Tasting, Finding, Keeping: The Story of Never (18 page)

The next two days are like some kind of fucked up fairytale consisting of dirty rest stops and stolen kisses, groping hands and moments of hand holding that remind me of the days I spent by the lake at home with Noah fucking Scott. I don't like to compare Ty to him, but I have to. For both their sakes. It's like this strange dream that I don't understand and don't want to wake up from. I mean, I went from fucking frat boys and guys whose only concerns were strippers, motorcycles and chicks, to making love to a dude with a blue nose ring and a heart that's black but only because it's been burnt and purified to ash. I don't know what to do with him or how to process what's going on between us, so I just live. For two days, I just am. I exist, and there's nothing else to it.
I think, therefore I am.
Descartes' most overused phrase is the one that fits me perfectly right now. I can't tell you what's real or what's actually happening, only that I'm me. That's it. It might not make sense, but it's true. And it's great. It's great until the bus drops Ty and I off at a dirty, weather worn bench in a town that closes down at six P.M. It's great until Ty picks up our bags (refusing to let me carry my own for some strange, male sense of courtesy that's somehow been bred into him) and we walk the mile or so down the road towards the house I grew up in.

I stand at the end of the driveway and my heart starts to pound like crazy. I'm glad Ty is holding my suitcase because my hands are shaking violently and my lungs are tight. I'm drowning. I'm drowning in memories and fear and anticipation. I turn around suddenly and stare Ty straight in the face. He looks nervous, too, but I don't know if it's because he feels bad for me or if it's just because he's in a new town, in a new state, with a bunch of people he doesn't know.

“I can't go in there,” I whisper and my voice breaks. In that living room, my father took his last breath while the life was strangled out of him. In that very same living room, my family stood against me, protected a murderer with disbelief and lies, told me they hated me, wished with all their hearts that I was gone. I made their fucking dreams come true. I did exactly what they wanted, and I left. Why am I standing here? What am I doing? “Let's leave,” I whisper to Ty as tears start to pour down my face. I can't move. I'm paralyzed.

“Never,” he says as he puts our bags down and takes my chin in his hand. I move towards him like it's the most natural thing in the world, curl myself around his broad chest and breathe in the scent of cigarettes and some sort of spicy deodorant that smells like cinnamon. This scent becomes burned in my brain, forever there to remind me of Ty McCabe and the feel of his warm, muscular arms as they come around me and pull me close. “You can do this. You have to do this. This is your family. They're here, and you can't keep running. Memories are tricky mother fuckers, and they're fast, too. You can't escape them, baby. They'll always be there. You have to look 'em in the eye and be brave.”

“What about you?” I snap, pulling back slightly. “I don't see you looking your demons in the face. All you do is fuck them.” I stop myself before I can say anything else that I'll regret, and immediately try to apologize. Ty holds up a hand and stops me from speaking. His bracelets jingle in the quiet air, blend with the sound of crickets, a sound I've missed like crazy without even realizing it.

“Stop,” he says and takes a deep breath. I can tell he's pissed at me, but I keep my mouth shut. “You're stressed out, okay, I get it. Relax.” Ty McCabe looks up and over my shoulder at the white house with the gray shutters and the empty flower boxes, at the big front porch with the swing that hasn't changed a bit since I've left. The garden is a little sparser, a little less cared for, and there are different curtains in the windows, but otherwise, the house looks the same. I turn back around and study it with Ty in silence. None of the upstairs lights are on, but all of the downstairs ones are. People are home. My people. My family.

Headlights swing off the road and start towards us. I pray that they're headed down the road, to the Murphy's house, or what used to be the Murphy's house. It's the only other house down this way, or it was. I close my eyes, and I wait. Ty grabs our bags and starts to move out of the way, but when he sees that I'm frozen, he stops and stands there while tires roll across the dirt towards us and pause. Right behind me. They pause and I know without a doubt that there is someone in that car that I know. I think about running, about taking Ty's butterfly inked hand and disappearing through the fields, dancing away the night naked in a prairie, feeling his warm body caressing mine, diving into me, filling that aching hole of emptiness.

The car stops, the door opens, footsteps sound across the ground.

“Excuse me?” says the voice and then it stops, just cuts off like an engine. Silence reigns king for several moments. I know whose voice that is, but does she know me? Is that why she's stopped talking? Or maybe she's just seen Ty and gotten caught on how beautiful he is. “N-” Jade begins and then pauses, like she can't bear to say my name. “Never?” I don't answer; I can't. My hands are hanging by my sides, curled into tight fists while I struggle to breathe, to keep my head from cracking open and spilling my thoughts onto the ground in a tangled, bloody mess. “Never, is that you?” Jade's voice breaks a little, and I think I hear tears in it.

