SWAY (Part 1) (10 page)

Brighton is a private school
.

“When I agreed, I didn’t have any idea that you and I would be…” he trailed off, smiling at the thought of whatever we were. So did
I.

“I don’t want you to be upset,” his tone pleading, his eyes an
xious. It was too late for that. I didn’t want him going anywhere with another girl. “If you want, you could go with someone else, Justin, maybe?” he offered. Then I wondered if he’d been under a rock—socially speaking.

“Justin has a girlfriend, who is also his date.”

“I know. I guess I thought you might want to go with them.” I laughed out loud. “I’m not crashing her night.” I wouldn’t dare.

“I guess it was a desperate idea.” Ryan shrugged.

“I wouldn’t want to go with anyone other than you,” I murmured. He groaned. “I don’t want to go with anyone else either, but I can’t cancel on this poor girl four days before.” I understood. I wouldn’t have wanted that done to me, either.

“It won’t be any fun at all. More like torture. I’ll be missing you all night.” Ryan reached for me. I snuggled into his chest and he closed his arms around me. “I’ll make it up to you,” he promised. “We’ll do a
nything you want on Sunday.” I decided the day after was better than nothing at all and agreed.

He quickly kissed me bye and I went inside. Still bummed, I threw myself across my bed and sighed. Then I heard a buzzing noise. My whole body tensed. I had been so excited about getting to see Ryan that morning that I had forgotten my phone, which was vibrating in ci
rcles, rattling against my nightstand. I knew who it was before I saw the number on the call screen.

I quietly answered.

“What the hell are you doing!” He sounded so angry. Justin never yelled at me before, which only made me feel worse. “I told you I didn’t want you getting mixed up with him.”

“I know.”

“Is that it?
I know
.”

“I don’t want to fight with you about this. I feel bad
enough already.”

“You should! You dumped David, who was good to you, for a guy who just wants to get in your pants.”

“You don’t know that. I’ve been out with him three times and he hasn’t
really
kissed me yet.”

Justin was silent for a moment. I wondered if he was d
eciding he could be wrong about Ryan. I doubted it.

“I’m not looking for a fight
either, Annie. I just wish you’d listened to me. I don’t want you to get screwed over.” Justin took in a deep breath and released it. “It’s what he does.”

“It doesn’t
feel
like that’s what’s happening,” I whispered.

“It’s not supposed to,” he countered, insistent.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Say you won’t see him anymore,” he demanded.

“I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s too late,” I murmured, starting to cry, something he must have realized.

“Just be careful,” he finally said.

“I’m sorry.” I was sobbing before he hung up.

Justin had done his job warning me about what he thought I should expect next. I desperately hoped he was wrong. I certai
nly didn’t want Justin to be angry with me, but I needed to make my own choices. To do what I thought was best for me.

15

Prom night, Pam invited me over. It concerned her that Justin and I weren’t spending much time together, although she seemed to be as wild about Eve as Justin was.

I was in a light mood considering the circumstances. The boy I was infinitely crazy about was with another girl, and my best friend who I hardly saw anymore thought I was making a huge mistake by getting involved with him.

Even though Justin seemed to have cooled off over the past few days, neither one of us mentioned our last conversation, or Ryan.

Eve was over the moon. I couldn’t help but warm to her. She cared for Justin so much that I couldn’t make myself hate her for taking him away from me anymore. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I probably should have been grateful to Eve. If I still
had Justin around 24-7, I never would have given Ryan a chance.

Pam gushed when Justin came down the hall in his
monkey
suit
. “Look at him, Annie.” She turned to make sure I was. “You look so handsome,” she sang adoringly.

“Knock it off, Pam,” he grumbled. I snickered. He looked so uncomfortable that it was funny, but he did look
really nice. I smirked at Justin. “She’s right, you know.” He smirked back. If it hadn’t been so important to Pam and Eve that he go to prom, I imagined he would have blown it off.

The room filled with the incessant flashing of Pam’s ca
mera. Everybody got their picture taken with everybody. She even got one of me and Larry together and we were going nowhere and weren’t dressed for any occasion at all.

Once Justin and Eve were gone, Pam convinced me to stay for a slumber party. Larry retreated to their bedroom with his newspaper and never returned. We ordered take out, drank red wine, and found a John Hughes movie marathon on TV. We lucked up.
Pretty in Pink
was just starting, which is
the
perfect prom night film.

Blane to Andie: “
You told me you couldn’t be with somebody who didn’t believe in you. I believed in you. I always believed in you. I just didn’t believe in me. I love you…always.”

We both swooned over that line—still—after all the times we’d heard it.

After the movie, we talked. She assured me that once the newness wore off with Eve that things would be more normal between Justin and me.

About one-thirty, Pam said she’d better get to bed before Larry took out an A.P.B. Truth is, she was tired and didn’t want to admit it. She told me to go get in Justin’s bed because he wouldn’t be home an
ytime soon.

