Tangled Up in Daydreams (33 page)

Molly exhaled. Is it even a baby yet? Just a few cells, right? A fetus, an embryo. Babies were bouncy and buttery and full of powdery smells and tears. Babies were flesh and bone and bedtimes. Babies were responsibility and intense and permanent. Molly was never permanent, even her hair color constantly changed. Molly panicked. She forgets to do laundry, to always clean the toilet. She sometimes lived on cereal. Alone? How? Maybe this wasn't “the” baby, her baby. But it already is a baby. Maybe she could. She can. She would. She was definitely going to have it. It had a face and weight and it already felt like hers. Even an unplanned pregnancy was somehow going to become incorporated into her life. She did always want to have Liam's baby. She was sure of that in the trip up north when she met Elizabeth for the first time. It was the way Liam handled Paige that convinced Molly of how wonderful Liam would be as a father.

Molly had snuck up upon them one morning outside. Elizabeth had set up a mini easel in the garden for Paige, and Liam was sitting next to her on a tiny bench not big enough for a quarter of him. His legs drooped about, sticking out from the nooks and crannies. It couldn't have been very comfortable, but Liam had this big smile on his face, like nothing could take him out of the moment. Paige had in front of her a blank canvas, and the two of them were discussing colors. Even though she was only two, they were speaking a common language of hues. He spoke directly to her, not down to her or around her, and it wasn't as if she was a little girl, she was just a person like any other who had wishes and ideas to express. Liam managed to weave through baby talk and establish a connection. In that moment, Liam was a rainbow, a prism, a disco ball, the towel section at Bed Bath & Beyond. He was a full box of new crayons, One-Eyed Willy's treasure in
The Goonies
. He was everything that twinkled, radiated brilliance, and was on the top of every child's Christmas wish list. It was sweet and simple, a thoroughly magical moment.

Now things weren't quite as simple, but Molly never shook that lightning bolt. The feeling of finding your reproductive match, the one to complement your genes and secure your position in the evolution of the human race was enormous. Inside her, it was growing, more with every passing day, and despite everything, despite the long road ahead, Molly smiled and for the first time said goodnight to their baby.

It was late when Molly finally woke up. The sun shone brightly through her curtains and began to heat up the room. Molly fell out of bed, dressed, brushed, and shuffled downstairs unknowing of what would await her. The house was completely empty. Dishes were drying by the sink, a pot of coffee sat warming, the paper folded neatly on the table. There was no note, no nothing. Everyone must have fled. Molly's family was not a fan of awkward silences. They either were in the thick of it, yelling, dealing, and then trying to find humor in a bad situation or filling the gap with inane conversation about nothing important until they all retreated to their respective corners alone. Molly was grateful for the latter. It gave her more time to prepare. Her parents were going to lose it big time when she told them her news. She almost didn't want to, but it wasn't something like a bad grade that she could hide in her backpack and make up for on the next test.

She went to the fridge, fixed herself some vanilla yogurt and fruit, and picked up the phone. Maybe if she could tell one person who would be happy, the reaction from all the assumed head shakers wouldn't hurt so much when they expressed their disappointment. She dialed Jay's number. On the fifth ring, Jay picked up.

“Screening?” Molly asked.

“No, you know I don't have caller ID. I was peeing.” Catching her breath.

“How's the foot?”

“Fine, feels better, but I'm avoiding the whole high heel and liquor combo for a few more weeks.”

“Good idea.”

“What's up?”

“A lot. Big family blowout last night about Liam.”

“Yuck. What did they say?”

“What every good parent would, why be with him, he's not good for you, he's fucked up, you can do better, blah, blah, blah. Nothing new, but it was the first time they found out about the car accident and my wrist and back, and that didn't help matters any.”

“I told you, you should have told them about that sooner. It was going to come up.”

“It wasn't as big a deal as it got made out to be. We hit a curb for God's sake.” Raising her voice a little.

“It was a big deal, Molly, because that curb could have easily been a person or another car. And you couldn't walk properly for more than a month.”

“I know, but it wasn't.”

“Molly, really, does that matter?”

“No.” Quietly. “I just didn't want them to know, and now they do, and now they are certain I should leave him permanently. You probably think the same thing.”

“You know I don't. Yes, I'm scared for you. You are becoming a walking patchwork of Liam's induced scars, but I get to see all the other wonderful things and times you share, and I know he loves you. He just really needs to get his shit together big time. How do you feel? That's all that is important.”

“I feel like I can't bail the minute he finally admits his problem and goes to get help. That just seems like such a dick move. And especially now with what's going on, I feel like I have to let him try to be better.”

“What does that mean? What's going on now?”

“I'm pregnant.”

There was a pause on the phone. Molly wanted to reach inside and demand Jay to speak. The pause continued.

“Crazy, huh?” Molly added.

“Beyond.” Swallowing. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, doctor told me yesterday.”

“Do they know?”

“Not yet. I figure I would wait till things cooled down before I sprung this new part of the drama on them.”

“How do you feel?”

“Weird. Freaked. Scared. My baby's father is in rehab for God's sake.” Twirling the phone cord. “But, you know what, despite all that, I feel really happy about it.” Starting to smile. “It's like in the midst of all the shit comes this amazingly beautiful gift. I feel blessed. Corny, I know, but all of a sudden everything doesn't feel so heavy and pained. I feel lighter, more free.”

“Good, I'm happy for you. I am.” With mild enthusiasm. “It's just, Molly, this is intense. A baby?”

“Yup, but I can handle it. It's not just about me anymore.”

