Tantric Sex for Men: Making Love a Meditation (3 page)

In exploring a new style of sex, it is very helpful to shift our awareness from “doing” to “being.” In order to alleviate performance pressure—the doing—the first step is to remove what we perceive as the goal. Generally the goal of sex is to have an orgasm. This goal of orgasm, which is the experience that usually makes people want to have sex in the first place, is what creates pressure. As we make love our deliberate intention and efforts are directed toward achieving that final end—a climax of heightened intense pleasure that lasts for a few short seconds.

There are significant disturbances that result from making orgasm the basic goal of sex. At the very outset, the focus on trying to get to the finish naturally causes us to get ahead of ourselves. This is true for men and women alike. If you pay attention you’ll notice that your attention is more focused on the next penetration than the one happening right now in the present. Interest is generally in what lies ahead, what is coming next, and not what is occurring in the moment. The next penetration is more enticing because it brings us one step closer to the grand finale. We are unconsciously more focused on the future, so while the body remains engaged, there is little or no awareness of or in the present moment. We are following the mind with its specific ideas about how sex should go, and we are not tuning in and listening to the wisdom of the body.

Men often report wanting to have sex more frequently, but don’t know how to make this happen. Many have lost confidence in reaching woman and have little clue as to how to get her more interested in sex. In our teaching we see how long-term issues like these begin dissolving in an extraordinarily short span of time—and only because of the non-goal-oriented, conscious style of sex we propose. During our retreats, we usually begin to see encouraging signs of response within individuals and between couples within two to five days. It is an honor to witness this miracle every time, like a shift from dark into light and from fear into love. All the barriers and problems that people arrived with begin to dissolve, and couples find a fresh sexual track leading to new dimensions, uncharted territory, and unlimited love. That it happens so easily is both astounding and reassuring.

Change Your Mind to Change Your Body

A shift of the kind experienced by our participants is possible
only
because the mind has reoriented to view sex and love from a diametrically opposite perspective. Without great effort you find you are indeed actually “making” love, and finally giving the expression its true meaning. When we stay present during lovemaking we naturally create love.

The solution appearing before us is quite simple—or so it seems! If we all change
our minds
about sex, we will possibly witness a dramatic reduction in the sex, love, and relationship problems to which people unhappily resign themselves.

HUMANS NEED MORE SEX

Sexual difficulties are experienced by both men and women, with the tragic outcome that human beings do not have enough sex. When sex finally happens the experience is short lived. Most partners do not have sex frequently enough for optimum mental, physical, and emotional health. Many do not make love for months and months on end, sometimes stretching into years. Sex satisfies our bodies, hearts, souls, intelligence, creativity, and most of all, our love—of self and of others. Sex is not the only way to access love, but if you are having or wanting sex, as most men are, then sex may as well be used to its highest potential.

When a U.K. satellite television channel recently conducted a survey on what people on their deathbeds regret most, seven out of ten British pensioners—both men and women—regretted not having “shagged around” (screwed around) more. As people were dying they were wishing they had had more sex in their lives. What an incredible revelation, that human beings are leaving this world sexually unfulfilled. Since it is becoming urgent and necessary for human beings to have more sex during their lifetimes, we need to develop a more evolved, sustainable style of sex that is manageable until our dying day. We need an approach that doesn’t fizzle out when the newness is lost, disinterest or complacency sets in, or impotence or diminished hormones make sex more difficult.

EXPLORATION AND VULNERABILITY

To get more out of sex requires taking an adventurous step motivated by curiosity, intelligence, or both. The key is to make love frequently using the information and suggestions offered in the chapters ahead. If you follow where it leads and stay with what unfolds, you may soon notice a change in the quality of your life and a difference in how you feel about yourself as a man. You may even begin to perceive women differently.

As you begin to explore sex, old childhood wounds, memories, and insecurities may rise to the surface. It’s better not to try to override or ignore any sexual difficulty or insecurity. Be open to yourself and allow your feelings to emerge, expressing any tears and vulnerability, not-knowing, insecurity, or confusion. Allowing yourself space to feel hidden aspects of your being is part of a healing and reintegrating process. Sexual exploration is a journey in self-discovery that not only leads to being a better lover with improved skills, but also can transform age-old restrictive patterns and generate more love and happiness. One thing is for certain—most women prefer a man’s gentle, softer side to his hard, tougher side.

