Talk Sexy to the One You Love (9 page)

_________________________________________________________

Butt

Buns

Ass

3. Semen

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

His Precious Parts / 87

4. Pubic hair

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

5. Foreskin

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

6. Nipples

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

7. Anus

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

Other parts of his body that turn me on: _________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

Exercise 14a: Man Talk

(SOLO)

Once again I want you to lie down on your bed or find a comfortable chair to sit in. Close your eyes and start to think about your lover’s body. Now focus all of your attention on his

88 / Talk Sexy to the One You Love

testicles. As you visualize his testicles in your mind, slowly mouth the word
testicles
without making any sound. Mouth it again. Feel the way your tongue and teeth make contact. Mouth it again.

Now, in the lowest of whispers, say the word
testicles
out loud. Keep your eyes closed and keep the image of your lover’s testicles ever-present in your mind.

Whisper it again and again and again. Raise your voice ever so slightly and whisper it again. And again. And again. And again. Continue to raise your voice, saying the word
testicles
over and over again, until your voice has reached the level of a stage whisper.

Open your eyes. The next word on your list is
balls
.

Close your eyes once again and repeat all of the above steps, this time, saying the word
balls
. Continue on in this fashion through all of the words and phrases on your “testicles” list.

Your next list is the “buttocks” list. With your eyes closed, and the image of your lover’s buttocks clear in your mind, practice whispering all of the words on the
buttocks
list by following the above steps.

When you have finished with your lover’s butt, work on his semen, his pubic hair, his foreskin, his nipples, his anus, and any other body parts you have written down in your notebook. Practice each word or phrase over and over until you feel extremely comfortable whispering them out loud, giving special attention to the ones you have marked with an asterisk.

His Precious Parts / 89

Sample Page 14a

(COPY AND COMPLETE)

Saying these words made me feel…

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

The words that turned me on the most were…

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

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C H A P T E R 9

Just for Laughs

I
TAKE sex very seriously. I have studied human sexuality for more than ten years. I’ve written three books about the subject. I have taught in various colleges, and I lecture throughout the United States and Europe. Like I said, I take sex very seriously. But that doesn’t mean you should.
Nothing
adds more spice to lovemaking than a dash of humor
.

And let me tell you, it took a long time for me to learn this. When I was younger, I was serious about
everything
. But one night at a dance club in Los Angeles all of that changed.

It was disco madness in L.A.
Saturday Night Fever
was the rage (I hope I’m not dating myself too much) and my feet were worn out. So I decided to take a breather in the ladies’ room. Anyway, there were three extremely attractive

92 / Talk Sexy to the One You Love

women, who were obviously close friends, freshening their makeup in front of the mirrors and comparing notes with each other about their dates. It was a classic scene: Every ear was tuned to this three-way conversation, yet the three women were barely aware that anyone else was even in the room. That’s when one of the women began to describe her previous evening. “I could hardly believe it,” she began, “but we laughed and laughed and laughed till we fucked…then we laughed even more…and then we fucked even more…I’ve never been so turned on.”

I could hardly believe it as well. Laughter an aphro-disiac? Well, I’ve never forgotten that night or her words. It changed my attitude toward lovemaking and I’m hoping that today it will change yours. Humor is an incredible turn-on before sex, during sex, and after sex. Sex can be very funny. Everyone knows that sex can be pretty exciting. It can be dramatic. It can be gorgeous. It can be intoxicating. It can be exhausting.

And it can be dirty. But you also need to know that sex can be
fun
. And if you give me a chance, I’ll prove it to you.

Smile When You Say That

Every woman has her share of old boyfriend stories and I guess I’m no exception. Though many of my relationships were eminently forgettable, the funniest ones were not. I remember, for example, one man who gave me a pair of underwear

Just for Laughs / 93

with a little tag in it that said, “If found, please return to….” Next to that he had printed his name and phone number. This same guy used to joke a lot about how much guys masturbate. He swore he was going to get rich marketing a palm tattoo for men that said: FOR

MEMBERS ONLY.

It seems like lots of men get a kick out of giving women’s private parts humorous nicknames. Over the years, for example, I’ve had my vagina dubbed quite a wide variety, including “the Promised Land,” “the den of iniquity,” “pumpkin patch,” “heaven’s gate,”

“Mrs. Jones,” “the princess,” “Love Canal” (I think that guy was a little hostile), “home sweet home,” “the Bermuda Triangle,” and “the Holy City.”

And what about humorous nicknames for
him
? I think every woman has at least one funny nickname for a man’s penis. Some perennial favorites, for example, are “dork,” “wiener,” “weenie,” “pee pee,” “hot dog,” “sausage,” “trouser snake,” “serpent,” “lizard,”

“monster,” “lieutenant,” “colonel,” “sergeant,” “captain,”

and “Mr. Doozey.” And that’s not even scratching the surface. I remember being interviewed on a radio show once where women were invited to call in and offer their favorite nicknames for the penis. It was a hoot!

And I
still
laugh when I think about the one woman caller who said, “I call it Richard, because it’s long for dick.”

I guess my point is that there are
so
many fun nicknames for the penis. I’m sure you can add to the list, and in the next exercise, you’re going to get that chance. So take out your notebook and your funny bone and get back to work.

94 / Talk Sexy to the One You Love

Exercise 15: Funny Girl

(SOLO)

Open your notebook to a fresh page and write down the word
vagina
(see Sample Page 15). What
funny
words, expressions, pet names, nicknames, etc., come to mind? Write them all down. If any of the words or phrases I’ve already mentioned made you smile or laugh, include them in your list.

Now write down the word
penis
. Beneath it, make a list of every
funny
word, expression, pet name, nickname, etc., that comes to mind. Once again, include any of the words I’ve already mentioned if they amuse you.

Proceed in this fashion through the words
breasts,
testicles, clitoris, buttocks
(his
and
yours),
nipples
(his
and
yours),
anus
(his
and
yours),
pubic hair
(his
and
yours),
labia, semen
, and
foreskin
.

Sample Page 15

(COPY AND COMPLETE)

1. Vagina

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

2. Penis

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

Just for Laughs / 95

3. Breasts

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

4. Testicles

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

5. Clitoris

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

6. Buttocks

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

7. Nipples

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

8. Anus

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

9. Pubic hair

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

96 / Talk Sexy to the One You Love

10. Labia

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

11. Semen

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

12. Foreskin

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

Once you have completed all twelve lists I want you to practice saying these words and phrases out loud.

Start in the lowest of whispers and build from there.

Experiment with all different kinds of tones and expression. Say it with a smile. Then say it like you mean it.

Try to make yourself laugh. Then try a total deadpan.

Whatever you do, make sure you’re having fun!

C H A P T E R 1 0

Words to Live By, Words

to Love By

W
HAT’S in a word? Plenty, if it’s one of the many sexy words that comes to my

mind right now. What sexy words are

coming to mind for
you
right now? Is it a little scary to even think about them? Hopefully, by the time you’ve completed the exercises in this chapter, you’ll have a very different feeling.

The Federal Communications Commission doesn’t publish a list of things you can’t say to your partner in bed. They don’t have to. Each of us has our own internal censor that stops us from saying many of the things that are on our mind. But if it’s in your thoughts, it’s a part of who you are, and that part needs to come out and introduce itself.