Tangled Thoughts (4 page)

“I know.” I scrubbed my hand over my head. “But what's
his
problem? Did he ask you out or something?” Her beauty queen smile told me my guess was right on.

“Before you. Long before. His family is old money friends with Daddy. I saw him for the first time in years at orientation.”

“Obviously you declined.” I raised my hand at the first cab we saw but it zoomed past.

“Like I'd go out with a wank like that! God, where are the cabs!” She stamped her feet before leaning on the side of a bus stop. “Plus,” she added, “I don't tend to date gay guys either.”

“Except for me.” I knew you shouldn't poke an angry bear, but it amused me how Lex used to suggest to most of Northbrook that
I
was gay. She punched my arm with her good hand, and then hailed the next taxi herself. Naturally it stopped. I slipped my arm around her shoulder for the ride to my apartment. “So what was old Afton doing asking
you
out then?”

“Afton is hiding so deep in the closet he can't even find the light switch. He might be
slightly
less of an ass if he weren't overcompensating so hard for who he is. He'd kill to work for your uncle and he makes a good show of dating girls, but besides wanting my job, he's really jealous I have
you
, hot stuff. Not the other way around.”

“Huh.” That made a lot of sense, actually. “Does everyone know that?”

“Everyone but Afton.” After some miles of quiet, Alexis said, “So really though, do you feel better now?”

“I'm sorry?” I turned to look at her, her profile disappearing in and out of shadow as we drove.

“Can we admit that wasn't really about me?”

“Who do you think it was about?”

“You.”

“
Me
?”

“Yes. You.”

I was feeling like I'd been punched again. I took my arm from around her. “Do you really think I'd just stand around while he said those things about you?”

She tapped me on the chest. “
And
your uncle.”

“And my uncle,” I agreed. Would I have provoked him if he'd only been talking about Lex? She seemed to think not. It wasn't a question I wanted to examine. The cab pulled up outside my building and I hastily paid the fare before continuing our argument on the sidewalk. “I wasn't going to let him talk like that,” I reiterated. “About either of you.”

Despite that she, obviously, cared, she said, “What do I care what that dipshit thinks?”

“I don't care what he
thinks
either. He was doing more than
thinking
.”

“Whatever. What he says still doesn't matter.”

“It matters
to me
.” And it did. I held open the outer door and followed Alexis into the elevator.

“Well, thank you for defending my honor.” She flicked her hair over her shoulder as we rose. “But really, you just wanted to work your aggression out. Afton was a good excuse.”

“What aggression?”

“Babe, really?” She glanced back at me. “About
her
. You've wanted to beat the shit out of
someone
since the last time you saw her, but so far the only good candidate has been yourself.”

Shit. “That
wasn't
about her.”

“Sure it wasn't.”

“Fine. I'd rather not talk about her.” We were at my door now, and I stepped around Alexis to unlock it. I contemplated leaving her in the hallway.

To my back, she said, “For fuck's sake, Carter, maybe we should. She's always here anyway.”

“No.” I yanked the door closed again and spun around. Lex let out a little squeal of surprise when I pulled her tight against me and my back banged into the door. “
I'm
here. And
you're
here.”

“Oh yeah?” She leaned into me and reached around my waist, slipping her hand into my back pocket, where the note usually lived. It was empty. She tensed and straightened to look me in the eye. Hers were shiny and surprised. “Wow. Okay.”

I nodded once and held her gaze. Alexis's eyes were hers alone, deep and brown and wanting to trust me. “That
wasn't
about her.”

“Okay,” she repeated, relaxing into me. In my ear, she said softly, “
Thanks
.”

“I'm here and you're here. That's it.”

This time when her fingers reached around my waist, they found the door handle and opened it, pushing me through. Then they found their way to the top button on my jeans. I closed the door behind us.

“You know what?” She made quick work of the button and was easing down the zipper now.

“What?”

“Afton was right about one thing—I
am
good at this.”

