spoke. “He’s lucky I didn’t knock his teeth out over what he said about you.”

I smiled widely. “I couldn’t hear him. What did he say?” My tone drenched in pure anticipation.

“Nothing I will ever repeat,” he mumbled, ignoring my excitement.

“That bad, huh?”
I pursed my lips, shrugging. I could imagine what he’d said. It wouldn’t take a genius, but truthfully I didn’t care. Whatever it was had gotten a defensive reaction from Ryan, which I loved.

“That was a dirty trick, you know?” Ryan’s green eyes tightened as he stared at me.

“What?” I asked innocently.

“You can’t be unaware of how you look.”

I smiled at his expression, almost laughing because he seemed a touch aggravated.

“Neither can you,” I countered, peering at his naked chest.

“I didn’t do anything,” he protested.

“Neither did
I.”

He stared for a moment; his tongue in his cheek, figuring out there was no way to win. “I guess you didn’t,” he finally agreed. I mean, what could he say? That I was walking around in
a bathing suit. Like everyone else—including him.

Ryan remained close to me the rest of the afternoon, for
cing the other girls to stick together in an angry bunch, despising me for taking him away from them.

When the sun went down and things began to settle, the boys started a fire in the pit at the edge of the yard near the lake. Ryan and I sat in one of the dozen two person Adirondack chairs Pam had bought just for this purpose. We watched one another, holding hands, playing with our fingers. It was dark enough and everyone was preoccupied enough that I hoped Ryan would kiss me again.

His skin glowed from the faint light that the fire cast on us. It subtly danced across his face and I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. He slightly grinned before slowly closing his eyes and leaning closer. We kissed at a lingering pace, and way longer than I would have ever kissed someone publicly.

Once we broke, his face remained close to mine, his eyes smo
ldering. I couldn’t help it; I wanted him to kiss me like that again. But he asked me a question instead. “Are you going to stay here tonight?”

“Are you serious?” I wondered if he was trying to be cute.

“Yes.” His eyes moved to my mouth and back to my eyes again.

“No, I’m not staying here tonight.” 

“Do you want to stay with me, then?” he asked delicately.

I immediately wanted to say yes. The problem with that is
, I think before I speak, and my head promptly instructed my mouth to say, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Ryan leaned away from me.
“Why not? You have sleepovers with Bishop,” he said, almost whining.

“We’ve already been over this,” I scolded.

“I’ll sleep on the couch, you can sleep in my room,” he offered. “I’ll even lock the door to keep you safe.” A wicked grin hijacked his face, making me laugh.

“I don’t know,” I whined. I wasn’t sure I could handle it.

“I’ll be good. I promise. I just want to spend more time with you.” The look in his eyes was genuine and honestly, I didn’t want my time with him to end yet, either.

“Okay.” He smiled. “But…there’s a condition,” I warned. The smile vanished. “Condition?” he moaned.

“No kissing.”

“At all?”

“None.”

“No fair,” he whined.

“No deal,” I declared.

“What?” he shrieked. The sound was funny coming from him.

“Slow, remember?” I reminded him of my terms. “And you kissing me the way you just did while we’re alone could complicate things.”

“Really?”
He sounded surprised. “It was that good, huh?”

I rolled my eyes at his prideful smile. “No kissing or I go
home,” I stated firmly.

Ryan considered this, savoring my admission that his kis
ses had such an effect on me, but I guess he wanted me to stay more than he wanted to make out. “Okay. No kissing,” he agreed. 

Justin appeared sad when I told him I was leaving. He didn’t say anything, but I was sure he knew I was going home with Ryan. Eve still just looked irritated with me. She told me bye, but it sounded more like
die
. I ignored her. I couldn’t help what my body looked like. I could, however, help how I dressed it, and I was sure that would be her exact argument should we ever have one over it.

17

Ryan’s neighborhood was nice, full of big houses that were spread generously apart, unlike my neighborhood. If I wanted to, I could watch my neighbors do just about anything in their own homes from almost any of the windows in mine.

As Ryan steered us down his driveway, I took in just how massive his house was, thinking that my parents, the psychi
atrists, would cringe if they ever saw it. They believe a person should live comfortably, but should also be careful not to get too swept up in material things. Something I also believe.

When Ryan pulled his car into the garage, I froze. It was the first time I’d thought about his parents being home. I wo
ndered what John would think of me for coming here in the middle of the night like this. I knew the reason he would assume I was here. Ryan spoke up and prevented the freak out I was about to have.

“This is my space,” he said, opening the door for me. His works sunk in instantly. “You live down here by you
rself?”

He gave a slight nod. I was so relieved my chances of bumping into John in
the during the night had reduced that I automatically relaxed. I didn’t want him thinking I was like one of the
Juicy
girls Ryan had hooked up with before. Truthfully, I didn’t want
anyone
thinking of me that way.

