Tales of a First Time Mom: A collection of all the crap the baby books didn't tell me. Some gross, some funny, all absolutely true. (3 page)

Your first post baby shower is going to be a bit
less enjoyable than you might think.  The warm water is going to feel great on
your poor swollen painful vagina, and it's going to be awesome washing all of
that sterile hospital environment off of you, but the shampoo you rinse from
your hair that is running down your back and right into your fresh stitches is
going to suck.  It will burn. You will shed a tear. Be warned ladies, that
“ring of fire” that the Doctors refer to during childbirth isn't the only
burning you'll be experiencing.  In a related matter, the best investment you
can make after childbirth is in one of those blow up doughnut rings, so send
your husband out right now to buy one because simply sitting on the couch will
be an absolute nightmare for at least 2 weeks. No really, send him now.  You’ll
thank me later.

We all know that after childbirth you bleed.  A
lot. For at least a month. It sucks. You will be using a ton of the largest plushest
maxi pads you can find.  And those pads are going to give you a rash. It's
inevitable. Never fear – just whip out that Desitin that you got at your baby
shower and you will be rash free in no time.  That stuff isn't just for babies
anymore.

Breastfeeding moms deserve all of the gold
stickers in the world.  It is a difficult task.  Your boobs leak all day long. 
You need to continuously feed in order for your nipples to get tough enough to
tolerate it without any pain.  When your boobs are full the pain from
engorgement can be unbearable.  You will no doubt be using a breast pump to
build up a supply for your little one, but you should know that having a breast
pump attached to your boob is the single strangest feeling on Earth.  It's like
foreplay with a robot.

After delivery you will have a six week follow
up appointment with your OB-GYN. Your vagina will be healed, but still swollen,
you will probably still gasp when you sit down every once in a while,  and
there's a good chance that heading out to that appointment will be the first
sunlight you will be seeing since coming home from the hospital.  Doctor
Vahooeyhooey is going to get nice and close to your downtown region, do an exam
and then you will hear those dreaded words: “Well, everything looks great.  You
can resume your regular sex life.”  You are going to hate hearing those words
more than hearing your little newborn cry.  You will probably hate them so much
that when you get home and your husband asks how it went with a giant shit
eating grin on his face and a boner in his pants, you will say something like
“It is healing, but it's still not quite there.  The Doctor suggested I give it
another 4 weeks.”  After your husband gives a sigh of disappointment he will
immediately start his internal clock, and you've just given yourself an extra
month of freedom.

The Butt Chronicles

Prepare yourself for the poop. The black poop.
The yellow poop.  The green poop.  What your baby eats will create a rainbow of
color in his diaper.  Everything from runny and yellow for a breast fed baby
and thicker and brown for a formula fed baby along with a mix of everything
else in between.  Just you wait until you start on solid food.  Your child's
dirty diaper will literally make you dry heave.  Buy a lot of nursery odor
neutralizer, because you are going to need it.

I swore that I would never be “that mom” but
dare I say it – I’ve become a baby butt sniffer and you will too.   Is it poop
or did he fart? You'll pick him up and bury your nose in his butt then cringe
when you get that poop confirmation and realize how close your face just was to
it. You will also become a poop examiner. It will be like your new part time
job.  Every day it is a different color and consistency.  Is it constipation? 
Is my kid sick?  Did he eat a foreign object?  Is this ‘normal’?  Some sort of diagram
would be helpful.  Really gross to look at, but helpful.

And then there's the farting.  The constant
farting.  I almost busted my stitches laughing the first time I heard my son
fart.  He farts louder than my husband and far more frequently - and if you
knew my husband that statement would impress you.  I swear, between my son, my
husband and my dog I live in a fart factory.  Get used to a permanent gray
cloud hovering over your house, and buy a lot of really good scented candles.  