When she pushed me down on the couch, I let her.

I hated myself, but I let her.

In the morning, after Lex was gone, I folded and put away the pair of jeans I'd hastily changed out of before the party. I looked at the note briefly before transferring it to my wallet. Later, at the fitness center, I'd find one of the heavy bags and pretend it was me.

Lainey

J
ack's friends had staked out a decent spot on the side, with a clear view of the stage below. He barely had time to introduce us before the first opening act started up. The band was surprisingly good for an early act. Concentrating so hard on their music was helping me ignore how nervous I felt. I couldn't relax and the beer I was still holding and not drinking wasn't helping.

Next to me, Jack seemed at ease and, well, really attractive in his expensive jeans and button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up. He knew how to wear clothes that fit, I'd give him that.

Yeah, I was completely crushing on this guy.

Those flutters in my stomach, the ones I'd wondered when I'd ever feel again, were not entirely welcome. First of all, they weren't for Carter. Even though we weren't together, would never be again, I couldn't shake the tiny feeling of betrayal creeping around my brain.

Second, Jack may have been hot, and friendly, and had at least decent enough taste in music to be at this show, but he was still my TA. I didn't think hanging out with him was even appropriate, let alone the
other
things I was thinking.

Jack lightly touched my arm and I nearly jumped over the railing. The band was playing an acoustic number, quieter, maybe their last song. “I'm glad you're here, by the way,” he said in low tones.

“Really?” is what came out of my mouth, probably too loud and definitely embarrassing. I wondered if he'd caught me checking him out.

“Sure, why wouldn't I be?”

“Um…” I didn't know how to say it without sounding like a nervous freshman, or terribly uptight, both of which Amy would probably have told him I was. She'd already peeked over her shoulder at me with a look that said as much.

But Jack smiled like he could read my thoughts. “Is it weird to hang out with your TA?”

I held up two fingers an inch or so apart. “Little bit,” I admitted and felt better immediately.

He nodded. “How about we consider each other off-duty? I promise I'm not grading you right now, but knowing you have good taste in music
might
positively affect your grade going forward.” He touched his hand to his heart like an oath and I couldn't help but laugh.

“Then I'm glad you're here too. I could use all the help I can get!”

“Nah,” he said. “You actually go to lecture. You're already ahead of sixty percent of the class. But no more talking about class. Off-duty, remember?” I smiled and, without thinking, started to take a sip of my drink. When I realized Jack was watching me, I dropped it back down to my side. I wished I'd just left the damned thing on the bar.

“I don't like warm beer either. Why don't you let me get you another one?”

“Um,” I repeated, blushing. Again. And, once again, Jack saved me from my own awkwardness.

“Lainey, listen. I meant it when I said I'm glad you're here. Probably I shouldn't have offered to get you a drink. Actually, it could probably get me fired, but I don't really care if you're drinking. You've got a bracelet. And, listen. I'm new to the city, you seem cool, and we're here, right? If you want a beer, I'd like to get you one.” I hesitated, and he said, “Or I'll just leave you alone, if you want. Sorry.” He cleared his throat. “So, could I get you a drink?” He finished with a duck of the eyes and the most self-effacing smile, the combination of which seemed to erase all my reservations.

I'd been planning to tell him I'd just have a water, but what I said was, “Sure. I mean, please.” I was a little surprised when I said it, but I actually
did
want a drink, so why not? Let myself have some fun, as Amy would say. I suddenly felt bold and uninhibited.

Jack came back from the bar with a round for all of us just as the second act was starting up. On the talent spectrum, they were on the low end, which they made up for with volume.

Amy made a horrified face while covering one ear with her free hand. “I'm going to need at least one more of these,” she shouted, taking a sip of her beer, “to make it through
this
. When does my shirtless bass player get here?”

Jack leaned down and shouted back, “You guys want to sit this one out?”

