Talk Sexy to the One You Love (5 page)

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Question 8: In addition to talking sexy, what sexual behaviors, positions, techniques, games, or clothing do you wish you could experiment with?

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I Wish, I Want / 45

Question 9: What sexual fantasies do you wish you could share with your partner? Which, if any, of these fantasies would you want to actually experience for real?

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Question 10: When you think about your partner’s body, what turns you on? Describe it in detail.

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Question 11: When you think about your own body, what turns you on? Describe it in detail.

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Question 12: What sounds do you wish you could make when you’re making love? What sounds do you wish your partner would make?

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Question 13: How do you need to be touched? If you had the courage to speak up, how would you tell your partner to touch you?

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46 / Talk Sexy to the One You Love

Question 14: Imagine you are making love right now and you are whispering into your partner’s ear. What would you be saying?

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Question 15: Imagine you are making love right now and your partner is whispering into your ear. What do you wish he was saying?

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Question 16: If you were so uninhibited that you could cry out during lovemaking, what would you cry out?

And when would you do it? During oral sex? Upon penetration? During intercourse (which positions)?

During orgasm? During your partner’s orgasm? All of the above?

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After you have completed all sixteen questions in Exercise 3, put your notebook away. Try to take your mind off sex for a while—it may be your last chance!

Clean out your closets, plant an herb garden, or bathe the dog; take long walks, ride your bicycle to the beach, or go for a

I Wish, I Want / 47

scenic drive. Then, after at least one or two days have passed, begin Exercise 4. And please note: If you are disposing of all written material after each writing session, you may prefer to proceed immediately to Exercise 4 to avoid extensive rewriting.

Exercise 4: Read My Mind

(SOLO)

Take out your notebook and open to your completed Exercise 3. (If you had to dispose of your notes, start by repeating Exercise 3 on a fresh sheet of paper.) Look at Question 1 and slowly read through your answer.

You don’t have to read it aloud right now—we’ll be trying that later on. But it is important to get the feeling that you are reading to yourself in much the same way you would read aloud, slowly and attentively. What does it feel like to read over what you have written?

Add to your answer if there is something you left out, or if you have any new thoughts.

Now look at Question 2 and read through your answer in the same careful fashion. Once again, feel free to expand upon your answer at this time.

Proceed in this way through the remaining questions.

Exercise 4 may seem rather simplistic, but don’t let that fool you. If you want to change the way you talk to the man you love, it is very

48 / Talk Sexy to the One You Love

important that you get to know all of the facets of your erotic self. It is also crucial that you learn to accept these many facets, and, ultimately, to embrace them and celebrate them as a vital and invaluable part of you. By reading through this material over and over again, you are beginning to do just that.

But that’s not all. If you want to change the way you talk to the man you love, you need to start changing the way you talk to yourself. You need to get used to chatting with yourself about sex in a more candid, graphic, and gutsy fashion. You don’t need to be chatting aloud, at least not yet. But you need to be chatting. The more comfortable you get with your own sexy inner dialogue now, the easier it will be to get those words out of your mouth later when you need them most. For these reasons, I recommend returning to Exercise 4 periodically as you proceed through the remaining chapters of this book.

From Shakespeare to Shake Your Groove
Thang

The next and final exercise in this chapter is designed to help you get to know yourself even more intimately (yes, even
more
intimately). In the previous exercises, I’ve asked you to use your imagination as much as possible. This time, we’re going to do a little borrowing from the imagination of others.

I Wish, I Want / 49

Exercise 5: Arabian Nights

(SOLO)

Did you tremble during the sex scenes in
9 1/2

Weeks
? Have you read
Lady Chatterly’s Lover
more times than you can remember? Does a Renoir nude make you want to take your clothes off too? We all have our favorite sexy stories, sexy film scenes, sexy song lyrics, sexy poetry, etc. Some of it lights our fuse, some melts our heart, and some turns our legs to Jell-O. Right now, I want to know your favorites. By answering the questions on Sample Page 5 in as much detail as possible, you’re going to help yourself define and refine what it is that turns you on most. So take out your notebook and get to work.

