Tasting, Finding, Keeping: The Story of Never (21 page)

I go to the Dairy Queen because it's the only place in town that sees any action after nine o'clock. Besides, I've done some cyber stalking on my phone and see that Noah's posted something about the milkshakes being good tonight.
Would be better,
he writes,
if I had some company to share one with.

I pull into the gravel parking lot and try not to stare at the faces there. If I do, I'm bound to find one that I recognize and I don't think I can handle anymore than this right now.

You do what you need to do, Never, and I'll be here waiting for you when you're done.

I squeeze my eyes closed against tears and smoke a quick cigarette before getting out of the car.

Sometimes they leave and they don't come back; sometimes that perfect, little butterfly gets out of the jar and flies away, flickers like a bit of fire across the sky and disappears. If you love it, you'll let it go. That's what they always say, but they Never tell you how to deal with the pain of their leaving.

I remember Noah Scott leaving me with this not so cryptic message, and the days and weeks after that that I cried for him. Once, I even put my stuff in my car and started the drive back. I got halfway home before I panicked and turned back around, fled into the arms of a guy who knew all about motorcycles but nothing about girls with broken hearts. He was nice enough, but he was no Noah Scott.

At the door to the Dairy Queen, I catch sight of him sitting in a booth in the back corner and I get dizzy for a moment, stumble away and throw up in the scrubby bushes next to the dumpster. I'm nervous
and
I feel sick. I chalk it up to the stupid, fucking bus ride and smoke another cigarette. It's the best I can do considering I don't have any mints or gum with me.
Great. Your reunion with Noah Scott will smell like puke and desperation, Never. Isn't that the perfect fairytale reunion you always wanted?

My phone rings and I check quickly to see who it is, thinking that maybe Noah saw me and is calling to say something cute like,
“Hey you, I caught you. Coming in?”
but the call isn't from Noah, it's from Ty. I've been gone fifteen minutes and he's already calling me. Good sign or bad.

“Hey,” I say, trying to keep my voice perky but not too perky. I don't want Ty to think I'm having a super good time with Noah. If he thinks that, I don't know what he'll do. I know Ty is the type of guy that gets spooked easily because I'm the type of girl that gets spooked easily, and I know that if he was out with an old girlfriend, I'd be stalking him like a crazy person. I have
never, never
felt this way about a man before, and it's confusing as hell. I think of the tears I shed while we were making love and have to close my eyes to process all of the emotions that I'm feeling. We might be more than two thousand miles away from the scene of the crime, but the emotions have trailed along behind us. The distance we've traveled is tricky; it convinces us that it's been awhile, that Ty and I have been some kind of unit for ages, but that's not true at all. Ty and I are a seed that's just been planted, waiting to bloom, wanting to bloom but not knowing how. It's been four days since we made love. Four. Days. That isn't long at all. Ty doesn't respond, but I hear him breathing. “Hello?” I ask, wondering if there's something wrong.

“Fuck,” he says, and I smile because that's such a Ty thing to say. “Just fuck Never. I lied. I'm not okay with this.”

“Why?” I ask him as I steal a glance over my shoulder. The door to the Dairy Queen opens and a group of girls walk out dressed in tight blue jeans and skimpy tank tops that can't possibly be keeping them warm in the nippy winter air. I ignore them, glad that I don't recognize any faces there. “Because I'm yours?” I ask him when he doesn't respond right away.

“Exactly,” Ty says and then sighs. “Never, I don't know much about this whole girlfriend thing, but I do know that I don't like you hanging out with other guys.” I freeze and the air escapes my lungs in a whoosh. Did he just say
girlfriend?
Did Ty McCabe just say that word? Why? How? I move the phone away from my ear and take a deep breath before I speak.

“I don't know what to say,” I admit.

“You don't have to say anything,” he tells me with a sigh that matches my own. “And you don't have to do anything different. I'm not the kind of guy that wants to chain chicks up in his basement or pound my chest like some kind of testosterone fueled alpha male, but I … ” Ty pauses and the silence is poignant and important, a memory that I mark for remembrance. I don't know why, it's just one of those historical moments in life that you don't appreciate until they're over.

“But?” I prompt and Ty laughs softly.

“But I want to drive over there and beat the shit out of Noah Scott.” I laugh, too, and then there are tears in my eyes because all I really want to do is drive back to my mother's house and see Ty. I know in my heart that that isn't right. I
have
to see Noah Scott and find out. I'm not exactly sure what it is I'm finding, but I know I have to search anyway. When I find what I'm looking for, I'll know. “Just … don't do anything you'll regret, okay?” Ty says and then he hangs up. What he really means is,
Don't sleep with him.
I can read that message loud and clear. In fact, it might as well be written in blood against the moon's pale surface. And I'm not. I'm not going to sleep with Noah Scott, not when Ty is sitting on an old wooden porch smoking a cigarette and thinking of me and only me.