Diaper changing in the beginning is a cake
walk.  The baby just lays there. Many times your baby will be asleep during
diaper changes.  No problem.  If diaper changes stayed this easy motherhood
would be a breeze.  But this is the real world, and your baby will sometimes
just not want to be bothered with a diaper change. There's kicking and
screaming, and turning over on the belly. Kids are strong. Like super strong. 
Like, slam the door just like a daddy hating teenager that's just been told she
can't date that jack ass with the blue hair strong.  Brace yourself for it. 
You are going to get a swift kick to the nose at least once.  Guaranteed. Plus,
the poop will get everywhere.  Absolutely everywhere.  Up their back, in their
ears and on their forehead.  You'll think you're done with the diaper change
until you go to put his pants on and see poop in between his toes. To keep the
diaper changing tantrums and ‘poo-tastrophes’ as I like to call them, to a
minimum I keep a wide variety of diaper distractions at the changing table.  I
find I can get the job done so much more quickly if my kid is focused on
something he can find fascinating for at least one minute. Such items include a
wrestling action figure, an empty baby food pouch, one of his shoes & a
plastic slinky. Just giving him a clean diaper to play with will work every
once in a while also.  Keep in mind that as your baby gets older, the diaper
distractions will need to become more interesting to him or her.  These days we
are working with anything that has buttons he can push.

If you are the new mother of a bouncy baby boy
you may find yourself confused at the fact that your baby is constantly getting
urine on the side of his clothes.  I had this problem for a while in the
beginning. I literally thought that I had no clue how to put a diaper on a
baby.  Everything he wore was getting saturated in pee and I couldn't figure
out why. Then while I was talking to another mother whom also had a boy she
told me to make sure that when I change him to “face the willie down.”  I can't
believe I didn't think of that.  So ladies with new baby boys remember – willie
down or onesie drown.

The Gourmet Chef & Her Sippy Cup Collection

 Coffee ladies.  Lots of coffee..... Assuming
you're a coffee drinker.  I say lots because that cup you just brewed got stone
cold since you were only able to take two sips before you had to put it down to
change a dirty diaper.  Then you got side tracked playing peek a boo and
becoming all consumed in your baby's giggles. So now you need a fresh cup.
Fresh new piping hot cup brewed and you've just realized that it’s your little
ones lunch time. Perhaps iced coffee would make more sense.

I'll bet you're a pretty decent cook.  I bet
that you cook dinner for your husband and get to enjoy your meal each night with
some candles lit all romantic.  I miss making a proper dinner every night.  I
used to make lots of great well balanced dinners, but I don't cook for my
husband or myself anymore. I cook for my son. I cook macaroni & cheese.  I
make pancakes.  I bake mini blueberry muffins.  I spend hours cutting up fruit
into itty bitty pieces.  You know what my husband had for dinner?  The
rotisserie chicken that he picked up on his way home from work because he knows
that 4:00pm came and went and I haven't even thought about dinner yet.  I did
take the time to toss the pre made salad we had in the back of the refrigerator
into a bowl though.  Go me. 

Paper goods have become my best friend.  Classy,
I know.  Without them I would be up to my eyeballs in dishes with no time to
wash them all.  Yes I have a dishwasher, but I've always enjoyed hand washing
dishes. So these days I'm only up to my eyeballs in baby bottles and character
plates. Dear Mother Nature, feel free to deduct 100 points for my crappy carbon
footprint.  Don't worry, I'll stop using them once my son can wash his own
dishes.  The chore chart is already made and gold star stickers purchased.

You will buy more puff snacks, yogurt drops,
cereal bars and oatmeal cookie sticks than you ever expected.  I swear I am at
the store buying some every other day.  My kid is a snack eating machine.  It's
just a little bit ridiculous. Fine fine fine!!! I'll admit it – I ate all of
the puffy snacks.  Sue me. They're all sorts of delicious – and have way less
carbohydrates than their adult counterparts.  Besides, I still have six pounds
of baby weight to drop and I  need all the help I can get. A yummy snack for me
minus crazy amounts of carbs? I'll take it.

