Sweetest Taboo (22 page)

***

James was already parked in the dusty parking lot when I arrived. Tom had delayed me by lingering at my locker making small talk. He wanted to be sure he would see me at graduation later that evening and above all, he wanted to know if I would have an extra thirty minutes after graduation to spend with him. Unfortunately, I had to turn Tom down because I had already made plans to hang with Liz after graduation and spend the night at her house. Tom was disappointed but assured me that seeing me at graduation would be enough to get him through the weekend.

In my denim short shorts and a cream colored, fitted v-cut tank top, which just barely revealed my developing cleavage to anyone who stood taller than me, I walked casually from my car to James’ small black sports car. James was nothing like Tom, and he did not exhibit Tom’s patience either. Rather than waiting for me in his car, I saw James pacing around his sports car as I drove up to the empty lot. Recognizing my car, he stopped and waited for me to park and walk over to where he was. In fitted jeans, which embellished his perfectly shaped behind that he was famous for, he resembled a Roman warrior, strong and proud. James always seemed to stand with purpose, and today was no different.

“Hi there,” I smiled as I walked up to him.

James looked at me and smiled, exposing his perfectly straight and ultra-white teeth. “Well, are you ready to drive up, Isabel?”

“Okay, do you want to drive or should I?”

James walked over to his car’s passenger door and opened it for me, waiting until I was comfortably seated inside the sporty leather bucket seat to close the door. As James made his way from my door to his, I inadvertently wondered when his fiancé had last sat in this seat. Had he just dropped her off at home and then driven here to meet me? My thoughts quickly jumped from James’ fiancé to Tom. What if Tom drove by and saw my car parked at the base of the mountains? What would he think? What would he say? I should have offered to drive up. Tom lived just minutes away from this mountain road, and it was possible for him to drive home and pass by the parking lot, wasn’t it? If that were to occur, Tom would recognize my car and put two and two together. The mere idea of Tom finding out I was in our sacred mountain retreat with another guy made my skin crawl and instantly, I felt as white as a ghost.

James interrupted my thoughts abruptly, “Hey, Isabel, did you hear about O.J. Simpson today?”

I was in a confused state of neither here nor there. “I don’t know,” I answered indifferently, “What are you talking about?”

James continued to drive up the winding road; he drove harshly and quickly as if time were of the essence. Glancing at me from time to time, he continued, “O.J. Simpson. It was all over the news today. O.J.’s ex-wife and her friend were murdered last night in Brentwood. Apparently, the cops think O.J. murdered them in a rage. It’s insane!”

I didn’t understand the significance of these events, “Who’s O.J. Simpson?” I asked innocently.

James looked at me incredulously as he made an abrupt, tight turn, “Are you kidding me? You don’t know who O.J. is? He’s a football legend.”

“Oh, I don’t follow sports,” feeling vindicated, I continued, “although, I know all the famous football players, like Pelé and Maradona.”

“No, not soccer. I’m talking about American football. O.J. was a famous football player. He’s a millionaire,” James stressed.

Still unmoved by the news, I said, “Oh, okay. So it’s a big deal that he killed his ex-wife and her friend. I guess that makes sense. I’ve been at school, so I haven’t heard about it yet.”

“Well, it’s going to be a huge case, I’m sure of it. O.J.’s pretty important in the sports world and his wife comes from a well-to-do family, so they’re not going to rest until O.J. hangs for the murders.”

Playing devil’s advocate, I had to ask, “Maybe he didn’t do it. You know, cops are notorious for framing minorities, especially in L.A.”

James and I continued to engage in small talk for about twenty minutes, until he finally pointed to a look-out-point, “So, Isabel, do you think we should park over there? I don’t want to drive forever because I know you have to get going in an hour or so.”