It had been a while since I’d been in Justin’s room. I was reacquainting myself with it when I spotted a card on the nightstand. I didn’t consider looking at it snooping because it had been left open. It was mushy and from Eve. They were using the L word. I don’t know why that surprised me, or why I felt a twinge of jealousy over her being in love with Justin. Maybe because it meant he must have loved her back. E
ither way, it shouldn’t have bothered me. I didn’t want to think about it
anymore and considered myself reacquainted.

I went to his closet and yanked one of his shirts from the han
ger, slipped it on, then snuggled beneath the covers in his bed, put my face in his pillow, wrapped my arms around it and inhaled his scent. It made me conscious of how much I really missed him. I tightened my grip, pushing away the sadness creeping up, closed my eyes, and drifted off.

The next morning I woke to laughter and loud voices. I glanced at the alarm clock on Justin’s nightstand. It was ten-thirty. I slid my shorts on underneath Justin’s shirt and went to the living room. 

I smelled food, but Pam didn’t cook, so I knew Justin had to have brought it. Pam, Larry and Justin were sitting around the kitchen table eating and talking about last night.

“Nice shirt,” Justin commented.

“Thanks, it’s stolen.” I winked. He snickered, then corrected me. “It’s borrowed—I need that one.”

I ignored his comment. “So how was it?
Dreamy? Magical? Enchanting?”

“Fantastic,” he groaned.

“You dance?” I asked, knowing he despised dancing. Justin rolled his head in my direction. “What do you think?” I knew he hadn’t.

I grabbed a Coke from the fridge and took the biscuit Pam o
ffered me and propped myself against the kitchen island.

“Where’s Eve?” I hoped Justin had already taken her home. He motioned to the hallway.
“Washing the hairspray out of her hair. She should be out in a minute.”

“Did she love it?” I asked, cracking open my can.

“Prom was invented for girls,” he said sarcastically.

“You sound a little bitter, Justin.” He rolled his eyes.

I took a sip of my Coke and almost spit it out when Eve appeared. My eyes widened as she stopped in her tracks after catching a glimpse of me. 

She had also chosen to wear one of her boyfriend’s shirts. The same one I had on, which explained why he’d said
I need that one
when I’d hinted at taking it. Justin had two practice shirts for baseball and we were each wearing one. It was a little awkward, both of us standing there in his clothes. The fact that we’d chosen the same shirt from the hundreds he had made me feel even more uncomfortable.

“I heard you guys had a great time last night,” I affirmed, ho
ping to cut through the awkwardness.

“Yeah, we did. It was fun,” she said, her tone tense. She slid into the chair beside Justin, keeping her eyes off me. I was suddenly ove
rcome with an immediate need to leave. So I did.

I’d left my phone in my car. I hadn’t planned on staying over. I had two messages from Ryan. The first was sweet, remin
ding me how much he was going to miss me. The second was two hours earlier telling me he didn’t feel so hot and was sorry, but he wouldn’t be able to see me today. I went home and sulked, desperately disappointed.

I didn’t see Ryan until Monday at school. I drove myself because I hadn’t heard from him. He was waiting for me at my locker after s
econd period. He seemed off, but blamed it on still not feeling well. When I asked him about prom he didn’t offer any details, just said it was tolerable. Whatever that meant.

He was back to normal in a few days and spending all of his free time with me. Some of the fear I had about getting i
nvolved with him had slipped away. I realized it when Lindsay checked in, curious how our physical relationship was developing. It was moving at a snail’s pace in her world, but at the perfect speed for me.

16

I spent most of the morning considering which bathing suit to wear. I had a green bikini Lindsay had talked me into buying last summer, and a black one piece. I tried the black one on first and was underwhelmed, so the green suit won by default, but I wasn’t completely convinced that I should wear it out in public once I had it on.

It had large gold rings at the hip that connected the front and back pieces of material. The top had smaller gold rings above the cups, connecting them to the strings that tied around my neck.

It fit me perfectly and it was beautiful. Lindsay was right about the color being ideal for my skin tone, but I wasn’t sure about parading around in what felt like the equivalent of underwear in front of half the senior class.

I wore it around my room while I finished getting the rest
of me ready and occasionally peeked at myself in the mirror, deliberating. I kept hearing Lindsay’s voice in my head telling me to get over it and just wear the damn thing.

When I heard the doorbell, I forced myself to agree with her and hurriedly put on a pair of my favorite cotton shorts, a tank top and sa
ndals then dashed downstairs.

I was going to Justin’s for a cookout and pool party b
ecause we didn’t have school in the morning. It was a teacher in-service day. I was astounded when he said I should bring Ryan with me, and so casually, without a twinge of resentment in his voice.

