SWEET ANTICIPATION (19 page)

“There doesn’t seem to be an easy answer, does there?”

“No, Mom, there doesn’t. I thought that once the baby was born, all my problems would be over. Unfortunately, they seem to be getting worse.”

A
WEEK LATER
, Lauren had mixed emotions as she watched her parents’ Winnebago drive away. She loved her parents very much and had truly appreciated all the nights her mother had gotten up for the two o’clock feedings and let Lauren sleep, as well as the many other ways Darlene had helped her, but it was nice to be alone at last … or almost alone. From now on, Lauren would be sharing her house with a tiny person and would probably not be completely alone again for several years.

Jordan had left for Washington, DC the day before and wouldn’t be back for the rest of the week. Melanie had just eaten and should sleep for at least a couple of hours. Lauren changed the sheets on the bed, did the laundry and puttered around the house, rearranging things that her mother had moved or misplaced. Then she went through the pantry and refrigerator, making a grocery list of all the items she needed.

It was fun having Melanie all to herself for a change. But a month-old baby has an extremely limited attention span and at eight o’clock, Melanie was once again sound asleep in her crib while Lauren tried to think of ways to entertain herself. Sitting on the couch in the living room, she tried to get interested in a new historical romance her mother had given her, but soon the book fell forgotten onto her lap. Lauren relaxed against the overstuffed cushions, enjoying the peace and quiet inside the snug little house and listening to the muffled night sounds of the busy city outside.

She missed the discipline of work and found that it was difficult to keep track of the days. One day tended to blend into the next as her life was now chopped into four-hour segments dictated by the baby’s schedule instead of twenty-four-hour blocks of time. Jordan had told her that in Washington he would be tied up each day in meetings with people from several different branches of the government as he worked toward Food and Drug Administration approval on his discovery, applied for a patent, discussed his findings with other scientists, and applied for an extension of his grant. But he had made no mention of what he planned on doing during the long evenings. As his on-again/off-again fiancee, she felt that she had no real claim on him. It had been so long since the subject of marriage had even been mentioned, that she wondered if he had changed his mind. Perhaps this little out-of-town excursion would give him time to meet new people and he might decide that he still enjoyed being single. By spending several days away from her and Melanie, he might come to realize how tied down he would be if they became a permanent family.

Lauren felt a tear trickle out of the corner of her eye. During her stay in the hospital, and especially since she had returned home, she had taken a long look at Jordan and discovered that she liked what she saw very much. His tenderness and affection were never more evident than when he was holding Melanie in his arms, or babbling in nonsensical baby talk to her while clumsily trying to change her diaper without getting the adhesive tabs stuck to his big fingers or to her sensitive skin. Only a man who was totally at peace with himself and secure in his masculinity would be able to show his feelings so freely.

Lauren was glad that there was a special bond between Melanie and Jordan, but she wished that at least some of the love he showered on Melanie could spill over onto her. It would be nice to have him around all the time, laughing and teasing her, helping her with the household chores or just holding her in his arms and whispering sweet nothings into her ear. When he wasn’t around, he was constantly in her thoughts, and when he was around Lauren had noticed that her heart would do crazy little flip-flops or she would suddenly feel quite breathless. It had probably taken only a few weeks to happen, and months to realize and accept it, but Lauren knew that sometime, somehow she had fallen in love with Jordan.

It was a disturbing discovery because by admitting it, even to herself, she had lost the neutrality that kept her from caring too much that he had stayed with her this long only because of the confusion about the baby’s parentage. Her feelings for Jordan were nothing like her feelings for Johnny. Theirs had been a young, immature love—more of a friendship that had turned into a marriage because, at that time, all of their friends were getting married, and it seemed to be the logical step.

She had been a virgin on her wedding night, and she believed that Johnny had been, too. Their lovemaking had been sweet and tentative because neither one of them had really known what to do. In its own way it had been satisfying, but there had been none of the mindless passion she felt when she was in Jordan’s arms. Johnny had been safe and comfortable, fitting into her life like a favorite pair of tennis shoes fit her feet. They could probably have spent the rest of their lives together quite happily, but there would never have been any of the excitement and breathlessness that she was sure would have marked her union with Jordan.

Lauren wiped her eyes and tried to concentrate on the sitcom that was on the television screen in front of her. It wasn’t doing her any good wishing that Jordan would fall in love with her. Now that she had come to realize how important he was to her, it would make it even more difficult to give him up. Melanie would be six weeks old in just two weeks, and Dr. Reese had already scheduled her blood test during her six-week checkup. As each day since the birth had passed and the baby had grown to look more and more like Lauren and less like Jordan, Lauren’s hopes had begun to plummet until she finally had serious doubts that he was, indeed, the father. She knew that he had become very attached to Melanie, but she didn’t think that attachment would last once he learned the truth.

Lauren even wondered if it would bother him more to learn that Melanie was not his child or that his experiment hadn’t been a success. She had no way of knowing how much of his interest had to do with the fact that he might be responsible for a birth that normally would have been almost impossible. After all, he was a very dedicated scientist and it would bring him worldwide acclaim, as well as professional acknowledgment and monetary rewards if he had been able to accomplish something so incredible. Until he found out for sure whether Melanie was the donor’s baby or his, he still had hope. Lauren didn’t want to believe this theory, but she had no proof that it wasn’t at least partially true.

