Tales of a First Time Mom: A collection of all the crap the baby books didn't tell me. Some gross, some funny, all absolutely true. (4 page)

 Baby wipes are magical. They aren't just for
wiping baby boogies.  They literally clean everything. The fingerprints your
little one left on the TV.  The crumbs and dust on the coffee table.  The
crusted tomato sauce on your flat top stove. The 3 week old stain in your
carpet.  I can't even begin to imagine how many I go through in a day.  Oh my
goodness, how many in a month!  Not only are they in the nursery, but they are
also in the kitchen, in the bathroom, in the car and in my purse. The single
worst thing that could possibly happen to me is running out of baby wipes.  Without
them, my world would end & life as I know it would cease to exist. 
Armageddon in baby wipe form. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Mother
Nature is really going to get me good one day.

You will never get enough of those one piece
zippered footie pajamas. They're super easy to find in newborn, 0-3 month, and
3-6 month sizes, but  once your little one gets to that elusive 6-9 month size
your search becomes harder than finding pirate treasure.  Zippers became
everything to me when I was exhausted, trying to change a diaper for my newborn
at 3am.  Now they save me the hassle of trying to wrestle my toddler with snaps
and pants.  One zip and it's over.  Completely genius!     

Use and abuse your snap and go stroller as much
as you can.  It is insane how completely easy it is to just snap your infant
car seat onto that thing and do whatever you need to do.  Plus the under basket
storage is far better than any regular stroller on the market.  Once your kid
is too big for it and has to move on to a regular car seat and stroller be sure
to add 25 minutes to your shopping routine. You'll need it to load the kid in
the car, pack the stroller, unload the kid at your destination, unload the
stroller, strap the kid in the stroller, dig out his sippy cup and remember to
get your purse out of the front seat before you hit the mall.  Man I miss that
snap and go.

Your microwave bottle sterilizer will be the
single most useful baby item that you have. It is good for so much more than
just bottles.  Pacifiers, baby spoons, bowls, plastic toys, sippy cups,
anything you can imagine looks brand spanking new once you toss it in that
sterilizer.   Does your engagement ring need a good cleaning?  Just pop it in
your microwave bottle sterilizer. Three minutes in there and it instantly
becomes a stunner again. 

If your child becomes a pacifier baby (which is
totally fine in my opinion) be sure to buy every single pacifier your baby
store has in stock. Keep them in every single room in your house.  Put two in
your purse, & three in your diaper bag. Put two in the side compartment of
your car door.  Hide six in the nursery.  Bring four to your in-laws, and stash
the rest anywhere else you can think of.  I also keep one of those large
acrylic jars that hold about 12 in my kitchen.  I've got them everywhere and
still find myself searching for one on occasion.

For a while there I was beginning to think my
son was a sorcerer and could magically make stuff disappear....... but I was
wrong.  I found all of those missing pacifiers underneath my sofa.  Seven to be
exact.  So now I have this insane collection of pacifiers since I had been
replacing them as he lost them.  The Binky Fairy is going to have a field day
trying to wrangle all of them up when she comes to our house. 

You do not need a jumperoo AND an exersaucer. 
Especially if you don't live in a great big giant mansion with thousands of
extra square feet to keep baby stuff in. Pick one and go with it.  They are far
too big and annoying to try and maneuver around your house.  Ideally, an
exersaucer that bounces will be your best option. 2 for 1 – look at that,
you're already saving money, and precious square footage.

Installing a car seat is really not that difficult.
In fact, thanks to the LATCH system that all cars are equipped with now it’s
quite easy. The hard part is keeping the straps from getting all twisted and
tangled with every single car ride.  The tangled knot of straps will always be
the worst when you are in a super rush, and your kid is in a craptastic mood
pulling your hair while you are trying to fight with the straps and get him all
buckled in.  If you're smart, you followed my previous advice on the ponytail
and your precious hair will be saved from yanking.

