SWAY (Part 1) (8 page)

“No, you are. I know what you mean. There’s a difference in loving someone and being in love with them.” I looked up at him. “It’s just hard to know the difference when you aren’t sure if you’ve experienced it.”

Ryan’s green eyes glowed, intensely clinging to mine. “You weren’t in love with him.”

“How do you know?” I countered.

“
Because you know you weren’t.” I released a soft, quiet breath. He was right. I knew I didn’t want more than a friendship with David.

“What about you, have you ever experienced it?”Afraid of his answer, I pushed my fork back into my taco.

“Being in love?” he asked. I nodded, cutting my nervous eyes away from his. “Not yet.” I looked up in time to catch him winking at me. I gave him a warning look, which he laughed at. 

I cleared my throat, making sure I had his attention for the follow up question. He straightened himself in his chair and
looked at me, bursting with anticipation.

“How do you know?”

“I know because it’s supposed to be an overwhelming, all consuming, powerful feeling that you can’t stop or control or want to end, and…” he trailed off.

“And?”
I encouraged, completely enthralled by his explanation, watching his mouth closely, awaiting the answer to spill from his lips. “And no one has come as close to overwhelming me as you have.”

It was a good thing the waiter appeared with our check because it gave me time to recover. I tucked my head and covered my mouth, smiling at his co
nfession, shocking as it was for me. I could say the same thing about him. I just kept it to myself.

Ryan walked me to my front door again and didn’t kiss me that time
, either, although I felt I would have been ready. It was really scary for me to think that it had only taken twenty-four hours for that to change.

I had a hard time going to sleep. I kept thinking about my wee
kend with Ryan, about our conversations, and what my hopes were because of the way I was beginning to feel about him.

There was so much to think about, but as many ways as I sorted it in my head; I knew deep down that it was still an abs
olute unknown. I was thrusting myself into an unfamiliar place with Ryan. It was scary, exciting, and nerve-wracking all at the same time, and so far it was going better than I expected.

I was finally able to talk myself down so I could sleep.
Ryan had asked if he could pick me up for school in the morning and I didn’t want to look like I’d been up all night.

13

“Hey,” I said quietly as I sat down in the passenger seat of Ryan’s car. “Hey,” he repeated, taking a moment for his eyes to soak me up. I was suddenly nervous. I had only spent two days with him and already felt…I wasn’t sure what it was, but knew I hadn’t ever felt it before. Ryan seemed to have to tear his eyes away from me as he started backing out of my driveway. I smiled a little, loving that. I was more at ease, then, but still couldn’t think of a single thing to say.

“You’re so quiet,” Ryan noted. “What are you thinking about?”

“I don’t know if I want to tell you.”

“Is it that bad?”

“Depends.”

“On?”

“What we’re doing.”

“We’re going to school.”

“Right.”

I felt idiotic and didn’t say anything else. I guess he figured out what I meant. “I asked you to ride with me today b
ecause I really like being with you, and I want to spend as much time with you as I can.”

“I feel the same way, but it’s scary for me.”

“Why scary?”

“I don’t want my heart broken.”

“I don’t want that either.”

I wasn’t sure if he meant
mine or his.

“Is that what you’re expecting?”

“No, not expecting. But I think you’re definitely capable of it.”

“You’re capable of the same,” he countered in a gasp, which threw me.
Me breaking his heart seemed like the most ridiculous notion ever.

“I feel out of my element…
this
is new to me and I don’t want to make the wrong choices where you’re concerned.”

“You’ll need to explain what that means.”

“You can go out with any girl you want, and you have plenty of willing subjects.” I rolled my eyes thinking about it. “I know I shouldn’t believe everything I hear, but you do have a reputation for going through a girl quickly. I don’t know if I could handle that. The possibility of it scares me.”

Ryan parked the car in his regular space in the school lot and turned toward me. “Look at me, please,” he asked, smiling when my eyes met his. It eased me slightly. “I don’t think of you in the same way as the girls you’re talking about. I know you’re di
fferent, always have. I’ve never traditionally dated before, so in a way
this
is scary for me, too.”

Excitement whirled in the pit of my stomach as Ryan placed his hand on my knee. For a moment, I thought he might kiss me.

“I have to meet with Coach Parker this morning. Can we finish this after school?” I nodded then smiled, reminded that I would get to be with him again soon. Our eyes unwillingly parted and we separated, heading in different directions.