Motherhood forces you to become an amazing
multitasker.  Folding the laundry with the baby bouncing at your hip.  Cooking
dinner while playing paddy cake. Applying your make-up for work while changing
a diaper. Reading a book and working your abs.  You'll be shocked at how many
things you can do simultaneously. Wait until you see how awesome you become at
getting stuff done quickly as well.  I've somehow figured out a way to cook,
serve, eat and clean up the adult dinner and prepare, feed & clean up the
little guys’ dinner in an hour. That seems kind of amazing to me.  I'm not
messing around at dinner time. I'm also eating so quickly you would think it
was my last meal. It's gross.

Your toddler will become a picky eater at some
point for some length of time.  You will lose your mind trying to figure out
what he will feel like eating that day, then just give up after countless fits
and refusal of all things offered and dump the only thing he wants - the
blueberries - on his highchair tray.  A kid can absolutely survive on just
macaroni & cheese and blueberries. I've been there.  That is all my son ate
for a solid week.  He will wake up one day ready to try a chicken nugget.  Then
an egg.  Then grilled cheese. It will usually take three or four attempts
before my son will accept a new food, but over time he would become more open
to trying new things.  He is however the only kid on the planet that hates
apple juice, so I've just given up on that.         

Picky eating is not the only thing that will
make you nuts. You will try fourteen different sippy cups before you find one
that your kid will like. Some use an easy straw, which will leak everywhere. 
Some have the straw your baby will have to squeeze with his gums to open and
suck at the same time, but he may not be able to figure that out. Some have the
sippy spouts, but your little one won’t be able to figure out that he has to
put his head back in order to get the juice to come out.  Just save yourself
the trouble and register for lots of different cups for your baby shower this
way you aren't spending your life searching for all the different ones when
your kid has a hissy fit for juice.  Also, once you do find that perfect sippy
cup you should buy eight of them because you will need them.

While distracting your kid during diaper changes
makes wiping a baby butt much easier, distracting during feedings is even more
necessary.  By the ten month mark, my son was feeling super independent an only
wanted to feed himself.  Which is great, but he didn't quite get it yet.  The
food goes in the mouth, down the throat, and in the belly – not in your lap or
on the floor or in your hair.  I found that if I used the same technique I used
during diaper time I could shovel the food in his mouth and get him the
nutrition and calories he needed.  So now I have my stash of feeding fun for
him – all plastic & easy to clean items that he can hold and examine while
I am secretly nourishing him.  Once I got what I needed to get into his mouth I
would let him have all the macaroni & cheese he wanted to toss on the floor
or shove in his ears.

I must say, I very much look forward to my sons
nap time every single day.  It is the single most important hour and a half of
the day.  It has nothing to do with my son getting the rest that he needs, but
has everything to do with “me time”. And by me time, I mean cleaning the
house.  I can get so much done in those ninety minutes.  Even Martha would be
impressed. I do however save the vacuuming for my sons viewing. Screaming child
becomes quiet child when the vacuum emerges. Quite child becomes excited,
giggly child when the vacuum is turned on. It's totally cute.

You shouldn't bother expecting your little one
to grasp the concept of cleaning up toys until they actually understand what
cleaning up the toys means. Playing with your six month old, laying out every
toy he has on the play mat, then trying to get him to put the toys back in the
bin is pointless. You have about as good a chance of winning that battle as a
one legged man has in an ass kicking contest.  Just let him mess the crap out
of your living room and clean it after he goes to bed.  I've wasted far too
many hours of my life cleaning as he plays.  Pointless. Waste. Of. Time. For
the record, this rule also applies to “throw that in the trash” “give that to
mommy” and “do you have poop in your pants?” No six month old will understand
any of these sentences and if someone tells you that their baby does understand,
then they are lying.

Worthy Obsessions & Your New..... Puppy?