Tales of a First Time Mom: A collection of all the crap the baby books didn't tell me. Some gross, some funny, all absolutely true. (2 page)

There are about a million symptoms that come with
being pregnant, some good and some bad.  We all experience them differently.  I
was lucky enough to have a fairly good pregnancy, but not everyone is lucky.
There is one symptom however that (just about) every single pregnant woman
experiences and it is probably the single worst symptom on earth.  I'm talking
about the leg cramps.  The charlie horses.  The debilitating sharp shooting
pain in your leg(s) that you get instantly and completely out of nowhere.  Mine
always came in the middle of the night, and only on nights that I was actually
able to get some sleep. They would wake me up so suddenly and literally made me
want to scream, and sometimes I did.  They say to try and walk it off, but
unless you are standing when they strike that's virtually impossible.  Keep a
tennis ball in your nightstand and learn to massage the crap of your legs.
Water will help a bit also.  Even better, just go find yourself a live in massage
therapist for a few months.

I hope you don't mind insomnia, because the very
second that sperm hits the egg it will kick in.  Sleeping soundly at night will
become a thing of the past.  Buy some good books and download some fun games on
your phone to occupy your time during the overnight hours. All of those great
TV shows from the 90's are on at those crazy hours too which is fun.  I haven't
slept a full night since the day I became pregnant.  The saddest thing was when
I realized that I've got 18 more years of sleepless nights. “Mommy my tummy
hurts.” “Mommy can I have some water.” “Mommy I'm trying out for football.” 
“Mommy I got into a college 1000 miles away.” Man I miss Mr. Sandman.

During your pregnancy you will become obsessed
with your baby's development and what size he or she is each week.  You are
going to see it in a book, on a smart phone app, or on the web and like
clockwork every Monday morning be checking on the status.  Every single week
the baby will be compared to the size of a fruit or vegetable, and your mouth
will instantly be watering for said food.  Every time you are in the produce
aisle you will be checking out and examining the size and shape of everything
from blueberries to butternut squash.  You will pick the squash up and hold it
to your belly and wonder how it fits in there.  Then you'll bring that
butternut squash home, cook it and eat the crap out of it, enjoying every
single bite.

Since we're talking about food you should be
aware that when a pregnant woman is craving a particular food or drink, nothing
else on Earth matters.  You will do anything to get that food in your belly (or
make your poor husband do it for you).  The proof is in the pudding ladies.....
Mmmm pudding..... From about week 15 right through my final pregnant day the
only thing that I cared about was potatoes.  Baked potatoes, mashed potatoes,
cream of potato soup, french fries, tater tots. Whatever.  As long as there
were potatoes, I was happy.  I ate those starchy magic makers every single
day.  In fact, there is a pretty good chance I ate my weight in potatoes by the
end of my pregnancy.  I remember the first time I gave my son mashed potatoes. 
He spit them out like they were poison.  Go figure.

Have you begun to think about a birth plan yet? 
Most women think that their water will break in a neat little puddle in the
privacy of their own home and happily skip into their husband's man cave to
tell him that it's time.  They will be feeling fantastic while they jump into the
shower to shave and moisturize their legs perfectly, then blow dry their hair
and do their makeup flawlessly.  The drive to  and check in at the hospital
will be stress free and easy.  They will have a private room with a beautiful
view to welcome their baby in.  A beautiful nurse and a strapping young Doctor
will guide them into the perfect, pain free, quick, natural delivery.  We can
all thank the movies for infecting our minds with such foolishness. Go ahead,
create that birth plan.  But don't you dare expect that it will be set in
stone, because if you're lucky, one, just one of your expectations will be
met.  After everything is said and done, your birth plan won’t even matter. 
All that matters is the end result, no matter how you get there.