***

I met Ryan in front of the gym after school. He had an armful of thick envelopes and catalogues. “Do you have to go right home?” he asked, opening the car door for me.

“No.”

“I need to drop these at my dad’s office. You wanna go with me?” 

“Sure. Can I ask what that stuff is?”

“Information from schools offering me scholarships.”

“Really?
How many?”

“Five.”

“For baseball?”

“Yeah.”

“Wow. How many do you have all together?”

“Nine or ten now, I guess,” he said casually.

“I must be missing out not getting to see you play.”

“I just love it. That’s all.” He shrugged modestly.

“It must be a little more than that,” I said, staring at the packa
ges he was putting in the back seat.

“Maybe.”
He winked at me.

“Have you decided where you’re going yet?”

“Maybe.”

“It’s a secret, then?”

“No, I’m just playing hard to get and don’t want to jinx it.”

I smiled. I thought that was funny. Seemed to me there’d be no jinxing that situation.

Ryan drove us downtown to his dad’s office. He appeared to be in his late forties, with salt and pepper hair, a slim build, and the same green eyes as Ryan. His face was attractive and he was one of those people who just looked like he belonged in a suit. He probably never wore anything else. He would look ridiculous in sweats or a t-shirt, I thought.

He was ecstatic over Ryan’s opportunities and although John wanted him to consider all offers, Ryan seemed to have his mind made up.

On the way back to the elevators, Ryan held my hand. He interlocked his fingers with mine. It made me queasy, but in a good way. “Are you ready to continue our talk?” he asked. I agreed and he led me to a large courtyard behind the building.

We sat at a small table with two chairs in a grassy area. Ryan r
eleased my hand to pull the chair out for me. I didn’t want to let go. I liked the way holding his hand made me feel.

I sat the bottle of water Ryan’s dad had given me on the table and took a deep breath, ready for him to begin our convers
ation.

“You were going to explain what you meant about not making the wrong choices with me.”

“Yes,” I said slowly, stalling. Ryan sensed that I was nervous and smiled at me in a way that made me want to tell him everything in return. It wasn’t fair that he could do that.

“The best way I can think to do this is to just be completely honest with you. I’m going to tell you the truth, even if it’s emba
rrassing or makes me look like an idiot. I might even say something you don’t want to hear or don’t like, but I won’t lie and I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t lie either.”

“Done,” he agreed.

“Okay,” I swallowed, readying to spill my guts. “This morning you said you haven’t traditionally dated before. Well, I haven’t dated much at all, traditionally or otherwise. And I’ve really only had the one boyfriend and we were…different.” I paused to glance up at him. Ryan smiled patiently. He was so good looking it was distracting. What I wanted to tell him was going to be hard enough to get out as it was.

“I haven’t had much experience with,” my voice became faint, “certain things.” Ryan still watched me intently. I could tell
he hadn’t caught on. How could he? I mean, I hadn’t exactly said much.

I took a deep breath hoping to capture enough courage so I could just say it already. “I really like you.” My eyes widened as I rea
lized what I’d just blurted out.

“I really like you, too,” he offered. His eyes scanned my face as if wondering if that was what had been so hard for me to say.

“I know we don’t know what’s going to happen with us yet, but I feel you should know that I’m a—” My brain stalled at that point. I tried again. “That I’m a—” I still couldn’t say it, almost as if my throat was restricting to keep
that
word from escaping.

“I feel you should know that I haven’t ever—you know, just in case we ever get to that point.”
It seemed that was the best I could do. He would have to fill in the blanks. I continued talking, skipping ahead to my actual point. “And I don’t want to waste it on someone who’s only looking to say he was first, and then dump me.”

Ryan wrinkled his forehead, deciphering my disjointed message. I looked hopefully at him, expectant that he’d figure it out so I wouldn’t have to repeat myself.

He finally smiled, a little taken aback. “You’re a virgin?” He said the word, the actual word, and so easily, too. I had danced around that word for five minutes and it had slipped right out of his mouth without an ounce of difficulty. I wanted to die. I put my hands over my face hoping to disappear because of his reaction.

“Don’t do that,” he said sweetly as he put his hands on mine, encouraging me to remove them from my face. “I’m sorry. I’m just su
rprised.”