Wearily, she rubbed her fingertips in soothing circles on her temples. More than likely she was suffering from some sort of postpartum depression or she would never even dream of accusing Jordan of such a selfish, heartless attitude toward Melanie. The man she had gotten to know during the last few months wouldn’t care more about the success of an experiment than the birth of his own child. She just wished he were here now, sitting next to her on the couch so they could talk this through once and for all.

As if by telepathy, the telephone rang and when she picked up the receiver, she heard Jordan’s voice at the other end of the line. A rush of delight surged through her, mixed with a bittersweet pain as he asked, “How is my little sweetheart? Is she sleeping?”

“She’s fine. I expect her to wake up in about an hour for her ten o’clock bottle, but she’ll probably go right back to sleep after that. Guess what! She actually slept all night last night. It was the first time she didn’t wake up for a two a.m. feeding. Of course, both Mom and I were up, checking on her to make sure she was okay. I know it sounds silly, but the silence woke both of us up.”

“She’ll be a month old on Monday, so it’s normal for her to start sleeping through the night. I’ll bet you can use the extra sleep, too,” he said with a knowing chuckle.

“It’s going to be a real luxury to sleep in my own bed again, especially if I don’t have to get up until six in the morning.”

“So your parents did leave today. I was wondering if they would change their minds again and stay for the rest of the summer,” he joked without malice.

“I feel a little guilty,” she admitted, “but I was glad they decided to take off on their trip. You know how mothers are, and even though mine is wonderful, she still had endless words of wisdom and advice about how I should raise Melanie and what I should do with my own life. I kept smiling and saying ‘Yes, Mother,’ but I have to admit that after four weeks my smile was getting a little forced and I found myself gritting my teeth.”

“I thought your parents were nice—perhaps a little suspicious of me, but otherwise very friendly. I think your dad really enjoyed going to those Astros games with me. I know I did. I had never gone to a game in the new ballpark.”

“Dad loved it. He told me that you were able to get better seats than he had when he used to hold season tickets. How did you manage it?”

“Oh, I talked one of the doctors I work with out of his seats. I had to promise to take his place at a genetics convention next month.”

“Whatever you had to do to get them, you’ve made a friend for life with my dad. And my mother likes you, too. She commented on your affection for Melanie.”

“Well, Melanie’s quite a charmer.” He paused and a wistful note crept into his voice. “I really miss her. It’s amazing how quickly a little person like that can get under your skin. Do you think she wonders why I haven’t been there for her six o’clock feedings? This is the first time I’ve missed them since she was born.”

Lauren’s heart twisted.
I miss you. Darn
it,
don’t you miss me, even a little?
she wanted to shout, but forced herself to reply calmly instead, “Yes, I’m sure she misses you. Yesterday evening, every time someone walked into the room, she would look at them, then start fussing as if she were disappointed that it wasn’t you. And then today she didn’t even want to take her bottle from me, even though she had to be hungry. I think she was hoping that if she held out long enough, you would arrive and take care of her.”
And I keep hoping you’ll arrive and take care of me, too,
she added silently.

“Give her a kiss for me and tell her I’ll be home as soon as I can.”

“I will,” Lauren promised. “So how is everything going in Washington, DC? Have you been to the White House or the Smithsonian?”

“I’ve driven past them several times, but I haven’t had time to visit anything. They’ve really kept me jumping here. There are about two dozen scientists applying for grants or extensions and I understand they’re only going to award them to about a fourth of us, so we’ve had to stay on our toes. I went out to dinner tonight with a scientist who thinks he’s found the secret to evolution and reproduction in slime mold.”

“Sounds like an interesting topic for dinner conversation.”

“He’s already had a documentary based on his research. It was shown on public television.”

She thought he sounded a little worried and tried to reassure him. “Oh, but your research is so much more useful to a large section of the population. How many people can get help from slime mold?”

“It’s just that he has some concrete evidence of his progress. If only I had real proof that I could present to the panel. Keeping my lab operating is so expensive that if I don’t get this extension, I’ll have to cut back to the bare bones, which will delay practical application for several years.”

Lauren didn’t know how to respond. It sounded as if he, too, knew that Melanie wasn’t his child. Why else wouldn’t he have used her for his example? If he were that desperate for the grant extension, surely he would have insisted they give Melanie her blood tests early. The panel would never have known that the results might not be entirely accurate.

“Lauren, are you still there?”

“Yes, I’m here,” she answered dully. What did this new development mean to their relationship? She loved him so much that she wanted him to succeed in all aspects of his life, but a part of her was glad that Melanie wouldn’t be involved as a part of his presentation like a specimen under a microscope. And yet, it frightened her that if Melanie was not his baby, then he might feel that there was no reason for them to plan for their future as a family. Melanie was the glue holding them together. “You sound tired. I’d better let you go so you can get everything ready before Melanie wakes up,” Jordan said.

“Yes, I think I hear her fidgeting already. She probably sensed that you were on the phone and wants to say hi. You know how females are when it comes to talking on the telephone.”

“But that’s starting kind of young, isn’t it?”

“Not when there’s a handsome man on the other end,” Lauren teased with daring coyness. It had been many years since she had flirted with someone and she was afraid she was horribly out of practice. But she had so little time left to make him love her that she was almost desperate.

For a few seconds there was silence on Jordan’s end of the phone lines before he continued in a more serious tone, “Lauren, now that your parents have left and things are beginning to settle down, I think it’s time we had a talk. I’ll be back in Houston on Friday afternoon. Maybe we could get together that evening.”