Taming Lo: A You and I Novel (19 page)

“
No
more Lo.” He shakes me lightly, causing my eyes to dart up to
his. “Tell me the truth.” He holds my gaze, refusing to
let me look away.

I want to shake him off, make him leave, refuse to give
him any explanation whatsoever, but I can feel my resistance
wavering. I can feel the panic spreading into my chest and when my
voice finally explodes from my chest, I don't even recognize it as my
own.

“
I
love you okay. I love you. Is that what you want to fucking hear?”
My voice shakes as the emotion seethes through me. “Does that
make you happy?” My voice continues to climb and I shake his
hands off of my arms, stepping out of his embrace.

“
I
only refused to admit it because it doesn't change anything. I can't
be with you Dax. I can't give you what you want. I can't love you the
way you want me to. That ability was taken away from me a long time
ago. I know what it is to love. To be weak and vulnerable. To be
blinded by your feelings for the other person. I know what it is to
put my trust into someone and have that trust betrayed in the worst
imaginable way.”

“
Everyone
gets hurt. That's life. That doesn't mean you never
feel
again
at the risk of experiencing that hurt a second time. Trust me, I
know. It's been ten years since I swore off the possibility of ever
loving someone again. Ten years and every single moment of those
years just fell away when I found you. It no longer matters what I
faced then, only what I know I want to face in the future, with you.”

“
It's
not that simple.” I try to reason with him.

“
Yes
it is. It is exactly that simple.”

“
No
it isn't.” I shake my head, backing even further away from Dax.

“
Then
tell me why? If you are just going to throw this away....” He
gestures between the two of us. “Then I at least deserve to
know why.”

I want to hold it in. I want to push it down and refuse
to let it out. But the words leave my lips before I ever mean to
speak them. “They raped me.” I say, watching the way his
features immediately contort at my words. “They raped me. All
of them. Is that what you want to know?” My voice trembles but
I push forward, determined to get this out.

“
I
was sixteen years old, a junior in high school.” My mind
immediately drifts back to that time as I speak. “Ricky was a
senior and one of the most popular guys in school. When he asked me
to the first dance of the school year, I thought I was the luckiest
girl in the world. Things only got better after that night. He was
kind and patient. Never pushed me for more than I was willing to
give. He told me he loved me and he was okay waiting.” I blink
through my tears.

“
He
said he loved that I was a virgin and wanted me to be ready when we
finally decided to be together. I was so fucking stupid.” I
shake my head. “I loved him. I thought he was the perfect
boyfriend. I was wrong. So fucking wrong.” I wipe at the tears
now flowing down my cheeks.

“
We
had been dating about six months when it happened. We were at a party
at the house of one of our mutual friends. The night started out
pretty normal. I wasn't much of a drinker but Ricky insisted that I
have a drink to loosen up. I only remember drinking one. That's it.
One drink and the next thing I knew, I was waking up cold and naked
in one of the spare bedrooms. There was blood all over the bed. I
didn't know what had happened. I was terrified. I remember ripping
the sheet off of the bed and stuffing it in the trashcan when I left,
scared of what people would think if they saw it and what that blood
meant.” I shutter at the thought, holding my hand up when Dax
takes a step towards me.

“
I
remember being sore. I was so sore. I had no idea why or what had
happened to me but as I walked over three miles home in the crisp
morning air, I started to piece it together. I didn't want to admit
it. I wanted to scald myself under a hot shower and forget it ever
happened. I prayed that Ricky would never find out. I was so scared I
was going to lose him over it. I told Lilly. She was the only one and
I made her swear she wouldn't breathe a word of it.”

“
I
tried calling Ricky all day that day but he never answered. I found
him Monday at his locker but he was cold and brushed me off, saying
he didn't have time. I walked around that entire day feeling this
enormous amount of dread. The longer the day went, the heavier the
feeling became, until I felt so weighed down by it, I couldn't
breathe.”

“
Lo.”
Dax's voice cuts through my fog and I look up to find his pained
expression just inches from my face.

“
Ricky
stopped talking to me after that. No breakup, no explanation, he
just..... Stopped. Two weeks later is when the pictures surfaced.”
I cringe at the memory.

“
It
was Ricky. Ricky and two of his friends. They drugged me, all three
of them raped me, and what's worse..... They photographed the whole
thing. When I didn't come forward about being raped, they spun the
story that I was a willing participant. The only photos of my face
were from the side so you couldn't tell I was unconscious. Picture
after picture started surfacing, each one worse than the one before
it.” I choke back the sob as I lift my hand to cover my mouth,
trying to physically hold myself together.

I didn't know how hard this would be. Telling it to
another living person is almost like reliving that hell all over
again. My hands are trembling and my tears are now an endless stream
running down my cheeks.

“
The
kids at school all believed Ricky of course. They called me horrible
names. Taunted me. Bullied me for weeks. When I couldn't take
anymore, I decided to go to my parents. By the time I told them what
really happened, they didn't believe me. They said I was troubled and
that it was wrong of me to try to ruin three promising futures with
such accusations. I was their daughter.” I sob out. “Their
fucking daughter, and they didn't believe me.” I hold my hand
up and take a step backwards, needing my distance from Dax.

“
For
the next year I was known as a slut, a tramp, the girl who let three
guys fuck her at a party. People would whisper every time I walked
by. Snicker when they passed me in the halls. Laugh and point when
they would see me outside of school. It was endless. Lilly was the
only reason I made it through. If not for her, I probably would have
ended it long before it got that far.”