“
I hate you, Never,” Jade hisses at me. “From the bottom of my heart, I hate every last inch of you.”

I whirl around in a spiral of dust, highlighted by Jade's headlights so that it looks like a cloud floating around my calves. I find my sister's hazel eyes in a strikingly familiar face, one that looks so much like mine that I draw a quick breath of surprise. There's so much hurt in Jade's eyes that they're nearly identical to my own. My pain mirrors her pain. How? Why? I wonder. What happened to her? Was it me? I take a step forward.

“Never,” Jade whispers my name like it's the first word to a ballad, one that doesn't end well. “Never.” And then we're both moving and our arms are going around one another and tears just fall, fall, fall. They hit the dirty ground and our sadness soaks into the Mississippi earth. For a long, long while neither of us speaks. There are no words for this moment, nothing in the English language that can encompass the emotions that I'm feeling. I think in colors for a second, in bright blues and hazy lavenders, grays that mimic the blue of the sky above the sea. And then I pull back and I look at a face that is too like mine for a half-sister. It's incredible. Jade and I are practically twins now. I touch her tears, wipe them away, cup her chin in my hand.

“I always knew you'd be prettier than me,” I tell her and she laughs. It's a nervous laugh, but a laugh nonetheless, and I'm pleased with it. Her cheeks are covered with rouge and her lipstick is too dark, but I guess that nobody taught her how to put it on, so how can she be blamed? The only things my mother passed down to us were her looks and her love for men. I wonder how I'm going to react when I see her. I try to keep a smile on my face for Jade and touch her copper hair, wonder if I should stop dying mine, and drop my hand to my side.

“What are you doing here?” she asks me as she shoots a glance over at Ty. Her eyes travel his body, rate him, find something they like and flick back to my face. “Beth said you called, but I … I didn't really believe it.”

“I'm on winter break,” I tell her, as if that explains everything.
Oh yeah, after five years I'm just home for break. Like that's gonna fly.
I don't know what else to say and neither does Jade.

“Um, let me get my car,” she says, glancing over her shoulder at a beat-up old Toyota. “And I'll meet you on the porch?” I nod and step out of the way, wanting so much to talk to her but not knowing how. Jade glances over at Ty once more and smiles a coquettish smile that tells me that I'm in trouble. My whole family will want him, but not because he's Ty, not because he's a piece of tortured fucking art, but because he's mine.
Oh, fuck,
I think as I look at Ty, at the man who knows so much about me yet knows nothing at all.
I shouldn't have brought you, but I'm glad I did. I'm glad you chased me down and took my face between your beautiful hands.

“Are you okay?” he whispers as Jade starts the car and inches it past us like we're made of glass. I nod, but I step into his arms again, let him hold me. He doesn't seem to have any problem doing that. I wonder how many freebies I'll get before he starts getting annoyed.

“I am now,” I tell him honestly. “But I have a feeling this trip is going to kill me.”

Ty picks up our bags and follows close behind me as we walk down the rest of the driveway and pause on the porch. Jade is standing there jingling her keys and biting her lip.

“Mom isn't home,” she says and I cringe involuntarily. Jade sees this and stops shaking her keys around. Silence descends. “India's here, I think. Probably Lettie and Lorri. You haven't met Darla or Maple.” My throat closes up, and I have to take several soothing breaths to open it back up. Ty's hand in mine doesn't hurt either.

“Who?”

“Darla is … ” Jade doesn't know how to phrase this which is a bad sign. “Darla is my little sister. Um, our little sister, I guess. She's only three, but … ” Jade glances over her shoulder. I can hear the TV blasting and India's perfect voice shouting. She sounds good even when she yells. She could've been something with that voice. Her songs could work their way into your heart and take over you and you'd never even know it. “Um, Maple is Beth's daughter.” I swallow hard.