I stuff my phone back in my pocket, turn around, and head straight for the door of the Dairy Queen. My eyesight becomes focused to a narrow point in front of me, locked onto a blonde head and blue eyes, a face that's tanned from the sun and a smile as sweet as rain.

Noah Scott is reading a book and basking in the smell of grease and French fries and noise. He always liked noise. Noah Scott is a people person. He's sweet and he's kind and he knows things other people don't. Noah could put me on the straight and narrow, clean me up, change me, but then, Ty already has. Dirty boy Ty McCabe has done more for me than Noah Scott ever has. I pause next to the table and slide my nails down the pages of Noah's book so that he's forced to tear himself away from the words and look up at me.

One. Two. Three.
Time trickles away from us as the smile I've plastered on my face starts to fade.

“
She Lies Twisted
?” I ask, inquiring after Noah's book. It's a dark title with a pain that matches my own. I have a coverless, wrinkled copy under my bed in the dorms. I've read it a hundred times sore and then I find Noah Scott with it wrapped in in his hands, and what am I supposed to think? He's staring at me like I'm a ghost, like he can't believe I'm standing there in the bright lights of the Dairy Queen with laughter a steady backdrop behind me.

“Never … ” Noah whispers before he drops the book, stands up and throws his arms around me. Noah Scott squeezes me tight, and I start to cry. Again. I guess I won't stop until I'm done bleeding all of my pain and hate and anger from my eyes. Once it's all gone, maybe then I can look at the people from my past with dry eyes and a true smile, one that's as real as the dimpled grin that Ty McCabe has. Noah hugs me so hard that I can barely breathe. He's warm and he smells good, like flowers or a spring brook or something. He's light and soft and the complete opposite of Ty.

After a moment, Noah steps back and looks at me with the slightest hint of tears in his pretty, blue eyes. He holds me at arm's length and just stares like he's the luckiest man in the world.

“I can't believe it's you,” Noah whispers as he drops his arms to his sides and shakes his head.

“I got your text,” I croak out as I lower my gaze to the floor. It's all I can say.

“Yeah?” Noah asks and then, “God, I've been missing you like crazy.” My head snaps up and my heart begins to thump. When Noah reaches out and touches my face, runs his thumb along my jaw, I know I'm in trouble.

I'm in love with Ty McCabe. I was once in love with Noah Scott.

Talk about a rock and a hard place.

“God, I just … wow.” Noah Scott runs his hand through his pretty blonde hair. It's so shiny and perfect, like he just stepped out of a shampoo commercial or something. “I don't know what to say,” he admits as he looks me up and down and, apparently, approves of what he sees. “You're even more beautiful than I remember,” he tells me, and I blush. I. Blush. Me. Never Ross, the whore from the Northwest, the girl with the broken heart, and the parade of faceless guys she doesn't remember. What the fuck?

“I … ” That's all I have. Just that one word. Just
I.

“I can't believe you're here,” he says as he steps back and holds his hands out, palms up, to indicate my person. Noah's blue eyes are sparkling, clear as glass, bright and happy and cheerful. I can see right through him, see that he's a good guy with a kind heart and fluffy, candy coated dreams. Noah Scott and Ty McCabe would not get along very well. “I have so many questions,” he begins and then I see something interesting, a glimmer of dark pain. Noah Scott is very good at hiding it, but it's there, and it's all because of me. Shit. “I want to ask you a million things and tell you a million more, but I … okay.” Noah takes a deep breath and smiles. “Are you hungry?” he asks. “You look hungry. Let me get you something to eat, okay?”

“Okay.” It takes me a whole lot of effort to speak that word. Noah grabs my hand and my fingers tingle just a bit, like I can see them being coated with fairy dust or something.
Noah. Noah Scott. My Noah. The guy who asked me out in the middle of a math test with a note, the guy who didn't think it was lame to kiss me in front of the whole school on Valentine's day, the guy who moved gently inside of me my first time, who kissed away my fears and showed me a brief glimpse of what love could be.
I start to panic. “Noah,” I gasp, and he pauses to look back at me. His eyes are wide, like he needs to keep them open, so he can see me clearly, so that I won't flicker and disappear, some evanescent memory that fades at the touch of the sun, just a bit of moonlight. I choke on my own saliva and wrench my hand from his. “Just a second, just one second.” I stumble to the bathroom and Noah follows. People are looking at us now and whispering. I think maybe they've just recognized me. I hit the girls' bathroom and step inside, closing and locking the door behind me. Luckily, it's not a set of stalls, just a single toilet that I have all to myself. I sit down on the floor and pull out my phone. I don't know who to call. Who do I have that I can rely on? That I can tell secrets to? I think frantically and decide there is only one person besides Ty McCabe that I'm not related to that might be able to help.

