Sweet Tomorrows (25 page)

“I need to do this?” I couldn't believe Nick, the man who used me as an emotional crutch, was telling me it was time to move on. “Would it be appropriate for me to show up in the wedding dress I purchased after James gave me an engagement ring?” It was a stupid question and I regretted it the instant the words left my mouth. “Forget I said that.”

His arm, which was still around my shoulders, gave me a gentle squeeze. “Would you like me to go with you?” he asked, his offer tender and caring.

The suggestion shocked me. Nick had a hard time being around a lot of people. I'd seen what'd happened in the tavern and how the fear of another panic attack ruled his life. It was these visits when we sat in the dark when he was most comfortable. It was as if all the walls around him had been lowered and he was free to be himself.

“You'd do that? You'd attend the wedding with me?”

“For you I would.”

I wished he wouldn't say those kind of things to me because they made me weak and left me feeling vulnerable. “I can't fall in love with you, Nick. I can't, please don't be sweet and understanding.” Comforting or gentle, either; it was more than my poor heart could resist. “It always starts out like this and then it changes.”

“What changes?”

“Everything.”

“Em, you're not making any sense.”

“If you need me to spell it out, then fine. You think you care now, but eventually the fact I'm infertile will sink in and you'll start to emotionally withdraw from me. I've lived this, Nick, I know what's coming. I'm protecting myself and you're not making it any easier, so please, please, stop being so good to me. I won't be able to bear it when you leave me.”

“Leave you? Not happening, Em. My feelings aren't going to change. No way. As for keeping my hands off you, not kissing you. The way I feel about you…can't do it, babe. Sorry. I'll try if you want, but I'm not making any promises. You've been there for me and I appreciate it more than you know. When my turn comes, I want to do the same for you. You decide. You want me with you then I'm there. Either with or without me, you need to make an appearance at that wedding.”

We spent another hour talking, and by the time Nick left I felt I could sleep, and I did for a full seven hours nonstop. It was the most relaxing sleep I'd had in weeks.

Tuesday afternoon I picked Nick up at the house, and together we drove to the counselor's office. Although he tried to hide it, Nick was nervous. He sat on his hands in the waiting room, then got up and paced the area until his name was called.

“I'll be right here waiting,” I assured him.

His eyes held mine. “I wouldn't do this for anyone else. You know that, right?”

I assured him I did. Before he walked through the office door, he looked back at me just once and I saw the apprehension and fear in his eyes. Wanting to reassure him, I blew him a kiss, letting him know without words how glad I was that he'd taken this first step toward recovery.

While I sat in the waiting area for the next hour, I had time to think about the things Nick and I had discussed in the wee hours of that morning. He was almost a different person in the dark: relaxed, talkative, insightful, and witty. It was when he was forced into the light, surrounded by people, that he grew agitated and afraid. That was when he suffered the worst of the panic attacks.

An hour later he walked back into the waiting area. He didn't look at me but headed straight toward the exit as if he couldn't get away fast enough. Jumping up from my seat, I quickly followed him outside.

“How'd it go?” I asked, following on his heels, having trouble keeping up with him.

“Get me home,” he said. “Just get me home.”

Once inside the car, his knees started to bounce. I took one hand off the steering wheel and placed it on his upper thigh. He reached for it, squeezing my fingers tightly.

I'd hoped this counselor would help, but now I was afraid she'd made everything worse.

And Nick's parents were coming that weekend.

This didn't bode well.

I'd lost Jo Marie. I knew it the minute she mentioned this other man she was dating, but I had no one to blame but myself. I was the one who, in a weak moment, told her to move on with her life and forget about me. How very heroic and stupid of me. But then I'd lived a life full of regrets.

While I might have suggested she get on with her life, I hadn't done the same. I hadn't forgotten her, not for a solitary moment. Jo Marie was a part of me like a second skin. I did everything humanly possible to stay alive so I could get back to her. She was the very reason I'd managed to survive. She was the air I breathed, the very beat of my heart.

My everything.

Before leaving for Iraq, I'd actually enjoyed sparring with her. I'd often be purposely obtuse and found pleasure in unsettling her. After Paul she needed someone to shake her up, stir her emotions away from her grief.

That
someone
just happened to be me.

Jo Marie knew next to nothing about my past life and that was the way I wanted it, the way it had to be. When I'd started this little game, I didn't have a clue I was just as badly in need of having my life shaken up. Falling in love with Jo Marie offered hope. And courage. It was because of her that I'd decided to make things right with Ibrahim. Hope, I'd learned, is a heady elixir.