Sample Page 5

(COPY AND COMPLETE)

Question 1: What are the sexiest films or film scenes you’ve ever seen?

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What made these films or film scenes so sexy?

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Describe the most erotic, most memorable scenes in as much detail as possible.

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50 / Talk Sexy to the One You Love

Question 2: What are the sexiest books you’ve ever read?

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What made these books so sexy?

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Describe the most erotic, most memorable passages in as much detail as possible. If you have these books in your possession, you may want to copy these passages into your notebook.

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Question 3: Are there certain magazines that turn you on (for example, magazines with sexy stories or magazines filled with pictures of celebrity male hunks or bodybuilders)? Are there any catalogs that you find erotic to browse through (for example, lingerie catalogs)?

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Describe what turns you on most about the photographs or the writing in these magazines and catalogs.

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I Wish, I Want / 51

Question 4: Are there any paintings (Renoir’s
Large Bathers
, for example), sculpture (Michaelangelo’s
David
, for example), or other works of art that turn you on?

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What is it about this art that you find so sexy?

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Question 5: Is there poetry that turns you on? Are there songs that turn you on (the lyrics, the music, or both)? Make a list.

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Write down your favorite sexy prose and/or song lyrics.

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After you have completed all of the questions in this exercise, read through everything you have just written.

Once again you need to take your time, letting the words sink in as you read to experience the depth of your full sexual self.

C H A P T E R 6

Getting Connected

A
LOT of women who come to my office in search of advice or help tell me they wish they could talk sexy to their partners. Yet, typically, these same women are inexperienced and somewhat fearful. Many of them have never said a single sexy word in their lives. It’s hard for them to imagine there will
ever
be a time when they will be able to speak an entirely new language.

I tell these women the same thing I’m going to tell you: If talking sexy is something you
really
want, if you don’t pressure yourself, and if you do the exercises I give you, following the instructions as faithfully as you can, it
will
happen. It might take a few weeks, or even a few months (though it could take just a few minutes), but it will happen. But what can you do
until
it happens? What can

54 / Talk Sexy to the One You Love

you do today, right now, this very moment, to get much more passion from your partner and from yourself without saying a single word? What can you do the very next time you make love that will both immediately enhance your lovemaking, and also set the stage for the eventual introduction of your new vocabulary?

Don’t Say a Word to Your Partner

I have taught hundreds of women how to talk sexy.

But I have never asked a woman to go home after our first session together at the clinic and try to start right in talking sexy to her partner. Never. That’s just too much pressure. On the contrary, I very specifically say: Don’t try to talk sexy to your partner right now—not yet—not even if you are bursting at the seams.

What I do ask each woman, however, is that the next few times she is making love to her partner, she complete several simple assignments. My assignments actually consist of a series of nonverbal exercises that I will present in this chapter. Note that these exercises are not just for people who want to talk sexy. These are exercises for
anyone
who wants to feel more connected to his or her partner and intensify the experience of making love, and I assign them regularly to the vast majority of individuals and couples I work with.

I realize that these are the first exercises I am asking you to do in the presence of a partner. That could be a little scary, even though you

Getting Connected / 55

won’t be doing
any
talking, and you won’t be asking your partner to do anything at all (except, perhaps, to turn the television off). You need to know right now just how simple and nonthreatening these exercises are. In the first exercise, you will be doing nothing more than making a few basic observations during lovemaking. That’s it. In the second and third exercises, you will be changing your behavior, but in very subtle ways; some of the things you will be doing are so subtle, in fact, that your partner may not even notice that you are acting any differently than you always do.

Now I realize that my descriptions do not make these three exercises sound terribly provocative, but don’t let that confuse you. Follow my instructions, and these exercises are practically guaranteed to jump-start your partner and charge your battery in the process.