I nodded my head in affirmation, “Sure, we can stop there.” I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized that we had passed the small dirt road that led to the shady green spot where Tom and I would park for hours and enjoy our intimate love making sessions. James had pulled up to a traditional look-out-point, which was very exposed. I opened my door first, and James followed. We walked at a distance from each other toward the edge of the look-out-point. James and I stood at the edge, looking down toward the hazy valley that rested below. We were both silent and I could only guess that he was as nervous as I was. The green leaves of the trees nearby were rustling with the gentle, warm breeze that was blowing. The scent of soil and vegetation reminded me of Tom, of our time spent together in these mountains. What was I doing up here with this guy? I asked myself. It was still unclear to me what would happen next, and sensing the awkwardness of the moment, I asked, “What time is it, James?”

Rather than verbalize the time, James raised his bare arm to show me the time on his wristwatch. As if possessed by an unfamiliar aggressive instinct, I took his wrist in my hand and looked up at him. The look I gave him must have communicated, “kiss me right now!” because James’ lips came crashing down on mine. My mind was spinning as I felt his tongue clumsily searching for mine. Was this really happening? Was I really standing over this precipice in the arms of this guy, who was my former supervisor and also very much engaged? The senses that rushed through my body confirmed that these unbelievable events were actually unfolding. James was kissing me passionately, but awkwardly. His tongue felt small and inept in my mouth; his lips were firm and tight, not soft and relaxed as Tom’s were; and his hands were searching the curves of my body tensely. It was immediately clear to me that I was not enjoying the moment with James; in fact, I wanted the kissing and the groping to cease at once. My lips did not conform to his, but rather were repelled; my tongue did not move in tandem with his, it made every attempt to deter the incursion; and my hands did not involuntarily explore his body with tenderness; instead, they remained limp and lifeless at my sides.

James must have noticed my general lack of interest because after his attempt at a prolonged kiss, he slowly pulled away and looked down at the valley below.

I wanted to flee the situation as soon as possible. “We should get going, James. I’ve still got to get home and shower before graduation tonight. I don’t want to be late because I’ve got a lot of close friends graduating and chances are, I won’t see them again after tonight.”

“I thought you were just a junior?” James asked, perplexed by my insistence on arriving at graduation on time.

“I’m not graduating tonight, I
am
a junior, but I have friends that are seniors and I want to see them graduate.”

James didn’t reply, he simply walked back to his car and turned on the ignition. I quickly followed and sat in the passenger seat next to him. I’ll never know if James’ ego was bruised or if he was just sulking because he wanted to spend more time with me, but from the moment we got into his car to the moment he dropped me off at the parking lot, words were not exchanged. Instead, James turned up the radio and listened to the news unfolding about the O.J. case, which I was completely disinterested in. At the base of the mountain, I hastily moved to open the door to get out of James’ car as fast as possible. He grabbed my left arm brutishly, however, and said, “Don’t I get a goodbye kiss?”

If that was the only way to flee the scene quickly, then so be it. Before getting out of the car, I reached over and forced a smile, then rested my lips lightly on his. James was not satisfied with the light peck so he firmly gripped the back of my head with his left hand and forced my mouth open with his commanding tongue. I feverishly whipped my tongue around in his mouth for a moment and then struggled to get free.

“I have to go. See you later,” I said in haste jumping out of his car.

Fortunately for me, James didn’t get out of his car; he simply waited for me to get into my car. He rolled down his passenger window and shouted out, “Bye, Isabel! I’ll call you later.”

James was true to his promise. During the two weeks that led up to his wedding day, he called my house nearly every day, but I had diligently protected myself from James by telling my mom that I was not answering any of his phone calls. To my delight, it was no coincidence that James’ incessant phone calls ceased following his wedding day.

Chapter Twenty

Just Like Heaven

S
oon Tom and I were back to our normal schedule. We met at the coffee shop down the road, or the local library, or the market on the corner, and drove to the mountains together. I fell more and more in love with him, and found ways to push away the guilt and concern over the situation. I also found a way to believe that Tom and his wife were just roommates, as he had alluded to on several occasions.

“I don’t even love her anymore, to be honest,” he told me as we drove up the mountain. “I wish she would divorce me, but I’ve asked and she’s refused. I don’t know what to do about it. If it weren’t for the girls, I would just leave.”

