Tales from a Not-So-Fabulous Life (4 page)

My mom and dad are driving me NUTS! In the past 72 hours, they have posted all over the house 139 positive affirmations on rainbow-colored sticky notes that say really stupid things like:

Unfortunately, I never got a chance to read the one they stuck in the toaster slot thingy because it caught on fire when I tried to make a strawberry Pop-Tart for breakfast.

I had to dump my glass of orange juice on the sticky note to put it out.

And after that, the toaster started melting, shooting blue electrical sparks, and making a loud, angry noise like:

GRRRRRRAAAAAAAGGGG!!

I’m thinking we’re probably going to need a new one.

But what was really SCARY was that our house could have actually burnt to the ground. All because my parents stuck a sticky note in the toaster slot thingy.

I know my mom and dad mean well, but sometimes they’re an

EMBARRASSMENT!

I’m already dreading that the weekend is almost over and I have to go back to school tomorrow. It’s been one whole week and I still haven’t made a single friend. I’ve got this…OVERWHELMING…sense of loneliness sitting in the pit of my stomach like a…big, fat, poisonous…TOAD!

I’m seriously thinking about asking my parents to let me move back to the city and live with my grandma so I can attend my old school.

I’ll admit the school wasn’t perfect. But I’d give
anything to hang out with my friends from art class again. I really, really miss them
!

Anyway, my grandma lives in one of those apartment buildings for elderly people “who are young at heart and committed to leading a full and active life.” So she’s up on ALL the latest fads and stuff.

She’s also a little wacky (okay, A LOT WACKY) and totally addicted to the game show
The Price Is Right

Last year Grandma bought a computer from the Home Shopping Network to help her train to be a contestant on
The Price Is Right
.

Now she spends most of her spare time on her computer, memorizing the suggested retail prices of all the major grocery store brands.

She plans to use all her research and game strategies to write a how-to manual called
The Price Is Right for Morons

Grandma says her book could be bigger than
Harry Potter.

I didn’t think being on a game show took any special skills, but she told me you had to train like you would for the Super Bowl.

She took a few sips of her energy drink, stared at me real seriouslike, and whispered, “Sweetie, when life presents challenges, you can be either a CHICKEN or a CHAMPION. The choice is YOURS!”

Then she started humming “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” really loud.

I was like, JUST GREAT! Grandma is finally going SENILE! Doesn’t she understand that some things in life you’re STUCK with and powerless to change?! Jeez!

But I have to admit she has gotten pretty good at
The Price Is Right
. The last few times I saw her play along with the game show, she got every single price correct! It was amazing because she would have won like $549,321 in cash and prizes, including three cars, a boat, a trip for two to Niagara Falls, and a lifetime supply of Depends adult diapers.

I gave her a big hug and said, “Grandma, you have mad skillz at the
Price Is Right
game, and I’m really proud of you. But you should really try to get out of the house more often.”

Grandma just smiled and said her life is exciting now that she’s taking hip-hop dance lessons at the senior rec center. And her dance teacher, Krump Daddy, is “dope!”

Then she asked me if I wanted to see her “bust a move.”

She was actually pretty good for a seventy-six-year-old! Grandma’s a little WACKY, but you gotta LOVE her!

This morning the halls were plastered with colorful posters for Random Acts of Avant-Garde Art, our annual school art show.

I’m SUPER excited because the first prize for each class is $500, cash! SWEET!

That would be enough for me to buy a cell phone, a new outfit from the mall, AND art supplies.

But most important, winning that award could transform me from a “socially challenged ART DORK” to a “socially charmed ART DIVA” practically overnight!

Who would a thunk my art skillz could get me into the CCP clique?!

So I rushed down to the school office to get an entry form and was surprised to see a line had already formed.

And guess who else was there picking one up?

MacKenzie
!!!!

And as usual she was blabbering nonstop: “Like, since I’m going to be a model/fashion designer/pop star, I already have a portfolio of seven very HOT fashion illustrations for my FAB-4-EVER clothing line, which I also plan to wear on my very successful world tour as the opening act for Miley Cyrus, who of course will fall head over heels in love with MY designs and buy like a million dollars’ worth. Then I’m going to enroll at a prestigious university like Harvard, Yale, or the Westchester Fashion Institute of Cosmetology, which, BTW, is owned by my aunt Clarissa!”

Okay. I’ll admit I FREAKED OUT about having to compete against MacKenzie.

She just kept staring at me with her icy blue eyes, and my stomach felt queasy and I got chill bumps.

Then, suddenly, I had an epiphany and I TOTALLY understood what my grandma meant when she said,

“You can be a CHICKEN

or a CHAMPION.

The choice is yours.”

So I gathered all my strength and determination, took a deep breath, and mustered the courage to decide right there on the spot which one I was:

A BIG FAT CHICKEN!

When the office assistant asked if I was there to pick up an entry form for the avant-garde art show, I just froze and started clucking like a hen:

Buk, buk, buk-ka-a-ah!

Then, MacKenzie laughed, like ME entering the competition was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard.

That’s when I spotted the yellow sign-up sheet for
library shelving assistants, also known as LSAs. Every day during study hall, a few kids get excused to go to the school library to shelve books. An LSA’s life is about as exciting as watching paint dry.

So, instead of trying to achieve my dream of winning a major art competition, I very STUPIDLY signed up to shelve DUSTY and BORING LIBRARY BOOKS!

MY FUTURE MISERABLE LIFE AS A LIBRARY SHELVING ASSISTANT

“IF I SEE ANOTHER BOOK, I’M GOING TO PUKE!”

And it’s ALL MacKenzie’s fault!!

When I reported to the library during study hall, the librarian, Mrs. Peach, gave me a tour. She told me I would be working with two other girls who had signed up last week.

But what I wanted to know was WHO in their right mind would sign up to shelve library books as an EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITY?!

At least
I
had a good excuse.

I did it while I was temporarily INSANE from MacKenzie’s icy stare, which had frozen my brain cells, slowed my heartbeat, and totally immobilized my body so I couldn’t sign up for the avant-garde art competition.