Tainted Love: contemporary womens fiction love story and family saga (Behind Closed Doors Book 1) (12 page)

"Did she have any other family?"

"Her mom, her two younger sisters, they still live with him."

"Would you want to be away from us at Christmas, Caleb?" He looked startled and then shook his head vehemently. "Precisely, no one wants to be alone at this time of year. It's not for nothing, Caleb. For every life you can't help, there'll be hundreds of others you do."

Chapter Twenty-Three

Spring 1999

My forty-first birthday earned me a big shiny black eye. I told friends it was from trying to kill a spider the girls were scared of in the garage. I became quite creative explaining my injuries, since suspicion only made Cal angrier. The spider story gave the lunch girls laughs for weeks. The truth? The hairdresser changed their supplier of colorants and my hair wasn’t the same shade of red anymore. I hadn’t consulted Cal before changing my hair. Even though, in one of his ‘real’ Cal moments, he confessed it turned him on. I couldn’t win.

I guess for my forty-second birthday Cal tried to make it up to me, because he made breakfast by the time I’d walked downstairs. The girls were dressed and ready for preschool, and holding an enormous bouquet of soft avalanche roses, waxen freesias, eustoma, ornithogalum, lilies, and bupleurum. It was so big they had to carry it between them, and still the ribbon dragged on the floor.

“Happy Birthday, Mommy!” Aww! They looked so cute.

“Can we have pancakes now, Daddy?” Zoe cheered.

Pancakes for breakfast on a school day? Not likely. Cal would fly into a rage if I served them anything more than fruit and cereal for breakfast before school. But he placed two plates with two smiley faced pancakes and syrup in front of the girls, then smiled at me.

“Close your eyes.” He wrapped his hand around my eyes. “No peeking,” he said, shuffling me forward.

The hairs rose on the back of my neck. The last time he put his hand around my eyes he’d surprised me with a candle lit bathroom and a romantic bath for two. There’d been good vibes that night, lots of good vibes… and I missed it when the vibe changed. I hadn’t seen it coming. I ended up with a couple of cracked ribs. He said he was sorry and then continued with getting his good vibes afterwards. I closed my eyes and pretended I wasn’t in pain.

“Where are we going?”

“Stay here and stay out of trouble. DOUBLE trouble. I’m going to give Mommy her surprise.”

The moths awoke in my stomach. I didn’t like it when Cal was spontaneous. If I didn’t react the way he expected me to, he’d flip. And when he did something I wasn’t expecting, I didn’t know how he expected me to act. Was it bad I didn’t trust my husband to surprise me anymore?

“It’s awesome, Mommy.” Cate said.

“Can I at least have a clue?”

“It’s the best color in the world! “ Zoe shouted.

“Shush!” Cal hissed. “Sit down and…” he began chuckling as he said, “I’m not sure who’s more excited, me or them.” He cleared his throat and growled, “No more giving Mommy clues.”

Then this was good? He was in a great mood. I released the tense breath I held and let my guard down. I let him take me where ever he wanted to go. Even with his hand covering my eyes, I knew we were in the front hallway. I felt the cool breeze from the open door, heard our footsteps on the hard wood of the porch.

The warmth of his hand slipped away as he roared, "Surprise!"

My hands tightened around his. "Oh Cal!" I didn’t believe it. How had he pulled this off? I’d wanted a new car for ages. The SUV was just too hot in the summer but when I’d said this he’d flew off into a rage. But there it was. A beautiful red convertible, top down, with a huge bow on the windshield, and all for me!

"Happy Birthday, Fay."

"Oh Cal," I gushed again, stepping off our porch. I hadn't let go of his hand and dragged him with me. "It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." I traced my fingertips along the curve of the hood.

"It's not the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

My eyes went to his. They looked sincere. Loving. I was the rarest, most precious thing he’d seen. Butterflies took flight in my belly. "Oh, Cal." For the first time in a long time I blushed like a teen. "Stop it."

"You look...” He stepped closer to me. His free hand cupped my cheek and my breath caught, “adorable." You know, with the fierceness of that kiss I’d have... um, well, yes, right there in the driveway. Except we were interrupted.

