Tainted Love: contemporary womens fiction love story and family saga (Behind Closed Doors Book 1) (14 page)

In my reflections, I've come to realize that, like Robert, Cal deliberately pushed you out of my life. You got too close to the truth. How could you ever trust anything I told you ever again? I want you to know this. What I did, I did with the very best intentions at heart. Maybe if I had all the facts, I'd do things differently. But you're still my brother, and I do love you.

One day, hopefully soon, when I'm strong enough to step back into my world and face the vile man I married, we can see each other again and you can say hi to the beautiful nieces you have yet to meet. But until then, know that we are safe, we are well, and we are happy.

Part Two: Seeking Faith

Chapter Twenty-Eight

New York

10
th
November 1999

Happy Thanksgiving, little brother! I hope you are well. I know, I'm a little early. But this letter has to cross several hands. It’s a little crazy, isn't it? But that's what I need right now for our protection.

I received your letter through Robert, and honestly, where do I start? I’m really happy to hear about you and Izzy. I think it’s wonderful. I know it’s early yet, but I believe you’re destined to marry this girl. She’s your childhood sweetheart. And well done, you! I’m so impressed! It’s where Dad did his psychiatry training, you know!

Thank you so much for talking with Caleb. I guess you must have gotten through to him if he's really concentrating on his grades. You didn't need to tell him, did you, D? I know he has his suspicions, but I want to protect him. I know, I know... he's eighteen years old; I should treat him like an adult. But with this? That’s not fair. No child should learn their father is a monster instead of a hero, no matter how old they are.

I guess this is also why you're not getting through to Georgia, and why she’s insisting if you know where I am you make me bring the girls back to their dad, but I always knew which team she'd be on. I'm missing her so,
so
much today.

My job, you ask? Well, I work at a car lot, and no two days are the same. One day I'm in the office inputting data into the computer, the next I'm in the back helping to valet the cars. Cleaning... I'm good at making things sparkle until your face shines in them.

Sandra, my boss, is incredibly nice. She lets me go into work after I take the girls to school and then take my lunch when school lets out. By then, the lot’s owner has usually left for the day, so the girls come back with me for the last hour. She’s divorced and understands how hard it is for me being recently split from my husband. I didn’t know I had it tattooed on my forehead!

She found that remark quite amusing, and told me I was still wearing my rings. After everything he did to me, I can’t bear the idea of taking them off. I made a commitment, a vow before God, a promise to Cal never to walk away, and what have I done? I’ve run as far away as possible without leaving the state. Taking them off means I’ve given up. I’ve failed.

Sandra also sympathizes because she’s a single mom too, and I bite my tongue every time she says it. I’m not a single mom, am I? I have a husband and he has a lot of money. I can go back to our picture perfect marriage with just a phone call. But I chose this life. I chose to run away.

The money's not great, but it’s enough to put food on the table and pay our bills. Things I've never had to worry about before, and it’s a lot to think about. You know, I never realized how privileged I was. Cal took care of everything. I just spent the money he gave me. Now I have to think about every cent before I spend it. Is there enough? What will I do if there isn’t? Can I buy a cheaper alternative? Will it last until the next payday? I’m keeping on top of it, but my head just swims with these questions that begin ‘what if…?’

I'm on as temporary at the moment, but once I pass the probation period, they'll pay me fifty cents an hour more, which is going to make a huge difference to our life. I’d be able to get a sitter for that last hour, for one. I really don’t like having the girls at the car lot, or being surrounded by so many strangers just coming and going when I can’t keep an eye on them all the time. They get bored and they squabble. But then again, I’m not so sure. I haven’t met anyone I feel comfortable with to ask about babysitting. What if one of the girls said something about Cal one day, or about our old life?

And the neighborhood isn’t as good as where we used to live. I know what you’re thinking. Is anywhere as good as the Hamptons? But this place, this apartment, there are security cameras and key codes and door buzzers, and no one gets in without permission. But some of the people who live here, D, I’m sure if you slipped them a fifty they’d give you their key to the building.

We live on the fifth floor of a seven floor building, in an apartment at the end of the hall. The guy above us is very active with the ladies. I had to tell to the girls they were jumping on the bed, and no, it wasn’t allowed at three o’clock in the morning! Our only neighbor is really old and partially deaf. She’s lovely, she gives the girls cookies and candy all the time, but I wish she wouldn’t fall asleep in front of her television at night. She’s a fan of police shoot ‘em ups and soap operas, so there’s nothing but high drama and voices coming through the walls all day and all night.

You know, the girls have a performance at school today. They’re super excited. It’s the story of Thanksgiving. They’re both in it. Cate even has a singing solo! She had me worried for a while. She was really shy, which is so unlike her. She still has nightmares. She’ll wake me up sobbing in her sleep, and I’ll have to bring her into my room to stop her from waking Zoe.

She hasn’t made any friends yet. Not like the friends she had back in New York or like Zoe has here. But she’s really starting to come out of her shell since they asked her to sing.

Zoe’s slipped in like a salmon in a fresh water stream. She’s friends with a girl downstairs. Her name’s Tammy. She’s stayed for dinner a time or two. She’s cute and really polite. Her mom is friendly too.

Well, things are about to get hectic. The girls are waking up for school.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

1
st
December 1999

I want to buy a Christmas tree. I want a real tree. I want to buy it, I want to bring it home, and I want to play carols as loud as I can and trim it with as many gaudy tacky ornaments as possible. And I want a wreath on the door. But I can't.

He was there, behind my eyes. He was in my perfect world. A happy world where we had a big house and the girls had bedrooms of their own again, and we had a beautiful garden with flowers I’d grown. He’d changed. He was wonderful. We made love. It wasn’t a dirty dream, I felt cherished and loved. We were happy. All of us. He was holding me in his arms and asking me if I had fun with the girls. And then he told me we needed to talk.

