Tangled Up in Daydreams (23 page)

“Helen!” Henry, calling upstairs. “I'm leaving. I'll see you later.”

“ 'Bye!” Calling down. “Have a good day.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Henry was dressed in his chef's coat and clogs. It was still so weird not seeing her dad freshly shaven and in a suit. He looked so different now, longer hair, a beard. He actually looked happy, his mind calm and not wrapped up in what he had to do three months from now. Molly actually felt she would choose to be friends with this new version of her father. She wished he had been around before. Did he know how much he had changed? How his kids looked at him? How Helen did?

Since she had been home, Molly had caught glimpses of her mother watching her father. There was this schoolgirl quality that washed over her mother's cheeks. Helen's eyes would twinkle, beam like a cheerleader watching her quarterback sweetie throw the winning pass. Even how freely they would exchange “I love you” was exciting. It was as if Helen was rediscovering herself and her husband, and what she was finding was better than it had been before. And Molly knew that her father's asking her mom to come and work at the restaurant made her mother feel needed again.

What Molly didn't know was that when she initially left the nest, now more than a decade ago, things were colder, Helen's life, chillier. Molly knew times had been tough, but she never knew the details. These were the things Helen would allude to with her daughter but never fully share even in their most intimate conversations like the one they had had last night. Helen walked a fine line with her daughter because she didn't want to scare her or make her see her father as an ordinary man with ordinary issues. She still wanted Molly to have some of her fantasies about her dad, even though Helen knew Molly was an astute observer and saw what was left unsaid.

It was when the house was empty, when Henry was at work all the time and there was no one around to nurture or to laugh with or to yell at to make their bed, that Helen lost her center. She spent hours alone, weeping uncontrollably. She would wander around the house looking for something to do and hours later would find herself half dazed and pruned in the tub or shivering outside on the porch in nothing but a thin T-shirt. She went to a doctor, who prescribed some pills. Helen would hide the bottles in her tampon boxes to keep them from Henry. She didn't want him to know just how fragile she was. She was embarrassed by her dependency on him, on her kids. When had the peace-loving activist girl inside her transmuted into a woman who could barely get dressed in the morning?

She lived with this secret until Henry, one afternoon a few months into her “treatment,” really looked at his wife across the table, really looked at her. Helen was too even, too calm. Helen was a ghost of herself. She saw him watching, looking, wondering, and she began to cry. Everything flowed from her then, and she talked and wept and yelled until she felt empty and clean. Henry reached over, took her hand, and swallowed all she had released. He saw her stripped and raw and embraced her, then he began to change. It wasn't until that moment that he really understood how disconnected they all had become—or really how he had become from his family. He unwittingly had become his father, just giving enough of himself to allow him to stay in control of his emotions. It was in this moment that he decided to be different, act different, love harder. Helen noticed the subtleties after a while and stopped taking the pills. She stopped crying, wandering, or forgetting where she was. She started sculpting again, as she had done in college, and working at the library in town part-time. She did her hair and bought new lingerie, and felt butterflies everytime she looked at her husband. Even now, when years have passed, she still gets the giggles about him and thinks it's a blessing. Helen knows this is what Molly sees, and this is what Molly wants to emulate in her relationship with Liam. The ability to change and evolve. Molly sees how people can grow and become better versions of themselves, truer to themselves. This is a lesson to hold on to, but maybe Liam can't change what he has become like Henry could. Maybe that's why it needs to end and Molly needs to move on with her life.

“What do you have there?” Henry, coming over and giving Molly a kiss on the cheek.

“Jay sent me some information about this space she found.” Pulling the pictures out and showing her dad. “What do you think?”

Henry glanced at the photos and sat down on the couch next to Molly.

“I think this place looks great. You guys could make it into a very interesting little shop. The rent seems reasonable.”

“The people who own the building really want these tenants out so they are trying to give good incentive.”

“You guys wouldn't need that much start-up money. Is Jay going to invest?”

“Yeah, fifty-fifty, her parents are into it.”

“Is this what you want to do?” Looking at his daughter.

“I don't know. I seem to be having trouble making decisions lately.”

“I noticed.” Scanning the pictures again. “Your mom says that your jewelry is selling really well and getting on all the right necks. That should tell you something. The snaps and clippings you send her are absolutely beautiful.”

“You've seen those?” Sort of surprised.

“Sure, Mom prints them out for me.”

“Still can't turn on the computer?”

“Nope.”

“I think you were one of the only lawyers to not touch the thing.”

“I bet you're right, but I just can't get the swing of it.” Looking over the pics again. “This seems like a good move.”

“It does, but this is not what is making me confused.”

“I know that, but maybe a shop and a new project would make all the other stuff fall into place. Your life can't be about just one thing.”

“It's a pretty big thing, Dad.”

“Look, Molly, when you were younger, your mom and I never had any trouble figuring out what you needed. You were so self-sufficient and independent.”

“Only on the outside.” Molly whispering.

“What?” Henry's eyes widened a bit.

“Well, I wanted you to be proud of me. I wanted to be perfect.” Admitting more than she wanted or realized. “I didn't want you to have to bother with me too much.”

“Molly, did you think that if you had trouble with something we would love you less? That's insane. Bother us? You are our daughter, you're supposed to need us.”

“That
you
would love me less.” Looking down.