Whatever you do, be sure to take one of those
child preparation classes that most hospitals have.  Usually they offer them in
6 weekly 2 hour classes or one 12 hour crash course on a Saturday.  It's sucky
to have to devote your precious time to a class, but it is so worth it.  We
opted for the one day crash course and my husband complained for the two weeks
leading up to our class and until the second the instructor opened her mouth.
But when we broke for lunch the first thing out of his mouth was “Wow, I'm learning
so much”.  It was a fantastic way to learn, especially as first time parents.
Write down every single question you have.  I guarantee that they will all be
answered before you get the chance to ask them, and more.  By the end of the
class you will be so confident and ready for your baby to join your family that
you won't be able to hold it in. You'll be practicing diaper changing on little
dolls every day at home.  You will be putting together every single piece of
baby gear that you have.  You will have a diaper bag all packed and ready to go
for your first outing with baby.  Hurry up and pack that hospital bag, because
after running around crazy doing all of that stuff you will be in labor in
about five minutes.          

 Since you're on your way to the hospital, be
sure to pack your hospital bag accordingly.  There is no need to overdo it.
Bring a comfortable sports bra, a pair of flip flops, some pajamas, your
toiletries and of course an outfit to bring your little one home in.  I can't
stress enough how important it is to remember about your husband in this
process.  There is a very strong chance that he will want to stay with you
overnight in the hospital at least one night.  Make sure he has a change of
clothes, PJ pants, and a toothbrush in that bag as well.  While you will not be
able to eat during the labor process, he will need to. Especially if labor goes
beyond that 8 hour mark.  Pack some protein bars or other snacks to help keep
his energy up.  Just tell him not to eat in front of you because there is
nothing worse than watching the person who got you into the mess you're
currently in, enjoying a bag of salty chips and candy bar, then washing it down
with a cherry cola while you're throbbing, screaming and completely famished
and unable to do anything about it.

Speaking of starving, there is a pretty good
chance that when you get home with your new bundle of joy eating will be the
farthest thing from your mind.  The days will just fly by between feedings,
diapers, pumping and mommy brain that by the time you lay down to get a few
hours of sleep at night you will realize that you completely forgot to eat all
day.  If you want to come home after your hospital stay not wanting to worry
about cooking anything for a bit then I suggest you prepare a bunch of meals
and freeze them before you go into labor.  It will help to remind you to eat once
you get back home, because you will completely neglect your rumbling stomach. 
Plus, it's far easier popping some chicken soup in the microwave than dealing
with trying to squeeze in time to cook something from scratch.   Take some time
on a pre-baby Saturday to make batches of lasagna, soup, chicken cutlets,
meatballs or whatever else will whet your appetite. You're going to need all of
that food to keep your strength up and milk supply going for your new bundle of
joy.  

You must remember that your emotions will be on
overload during and after pregnancy.  There will be crying. There will be
irritability.  There will be unnecessary arguments over stupid crap with your
partner. A warning - the tears are going to just start flowing for no reason. 
Who knows what will set you off?  The latest celebrity break up.  The fact that
there is no more orange juice in the refrigerator.  The store being sold out of
that CD that you just had to have at that specific moment in time.  I remember
losing it once while I was pregnant because some water spilled on the floor in
my kitchen.  That puddle turned me into an honest to goodness basket case for a
solid hour. There was no consoling me.  A little bit of water completely ruined
my life for a while.

The Sliced and Diced Vagina

 While I can’t relate to any mothers who
delivered via cesarean section, I can tell you that a vaginal birth is no
picnic. Not during labor and certainly not after. Labor is intense and like
nothing you will have experienced ever before. And while the end result, the
baby, is fantastic the real prize is being able to see your vagina again. It's
a shame that it looks like it was hacked by a machete for a while, but at least
you can see it!

When you are in labor, you will not care what
you look like. I promise.  I went into labor at 3am and was at the hospital by
5:30am, hair all a mess, still in my pajamas.  In the 8 hours that passed I
must have had 22 different hands shoved up my vagina, and 17 people just
staring at it like it was the 8
^th
wonder of the world.  By hour 3 I
was like “Hey come on in, the shop is open for business. Everyone come have a
look at my goodies.” I felt like the neighborhood pimp's number one girl.