“
I
left Indiana the day I graduated and never looked back. I have not
seen or spoken to my parents or anyone else but Lilly since then. Is
this what you wanted to know Dax?” I turn my anger towards him,
my vision blurred, my voice broken.

“
Is
this what you wanted? To know what they did to me? What they
all
did
to me?” I spit, finally finding his eyes for the first time in
a while. “To see how broken and fucked up I really am?”

“
Lo.”
He starts but I immediately cut him off.

“
You
asked me to tell you and now I have. Now if that's all, I would like
you to leave. Please.” I try to fight the quiver in my voice.
“I said leave Dax.” I say, pointing towards the door, a
fresh set of tears emerging. “Now Dax. LEAVE!” My voice
echos off of the walls around us and yet, he still makes no attempt
to move.

He just stands there, staring at me. I'm not sure what
he's trying to decide.... Whether to leave? To stay? To accept that I
am a lost cause and he needs to move on? Either way, my temper and
emotion flares with each second that ticks by.

“
I'm
sorry for what happened to you but Lo, I am not him. I would never
hurt you. I would never betray your trust.” He says, a sadness
in his eyes that makes it hard for me to breathe.

“
I
can't. I'm sorry. I can't.” I say, seeing the moment that he
accepts my decision. His shoulders sag forward slightly and he gives
me one last long look before turning, grabbing his shirt and shoes
from the floor and then quickly exiting my apartment without another
word.

The door frame rattles as he slams the door on his way
out. Sinking to the floor, I pull my knees to my chest and let myself
go. I let myself cry over the past. Over the present. Over the future
I just gave away.

I cry until I have no more tears to cry and then I call
the one person that I know will understand. The one person that has
always been there for me, even when I was too stubborn to let her be.
I call my sister.

Chapter
Twenty-Nine

Lo

“
Hey.” I
peek my head inside of Anna's hospital room, wanting to make sure she
is up for a visitor before just barging in on her.

“
Hey.” She
gives me a bright smile from the bed and gestures for me to come in,
a bundled up baby held tightly to her chest.

Bentley gives me a large dimpled filled smile and stands
from where he's sitting on the side of Anna's bed. “Lauren.”
He nods to me and then turns and leans down, pressing his lips to
Anna's forehead. “I'm going to give you girls a few minutes. I
have a few phone calls to make.” He says, running his hand
gently across the side of his son's face.

“
Take care of my
boy.” He beams down at the baby.

“
Always.”
Anna looks up at her model of a husband and smiles. The interaction
is so sweet and yet, makes me feel a bit nauseated at the same time.
I'm not sure if it's because they are so cute it's sick or because my
mind immediately drifts to Dax.

“
I'll be back in
a few minutes.” He pauses next to the door, turning back to his
wife one last time before leaving the room. The second he's gone, I
practically skip towards the bed, so excited to finally get a glimpse
of the little guy I have been waiting months to meet.

“
Oh my God. Oh
my God.” I squeak lightly, quickly crossing the room to get a
look at Lucas Joseph Reed. “Anna he's beautiful.” I sigh,
the moment she pulls the blanket back and I catch sight of the cutest
red cheeked, dark haired, little baby boy that I have ever seen.

“
He is, isn't
he?” She beams down at the infant in her arms. “He's got
Bentley's nose.” She smiles, running her finger lightly across
the tiny little nub on his face.

“
And your dark
hair.” I say, gently reaching out to touch the baby's head.
While Bentley has dark hair too, Anna's is near black, much like her
new sons. “He's perfect Anna. Absolutely perfect.” I say,
looking down at this amazing little miracle.

I remember when I used to want this life, when this was
the only life I wanted. A husband, children, a big house with a
fenced in yard, our kids out back playing with the dog. I shake off
the thought and turn my focus back to Anna and Baby Luke.

“
For just having
a baby, you look incredible.” I say, not missing how
unbelievably beautiful she looks, even in her less than flattering
hospital gown with her long hair tied up in a messy bun on the top of
her head.

“
I don't feel
like I look incredible.” She pouts. “I thought that after
I had the baby I wouldn't look pregnant anymore.” She frowns.

“
I'm pretty sure
it takes a few weeks for your body to get back to normal.” I
shake my head at her playfully.

“
I know....”
She sighs loudly. “He is totally worth it though.” As if
just remembering what she got out of all of this, she beams back down
at the baby boy in her arms.

“
Bentley said
you were only in labor for six hours when he called.” I say,
grabbing one of the stiff backed chairs from the corner of the room
and pulling it up next to the bed.

“
The worst six
hours of my life.” She laughs lightly.

“
Well that's
what you get for going all natural. You realize that they have these
amazing drugs that make it where you barely feel a thing right?”
I question.

“
I just wanted
to experience it for what it is, you know?” She peers up at me
through thick lashes. “I didn't want to dull it or numb away
the pain. I wanted to experience actual child birth.”

“
You are
probably one of the only women to ever make that statement.” I
laugh.

“
Patty never got
to experience having a baby.” She says, referring to her
adoptive mom that passed away just weeks before Anna found out she
was pregnant. “I felt like I needed to experience the real
thing for both of us, ya know?” She smiles up at me. “Do
you want to hold him?” She asks, just as I start to sit down.