Talk Sexy to the One You Love (3 page)
Read Talk Sexy to the One You Love Online
Authors: Barbara Keesling
Keep His Sensitive Spots in Mind
While I encourage you to explore the deepest recesses of your sexuality, I must also ask you always to be sensitive to your partner’s capabilities and his limita-tions. Don’t ask for the moon if
22 / Talk Sexy to the One You Love
you know that he can only deliver a few shining stars.
If, for example, your partner tends to ejaculate fairly quickly during intercourse, you don’t want to ask for
“an hour of great screwing.” If he is concerned about his erections, you don’t want to tell him how badly you “need it big and hard.” I understand that there are some things about your partner you simply cannot know until you ask him. When that is the case, try to be excessively gentle and caring in your presentation.
Remember that you always want talking sexy to be a source of excitement and erotic connection, not a source of unnecessary friction.
Did Your Partner Give You This Book?
If your partner gave you this book then you already know how he feels about hearing you talk sexy. But that still doesn’t mean you should just turn to Exercise 1 and jump right in. You need to ask a few questions first.
How carefully did he look at the book before he handed it over to you? Does he know what it is he is asking for? What, exactly, are his expectations? Is he sure
he
is ready? Is he prepared to be totally accepting of the results? You need to be sure right now that your partner’s attitude is realistic and reasonable.
And how do
you
feel about this book? Does the idea of talking sexy shock you? Scare you? Turn you on?
Turn you off? Turn you upside down? Before you do anything, I think it’s very important to get clear within
yourself
whether or
Talking to Your Partner about Talking Sexy / 23
not this is something you want. If it isn’t,
stop right
here
. I don’t believe in trying to please a man if it does not please you too. As I’ve said already, talking sexy is not for everyone. If you know it’s not for you, you should not let anyone—not even the man you love—pressure you into trying.
Even if the thought of talking sexy excites you, you need to make it very clear to your partner that you will proceed at your own pace, in your own way. And if you feel pressured at any time to “deliver the goods,”
you need to communicate this to him immediately.
If it sounds like I’m asking a lot, I am. Talking sexy can trigger many sensitive issues for a couple, and I want to be absolutely sure that, before we begin, these issues are attended to as carefully and as thoroughly as possible. Sexual pressure, miscommunication, and missed communications (conversations that should have taken place, but didn’t) create sexual tensions of the most unpleasant kind. Relationships, as you well know, are hard work under the absolute best of circumstances. Unnecessary sexual tension is the kind of conflict that every couple could live very happily ever after without.
Y
OU’RE almost ready to begin. Starting in Chapter 4, you will find fifty-one easy-to-follow exercises that have been designed and organized with one goal in mind: To teach
any
woman, even the shyest rose, how to become completely comfortable talking very, very sexy.
Most of the exercises in chapters 4 through 11 are what I call “solo” exercises for women, and are clearly labeled as such. Solo exercises are exercises that I would like you to do
alone
(that is, without your partner), in the privacy of your own home. In some of the exercises you will just be writing, in others you will be whispering, speaking out, or even shouting; in a few exercises
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I will be asking you to do nothing but use your imagination, while in others I will be asking you to use your vocal cords to their fullest capacity.
To do these solo exercises, you need to feel completely safe. This means that
no one should be able to
hear you
—not your partner, not your children, not your neighbors—no one. If you have to lock yourself in the basement, or practice in the shower, that’s okay.
The important thing is that you are absolutely certain that no one but you can hear.
Later in the book, you will find a number of partner exercises, labeled “With a Partner.” These exercises have been designed for a couple to practice together, if your partner is so inclined.
It is important that you
and your partner have complete privacy
while doing these exercises. You need to be out of earshot of children, relatives, neighbors, and law enforcement offi-cials. If there is no private, reasonably soundproof place in your home, send the kids to their grandpar-ents’ or to another trusted relative’s house. Better still, get a sitter for the kids and go to a motel—preferably one that has solid, well-insulated walls between rooms.
You’ll Need a Notebook
…
As you begin to look through the exercises, you will notice that periodically I ask you to write things down.
Sometimes I ask for specific words, phrases, or sentences. Other times I will ask for thoughts, associations, dreams, fantasies, stories, or
Get Ready, Get Set… / 27
recollections. I am doing this because, as you will soon discover, writing is a powerful tool for freeing both your imagination and your tongue. Please believe me when I tell you that the writing assignments in this book are every bit as important as the speaking assignments. Don’t give them short shrift.
Buy a small notebook or journal and use it exclusively for the exercises in this book (don’t clutter it up with grocery lists, phone numbers, tax records, etc.).
Think of this as a special record of the exciting journey you are about to take to your own wild side.
Keep This Material Private!
This is very important. You are the
only
person who should have access to your writing. This material is deeply personal, and belongs only to you. I realize that there may be a number of occasions where you choose to share some of this writing with your partner. I don’t want to discourage that. Under the right circumstances, this can be terribly exciting for both of you. But the decision to share this material must be yours and yours alone to make. To learn to talk sexy, you need to feel totally safe.