I nodded, trying not to think about the fact that he had a wife and kids at home. We tried not to talk about them, since they brought our moods down, but Liz asked about them fairly often. If he loved me so much, and wanted me so badly, why was he still with her? Why did they still sleep in the same bed? Why was he working so hard to keep her in the dark about his true feelings?

“Don’t you think it would be better for you if you talked to her about it?” I asked quietly. “I mean, tell her that you don’t love her anymore. Surely she doesn’t want to stay in a marriage that’s devoid of love?”

Tom reached a convenient parking place and turned off the engine, turning to me. “Are you complaining?” he asked quietly. “You’re not satisfied with the way things are? You know we could never be together, Isabel, even if I wasn’t married. Not until you turn eighteen, and even then it would be frowned upon. Being married gives me a convenient cover, surely you can see that. It means that other people suspect me less.” He paused and gave me one of his charming grins. “I’m happily married, with two kids. Why on earth would I be involved with a student?”

I faked a smile, knowing that he was trying to make me feel better, but something in my heart cracked. He was joking, I thought, though there was too much truth in the joke for it to be truly funny. His joke was too close to reality and I found nothing entertaining about it.

“Danielle isn’t responsive or affectionate. It’s just totally different … she’s like my roommate. Isabel, it has always been you. There has never been anyone else, you know that,” Tom said quietly as he parked under the canopy in our secret spot off the main winding mountain road. I nodded, praying that he was telling me the truth, and allowed him to pull me onto his lap. Before long, I forgot to think at all.

***

Junior year came to an end, and I breathed a sigh of relief at the onset of summer. This gave me more time to spend with Tom, and less time in the public eye. One late June afternoon, though, my mom confronted me in the driveway. I was on my way back from Tom’s house, and had spotted her in the front yard from a block away, so she didn’t surprise me. What she had, though, spelled an end to my pleasant reverie.

She was holding a stack of envelopes in her hand and stormed toward the car, shouting at me to get out of the car. She glared down at me, her chest heaving under her perfectly tailored business coat. “What is your problem? Do you have no sense of responsibility?”

“What is it, Ma? What are you talking about?” I asked, glancing at the envelopes in her hand. What had she found? Had I been careless and left some of the letters out? My eyes jumped back up to her face, afraid of what I might see there.

My mother waved an envelope in my face. “Were you not going to say anything about this parking ticket, Isabel? Did you think it would just go away? Tell me, when and where did you get this ticket?”

The parking ticket! From my night at Tom’s house! Tom had said he would take care of it. Had he forgotten?

The lies came effortlessly. “No, Mami, don’t get mad, it’s nothing. I didn’t want to tell you because it was just a parking ticket. When you went to Yosemite, I spent the night at Liz’s house and I didn’t know you couldn’t park on the street in her neighborhood. So the next morning when I drove home I saw the ticket on my windshield. I just went to the post office, bought a money order and mailed it with the citation. I swear. I paid for it. I don’t know why they sent a notice when I’ve already paid for it!”

My mom handed me the folded summons. “Isabel, they wouldn’t send this if you’ve already paid for the ticket. Now you’ve been fined for not paying. This $50 is coming out of your next allowance, you hear me?”

“Okay, Mami, that’s fine. I promise I was trying to be responsible. Maybe I just didn’t send the money order correctly. It was the first time I ever filled one out. I don’t know.”

My mother turned and began to walk toward the front porch. She looked back and said, “Isabel, the next time you get a ticket, you’d better tell me!”

“Yes, Mami,” I shouted back as she disappeared through the front door.

I was too embarrassed to call Tom and ask him about the parking ticket he had snatched off my windshield over a month ago. I was just relieved that my mother hadn’t investigated the ticket to find out it was actually issued in a different part of town than where Liz lived. Deep inside, I was also relieved to find that it had been a parking ticket, rather than one of Tom’s love letters.

Chapter Twenty-One

It’s the End of the World as We Know It

A
fter several years of secrecy, sneaking around, lying, cheating, longing, jealousy, and intimacy, my clandestine love affair with Tom suffered an unexpected and severe setback, just weeks before my high school graduation.