“So that’s not part of the reason you asked me out?”

“What?” he gasped. “No—I honestly didn’t have any idea.” He held my hands in his as he spoke. “I asked you out because you’re a beautiful person, Annie. You’re smart and funny, you love ball and you call me out on my bullshit. I learned a lot about you the two months you made me chase you, but you know there’s no way I could have known
that
, right?”

I felt idiotic. He was right. There was no way he could have known.

“So you and David really never—” I cut him off. “No. We barely kissed. I told you already, we weren’t very affectionate.”

I wasn’t about to tell him that I allowed David to do wha
tever he wanted with other girls. I was with him eight months and didn’t feel an ounce of what I felt for Ryan.

“You were together for a while, right?”

“About eight months,” I mumbled.

“Eight months!” Ryan’s eyes went wide.

“Does that bother you?”

“That you were together that long and never had sex?”

“No, that I haven’t ever done it.”

“No.” His face scrunched up, his voice escalated in pitch.
“Why would that bother me?”

“I thought you might be disappointed.” 

“Why?”

I didn’t answer.

“Annie, why would I be disappointed that you’ve never had sex?” he pressed.

I realized that honesty wouldn’t be a problem for Ryan. He effortlessly blurted words that I had never even said out loud b
efore. I just thought that if we did it I wouldn’t have any idea what I was doing and wondered how he might feel about being with someone so clueless, but I couldn’t say that out loud.

“I don’t want to answer that.”

“You said you’d be honest.”

“I am. I honestly don’t want to answer that question.” 

“Aww, Annie. I think that’s cheating,” he whined.

“Can’t you just let it go?” I looked down at our hands still touching, then into his eyes pleading for him to drop it. I had r
evealed enough to him for today. He smiled warmly. “Yeah, I can let it go.”

Then I felt bad for keeping my thoughts from him. “I just wanted you to know is all,” I said lightly. He was quiet all of five s
econds and then…

“Eight months, huh?”

“Yes, eight months.” I knew what he was hinting at.

“And you never thought about it?”

“I thought about it, but I didn’t want to do it with him.”

“I told you, you knew you didn’t love him.”

“I know,” I mumbled.

“I’m glad you told me.” Ryan squeezed my hand and I reiterated my point. “Like I said, I don’t want to waste it. I think it’s too big a deal not to be in love when it happens.”

Ryan’s smile illuminated his whole face. “So, does that mean you think you could fall in love with me?” he asked, his eyes absorbing me.

“I think it would be very easy for me to fall in love with you. That’s what’s so scary,” I whispered. He had described it as something that couldn’t be controlled or stopped and I was already feeling like I could easily get lost in him. I wasn’t sure I was ready to have something take complete control over me like that.

“I told you I would be good to you, Annie and I will. I promise.”

Ryan held my hand as we walked to the car, bringing the good queasiness again. He opened the door for me, but stood in front of it, blocking me from getting inside. I couldn’t read his face, but he seemed to be considering something. He lingered there in front of me, staring. I parted my mouth so I could ask, but he held one finger to my lips to keep me from speaking.

My pulse quickened as he pulled me closer, our arms wound around each other. He smelled incredible. I closed my eyes and breathed him in. It felt good to be in his arms, as if I belonged there. Ryan kissed the top of my head, breathing in my hair,
holding me, prolonging the sweetness of the moment, and then he took his hands from my waist and put them on my cheeks.

He tilted my face toward his. My breathing slowed as our eyes met. Calmness swept over me and everything around us melted away. The breeze ruffled my hair, swirling Ryan’s scent around me. He kissed me closed mouthed, tenderly. My heart raced as his perfect mouth pressed against mine.

Our lips separated and reconnected softly several more times. I must have held my breath the whole time because my brain was screaming for me to breathe. I drew in a long breath when Ryan let me go. Electricity feverishly circulated in my lips. My fingers instinctively moved to touch them, feeling the joy captured inside.

“I’ll go as slow as you want,” Ryan whispered as he tucked me into the car. I sighed when he closed my door and then a drunken smile warped my mouth into a peculiar shape. I sighed again as I realized it was now cemented. I was falling for Ryan Mullins. I think, truthfully, I had been since the first time I saw him, but now I felt my once tense fi
ngers relaxing. I was losing my grip, beginning my descent. I just hoped that I didn’t get buried in the process.