I’m not sure what happened to ease him, but he seemed to be coming around to the idea of Ryan and me seeing each other. I wo
ndered if Pam had something to do with it because I hadn’t heard the first complaint since he let me have it after the ballgame.

My parents were home, which was odd. It was highly u
nusual for them to be around at the same time, even on a Sunday. One of them usually had a patient in crisis; threatening to jump off something or take all of their medication at once.

They had already introduced themselves to Ryan by the time I made it downstairs, and were being freakishly polite, offering him ever
ything in the world, until I interrupted. “We’re going to eat at Pam’s,” I reminded them.

“Okay, we just wanted to offer,” my
mother sang.

My father put his arm around my mother’s waist as they watched Ryan and I quietly say hello.

“We’re going to go,” I announced.

“Are you coming home tonight?” My mother asked.

“I’m not sure. It depends. You know Pam’s rules about drinking.”

“Pam is very responsible that way,” she pointed out. My father nodded in agreement. “You probably shouldn’t expect me,” I said b
efore kissing her cheek. I had already packed extra clothes and my toothbrush in case I stayed out.

“Bye daddy.” I hugged him tight. “Remember to make respons
ible choices, Amelia.” He chanted his favorite slogan as I turned to leave the house. “You know I will,” I confirmed for him.

Once we were in the car, Ryan began questioning me.

“Your parents seem to be very trusting of you.”

I laughed. “They’re both psychiatrists and they sort of have this philosophy that if they give me the freedom to make my own choices that I’ll make good ones.”

“So they don’t care if you drink or stay out all night?” He seemed amused by the notion.

“No, because they know that I’ll act responsibly if I do e
ither.”

“Okay, but you just left with a guy and you told them you weren’t coming home. Don’t they think you might be spending the night with me?”

“I don’t know what they think.”

“Dang,” he breathed, surprised.

“Just because they may think I’m spending the night with you doesn’t mean that I am.”

“I didn’t mean that. It’s just that most girls’ parents don’t give them a choice about coming home. It’s usually mandatory.”

“Not with mine.” He looked like he was enjoying the idea that I had so much freedom to experiment with.

“Where do you stay when you don’t go home?”

“Pam’s usually. Lindsay doesn’t do sleepovers—not with girls anyway.” I mumbled the last part.

“Pam…” Ryan repeated slowly, trying to place her. “Ju
stin’s mom, Pam?” he asked warily.

“Yeah.”

“You have sleepovers with Justin Bishop!” His voice boomed.

“Not exactly.”

“What does
not exactly
mean? Do you sleep in his bed?” he questioned, before I could answer.

“Yes,” I replied, purposely without detail, forcing away a smile. Ryan’s face fell. I had to laugh. “Not with him in it, silly.” 

“Where does he sleep?”

“On the couch.”
Pam had done up a guest room, but neither one of us would sleep in there. It was too flowery.

“Huh,” Ryan huffed.

“It’s not a big deal. I’ve been spending the night there since I was eleven.”

“Your parents let you spend the night with a boy when you were eleven.”

“No.” I didn’t like what his tone implied. “I wasn’t spending the night with a boy. I was spending the night with my best friend. I’ve spent more time at Justin’s house than my own over the last six years. The few minutes I saw my parents today is the most I’ve seen them in a month. Justin’s house feels like home to me. They’re my family. I don’t have brothers or sisters and my parents are never home so I’d rather be there than alone.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…it’s just the thought of you spending the night with another guy kind of possessed me.”

“I wouldn’t like knowing you were sleeping at another girl’s house, either,” I admitted bleakly. The thought of that happening hurt me a little.

“I’ve never spent the night with a girl,” Ryan said.

That surprised me. “You haven’t?”

“No.” I was relieved, but then I imagined it was because he didn’t need to stay all night.
Yuck
.

I could have asked him about the girls in his past, but I was too afraid to. I knew it would only make me crazy, and I didn’t want to o
bsess over it, so I decided the less I knew about that part of him the better off I would be.

Ryan looked at me again, his eyes careful. “Can I ask you som
ething about you and Justin without you getting mad?”

“Sure
.” I expected the kind of questions that Justin’s girlfriends asked him about me. 

“Have you ever thought about it—with him?” I imagined this was because I’d said I thought about having sex with David,
but didn’t want to.

“No.”

“You’ve never thought about it at all?”

“No.”

“You’ve never been curious or tempted?” He asked, as if it wasn’t possible for me not to have been.

I laughed.
“Never. Justin and I are only friends. We’re not attracted to each other in that way.”

I watched Ryan, seeing the wheels spinning in his head and d
ecided to put an end to his speculation. “We’ve never kissed or shown each other our parts or anything like that. We did hold hands once—on a dare when I was twelve, and we hug sometimes. Pam made us do it when we were younger, so sometimes when we haven’t seen each other in a while we will hug, but that’s it. That’s all. There’s nothing between us except friendship.”