"Hey, Mom!” We broke apart at Caleb’s voice. “Neat ride!"

"It's my birthday present from your dad." The death glare Caleb sent toward his father took all the joy out of receiving the keys into the palm of my hand. What was that all about? Caleb seemed to have a growing issue with his dad, and I had the intention of finding out what it was. "You... um,” Cal kissed my neck and threw off my train of thought. “...you want to come for a spin?"

"Nah, I have to revise." His enthusiasm for my present had all but disappeared as he mustered a smile. "But take Dad though. I'll take Cate and Zoe to preschool."

"How is that revising?" Cal mumbled into the sensitive part underneath my ear as he kissed me there. He really wasn’t interested in where Caleb was, as long as it wasn’t where we were.

"He’ll have the house to himself when he gets home." I said. "Quick, get your things and I'll drive you to work.” Cal pulled away, and his eyes narrowed as they met mine. He wasn’t happy. “I want to give my baby a whirl."

He rolled his eyes and grinned at me. “Only if I get to give my baby a whirl later.”

“You’re on!”

“Gawd, didn’t anyone ever tell you two your sex life is over when you have kids?” Caleb cringed.

“Yes,” we both said in unison.

“Then will you STOP with the making babies in front of me already!” he cried. “I’m traumatized by it enough!”

Caleb spun on his heel and marched back into the house as we fell about the garden laughing. This was one of the best birthdays I’d had in a long time and it wasn’t even nine A.M.

And it was only made better by driving an open top convertible down the freeway. Didn’t that baby move! It was an amazing feeling: the wind in my hair, the sun on my skin. I could have driven for days. But as we pulled up outside of the head office, Cal actually looked green. So I kissed him better. I felt so warm and fuzzy, so gooey and squishy as we made out in the front seat of my brand new car.

“I have to...” he murmured between my lips, “...go.”

“Will you be late?”

“Not a chance,” he promised and pulled away. “Table’s booked for seven thirty.”

“Table?”

“My beautiful wife has always wanted to dine at White Towers, and that’s where she’ll be dining this evening.” I gasped. It was the best restaurant in town, and impossible to get a table. “I had to book it in January to make sure I got the reservation.”

“Cal.” I kissed him again. “You’re really spoiling me.”

“Yes,” he said as he climbed out of the car. He leaned into the car and whispered, “That’s because you deserve it.” He kissed me, a quick short blast on my lips, then pulled away and closed the passenger door.

“Hey, boss.” His assistant walked along the sidewalk with half a dozen coffees from the nearby vender in her hand. “Black, no sugar, front center.” She shoved the tray towards him. "Hi, Faith! New car?"

"Birthday present from my fabulous husband."

She frowned. "You changed your mind about the pendant?" Her eyes turned to Cal. Pendant? What pendant? "But you asked me to pick it up weeks ago."

Oh. The beautiful diamond ‘I'm sorry I broke your nose again’ pendant. I hated to brand it like that, but there was no other reason for him to give it to me… until now.

"Fay has wanted a new car for a while. The pendant was a distraction from it because this has been on order since before Valentine's Day."

So what was this? The 'I'm sorry I cracked your ribs' car? Because isn’t that what happened in February? How many times had Cal done this? How many times had he surprised me with gifts and flowers for no reason?

Well…

There was the pamper day at the spa after he gave me a concussion six months ago. The personal shopper after he broke my arm before Zoe was born, and ended my days of playing tennis. There were dozens of them, all flying into my head. Times where he’d hurt me and he’d left it a few days, or a couple of weeks, and then out of the blue, done beautiful things because I thought he loved me. I thought he was trying to show me how much he loved me.

What was it Caleb had said? It was about empowerment: to be needed, to be wanted, to be loved, to have ultimate control. Abusers fooled the victim into make-believe by reinforcing forgiveness with tender loving care, and elaborate or overpriced gifts. Was that what Cal was doing? Had he cast a spell, and my imperfect reality was actually castles in the clouds?

"Listen to her engine purr like a feline," I whispered. "I love her, Cal!"

"Go spoil yourself today Faith, get pampered, buy a new outfit for tonight." He grinned as he leaned into the car. "I want you to look absolutely..." He kissed me. A hot and hungry kiss telling me he’d done what I wanted, so now I had to do what he wanted. “...adorable.”