“What if he and you don't make it? What if he doesn't want it? What if this new sobriety does not stick? What if …”

“What if it does and I don't give him an opportunity to fix things, be better, be a father? Then what am I saying about love, about life? That when the going gets tough, I run away? I don't want to keep running, I want to stand still.”

“I respect that, Molly, but having a baby with a guy who is still in rehab isn't screaming stable, healthy father to me. It is doing the opposite. Can you start a family with a guy who you don't particularly trust right now?”

“I don't know, but I love him and I have to see if I can trust him again. I have to deal—it's not going to disappear. I know I can. I will. It's not like I am seventeen. I'm almost thirty years old! I have so much more than so many women. A job, family support, and some money. They manage and so will I.”

“We, so will we. You do not have to go it alone. I am one hundred percent behind you. Whatever you need with or without him.” Giving her support. “We can even add a whole playroom concept to the store.”

“Always thinking ahead.”

“That's why I get the big bucks.” Jay, joking.

“Thanks.”

“For what?”

“Being there, here. I love you.”

“Me too.”

“I should go and prepare for the parental divulging. They're not going to be as easy as you.”

“Good luck.” Kissing into the phone. “When are you coming home?”

“Couple of days.”

“Cool.”

Molly hung up with her best friend and smiled again. All the words she had shared with Jay were little surprises she had hidden from herself. Like a twenty you find crunched up in a pocket or a lollipop in the depths of your purse when you are on a diet and at the movies willing yourself away from the chocolate-covered peanuts. The thoughts blossomed and evolved into a new perspective. Suddenly, Molly was hopeful, she was glowing, she felt like the original peach of summer. Turned around, upside down, inside out, and loving the fact that for the first time in days she didn't want to cry when she thought about her future. Maybe things changed quickly and this epiphany was too fast, but Molly didn't care. The beauty of life is lemonade, and that takes about five minutes to make.

She grabbed her keys and started for the restaurant. In her gut, she knew the crew was there pretending to be busy. Well, they were probably really busy, they were just pretending their minds were on the jobs at hand. Molly parked the car by Sorella and popped her head in. Susan was hanging up a new shipment of Tracy Feith dresses.

“Those are gorgeous.” Fingering the colorful silks.

“Aren't they?” Kissing Molly's cheek. “We just got them and I already pulled three for myself. This one would look great on you.” Holding up a turquoise spaghetti-strap shift. “Try it.” Holding the dress out to her.

“I can't. I have to get to the restaurant. I just came by to see what you had picked out and take the rest off your hands.”

“Actually, I have a check for all of them for you. I already sold two.” Hanging the dress up and walking to the counter.

“Great!” Following her. “By the way, I may need to pick your brain soon. My friend and I have finally decided to bite the bullet and open a store in LA.”

“Very cool. Call me any time. Where are you going to be?”

“On Third by Crescent Heights. I haven't seen the space yet, but my friend tells me it's perfect.”

“I'm sure it will be. Good luck.” Handing Molly the check.

“Thanks, Susan.” Folding it and putting it in her purse. “ 'Bye.”

Molly walked the few blocks to Helen's. She almost felt a slight involuntary skip in her step. She was becoming Mary fucking Poppins! She had herself in a fit of giggles by the time she walked into the restaurant imagining herself flying, holding on to a red umbrella with a big sticker saying
BABY ON BOARD
pasted to the fabric. Supercalafrajilistic! Helen was behind the bar cleaning glasses when Molly bounded in whistling the catchy tune.

“Hey, Mom.” Going around and giving Helen a hug.

“Hi, baby.” Setting down her glass and hugging back. “Glad you came by. Everything was such a mess yesterday.”

“I know. I had to be alone.”

“I don't blame you. Dad and I were …”

“Were being parents. You were doing your job.”

“Molly, we just love you so much.” Tearing up.

“Mom, don't cry. It's all going to be fine.”

“Is it?” Staring at her daughter.

“I don't know, but I will be fine. That's the only thing I know for sure.”

“I'm scared for you.” Pulling Molly closer.

“I am too.” Quietly. “Mom, I have to tell you something else.”

“What?”

“Where are Dad and Alex? I want to tell you all at once.”

“In the back.”

Molly and Helen walked into the kitchen. The difference between now and the other night during the party was impossible to ignore. There was no music playing, no jovial joking, or talking at all for that matter. Everyone was sullen and silent, following out their tasks. Henry looked up and saw Molly. His body stiffened. Alex looked up as well and blushed. Molly walked over to her father and put her arms around him. He softened into her embrace and almost choked out a tear. He never wanted to let her go.

“Dad, I'm sorry.” Tearing up.

“For what? I am so sorry I yelled at you last night. I didn't sleep at all. I didn't mean to.” Rubbing her back. “I love you.”

“I know. I love you too.” Holding her father.

“I know yesterday I didn't handle things right, but today I will listen to whatever you say.”

“And you won't freak out and yell at me?”

“I will try not to.”

“Try really hard, Dad, because I have something else to tell all of you.”

“What?”

Helen, Alex, and Henry moved closer and leaned in.

“Okay, well, I, huh, okay, just say it, Molly. Guys, I'm pregnant.” Spitting out the words.

No one said anything and Molly could almost see her words floating before her tied up with helium balloons. They darted around the stove and huddled together around the back corner by the trash. Without saying a word, Henry walked out the back of the restaurant. Alex looked at his sister, then at his mother, and chased after his father. Helen took a deep breath, closed her eyes, opened them, and walked toward Molly.