Save your back and keep your diaper bag light. 
2 diapers, a travel pack of wipes, powder – and that's it! In fact, just put
that stuff in a travel Ziploc bag and toss it in your purse.  I used to carry
around a giant heavy diaper bag everywhere I went filled with everything I had
in his nursery and more, just in case, and truth be told, I never needed it
once. As soon as I realized that I was suffering for nothing I changed things
up.  Now I keep what I call my “bye bye bag” in the trunk of my car at all
times.  Diapers, wipes, blanket, toys, pacifiers, first aid, an extra outfit,
some baby food pouches, an empty baby bottle, bottle of water and 2 of the
formula to go packs. Basically my entire diaper bag and then some.  I tossed
the 2 diapers and travel wipes in my purse and haven't looked back since.  That
bye bye bag is always in my car, so I know I always have the items close by if
needed and I save myself unnecessary trips to the Chiropractor.  Win win.

I'm an iPhone user, and I thought about all
those baby apps.  Log the poo.  Log the feeding.  Log the tears.  Log the milk
pumping.  I ultimately decided against those & I'm so glad I did.  I swear
if I had to log every single one of those things I would lose my mind.  I have
a hard enough time trying to remember to enter his doctor appointments in my
calendar. Parenting is really not that difficult.  If he pooped, change him. 
If he's hungry, feed him. If your boobs are engorged to the point of explosion,
pump those puppies.   You will find a schedule that works for you and your
family, and when you do, just go with it.  Everything will fall into place.  I
truly believe that being a go with the flow mom has decreased my stress and
helped me to truly appreciate every minute with my little guy.

It's so much fun watching your baby discover and
learn new things every day. Learning to roll over.  Learning to crawl. Learning
to walk. Your poor baby will be forced to repeat every new task he learns so
that you can get the perfect photo, or capture it on film. I realized that
whenever my son learns to do something new I treat him like he's a dog that
learned a new trick.  I make him do it over and over again, and then reward him
with a snack when he's done.  Shame on me – I should buy him a toy instead.

Allow me to explain to you the wonder that is
the red SOLO cup – a mother’s greatest ally. This one simple item can and will
keep your little one completely amazed for hours.  I know that you have tons of
expensive educational toys with lots of buttons to push and colors galore, but
I can guarantee you that those toys won’t matter to your baby as long as you
put a red SOLO cup in front of her. Don’t worry, one day that cup will stop
being so fascinating and your baby will start to play with all of those great
toys you bought for her.  But in the meantime, less is more. Less is way more.

While cute and fun to play with, toys that blow air,
make loud sounds, or move on their own are scary to little kids.  They'll cling
to you and cry their eyes out until you put that toy on the highest shelf of
the closet never to be seen again.  So don't even bother with them. Although
when you do purchase one of these toys, you are going to torture your child
into watching it operate and laugh at his fear.  Shame on you.

Confusing Stuff and Sensitivity

Everything goes in the mouth.  Absolutely
everything.  You will be using your vacuum every single day, maybe more than
once, but your baby will still find the tiniest little spec and eat it. A dust
bunny can't possibly taste better than the food I offer him. Can it? I remember
this one day vividly when my kid totally ate a dog food kibble. What the heck was
I supposed to do? After having a mini panic attack, and imaging my son right
next to my dog enjoying a meal together, I removed the kibble from his mouth,
and gave him water to rinse out.  It’s all I could do.

Brace yourself for tons of phases. A lot more
than you already anticipate.  A year into motherhood, I've been through tossing
everything out of the crib, I don't want the bottle OR the sippy cup, don't you
dare try to clip my nails, I feel like crying all day long, spitting out every
spoonful of food, bath time is the worst time of day, this toy sucks, I want to
sit in my dirty diaper all day long and I'm going to bang on this no matter
what you say.  It goes with the territory ladies. It’s time to practice your
patience, because you're going to need it.

So your kid is rocking back and forth and
banging his head on the wall?  Don't freak out.  It's just him comforting
himself.  I learned that pretty quickly.  Maybe I could relax more if I banged
my head against the wall....