That was it. I was awake.

He's watching me.

Not literally, because he doesn’t know where we are. But he’s in my head. He’s standing over my shoulder, watching everything I do. So, I feel like if I buy a Christmas tree today, he’ll find us.

I have the perfect place to put it, too; in the bay window, on the dining table. The girls will be thrilled we have to spend all month eating dinner on our laps in front of the television, and I don’t care. All those years of muted Christmases, taming down the holiday I love so much because of his pain, and his pain brought me pain.

Maybe just for this year, I'll go out on the usual day, pick a tree, and then trim it and deck the halls tomorrow. Didn't he once say the fewer changes we make, the less likely children would grow up to be delinquents? I think Cate and Zoe have had enough changes for one year. Yeah. I'll do that.

You know all those talks I had with Caleb? About these women who changed their minds and went back? I think I understand them. I have these doubts. Did I do the right thing? How can I do this to him? How can I take his children away? How can I leave them without a father? Do I have that right? Have I really done what's best for them?

You know, we really don't have much of a life. I'm still waiting for my temporary period to end at the lot and my salary only just covers the bills and puts enough food on the table. If I didn't freeze leftovers, it probably wouldn't stretch to the end of the month.

We used to give you older kids everything you asked for, take you out for days on the beach, the fairgrounds, and adventure parks, but the little ones, I just... I can't. Christmas is coming and I saved as much from the car as I could. Things won't be that bad when Santa climbs down our chimney. What about birthdays? They have friends who have birthday parties and presents to buy and parties to attend… what about next year?

But it's not just the money, D. I'm all they have. I've never looked at it that way before. They were surrounded by people they knew and loved, and I've cut them off from it all. My relationship with Cal did none of you any harm. You've all grown up to be fine, respectable adults. I'm being so selfish by running away from him. Shouldn't I be doing what's best for them?

You know, Zoe wants to know when she can see her dad.

Chapter Thirty

13
th
December 1999

Did you tell him, Darryl?

You knew how important it was to keep my whereabouts from him. Now he's here, and he's threatening to take the girls out of school if I don't play nice. If you'd have seen the look on the showroom manager’s face when Cal asked for me. He had no idea who I was. Of course, I’ve assumed a new identity, so there isn’t a Faith McKenzie working there.

The second I heard my name, I knew who was in the showroom. Even before the manager told him my new name I was heading out the back door with my bag in my hand. "I'm going for lunch."

"It’s not quarter to three yet." Sandra called.

I ran across the car lot, sprinted down between the apartment blocks and the quickest route home. I couldn’t believe he’d found us.

He must have seen me and come after me, because he was there. He grabbed my hand and spun me to face him. I just stared at him. I couldn't speak. My lungs were burning but my lips just wouldn’t take in air. I was hyperaware of every scent, every sound, and every single movement in that alley.

"Aren’t you heading in the wrong direction for school, Faith?"

What? How did he know which preschool they went to and where it was? I said the first thing to come into my mind. "Dentist appointment."

"Please... just don't lie to me."

How could I have been so foolish? We were surrounded by dumpsters and discarded wooden crates, old furniture and numerous other objects he could hurt me with and there wasn’t another soul around. I’d led him into a private space in my attempt to get away.

I’d forgotten how big he was. He seemed to take up the entire alley. No, that was my fear talking. He was never this... oh God... he’d been working out.

My heart thudded against the wall of my chest. My lips refused to take in any more air. I slowly began to shake my head as I stepped back. He was going to kill me. He was going to leave the rats to eat me. Then he’d take my girls and no one would ever know. I took another step back.

"Faith," he said, "we just need to talk."

"I don't finish work until five," I whispered. "I can't just disappear. I’ll lose my job."

His eyebrows lifted as he stepped back. "Your loyalties are so deeply entrenched to a job and people you've known for a few months? You can't give me five minutes to talk after you vanished from our twenty-two years of marriage?"

I looked down. "I'm not coming home, Cal."

"I don't want you to come home."

What?
Well, of course my eyes instantly sought out his. I’m his wife! Why didn’t he want me back? But he still looked at me like I was the most important person in the world to him, like he would do anything not to lose me and the girls.

"Not today, but maybe you'll come home another day.” He stepped forward. I instantly pulled away, and I hated the pain my distrust poured into his eyes. “I saw you,” he admitted, moving away, creating a distance I was comfortable with between us. “I was up here visiting the Center when my car broke down. The place where you work provides us with cars for hire, so when I dropped it off, I saw you and the girls. I've known where you are for about a month. But I haven't come because you said I needed to change.” He looked down. “As long as you were all happy and healthy, I didn’t see any problems while I was trying to change. Please, Faith? All I'm asking is that you give me the chance to show you that I have changed."

"You just want..."

“Faith.” He looked me in the eyes and said, “You know how angry and upset I am over this… you’re terrified of what I’m going to do.” His voice remained calm and slightly remorseful. “That’s not something I’m proud of, but I know you left, not for you, but for the girls. You didn’t think they were safe anymore. That message really hit home.” He looked down at his hands. “You know I’d never do anything to hurt Fireball and Kitty-Cat. But you also know me better than anyone, so if you thought I was capable...”

“I don’t think you’re capable of physically hurting them, Cal,” I admitted. I didn’t want to give him anything. But he wasn’t a bad father. He’d never done anything to directly hurt our girls. If anything, I was being overprotective by getting us out of there the second they appeared to be affected by it. “But your violence towards me was escalating.”

“I know, and I’ve been having anger management sessions since you left.” My brows lifted. It surprised me Cal had admitted he had a problem to another person and had sought out help for it. “And I’m controlling it better.”