I call Lacey.

She picks up on the third ring and starts to talk.

“Hey Nev! I texted Ty to ask how you were taking things and he said you were with Noah. Is he still cute? Are you into him?”

“Lacey, stop,” I say, and she does. She goes quiet, and she just listens. “Help me.”

“Are you in trouble?” she asks, and her voice is fearful like it was the day at the convenience store, the day she thought some prick was going to force himself inside of her. The memory makes my vision go red, and I have to clamp down on my rage. Because Ty was there, he and I were able to save Lacey. She's okay, so there's no need for me to add even more emotions to the boiling pot I've already got on my stove.

“I think so,” I say. And then, “No.” I consider hanging up but can't. “I love Ty.” Lacey doesn't speak, but I can hear her breathing. “I don't know about Noah Scott. I thought I could see his face and say
no,
but I can't. I can't. I just can't. I want to talk to him, find out where he's been and what he's doing, but most of all, I want to know how he feels about me. Is that normal?” I can seriously hear Lacey smiling on the other end of the line.

“Never, don't beat yourself up. Of course you want to see Noah. He was your first boyfriend, and let's face it, you didn't break up with him. You didn't fall out of love or have a fight or catch him cheating, so you're still connected in a way. You might always be connected. What you're going to have to do, and what I don't envy you for, is you're going to have to make a choice.”

“A choice?” Lacey sighs, but I don't think it's at me. I think she's digging through her own life to give me this advice.

“You might love Ty, but you might also love Noah. That's okay. There's nothing wrong with that, but you can't have them both. They need all of you, and if you can't give it, you have to give one up. Pick one and be sure you're making the right decision because once you do, that's it. There's no going back, especially with Ty.” Lacey pauses. “And Never?”

“Yeah?” I croak, not entirely convinced that calling her was the right idea.

“Please don't be an idiot.” And then she hangs up on me. I stare at the screen and am tempted to crush it between my fingers and flush it down the toilet. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

“Never?” Noah is inquiring after me, as any proper gentleman should. Ty would've busted down the door with his big boots, cigarette in hand, and said,
What the fuck is wrong with you?
I smile. “Are you okay?” I stand up and straighten my sweatshirt. Oddly enough, it's actually Ty's sweatshirt, and it just happens to be the one he threw over my lap while he fingered me on the bus. Great. Perfect. Just what I need, reminders of Ty's skillful fingers while I'm with Noah. As if that isn't going to overcomplicate the already overcomplicated. I don't answer him, but I do turn around and open the door.

Noah smiles at me.

“Sorry,” he says unnecessarily. “I just feel like if I take my eyes off you, that you'll disappear.”

“What did you do?” I blurt too loudly in the middle of a freaking Dairy Queen. “What did you do when you woke up, and I was gone?” I take strange, shallow breaths as I ask this question, and watch as Noah's face tumbles like I've just thrown his joy off a cliff.

“Come with me to the lake,” he says suddenly, and I start to protest. Noah holds up his hands. “I already ordered you a milkshake and a burger. Let's grab it and go to the lake, just to eat. Give me an hour, Never Regali, and I will make it worth your while.”

“God, Noah, I can't,” I say, but I want to cry when I say it. Noah turns around and I swear to God, some of that pretty, practiced perfection slips. I watch his shoulders rise and fall as he breathes. He's wearing a white and blue striped button up with short sleeves over a white tee. He's paired it with a pair of blue jeans and some Converse. Light, unobtrusive. Noah was never one to take his looks very seriously. Anyway, maybe that was a luxury of being born pretty because Noah Scott is drop dead gorgeous. Still, he never minced his words and he was always poetic, even at his dirtiest. He turns back towards me, and I can see that my leaving has left this mark on his soul that cannot be erased. For good or bad, he and I are part of one another and might be forever. I have to talk this out with him, for both our sakes. And for Ty's. If I choose Ty because I refuse to see Noah, what good does that do? I have to choose Ty for Ty and in spite of Noah. I have to.

“Please,” Noah begs, but I'm already decided. “I can't move on, Never. I've been so stuck without you.” I close my eyes against tears.

“Okay,” I say. “Okay, but just for a little while, Noah, and I'm not promising anything.”

“Thank you,” he breathes, and I feel guilty because he sounds so relieved. “Thank you, Never. You have no idea how much this means to me.” But I do. I do because it might even mean more to me than it does to him.