Rarely in the lifetime of the average human being are there altered states of orgasmic bliss, love, joy, and a peace that surpasses all understanding. The experience of being radiantly alive on a cellular level. Energized and aglow through merging with the body and its senses. Making love naturally presents us with an incredibly easy situation within which to “be present” and immerse ourselves in the body. Because of the absence of evolved sexual understanding, the human race suffers tremendous consequences. We are distorted by unconscious forces that affect our true nature, so that men are not truly men and women are not truly women. When we relate or connect through these distortions of our personalities and sexual identification, sooner or later the invariable result is tension and unhappiness.

SEXUAL CONDITIONING AND HOW IT SHAPES US

Each of us is unconsciously conditioned by society whether we like it or not, some more heavily than others. In conventional sexuality the majority of men tend to demonstrate the distorted versions of their true male qualities. Below you’ll find a list of true male qualities in the first column, each of which is followed by a word or a few words describing the same quality after it has been distorted through false sexual conditioning. The 1960s-era saying, “Make love, not war,” is actually a truth. A lack of sufficient fulfilling or nourishing sex often results in anger and aggression. Changing a man’s understanding, and therefore his experience of sex, naturally calls forth his original, authentic male qualities.

Tantric Inspiration

We live for sensations, we hanker for sensations. We go on seeking newer and newer sensations; our whole life is an effort to obtain new sensations. But what happens? The more you seek sensations, the less sensitive you become. Sensitivity is lost.

It looks paradoxical. In sensations, sensitivity is lost. Then you ask for more and more sensations and the “more” kills your sensitivity more. Then you ask for even more, and finally a moment comes when all your senses have become dull and dead. Man has never before been so dull and dead as he is today. He was always more alive before, because there were not so many possibilities to fulfill so many sensations. But now science, progress, civilization, education, have created so many opportunities to move further and further into the world of sensation. Ultimately, you turn into a dead person; your sensitivity is lost. Taste more foods—stronger tastes, stronger foods—and your taste will be lost. If you move around the world and go on seeing more and more beautiful things, you will become blind; the sensitivity of your eyes will be lost.

If you want the divine—the divine means the most alive, the ever-alive, ever-young, evergreen—if you want to meet the divine, you will have to be more alive. How to do it? Kill out all desire for sensation. Don’t seek sensation, seek sensitivity, become more sensitive.

The two are different. If you ask for sensations you will ask for things; you will accumulate things. But if you ask for sensitivity, the whole work has to be done on your senses, not on things. You are not to accumulate things. You have to deepen your feelings, your heart, your eyes, your ears, your nose. Every sense should be deepened in such a way that it becomes capable of feeling the subtle.

OSHO, TRANSCRIBED TEACHINGS,
NEW ALCHEMY TO TURN YOU ON

2

INVOLUNTARY EJACULATION AND DESENSITIZATION

Perhaps the most common problem or issue faced by men is their lack of control over ejaculation, which results in an extremely high prevalence of premature ejaculation. And as we know, perhaps far too well, ejaculation usually marks the end of the sex act. As we come, we finish, at least for the present moment. Research has revealed that the universal average time of sexual engagement is between two and two-and-a-half minutes. Some men are able to extend the time to fifteen minutes, others to half an hour, or perhaps even forty-five minutes.

Enjoyable as these extra minutes definitely are, they are not really sufficient for a man to channel his vitality into a woman, and to have it received by her and returned to him. A man’s ultimate fulfillment lies in being bathed in a woman’s love, in overflowing radiant response to the love made in her. Man gives to woman who receives, and then woman gives to man who, in turn, receives. A reciprocal cycle of giving and receiving comes into play.

The truth is that if man wishes to make love for longer stretches of time and reap the true benefits of sex, then the level of excitement has to be drastically reduced and ejaculation consciously postponed.

EXCITEMENT CAUSES PREMATURE EJACULATION

Stimulation and excitement almost always end up in ejaculation. Yet at the same time it is a challenge to try to imagine sex without excitement. How would it look? What are you “doing” instead? Sex without excitement sounds like a contradiction in terms. Our impetus for wanting sex in the first place is precisely for sensation and intensity. After all, isn’t that what sex is about?

Whether or not this is true for you, it is valuable to examine the role of excitement in conventional sex and perhaps come to the final conclusion that although excitement may be a great pleasure, too much of it can short-circuit the system. Facts are facts.

The basic problem doesn’t lie with excitement per se, but rather with our sexual goals and the ways we manage the excitement. We begin sex with a strong intention, deliberately stimulate our bodies and genitals, and increase the level of intensity until there is a peak and overflow. These tactics basically produce too much heat, usually more than man can handle, so he boils over and discharges his life force, thereby unconsciously disempowering himself.