I looked around and was in awe. He had a full size kitchen and bar, a dining area, living room, and game room all in one
wide open space. It was comfortable, but slightly formal looking. I think I frowned when I saw that his dining table seated twelve. He must have noticed.

“My mom picked the furniture. I don’t actually have dinner pa
rties down here,” he explained, almost laughing.

Ryan stood in the middle of the room while I walked around, taking it all in. The colors, the finishes, the sectional sofa, which was the largest I’d seen in my life. The thing had to have been twenty-five feet long. The video game chairs, gaming systems, and the enormous telev
ision hanging above them. The pool table, the shuffleboard.
Shuffleboard?
I guessed that was his mother’s doing as well.

“This is nuts,” I told him. He smiled at my amazement, or in agreement with me. I wasn’t sure which. “My room’s over there.” He pointed in the direction of the door, and with his e
ncouragement, I went inside. The room was beautiful, masculine. I imagined his mother had also chosen this furniture.

Ryan slid his arms around my waist from behind me. “You’re the only girl who’s ever been here,” he whispered.

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

“That’s surprising.”

“I guess,” he frowned.

I spun around in his arms, facing him. “Why am I so sp
ecial?”

He just looked at me. His eyes scanned my features, the way he did it made me feel like he was hinting at something. I jumped to concl
usions. “If this is some kind of trick to get me to—” “No, it’s not like that,” he cut me off, a touch of laughter escaping. “You started this whole honesty thing,” he said, implying the misunderstanding was my fault.

He began explaining what he meant before I could co
mplain. “I feel like I don’t have to be anything but myself with you. I want you to know me completely, and part of really knowing me is being here, seeing this.” He waved his hand around the cavernous space.

“I already knew you had money, if that’s what you mean.” As he nodded in agreement, I caught on. “You knew I would ne
ver have imagined this, though.” I waved my hand around the room as he had. He was right. I had no idea he was so loaded.

“I just wanted to get it out of the way.”

“You know I don’t care about your money, right? It’s not important to me.”

“I know. That’s why I brought you here. I know you’re not se
eing me because of the money or because of the baseball hype. I feel like you would still want me without those things,” he said sweetly, quietly, but still that word
want
made my heart beat erratically. 

“I would,” I mumbled, embarrassed. I felt like such a baby, so inexperienced that I turned red, couldn’t breathe, had palpit
ations, and felt nauseous sometimes when I was with him. My parents told me this would happen, that I would feel like this about a boy someday and that it was normal. I wished I could get my brain to understand that. Maybe then it could keep my insides from going haywire.

Ryan took my hand, intertwining our fingers. He gestured t
oward the sectional and we went and sat down. We smiled and gazed at each other. He began playing with my fingers again, as he had earlier, before he kissed me at Justin’s. I know I said he couldn’t kiss me if I came home with him, but at that moment, kissing him was all I was thinking about.

Ryan reached out and touched my cheek. He cupped his hand over it, and gently moved his thumb across, and that was all it took. I sighed in frustration. It felt like all of the blood in my body was poun
ding against my cheeks. It was so embarrassing.

“You’re blushing,” Ryan whispered, smiling. I sighed again. He chuckled. I cut my eyes to his, expressing my aggrav
ation.

“Okay,” he whispered, as if he understood, and moved his hand away. “I like it though. It’s nice to see that happen when I touch you.”

My head was down, but I peeked up at him. He was smiling again, which made me smile, erasing the memory of my crimson face. 

“You wanna watch a movie or something?” he asked, and clicked on the TV. He tried to hand me the remote, but I knew just by looking at it that there was no way I could work it without formal lessons. It was digital and controlled everything in the room, so he brought up the choices and told me to let him know when I saw something I liked. I needed to be careful what I chose. I couldn’t risk anything R ra
ted, so I picked one about some kids who were dog sitters. It was PG, probably because one of them said damn or something.

Ryan looked at me
like I was nuts. “Next,” he said, without even looking at me. I was surprised he vetoed my choice. “What about that one?” I suggested. It was about a group of teenagers who solved mysteries.

“You have the worst taste in movies,” he griped.

“Sor-ry,” I chanted. Ryan continued flipping though the titles, and then abruptly stopped. He looked at me with surprise on his face. “You’re choosing those kid movies on purpose,” he accused. My face instantly turned bright red again. “Ha!” he exclaimed, entertained by the revelation. “You are.”

“Shut up,” I said. I couldn’t think of anything clever to say.
He’d busted me.

“What are you trying to avoid?
Romance? Nudity? Sex scenes?” he questioned merrily, because he knew that was exactly what I was trying to avoid.

“No,” I snapped. “I’ll watch whatever you want.” I poin
ted at him, challenging him to challenge me. He grinned, but surprisingly let it drop.

“What about this one? It’s an action movie.”

“Fine,” I instantly agreed, without looking at the title.

“I’ve seen it before. It’s free of contraband; just lots of blood and cussing.” He smiled; pleased he’d discovered my fear.