Is your freshly fed, freshly changed, kid
screaming uncontrollably? Just whip out your iPhone or iPad. Our friends at
Apple have created the baby whisperer. Steve Jobs really was brilliant. The day
my son figured out how to unlock my iPhone was hilarious.  The look on his face
was absolutely priceless.

Now for the sensitive topic....... One of the
biggest debates that have women in mommy groups up in arms is using crying it
out (CIO) to sleep train.   Here is what will happen.  Four or five months into
your new life with your baby, the lack of sleep will kick in.  Really kick in.
Then you will do tons of research and get opinions from other moms you know
that have used the method, or have chosen not to use the method. Do not let
discussions get heated, because they can and will.  This is the one topic,
other than breastfeeding, that will send moms over the edge.  There are studies
out there both for, and against sleep training, and you will need to do your
research and decide what is best for your family.  I can tell you that the
decision that I made on whether or not to train via CIO was a difficult one,
but in the long run was the right one for us.

Man, That's Totally Annoying

You might not realize it now, but pretty soon
just about everything that happens around you is going to annoy you like
crazy.  Everything from the dog barking to opening your mail will drive you
insane.  It's not all bad though.  Really.

I've learned the words to far too many cartoon
theme songs, and you will too.  I find myself singing along and bopping my head
to the tunes when they come on the TV.  Since I'm laying it all out on the
table I'll admit it – I watch some of those shows after my son has gone to bed.
There really are only 104 days of summer vacation and I want to know about
every single adventure that Phineas and Ferb go on. For the record, Phineas and
Ferb is absolutely hilarious.

I used to hate doing laundry. I would let it go
until Sunday and spend that whole day doing six or seven loads.  Now I really
hate doing laundry. I do it every single day. Between crib sheets, rompers,
onesies, and socks I have double the dirty. But I must say there's nothing
quite like the smell of clean baby clothes – mostly because it's so much better
than poop stains and spit up.

The doorbell will only ring during nap time. 
The delivery guy.  The friend that just stopped by to say hi.  The mail man
with a certified letter. Some dingbat trying to preach the word.  A sign on the
front door is necessary.  “Napping baby inside.  You wake him, you take him.”

In a house full of toys and games and books and
stuffed animals, the only thing my son wants to play with is the power button
on my television set. Try and hide that button from your kid.  He will find it
and he will push it 84 times in a row. Then he will scream at the top of his
lungs when you pull him away and tell him no.  He'll get over it fairly
quickly, and then proceed right back towards that television set, and the
vicious cycle will begin again.  I hope you have a DVR, because as long as that
button is in your child's sight, you're not watching anything. 

Not only will the television power button be
irresistible, but so will the remote control.  Something with lots of buttons
that he can hold in his hand and drag all around the house will be everything
to your little one. He'll be randomly changing channels, the volume will be
non-existent, sonic boom and everywhere in between, and he will be changing
your video settings before you know it.  Baby plus remote control equal a mini
mommy nervous breakdown. Especially when you can't figure out how he got the
SAP into permanent mode.   Get a second remote minus the batteries for baby to
play with.  He will still have lots of fun and you will maintain your sanity
knowing your real remote is stored safely, far away from sticky toddler hands.

First Christmas and first Birthday with your
baby will be so much fun.  You and your family members will do everything to
make it a memorable experience. There will be mounds of wrapping paper for your
little one to crinkle and toys everywhere.  Literally.  Toys everywhere.  But
seriously with the toy packaging? It literally took me 15 minutes just to get
the thing out of the plastic shrink wrap.  Now I need to dig out my pliers to
pry the cable ties off?  Crap, I also need a screwdriver to open the battery
compartment.  And not just a regular screwdriver.  One of those tiny Phillips
head ones that only computer technicians keep in their briefcases.  And I need
to do all of this while my kid is having a fit wanting to play with the toy
that he wants so badly? Thanks a lot toy companies. You suck.  Don't you have
any moms that work for you?