That word sent chills down my spine.

"Okay, bye!" I sped away listening to his laughter roar, and all I could think was…
my husband is abusing me
.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Realizing you're a victim and accepting it are two very different things. I lived in the denial stage for quite some time. Even when faced with it head on by my son, I denied all knowledge of what we both knew was true.

“Mom, I work with victims of domestic violence. You think I don’t know what happens when he says ‘we need to talk’?”

How did he know? I'd been careful, extra careful, in hiding it from them all. They didn't need to see that side of Cal. Caleb had seen that side of his father, but Cal had cried the first time he hit me — it was an accident. Pure and simple accident, he spun around as I stepped forward. I also remember the sheer horror when he realized the first time he'd left a mark. He was not this man. He was not his father. Look what it had done to him. I'd done everything to protect my children from this.

"Mom?” Caleb looked me fiercely in the eyes and said, “Dad did this to you, didn't he?"

I was helping him sort through his things. It was just a month before he left for college. We put the clothes he didn't want in boxes for the shelter. Cal had been particularly aggressive a couple of days before. I received an "I'm sorry I burned your hand with your curling iron” amethyst ring.

"Don't be ridiculous, Caleb. Your father has never raised his hand to me."

"Yes, he has. Georgia and I saw him!"

"Oh okay, there was that one time." I shook my head. "When you were too young to understand how frightened we both were at the thought of having another baby, after I fell and Dylan died. Yes, Dad has a temper. But I promise you he's never laid a finger on me."

"I'm not going to college." Caleb glowered at me. "You’re still in denial and I'm not leaving you, Cate and Zoe alone with him."

"You're wrong, Caleb." I snatched my hand away from his. "And Cal would be very upset if he heard you talking about him this way. I'm very upset you think your father is capable of these things."

"I’m calling Darryl."

"NO!" I panicked. It was the first time anyone had dared speak your name under Cal's roof. You'd walked out of our family, after everything we'd done for you. Caleb stared at me like I'd just admitted the truth in that two letter word. "Enough of this rubbish, Caleb! Volunteering at that place has warped your mind. You honestly believe a kind, decent man like your father, a man who's never raised his hand to you in your life, is capable of these things? How could you, Caleb?"

"But he shouts at you, Mom. He calls you awful names and makes you cry."

"Yes, of course he does. He doesn't know how to hold on to it like I do. You should hear some of the things I call him when you're not around," I lied. "That's what married couples do. They take out the frustrations of their days on each other and then they spend their nights having really great make-up sex."

"Aw, Mom!" Caleb's face screwed up. It was like he was in physical pain. "So not a flashback I needed."

"Next time you hear your Dad shouting behind the bedroom door Caleb, remember that moment. Remember the really great—"

"NO!" Caleb's hands went over his ears. "It's only ever been done six times and I'd have been happier if Georgia hadn’t — AW MOM!"

I laughed. I laughed so hard my stomach hurt and my lungs burned. And then Cal’s bulky shadow filled up the open door way. Moths gathered inside my stomach. How much had he heard? "Hey, you're home early."

"Schedule was empty this afternoon, so I thought I'd see if Caleb needed a hand." His eyes took in the length of me, up and then down and then up again, before he pushed away from the door. "But he's going to have to wait because we need to talk."

My heart sunk. He'd heard. He must have. He'd heard everything and I was in for a huge punishment. I did everything I could to stop the fear from radiating from me. Caleb would certainly pick up on it.

"Caleb…" He walked deeper into the room. One hand gripped my waist. "I suggest you make a run for it." He smiled as he drew me closer. He had that look, the one that said I was the most precious person in the world to him. "Because this is one conversation you don't want to overhear."

This was when all the awful things he did to me were the most difficult to bear. When he showed me he was a man and not a monster. I found myself reaching to all the good inside him and holding on to that man. He was still the man I married. He did still love me and he could be saved. He could be this man all the time, because I did something right to bring him back. So I could be the woman he needed me to be. He could change.

"Cal?"

"Faith McKenzie, have I ever told you that you’re adorable?"