“Are you going to be like this all night?” I asked, a pinch of contempt in my tone.

“Probably,” he admitted happily.

“Fantastic.” I looked at him like I hoped he would be.

After all that, we only watched about ten minutes of the movie before we started talking.

“Did your dad call you Amelia earlier?” Ryan asked. I thought he’d missed that. “It was his mother’s name.”

“How did you get Annie out of Amelia?”

“I didn’t. My middle name’s Anne.”

“Amelia Anne,” he said softly. “That’s nice, pretty.”

“Thank you.” I smiled at the compliment, my face, surprisingly remained flesh colored. “What’s yours?”

“Lucas. Ryan Lucas.”

“That sounds so normal,” I laughed. “I was expecting Mitchum or Wentworth or something.”

“Oh, so you expected me to have a bunch of last names.”

“Sort of,” I snorted.

He snickered, and then changed the subject. “Your parents are nice.”

“Thanks. You lucked up getting to meet them. Like I said, they’re not home much, especially at the same time.”

“Does that bother you?”

“Nah, I’m used to it.”

“Do they try to psychoanalyze you and stuff?”

“Not really. When they don’t want me to do something they send me subliminal messages through psychological voodoo techniques to make me behave, like before we left, for example.”

Ryan smiled remembering how my dad had told me to make good choices. “He used to put notes in my lunch box when I was a kid.
Make good choices today. Remember to be who you are all the time. Don’t be a follower. Decide for yourself.
I do have a sneaking suspicion that allowing me to roam free may have more to do with them than me. Like it’s an experiment they’re secretly writing about in some obscure medical journal. Sometimes I think if Pam wasn’t such a great influence in my life, I would probably be pretty weird.” 

“Pam’s important to you,” Ryan stated, but almost
like he wanted me to confirm it.

“She is,” I admitted, smiling. “She used to call me her happy a
ccident.” 

“Why is that?”

“My parents were told they couldn’t have children, and then after fifteen years of marriage Bam! Happy accident.”

“Sort of like the day we met?” he asked.

“Exactly like the day we met,” I agreed.

“What about you? I know you and John are close, what’s your relationship with your mom like?” Ryan blew out a long breath and slightly shook his head. “My mom is…um. We’re not close like my dad and I.  She’s very self-centered. She thinks of me as a possession of hers. She worries about how what I do will a
ffect her or make her look. She wants me to make choices for her and not for me, so what little relationship I have with her is strained because of that.”

“Wow, I’m sorry,” I apologized, unsure what else to do.

“It’s fine. She just likes to get her way. I don’t agree with that philosophy. I love my dad, but he lets her have whatever she wants to save an argument. I don’t always go with the flow when it comes to her wants.”

“What does she want from you?”

He chuckled.

“What?” I asked, wondering if it was something terrible.

“Okay,” he grinned, as if letting me know I was in for it. “She wanted me to continue going to Brighton—” “You went to Brighton?” I gasped. He laughed; he’d expected that reaction from me.

“I went there through eighth grade, but they don’t have
the kind of baseball program that Hurst has. Brighton focuses more on academics than sports. Their teams are more like intramural teams as far as skill goes. It took a little convincing, but she finally gave in after meeting with the coaches and allowed me to transfer to Hurst. It probably didn’t hurt that my father bought her a very expensive piece of jewelry to help influence her. She practically made me sign a contract with my own blood promising to remain on the honor roll, otherwise…” he trailed off. “She would make you go back to Brighton.”

“Yep, but she was keeping the necklace either way,” he grinned. She obviously loved material things. I could only ima
gine what the rest of her house looked like.

“She also has it in her head that I’m going to be some big bus
iness tycoon. I mean, I’m obviously planning to go to college, but I don’t want anything to do with a billion dollar corporation. I wanna play ball, and if I can’t do that, I’ll coach, but somehow I’m going to be involved with baseball for the rest of my life.”

“That it?”
I asked, amused.

“Not quite.” Ryan shook his head. “She would like for me to take more interest in her social events. Snooty stuff where ev
eryone is nice to your face, then calls you an assbag behind your back.”

I laughed. I couldn’t help it. Assbag is a funny word.

“I already told you that she chose my furniture. She also chose the car I drive and regularly has clothes she’d like for me to wear delivered here; designer stuff—things I don’t need or want. I’m not complaining about the car or anything, but I’m not going to be one of those guys at school who shows up wearing a Rolex and Hugo Boss every day.”

I thought that was funny. He wasn’t like that at all.

“Anything else?”

“One more.”

“Lay it on me,” I smiled.

“It would make her truly happy if I allowed her to choose who I date. She tries to set me up all the time. I think she would already have a marriage arranged for me if there were a legal way for her to get away with it.”

I frowned. I didn’t know what to say to that. My mother stayed completely out of my business and allowed me to choose what I wanted for myself.