“Beth has a daughter?” Jade nods, but she doesn't speak. She's staring over my head at the glitter of lights in the distance, a small, sparkling reminder of the town I left behind. “A husband?” Jade shakes her head no. Of course not. Why did I even ask? I look over at Ty. He's playing with his lip ring, spinning it back and forth, sticking his tongue through the hole. My blood heats, and I have to look away. I'm in a stressful situation, and I'm thinking about sex. Figures. Or maybe it's just Ty. Maybe it's just him. I hope so. I touch my fingers to my chip earring and try to figure out how to ask my next question because I
have
to ask it. If I don't, and I see him, I'm done for. “Is – ”

“No.” Jade's response is sharp and rude. Her eyes darken and she turns around, reaches for the screen door and pulls it open with a creak. “He left a long time ago.” Her voice softens and I see that her anger is not for me but for her biological dad, my mother's fiancee turned second husband, my daddy's killer. “Come in. I'm sure Lettie and Lorri will be happy to see you.” She doesn't mention India.

Ty and I ascend the steps, and I realize that if he wasn't by my side that I'd have bolted as soon as I'd seen Jade, run right back to the bus station and gone home. I would've crawled between the covers in my dorm room and cried myself to sleep, waiting until I could go out and find a new guy to bury my sorrow in. I shake my head and know I can't go back to that.

“Jade!” India shouts from the direction of the living room. I'm standing with my back to the doorway, Ty's hand a captive in my hand, my heart pounding so loudly that I'm sure he can hear it. When he leans over and whispers in my ear, I jump.

“It's okay, Never,” Ty says and presses a hot kiss to my earlobe. Shivers run up and down my spine and I feel my belly clench in anticipation of having Ty again because God help me, I want him so bad it hurts. Even now, even standing in this doorway to hell, I feel my body clench tightly, beg me to get to know Ty real good. It's never acted like this with another boy;
I've
never acted like this with another boy. Except for Noah Scott. Oh God and fuck and holy fuck, except for him.

“I need you to watch the girls until Beth gets home. I … ” India comes around the corner and sees Ty and me standing still as statues.

“Never is home,” Jade says and bites her bottom lip. Tears prick her eyes again, and she turns away suddenly, flying up the staircase like she can't take the pain of seeing me. I hear her footsteps upstairs and the sound of a slamming door.

India is so fucking beautiful that I can't stand it. Last I saw her, she was only eleven years old, still just a kid, but now she's a woman with long, copper hair and a smile that will get her into too much trouble. She stares at me for a second and then she throws her head back and laughs. I laugh, too, but I don't know why and then she's running forward and throwing her arms around my neck like she used to do before I left. She squeezes me with real warmth, not an ounce of animosity or resentment in her touch. When she pulls away, she turns to Ty and smiles.

“Who's this?” she asks as tears roll down her cheeks and she sniffles, making her look just a tad younger than her sixteen years. “Your boyfriend?” The question catches me off guard and I freeze with my eyes on Ty's face. He stops biting at his lip ring and smiles that heartbreakingly beautiful smile of his with the dimples and all.

“My name is Ty McCabe,” he tells my sister as he takes her hand with his ringed one and shakes it. Her eyes travel from his jewelry to his butterfly tattoos to his broad shoulders and smiling face. She thinks he's pretty, that much I can tell, but she doesn't scope him out like Jade did.
India was always one of my favorites,
I think as she turns back to me and hugs me again.

“I feel like I'm dreaming,” India says as she tilts her head to the side and touches the red streak in my hair. “This is beautiful. I love it.” Before I can respond, my little sister Lettie walks in with a book in one hand, a notebook in the other. She's looking down at her notes and doesn't see me at first.

“India, can you help me with something?” she asks as she moves across the hardwood floor and I start to cry again. I don't know when I'm going to be able to stop. “This Christmas break homework is stupid. I don't get why we have to do it. It's a
break
, not a study session.” She pauses and looks up, spots me and freezes like a deer caught in the headlights. Lorri skips in right behind her, sees me and stumbles for a moment, copper pigtails swinging with the momentum.

There's this terrible moment where I am absolutely positive that neither of them is going to remember me.

“Never!” they say in near perfect unison. The notebook goes flying and hits the staircase as Lettie and Lorri race forward and embrace me with the kind of innocence that's only found in children, the perfect, pure, love and honesty that gets bled out of the rest of us. I stand there and laugh while fat tears hit their pretty heads and India grins at me like a crazy person.

“Be right back,” she says as she scoots reluctantly away. “I gotta check on the babies.” I sniffle and gently move my little sisters back, so I can look into their eyes and thank the powers that be that they know who I am.

“I told you she'd come home,” Lorri tells Lettie with an eye roll that seems inappropriate for her young age. Then again, my sisters and I have always been ornery. I suppose it just runs in the blood.