“Okay.” He seemed satisfied that I’d been truthful, but still a
ppeared to be considering something. I scrutinized the look on his face, curiosity growing as he seemed to be in a whole other world. Then he asked me another question, squinting at the road. “So, what if I wanted to spend the night with a girl that I was just friends with?”

“Is this hypothetical or are you running through a pote
ntial list of
friends
to stay with?”

“I have friends that are girls,” he said, his mouth begi
nning to pull up at the corner.

“
You
…have girl-friends that don’t want to
sleep
with you?” I huffed. There was no way.

“Not currently, but what if I found one?”

I snickered at the impossibility, but then the question made me frown. I had to consider it for a moment, picking it apart, looking for a counter question, because I wasn’t going to directly answer that one. It was a trap. If I said no then we would be in agreement and he wouldn’t want me spending the night at Justin’s anymore. If I said it was fine then all hell would break loose.

“So, we’re talking trust?” I asked.

“Uh…um…”

I smiled. That seemed to throw him, so I
continued on as he stuttered. “If we are—then I think it’s evident that I can be trusted to be alone with Justin all night, because I’ve spent
a lot
of nights with him, some of them alone, and I’m still pure.” I gave him an absolutely angelic smile and drew an imaginary halo above my head.

Ryan had parked the car so I hopped out before he could say a
nything else, but knew he wasn’t going to let it drop.

“You think I can’t be trusted because I’m not
?” he called as he feverishly rounded the back of the car toward me.

“Honestly, I don’t know that yet. I want to trust you. You h
aven’t given me a reason not to, but we’ve only been seeing each other a few weeks and I don’t have any idea what you do when we’re not together.” I looked in his eyes. “I don’t know what would stop you from sleeping with someone else if you wanted to,” I admitted, the thought draining me.

“You would,” Ryan answered warmly.

“How would I stop you?” I asked faintly, my eyes sweeping over the sweet expression on his face.

“Because I don’t want to ruin what we’re becoming.
It wouldn’t be worth it, no matter who she was,” he murmured.

I smiled, feeling as if my eyes were trapped in his, wonde
ring how he could already be so sure.

Ryan leaned down and kissed me
like he normally did, at first, and then in a way that made my insides feel like they were hot enough to melt right through my skin. When we stopped, surprise registered on my face. He tensed. “I’m sorry. I know you want to take things slow. I hope that didn’t make you uncomfortable.”

“No—no,” I stammered.

“That kind of kissing is okay, then?”

“Uh-huh,” I confirmed. It was definitely okay. A dreamy smile expanded across my face to prove it. The kiss was sweet, not expectant of more. I liked that. Som
etimes when David kissed me, it felt like he was trying to convince me that deep down I did want to have sex with him, and kissing me that way would force the feeling to surface, and I would give in. It didn’t happen.

Ryan and I grabbed our stuff from the trunk and as we walked to the back yard, he took my hand and glanced at me, getting my atte
ntion. We smiled. I couldn’t believe I was holding the hand of a boy who threw a hundred mile an hour fastball. I imagined the girls who’d held his hand in the past hadn’t appreciated that.

Once we rounded the corner, I got a few dirty looks. I e
xpected a hateful reception from the girls who wished they’d come with Ryan or couldn’t figure out what he saw in me. I wasn’t disappointed. The piercing stares and snarled lips determined to frighten me or make me feel threatened didn’t work, but it did make me a little uncomfortable—being stared at with such flagrant disgust for no good reason at all.

Ryan knew everybody at school so it didn’t take long for us to wind up surrounded. I told him I was going to say hi to Pam and went to the back porch where Larry was minding the grill and Pam was keeper of the beer cooler, and the car key confisc
ator. 

“Hey sweetie,” she kissed my cheek, dug into the cooler, and twisted the cap off a bottle for me.

“Hey Larry,” I smiled.

“Annie,” he nodded.

“Where’s Justin?”

“Oh, he’s around here somewhere. Just look for shoulder length blond hair and you’re certain to see him.” I caught his hint. Per usual, Justin was up Eve’s ass.

I leaned against the deck railing and looked at Pam, who was staring past me, preoccupied with something.

“Is everything okay?” I asked her. She twisted my body
toward the backyard without a word. She’d been looking at Ryan, who was now shirtless, joining a volleyball game. 

“Mmmm,” I sighed. Then quickly clamped my hand over my mouth, surprised that had slipped out. Pam snickered at me and then I snickered at her.

“He is one beautiful piece of work,” she whispered. I imagined so Larry wouldn’t hear.

“I know. He is, isn’t he?” I agreed in a low, breathy tone. We took a long pause to stare at Ryan’s perfect tan body gleaming as he moved in the sunlight.

“You are being careful, aren’t you?”

“Careful?” I muttered, distracted.