The first few hours after labor you still won't
give one New York City subway rat’s ass about what you look like. All of the
Doctors are checking on your wounds and stitches every half hour.  Lactation
consultants are coming in to randomly squeeze your nipples.  Nurses are coming
in to pump you full of pain killers and make sure you pee.  I couldn't wait to
get home and finally be free of the invaders.  Seriously – having a nurse
pouring warm water with a squeeze bottle over my vagina after peeing was just a
little too personal for me. 

I know there are oodles of women who want to go
natural, and that is awesome, and brave, but for those of you who are on the
fence, don't try to be a superhero. If the time comes, and the pain is
intolerable, take the epidural. It does not make you weak.  It does not make
you a bad mother.  It makes you calm.  It makes you relaxed.  It makes you
completely ready to push that baby out and bring him into the world.  And you
know what?  THAT makes you a superhero.

Don't freak out at the possibility of an
episiotomy during childbirth. It was all I could think about for the whole nine
months.  “Excuse me Doctor, but stitches in my vagina? All the way to my butt?
No thank you!!”  It was the one thing that freaked me out about the entire
ordeal. So much so that I would begin to hyperventilate at the thought of it. 
Knowing how I felt about this, my Doctor offered me an elective C-Section and I
seriously contemplated it. Ultimately I decided to just go with the flow and I
am glad I did because in all honesty by push time you can't tell what's going
on down there.  It hurts, it's numb and you just want it to be over.  So you
might need it or you might not.  You wouldn't know either way – at least not
until after that new mommy - I can't believe I'm not pregnant anymore - cutest
baby ever high wears off.

During your 3 (or 4) days in the hospital you
will have the option of keeping your little one by your side or keeping him in
the hospital nursery.  Be smart and let him stay in the nursery during the
night so you can get some sleep.  You and your baby will be exhausted after
that journey and you will both need the rest.  Have baby in your room with you
when you have visitors, during the day when you want to show him off to the
other new moms, and when you and your husband are alone wanting to bond with
your newborn.  But during the night you should get all the sleep you can while
you're able to and feel at ease knowing there are professionals there to take
care of baby. 

The labor process forces you to be extremely
limber. It's kind of amazing how while you're nine months pregnant all you can
do is waddle around the house, plop on the couch like lump, and can't even bend
over to pick up your car keys when you drop them, but come labor time you are
as flexible as a twelve year old gymnast. During labor and delivery you are
going to be in positions you never knew you could be in.  Legs all up in the
air, knees at your ears, squatted with your butt just barely touching the
floor. Once you’re all healed and back to normal you should sign up for yoga because
you'll be a rock star!

When the time comes to leave the hospital you
will be walking out the door with a ton of free goodies.  It's like getting a
party favor for going through twenty hours of torture.  Diaper rash cream,
formula, combs and more.  My hospital even gave books for baby and continued to
mail us books throughout the first year!  Make friends with a nurse or two and
try and swipe as many packs of newborn size diapers you can from the hospital.
I guarantee your baby will be wearing that size far longer than you think and
nobody ever buys newborn size in preparation. I only had size 1 at home because
every single mother I knew convinced me that size 1 was the way to go and my
son wasn't wearing them until he was three months old. 

The second you walk out of that hospital you and
your husband are going to feel completely lost.  Hoping that the car seat is
installed correctly. Driving 20 miles under the speed limit getting home. 
Walking ever so slowly up those steps to the front door.  You'll walk into the
house and realize that you have absolutely no idea what to do next.   The
answer is simple.  Put the baby in the swing.  He is sleeping I guarantee it. He
will be sleeping for hours.  Just put him down, and let the swing rock him back
and forth while you get yourself situated and prepare for that first feeding
minus hospital assistance. It begins in 3...2...1...