“Oh, man.” Running his hands through his beard. “Is that why you never wanted help, why you had to do everything by yourself?”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“Baby, it would be impossible for you to do anything to make me love you less. You could screw up royally, whatever that expression really means, and I would stick by you.”

“Thanks, Dad.” Hugging him. “I feel a little lost right now.” Opening up more.

“You have been standing still here too long. I know it has only been a few weeks, but you have to jump back into your life and get going. As much as we love having you here, this is not your home anymore. And as much as I miss you and hate that your life exists miles away from my protective gaze, you belong back in LA.”

“Are you telling me to leave? Thanks.” Getting upset.

“No, I am telling you to start living again. Your mom told me about Liam. I don't really know what to say about him except that it all sounds like something you need to start distancing yourself from. Molly, what are you doing?”

“I thought I just heard you say that I could totally fuck up and you would not judge?”

“I'm not judging, I am voicing concern.” Staring at his daughter.

Molly could only hold her father's stare for a short second before she let her head fall. Her eyes welled up. Just the fact that they were having this heart-to-heart made Molly uncomfortable. It wasn't that she didn't trust her father or want to be frank with him, she just never had exposed herself so fully to him before. This was all new territory. Before, she hadn't wanted him to think she was weak, to think she wasn't tough enough to handle whatever she was thrown. And still now, she didn't want him to think that she wasn't perfect and perfectly in control.

“Oh, Molly.” Pulling her into a hug. “You have to stop all this.”

“I know.” Wiping her nose. “It's just that …” Unable to finish.

“You love him.”

Molly nodded her head and caved into her father.

“I don't know what to say to you.” Shaking his head.

“Say something. Yell and tell me what to do.” Pleading with her father. “Tell me to leave him, tell me what an asshole he is! Tell me I deserve better!”

“I could say all of that and mean every word, but I can't.” Holding her again. “I really want to, but would that really work? I would just be yelling at you.”

Molly didn't respond. They hadn't had a real heart-to-heart with each other since right before she left for Los Angeles. Her dad had come in her room late one evening as she was packing and handed her this huge box to fit into her trunk. Inside was every tool known to man, a mace canister, LoJack, an earthquake kit, and one thousand dollars cash. It was the way Henry illustrated how worried he was, and the only way Molly would let him be a dad and protect her. Their shorthand was through wrenches, hammers, freeze-dried water, and emergency economics, not conversation. Now they were talking and Molly felt tongue-tied.

“I really don't want to yell at you. Molly, you have all the information you need to make up your own mind. I love you no matter what. This guy, though, has some serious problems and if you want to help him and work it out, that's fine, but that's a big burden to take on. If you don't do it, that's fine too. It doesn't make you less loving. It scares me that you love someone so unstable, but I am not going to scream at you and shame you into doing what I think is best.”

“Do you mean all that, Dad? You're so calm.”

“Yes, and I know. Who have I become?” Cracking a smile. “It's freaking me out.”

“Me too.”

“Should I scream at you a bit for good measure?”

“No thanks. I will take a rain check on that.”

“Seriously, I guess the only thing I am absolutely sure of is how headstrong and capable you are. You'll do what you need to do.”

“How can you be so certain about that?”

“Because I am certain of you.”

Henry sighed and stretched out. He looked at his daughter and felt a bit trapped. Much like Helen, he was trying to tiptoe around all the things he wanted to say. If he followed his heart he would tie her to her bedpost, dig a moat, fill it with alligators, ring it with fire, and never let down the drawbridge to anything with a penis.

“Molly, you have to live your dream and not be sidetracked by this.”

“So, look out for number one?”

“Something like that,” Henry responded. “You should do this.” Handing her back the photos. “I'll write you a check for whatever it costs.” Getting up and walking to the door.

“Thanks, Dad, but if I do this with Jay, I'm going to do it myself.”

“But I want to help.”

“I know, but I have come this far by myself and I kind of want to see if I can follow through.”

“How about a loan then? I don't want you to spend everything on this and not have anything left in the bank. Pretend I am the bank—I'll charge interest and everything.”

“I'll think about it.” Looking up at her father. “I love you, Dad.”

“Me too. I'll see you later. And, Molly, you are so much more than sitting in this house hiding from the world.”

Molly went upstairs to her room and placed the package on her desk. A missive holding the key to a potential future. Molly grabbed a hair elastic and turned to head back downstairs when she knocked her cell phone off the tabletop. She picked it up off the floor and realized she had not checked her messages all week. Molly picked up the phone and dialed in her voice mail. There were a few messages from random friends, and the last was from Liam's mother detailing his progress and where he was. Molly swallowed hard. Molly's hands were shaking as she placed the call. She hadn't talked to Elizabeth since the call from the hospital, and even though she knew she would be gracious and kind, it was difficult to dial. On the third ring a woman's voice answered.

“Hi, Elizabeth. It's me.” Clearing her throat. “Molly.”

“Sweetie, how are you doing? I was hoping you would call.”

“I'm all right. It's been good spending time at home with my family.”

“That baby must be coming soon. You all must be so excited.”

“A few more months. We just found out it is going to be a boy.”

“Wow, that is terrific. Your parents must be thrilled.”

“Yeah, it's all pretty strange though—getting my head around my brother being a dad. I can't really imagine having kids now.”