I'd been forced to work a deal with the army in order to get back into Iraq. Only a few knew locating Ibrahim and his family wasn't my sole purpose. It wasn't in my nature to leave matters unfinished. All the while I was recuperating I thought about what I could do to complete my mission. The answer boiled down to one simple fact; I had to return.

My going back was too much for Jo Marie to handle. She would rather sever the relationship than go through what she had this last year of not knowing if I was dead or alive. I wondered if she'd be more willing to release me to my obligation if it wasn't for this other guy. I knew this joker was standing on the sidelines, willing and eager to take my place in her life.

Perfect, just perfect.

While mulling over the decision, the door to the hospital room opened and Lieutenant Colonel Milford came inside. He must have insider information to know when Jo Marie wasn't visiting me at the hospital. That was the only explanation that made sense. The only times he'd shown up was when she wasn't at my bedside.

I'd only met the man recently, and that was due to the fact that Jo Marie had contacted him in a desperate attempt to get information about me. I knew she considered him Paul's mentor and her friend. I strongly suspected her feelings had changed and she didn't trust him the same as she once had, for the simple reason he was encouraging me to complete the mission.

After Jo Marie's inquiry about me, the military had brought Milford into the picture, but to what extent I didn't know. I speculated they relied on him and his relationship with Jo Marie to persuade me to follow through with my commitment.

“Morning,” Milford said, coming to stand at the foot of my hospital bed.

“Sir.”

“I heard you're about to be released.”

Undoubtedly he knew more than I did. “That's the word.”

He nodded and held my look. “You intend to finish recuperating at the Rose Harbor Inn?”

I nodded, although I wondered if Jo Marie had second thoughts about having me stay with her.

“I don't think that's a good idea.”

I arched my brows. “Really? And why not?”

He hesitated as if carefully considering his words. “It's my understanding that Jo Marie has strong feelings about you completing this mission. That being the case, it might be wise to have you recuperate at a neutral location.”

“I'm my own man, sir. I make my own decisions.”

He smiled. “You've never been married, have you?”

“No sir.” I wondered at the question and what he was implying. Wife or no wife, I made my own decisions, just as I'd told him.

“That's what I thought.”

“You're concerned Jo Marie will sway me?”

The lieutenant colonel grinned knowingly. “You're no longer a member of the armed services. We can't order you into enemy territory, and at the same time there's no one else capable of seeing this through. You've gained the trust and the confidence of this resistance group, especially since you were willing to risk your life to help one of them.”

Milford wasn't making this decision any easier.

“Every available resource will be yours,” he continued. “As you're well aware, time is of the essence.” He paused and seemed to wait for me to give him an answer right at that moment. He asked the impossible. No way did I have the strength or the stamina for such an ordeal. I'd used up eight of my nine lives on my last venture.

“I'm too weak…”

“True, for now. What we need from you is the commitment in order to put the logistics in motion. Once you're physically able, we can set this mission into action. All the resources of the United States army will be at your disposal.”

I knew the importance of what I'd been asked. I was to make contact with the resistance fighters and give them the ANCD codes, vital information that had the potential to sway the fight against ISIS. For security reasons, the group wasn't connected to the Internet, so getting updates, intel, and any other information to them by normal means was impossible. It was complicated by the fact that the resistance fighters had lost trust in the United States army. After what had happened when my own unit had shipped out, I didn't blame them. Fortunately, their group leader knew me and trusted me, and to further cement the deal, he was related to Ibrahim.

Milford continued to hold my look as if the intensity of his stare would be enough to persuade me. “We've been in touch with Ibrahim and he's agreed to accompany you.”

If he assumed that was incentive, then he was wrong.

“Absolutely not.” That was the last thing I wanted to see happen. I refused to risk Ibrahim's life. If I did return, I would go alone.

Milford shifted his feet as if recognizing he was losing ground. “I've been told that because of the importance of this assignment that a grateful country would be willing to make this worth your while.”

I snickered. “I don't need you to sweeten the pot.” I wasn't a man who could be bought. Milford needed to understand this decision wasn't about money. This was about life, my life, and more important any hope I had of a future with Jo Marie.

He named a figure that guaranteed I wouldn't need to work for the next fifty years.

I raised my hand, stopping him from continuing. “I don't want anything.”

Triumph flared in his eyes. “Does this mean you'll—”

“It means,” I said, cutting him off, “the same thing it did yesterday and the day before that. I'll consider it, but for right now that's all I'm willing to do.”