To insure this, it is crucial that you have complete control over any access to your notebook. If you fear that your partner, your children, your roommate, other members of your family, or
anyone
other than you could read this material against your wishes, you will not feel safe, and you will not be able to complete the exercises in
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the style in which they were designed. If you cannot be absolutely certain that your notebook can be kept totally private, I discourage you from keeping
any
written records of these exercises. If you still wish to do the written portions of any exercises, I recommend using individual sheets of paper that you can dispose of at the end of each exercise. This may slow you down a bit, since some of the later exercises utilize material from previous exercises and you may have to rewrite your earlier responses. But privacy is more important than anything else. I must also ask you to please be thorough with your paper disposal process. A paper shredder may be a bit much, but don’t leave a semicrumpled ball of eroticisms sitting at the top of the wastebasket.
Use My “Sample Pages” as a Guide
As you flip through the exercises, you will also notice that some of the pages in this book have been set up to look like workbook pages. This has been done for you to use as a guide.
Don’t write directly on these pages. It is much easier to work with a notebook, and you’re going to need the extra space. Even more important, working with a notebook leaves you free to share
this
book with your partner without having to worry about whether or not he sees your private notes. Right now, you may feel that you want to share
everything
with your partner, but that feeling may change as you begin exploring very intimate and personal material.
Get Ready, Get Set… / 29
As you begin each exercise, copy the relevant Sample Page(s) into your private notebook. Then, follow the directions from the exercise as they apply. You will also notice some directions printed on each Sample Page.
Start from the Very Beginning
…
The exercises in this book are presented in a very specific order, starting with simple icebreakers, and slowly building up to serious ice-melters. Please try to do the exercises in the order in which they’ve been presented.
Otherwise, you might find that you’ve taken on a little too much too soon. I encourage you to repeat exercises numerous times, getting very comfortable with what you’ve learned at each step before moving on to the next one. If you need to backtrack, that’s okay too.
The easiest way to do these exercises is to read through each one carefully before you begin. Reread it if necessary. Then start the exercise as instructed.
If you are working on a partner exercise, both of you should read through the exercise before you begin.
Then discuss the exercise once you have both read it.
It is important that both partners understand their individual roles in each exercise. If either of you has any questions, doubts, or concerns, it is important to flush them out
before
you get started. Keep that line of communication open and clear. The more you talk now, the more you’ll want to talk later.
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And Don’t Rush
…
By the time you have completed all of the exercises in this book you will have all of the tools you need to talk sexy for a lifetime. But even the exercise program itself has been designed to add spice to your lovemaking for many weeks or months. So take your time, and enjoy it.
I discourage anyone from trying to complete all fifty-one exercises over a long weekend. It isn’t necessary, and it won’t be as exciting or as helpful. There is absolutely no reason to rush. You don’t have to complete half a dozen preliminary exercises before you get to the good stuff; every exercise is exciting and every exercise has its own erotic payoff. Pace yourself comfortably and try to savor each one. You will quickly discover that the anticipation of adding a few new exercises every week to your erotic repertoire will add an exquisite element of sexual tension to your everyday life.
W
HEN it comes to the subject of talking sexy, I could speak volumes. But I’ve
talked enough. It’s time for
you
to start talking. It’s time to start learning
firsthand just how nice it can feel to be a little bit naughty. It’s time to get down and get sexy. Are you with me? Have you simmered in silence long enough?
Are you ready to feel the burn? Good. Then let’s get started. Trust me, it won’t be long now before you understand why I always say: You haven’t really had sex until you’ve had sex while talking sexy.
You will notice that this chapter contains only one exercise. This solo exercise is very simple, probably the simplest in the entire book. But
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don’t let that fool you. I honestly believe that Exercise 1 is the most important exercise you will learn. Why?
Because it is going to help you give yourself permission to start talking sexy.
Talking Sexy Starts by Saying “Yes”
What a difference a word makes, especially if that word is “yes.” In this first exercise I’m going to ask you to say only one word—one very sexy, exciting, provocative word—and that word is “yes.” Okay, so maybe it doesn’t sound that sexy right now. But believe me, it will when you start saying it, because “yes” means “I give myself permission.”
“Yes” means giving yourself permission to be more expressive with your partner before, during, and after making love. “Yes” means giving yourself permission to experience the deepest recesses of your erotic self, to break taboos, to reveal a sensual side of yourself you have always kept secret. “Yes” means giving yourself permission to live a fuller, more gratifying, more electrifying, and more complete life with the man you love. Sound simple? It is. But it’s also true.
It is my conviction that the single greatest obstacle to talking sexy is giving yourself permission. Even if the words, the fantasies, and the desire are all there, there’s this awful policeman who is also there, alive inside your head, stopping you from letting go. You know the voice—cold, judgmental, maybe even merci-less. Now there may have been a time in your life, when you were
Giving Yourself Permission / 33
much younger, that this policeman protected you, stopping you from being careless or out of control. But you’re a grown woman now, and all this policeman is doing today is keeping your lips sealed tight and taking the joy out of your sex life.
Enough is enough. Life’s too short, and that list of things you’re missing out on is getting too long. It’s time to tell that officer that he’s no longer welcome.
It’s time to pack his bags, get him his coat, and buy him a one-way bus ticket out of town. It may take some work. But one little word is going to get you started.
Exercise 1 Yes
!!!
(SOLO)
Go into your bedroom, bathroom, home office, or other private, quiet, soundproof room and lock the door behind you. Take out your notebook and open it to the first page. Enter today’s date. Write down everything you see on Sample Page 1a, just as it appears in this book. Take your time, savoring each sentence as you write it.
Sample Page 1a