“Where's Zella?” I ask them, feeling my heart contract painfully. Zella's daddy was my daddy, and of all people, I had expected her to stand up for me, with me, against my mother's decision, but she didn't say a damn word, not one fucking word. If I'm going to make peace with my past, I have to see her.

“Zella moved to Texas,” Lettie tells me as she turns to Ty and gives him a look that says she isn't buying what he's selling. “She's going to college in Austin.” My heart drops.

“Oh,” I say, and I try to keep my voice light. I don't want to ruin my reunion with the rest of the girls. I can always call Zella later or stop there on the way back to California. I smile at Lettie and Lorri and follow their gazes over to Ty. “Guys, this is my friend, Ty McCabe.”

“Hey there,” he says, bending down so that he's not towering over them. “Nice to meet you.” Lettie looks at his ringed hand like it's diseased, but Lorri shakes it vigorously.

“Are you a rock star?” she asks him, and he laughs.

“No way,” he tells her and he leans forward for a whisper. “Don't tell anyone, but I can barely carry a tune.” Lorri chuckles as Ty leans back, and I can't help but hold back a smile. You know how they say you can judge a person's character by the way they treat little kids and animals? It's true. I can see in Ty's mannerisms how gentle he really is. The thought that anyone could hurt him, including me, pisses me off, and I hope to God that I never do.

“Where have you been?” Lettie asks, turning back to me with a frown on her adolescent face. At thirteen though, she's changing, entering that awkward phase between girl and woman. “I missed you, sister.” I laugh again and take her into my arms for another hug. I can't tell her the truth, not yet. Maybe someday I'll take her to lunch and spill my side of the story. For now, I just ruffle her hair and come up with something explanatory but nondescript.

“I had to go to college,” I tell her with a grin. “So I could become something kick ass awesome.”

“Like?” Lettie inquires as I glance over at Ty. He's staring back at me like he's just as interested in my answer as she is. The weird part about all of this is that I have no fucking clue. What do I want to be when I grow up? I haven't the slightest friggin' idea. I feel like I've been living in a haze for five years and have finally just stepped out of it. Everything seems so much clearer now. I respond as best I can.

“Like someone who's in control, who's their own boss, who has a job that they can't wait to wake up for, and that keeps them up at night because they can't stop thinking about it.” I don't know if a job like that even exists or I'm just spinning some serious grade A bullshit, but it sounds pretty and it satisfies my sister. For now.

“Hey there,” India says as she comes back in with two copper haired girls on either hip.
Jesus Christ, we're like a family of clones. It's incredible. Guess those old Southern genes run strong and hard.
“Lookie who I've got. Never, this is Darla.” India turns so that I can see the little girl's face. She's so cute I can't stand it. I step forward, but she buries her head in my sister's shoulder. I smile sadly, but know that I'll figure out some way to weasel into her affections, even if I have to buy her off. “Darla, that's your big sister, Never. Remember the pictures we looked at together?” Darla nods her head and sticks her thumb in her mouth. India shrugs and turns, so I can see the other girl. “And this is Beth's daughter, Maple. She's two and Darla is three.” India juggles them expertly, making me certain that biologically those girls might be sister and niece to her, but as far as time spent and values learned, India is their pseudo-mother.
Goddamn you,
I curse Mom and Beth and wonder where the hell they are. Knowing my mom, she's probably dancing naked under the moon at some hippie-dippie fair, and Beth, well, she's probably slaving away at some useless, piece of crap, nowhere, dead end job. “They'll warm up eventually,” India says as she turns and gestures at Ty and me with her chin. “I've gotta get them something to eat before all hell breaks loose.”

She disappears into the kitchen with Lettie and Lorri at her heels and gives me a perfect, quiet moment with McCabe. I'm kind of glad because I've just gone into overload mode and feel like a robot about to short circuit. There is so much going on in my head right now that I need time to process things, organize them, figure out how to feel before Beth and my mom get here. They're going to be my two biggest obstacles in this marathon of pain, heartache, and healing, and I could use a water break before I get to them.

“How are you feeling?” Ty asks as he slides our suitcases to the side with his foot and steps closer to me. I have to really think about that before I answer him. Tears start to flow and I dash them away angrily. I hate crying. Hate, hate, hate it, and yet I can't seem to stop. I'm like a broken fucking faucet.

“Overwhelmed?” I say, but I'm not sure. Ty nods and tucks my head under his chin. If nothing else, he understands. We're one in the same, Ty McCabe and I, and he'll always, always get me. Even if nobody else does.