The sound of the door opening distracted me. Glancing up, I saw Jo Marie framed in the open doorway. Her gaze flew from me to Lieutenant Colonel Milford. She cautiously moved into the room.

“Dennis,” she said slowly and acknowledged him with a slight dip of her head.

“Jo Marie,” Milford returned, and his entire demeanor changed. The stiffness left his shoulders, and the intensity that had marked his face seconds earlier vanished. He greeted Jo Marie with a warm smile as if the two of us had been discussing the latest updates on the Seahawks football team.

Knowing Jo Marie as well as I did, I could tell she wasn't fooled. Crossing her arms, she offered Milford a tight smile.

“Our boy seems to be recovering well, don't you think?” Milford said casually.

Jo Marie ignored the question.

“I learned he's being discharged this morning.”

Again she didn't respond.

The silence grew uncomfortable.

Milford's smile dimmed. “I was just telling Mark that the army has made accommodations for him following his release.”

Immediately Jo Marie's heated gaze shot to me.

“And I was explaining to the lieutenant colonel that while I appreciated the gesture, I'd already made other arrangements.” I looked pointedly at the other man. “I'll be staying at the Rose Harbor Inn.”

“Nonsense,” he argued. “There's no need to put Jo Marie out.”

“He isn't,” she assured him quickly. “I've got everything prepared for his arrival.”

“I'll be with Jo Marie.” I didn't leave room for any misunderstanding.

Given no other choice, Milford nodded. “Then I'll leave you two to make your plans.”

“Good,” Jo Marie murmured, letting it be known she was happy to see him go.

Milford held my gaze in a pointed stare before he turned to leave. “I'll be in touch,” he said on his way out the door.

The tension he left behind was as thick as tar.

Jo Marie remained standing at the far end of the bed, her arms tightly crossed over her chest. “Does Dennis stop by often?”

“Often enough.” I didn't see the need to add gasoline to the fire.

“Has he pressured you?”

I shrugged.

“Bribed you?”

“He tried,” I said, amused.

“Threatened you?”

“No. The only threats I've gotten have come from you.”

At my words she blinked hard. “Are…are you going to do it?” she asked and seemed to brace herself for my answer.

“I don't know.”

She accepted that but not easily. I noticed how hard she swallowed. “When will you decide?”

“Soon.”

Again the hard swallow before she relaxed her stance as though a heaviness weighed her down. “You've changed, Mark.”

What she said was true. “We both have. I'm free of the burden I carried, the guilt and the regret.” That explained some of the difference, but not all. “Doing right by Ibrahim has changed me, but, Jo Marie, you need to understand that while I might not be the man you remember, the way I feel about you, the way I love you, is as strong now as it ever was.”

As though embarrassed, she angrily swiped away the moisture that rolled down her cheeks. “I…I had this naïve idea that if you managed to live through this ordeal that you'd return to the inn…and that the two of us would be a couple and manage the inn together.”

I stretched out my hand, wanting, needing, her to move closer to me. My heart sank. While working as a handyman I'd been in hiding from the world, but mostly from myself. Woodworking had kept me sane, but I had other skills, other plans now.

“You're not a handyman, are you, Mark?” she asked, her voice cracking.

“No.”

“You'd never be happy living with me and working at the inn. That's not who you are any longer. Maybe it's not who you ever were.”

“Jo Marie,” I whispered. Seeing her cry was breaking my heart. “I'd be happy with you no matter where we lived. Don't you realize how much I love you; how important you are to me?”

I tossed aside the sheet. If she wouldn't come to me, then I was going to her even if it meant falling flat on my face, which, unfortunately, was a distinct possibility. Swinging my legs over the side of the bed, I started to slide off the mattress.

“Mark,” she cried, “are you crazy? What are you doing?” In a flash she was at my side.

“Coming to you.”

“Stop.”

Wrapping my arms around her waist, I brought her into my embrace. “Don't you understand,” I said, kissing the sensitive area behind her ear. Her scent was heady enough to make me lose my train of thought. “I want to marry you, Jo Marie. And God willing, I hope one day that we'll have children together.”

Her shoulders shook with tears as she wrapped her arms around my neck and clung to me.

“I know I'm weak now, and I don't have a lot to offer you…”

“Don't be ridiculous. You'll get strong and I'll fatten you up,” she promised. “You're everything I've ever wanted. Don't you dare say you have nothing to offer me.”