Did I ever. My new shoes
were
sexy, but still new. Near the back of the room and half hidden behind the bar was an unoccupied couch. We moved aside some coats that had been tossed there.

“God, this girl is an insult to music!” Amy flopped down dramatically, forcing me to scoot closer to Jack. The band rampaged in the background, the lead singer wailing into the mic. It was mercifully quieter in the corner where we sat, but also brighter. The music hall was
definitely a place best enjoyed when the lights were down. Amy gulped her beer and said, “You were serious about slumming it. Are all the places around here this dingy?”

“You know full well there are plenty of dingy places on your side too.” When Jack gave us a curious look, I explained, “Amy goes to MIT and thinks the clean water flows on the Cambridge side of the Charles.”

Jack laughed and Amy pulled a face. “It does,” she pronounced primly, taking another drink from her bottle. “Though I don't suppose either of
you
would understand.”

“You grew up in Chestnut Hill,” I reminded her and she huffed at me.

“How long have you two known each other?” Jack asked.

“Two years and forever,” Amy answered. “Right, Lane?”

“At least.”

Amy leaned over me to look at Jack, shoving me a little closer still. “You didn't go to Harvard or something, right? Because you kind of have that look and maybe I'd like you even more then.”

Carter was supposed to go to Harvard
, I didn't say, and Jack said, “No,” with an easy smile. “But I
do
want you to like me.”

“So where
are
you from?”

“Here, for now, by way of Albany, California, and…a few other places.”

Amy squeezed my arm and said, “Lainey's a little bit of everywhere too.”

Jack regarded me. “Makes you feel at home nowhere and everywhere, right?”

I nodded, wondering how he'd managed to put into words exactly what I'd always felt.

“Army brat?” Amy pressed.

“Good grief, Ame, with the inquisition?” My neck was flushed and I resisted the urge to lift my hair and run my cold beer across it. Amy probably would have told me to do it.

“
What
? I'm interested!”

“It's fine,” Jack said. He bumped my shoulder with his. “I don't actually mind. Not Army, no. More of a family brat, I guess you could say.”

“Uh oh. Don't tell me you're the black sheep?” He seemed so…perfect, I couldn't believe that.

Next to me Amy giggled and went
baaa
,
baaa
as she took the last swallow of her beer.

Jack laughed, shaking his head. “That's my father, actually.”

“Really?!” I wasn't sure if I said it, or Amy did, or both of us.

“How so?” For sure I said that.

“My father,” Jack said, “married for love, much to my Grandparents' chagrin.” His voice was steady, even, like he'd told this story a hundred times and now they were just words he repeated.

I gasped. “What's so wrong with marrying for love?”

“Nothing, unless it's the ‘wrong' person.” Jack stood. “Another?” He gestured to Amy's drink and she nodded.

“Well,” Amy pronounced, watching Jack walk up to the bar. “He's
interesting
.” I glanced sideways at her. “By which I mean
hot
.
And
interesting.”

I sighed. “I know.”

“You should seem more excited about that, Lainey baby.” She laid her head on my shoulder as Jack turned around with a fistful of drinks. “Don't think I haven't seen him eye-fu—”

“Amy! Please.”

“I'm just saying. Clearly, he digs you.”

He returned with drinks for all of us, even though I didn't really want another one. “Handsome
and
thoughtful. I like you, black
sheep.” Jack bobbed his head chivalrously to hide a grin. Amy plucked two beers out of his hand and stuffed one into mine.

It was in between sets by then, the wailing over but still ringing in my ears. In the few moments of quiet, I said to Jack, “Don't you want to hang out with your friends?” Amy nudged me with her elbow but I ignored her.

“Bored of me? Or were you trying to meet someone here? Sorry, I didn't even think—”

Amy laughed, saying, “We were trying to meet
yo
—” and I elbowed her harder.

“
No
,” I said. “No no. It's not that. Either of those things. I just thought…” I didn't know what I thought. Or I
did
and I shouldn't say it.